or is XH regarding Christmas/birthday presents?

[mumof4sons]

I have just been told by my younger 2 DSs (14 & 11) that their father has said that any presents he giveS them for Christmas, birthdays etc must stay at his house. This means should any of them get new computer/xbox games, ipods, skateboards, cloths etc should stay at his house. They only see him every other weekend. DSs think that this is unreasonable. Example - DS11 was given skateboard that stays at his dad's house - dad lives down dirt road, has gravel drive and only grass - where is he supposed to use it?

I've said that gifts are gifts and that they can take them to which ever home they want to. I mean their Aunties give them gifts and don't expect them to keep them only at her house. DS age 13 says he'd rather not receive anything from his dad if there are conditions on the giving. What do you think?

And we have had situations before where we have had to take DSS shopping in his school trousers at the weekend as he will be dropped off in uniform, I will wash it and he will go home in street clothes which are then not returned.

I don't know.

My DP had nothing here for his son. All the stuff bought together was taken over time to her house. All the clothes bought went to her house. Anything new bought for him since the breakup went to his mum's house.

His son came crying to me once about having nothing at his dad's house, and it seemed like she'd blamed his dad for that.

So I started buying stuff specifically for this house, to stay here. Clothes are requested brought back. Any presents bought for Christmas are to stay here, in his room at ours, so that he doesn't have an empty space and stop visiting, as seemed to happen for a while.

It's not about buying him, but about creating his own space here. If this means he spends a bit more time here than one night a weekend, mores the better for him and his dad.

However, my DS has certain things he adores, and he can take them to and from both parental houses as they are portable. Gaming systems are less so. I can get your frustration, but I can also see it from the other side.

No definitive answer here. Though it sounds like you have some issues with ex and his current.

I'd be sorely tempted to suggest that your DSs open their presents and then turn to their dad and say "so is this a present or are you just lending it to me?" But I know you can't encourage them to do that or you would be playing games too.

My kids must have black leather shoes for school.

Just to clarify.

so there have been occasions where they had no trainers or other suitable footwear here to wear to go out and play.

Ugh. I have this with Ex-H when he buys presents for DS1. And he also tries to find out what DS1 wants for his birthday / Christmas, buy it, then 'forbid' me to buy the same thing. (Yeah, Riiiiiiiight).

Yet I have no problems letting DS1 take whatever he wants to his dad's house. And it amuses me rather that if I followed Ex-H's 'rules' on this - then the Nintendo ds games Ex-H has at his house would be unusable, as I bought DS1 his DSi, and Ex-H refuses to pay for one to keep at his house...

But then, Ex-H is a knob jockey of the highest order, so I smile and nod when he is being a twunt, and merrily do my own thing, knowing full well that when DS1 (9yo) is the age of the OP's dc, he will realise his dad is talking bollocks 99% of the time!

Oh, and don't get me started on the clothes thing...Ex-H currently has ALL 3 of DS1's expensive school jumpers languishing in his washing basket (according to DS1). Ex-H's partner won't let him bring dirty ones back but won't bloody wash them and send them back either. They also have 2/3 pairs of his school trousers there AND all 6 pairs of his outside school trousers too. DS1 has had to resort to getting up early and stuffing them in his school bag because I can't afford to keep replacing them when I only get the sum total of £1.36 a week maintenance for him...the last clothes size, I bought him 17 pairs of trousers. I ended up with ONE pair to hand down to DS2. According to DS1, the rest are STILL in Ex-H's washing pile. . He has been in the new size for 12 weeks now. again.

I have the same thing with my mum and it baffles me. Every single birthday or xmas pressie she has bought my boys goes back to her house (they are always bought with that in mind also). I'm not trying to be ungrateful cos she looks after them two days a week while I'm at work so I'm all for them having their own stuff there but last Christmas day she refused to let them open up the garage she had bought for them and left that evening with it.

Also this year she had mentioned getting my eldest a new scooter which he needs so I was looking for new ones within her price range and when I mentioned I had found one she said she'd already bought them lego. I've got them lego!!