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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at bossy headmistress about my children walking home from school?

56 replies

Coinky · 22/11/2011 16:33

My children are 9 and 6. They are both very mature, sensible and independent. The school they both attend is a 2 minute walk from our home. There is one small road to cross directly outside the school, however there is a lollipop lady who supervises crossing on this road.

I first allowed my elder child to walk to school alone aged 7 (end of year 3) but didn't let him walk home until about a year later (which the school HATED and would claim he was "nervous" which was rubbish, especially as they asked all the parents to allow their children to walk home alone from an after school activity, including my child who has done this since year 3). I always took the younger child to and from school, until recently when I began allowing him to walk to school with his brother, as it is so close and both are very sensible. I still always picked the younger one up and had noticed recently the elder child had been ordered to wait for me also (which I didn't say anything about).

Last week however I broke my toe. I cannot put much weight on it as it is painful, but also it won't help the healing process if I do. Because of this I am struggling to walk and have to walk on my heel. This is incredibly uncomfortable and also very slow, plus if I knock into anything it hurts and my balance is dreadful, particularly up and down slopes.

I telephoned the school the day after this happened to tell them of the situation. I explained that not only could I no longer pick them up for lunch (they are now on school dinners instead) but I would struggle to pick them up as part of the journey is on a hill. I'll try to explain it better; to get to the school you come out of our door into a small car park and then down a small alley which leads to a hill. At the bottom of this hill is the school. The school entrance is clearly visible from the end of the alley.

So I asked if it would be possible to - instead of attempting the hill - to stand at the end of the alley where the children could see me form school, cross with the lollipop lady, and then walk up to me where I would be waiting. The receptionist was very nice and understanding and thought it would be fine.

However I got a phone call a few minutes later from the receptionist saying she had checked with the headmistress with it and she "wasn't happy with it". The headmistress had said she would allow it for one day only, but the rest of the time I would "have to get someone else to pick them up".

I don't have someone who could do this every day! My partner doesn't finish until 5 every day. He can take a shorter day on Friday but we kind of need the overtime money right now. Besides this is just one day. My mother can also do one day, a Thursday, which is a day she doesn't work and does things with the children anyway. But the rest of the time I don't have anyone who could do this, and anyway I don't understand a.) what the problem is and b.) why she can't talk to me about this herself.

The stupid thing is they allow the children who do after school activities to all walk home alone with permission slips and minus the lollipop lady so it feels very hypocritical. I am not even asking for them to walk all the way home anyway, and they will never be out of my sight. But to be honest it seems a little ridiculous when they are allowed to walk TO school alone. I have seen other children walking home alone as well, and I guess if I hadn't ASKED they would never have said anything about it.

Consequently I was extremely late picking them up, I didn't want to compromise the hill until it was a bit clearer, both due to embarrassment and also safety, my balance is terrible on slopes plus a lot of the children tear out of school and along the paths on scooters yelling "BEEP BEEP" or "MOVE" to anyone who happens to be walking "in their way" - (no parents with THEM I notice).

I really want to rant at the headteacher but I don't now if perhaps it is me that is somehow being unreasonable and would like to hear other outside points of view before making a decision.

-Thanks

OP posts:
JaneFonda · 22/11/2011 16:37

YANBU - it's hardly a dangerous walk, is it.

Could you maybe ask another parent to walk with your children down the alley? I don't understand why the school are being so obstructive.

What would REALLY happen if you ignored them? If, like you say, other kids leave without permission slips by themselves, it really shouldn't be an issue for you if you can still see your children at the end of the alley.

MrsCog · 22/11/2011 16:37

I don't think YABU, but there is an important lesson for life here - if you don't want to answer to a question/request to be 'no', then just get on and do said activity/action until someone stops you!

Works for me in many different situations!

alarkaspree · 22/11/2011 16:39

I think you'll get further if you put this in writing. Obviously the headteacher isn't happy with it but it's your decision not hers, especially as the school obviously doesn't have a policy that children have to be released to a parent at the end of school. So just write a letter that says

Dear HT

I am writing to confirm that as of [date] my children, x and y, will be walking home from school alone. Please arrange for them to be released by their teachers at the end of the school day.

Yours sincerely

Coinky

ZombieMonkeyBrains · 22/11/2011 16:41

Sounds fine to me. The level of interference that some schools think is OK is amazing.

You're not at NG school in BS are you? When my daughter was in year 6, and I was too unwell to take her to school I arranged a taxi to take her in. The same taxi came every day, and he's actually a parent of 2 children that go to the school too. I got told it wasn't safe, and the school rang social services!

Northernlurker · 22/11/2011 16:44

Ignore the head, put in writing and check that both of your dcs know about waiting for the lollipop lady. Also check your 9 yr old knows how to cross a road independantly and that your 6 yr old will obey their older sibling. Then put your foot up!

Coinky · 22/11/2011 16:45

You're right JaneFonda it isn't dangerous, and tbh it's the fact they're so damn hypocritcal that annoys me.

Someone suggested to me that the headmistress may be afraid that I will make this a permanent thing if they allowed it for the time being...but in all honesty, even though that genuinely wasn't the plan, I still really wouldn't see the problem if it was a permanent thing anyway.

I don't think much would happen in all honesty thinking about it. I might get a phone call about it I guess, and a threat to involve outside authorities, but I have checked the legal side of it all and it doesn't break any laws.

Ah yes Mrscog you're probably right, I probably need to be more assertive.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 22/11/2011 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pooka · 22/11/2011 16:47

I doubt the school would release a 6 year old without a parent waiting on school site though. OUr school certainly doesn't - only in KS2 are children not directly handed on to a named adult.

I can see both sides to be honest. When you let the children leave the house in the morning to walk to school it's your decision, you are the parent. During the day the school are in loco parentis, and when it comes to letting 6 year old out without adult I can see why they would be cautious.

pooka · 22/11/2011 16:48

I'm assuming of course that the kids leaving after school activities on their own are generally KS2? Or are they 6 too?

Because if they're younger, then yes, the school is being hypocritical.

Coinky · 22/11/2011 16:50

alarkaspree I like that, it's blunt, no nonsense, not a request and just a statement. This is what I think I shall do.

Zombiemonkeybrains, No not the same school but I knew of a parent who was threatened with social services for a similar situation which is what is niggling the back of my mind. Your school sounds ridiculous as well.

Northernlurker, yes I think I shall do that. Yes the 9 year old is very safety conscious and the younger is very obedient to his older sibling when I am not with them. If he wasn't the 9 year old would tell me for definite. Thanks!

OP posts:
lottiegb · 22/11/2011 16:50

Ooh, this is one of those 'I wake up 30 years later and find the world has gone mad since I was child' threads. I walked about half a mile to and from junior school from the age of seven, as did friends living similarly close. There was one main road with lollipop person and another road we had learned to cross carefully.

I had no awareness of the school knowing whether we were collected or walked (maybe they did) or noticing, unless a child who should have been collected wasn't. There would have been a teacher 'on duty' to oversee everyone leaving.

How is it anything to do with the head? You decide how your child gets to and from school, are responsible for them on this journey and know their capabilities best.

valiumredhead · 22/11/2011 16:53

when I was in a similar situation the school offered to come and get my ds on days when there wasn't anyone who could take him for me, it's a 5 min car ride. She is being VU.

pooka · 22/11/2011 16:53

I was also walking 1 mile to school from age of I think 8. Basically as soon as I was in juniors rather than infants - same rule applied at the school 30 years ago (my kids go to the same school I did).

valiumredhead · 22/11/2011 16:55

My ds is just 10 and walks 20 min to and from school - everyone does where I live.

Coinky · 22/11/2011 16:57

Bluddymofo - I'll put it in writing as suggested.

pooka - I am unsure. I know some of the children who do the activities are KS1 but whether they walk home alone or not I don't know as I don't see. I understand your point but the 6 year old is not alone plus the lollipop lady (who knows me personally) would see that they had met me safely. Plus they could always send one of the TA's to the entrance with them if they wanted to be absolutely sure.

The weird thing is KS1 children are not handed to a named adult. Numerous times I've had people pick my eldest up when he was in KS1 who the school haven't known nor did I warn them in advance that anyone else was picking them up.

OP posts:
pooka · 22/11/2011 16:59

Well the school is sending really rubbish mixed messages there then! At our school the teacher stands at door in front of kids and sends them over to waiting adult. If we want someone other than parents to collect, we write in contact book. Ive written a long list in the contact book giving permission, just covering all the bases Wink

valiumredhead · 22/11/2011 16:59

At ds's primary school the kids weren't allowed to walk by themselves until yr 4, but a 2 min walk is so short it's ridiculous.

Coinky · 22/11/2011 17:01

lottiegb - Same here, I walked to school and from school with my older brother (same age difference as my children) from an extremely young age and a far longer journey. When he went to secondary school, I was on my own. "How is it anything to do with the head? You decide how your child gets to and from school, are responsible for them on this journey and know their capabilities best." - and this sums up exactly how I feel!

valiumredhead - your school sounds a lot more reasonable and understanding.

I'll be back later to check for further replies (and any I haven't read yet)

OP posts:
TravellerForEver · 22/11/2011 17:01

TBH, at the school my dcs are going, they won't let the dcs come out until they are at least in KS2.
Even then, they always check the parents are there for the Y3.

So I wouldn't have been surprised that they don't allow a 6yo to walk back home alone.

The difference between a child going to school alone and a child going back home alone is one of responsability.
In the first case, the parent is responsible if the child has an accident in the way to school as the dc is under the parent's responsability until they go into the classroom.
In the second case, the school is responsible for the child safety until he leaves school and I suppose it means the child is safe (as safe with a parent or safe for him to do that trip on his own).

In my dcs school, they wouldn't let a 6yo leave the school on their own either tbh.

BluddyMoFo · 22/11/2011 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pooka · 22/11/2011 17:03

I know the 6 year old isn't technically alone, but can imagine that the school's perspective would be that they can't pass on their in loco parentis responsibility to another child IYSWIM.

I agree completely that it is a pain in the neck and so on, but I suppose I'm just seeing it from the school's arse-covering perspective. If if if IF something did happen (unlikely I know, but then) the school would have to be able to demonstrate appropriate safeguarding measures having been taken.

TravellerForEver · 22/11/2011 17:03

Same at my school but the teacher checks that the child knows that person and that the child leaves with an adult.

TravellerForEver · 22/11/2011 17:05

Sorry just realized in my previous post
they wouldn't let a 6yo leave the school on their own either tbh
should read
They wouldn't let a 6yo leave the after school activities on their own either.

squeakytoy · 22/11/2011 17:08

Do schools think that once children get home their parents lock them up and do not let them out again until they take them to school the next morning?

I can understand their concern if this was a child under the age of 5, but by 6 years old a child should be playing out and capable of understanding and obeying road safety.

YANBU

carabos · 22/11/2011 17:11

I should just ignore them and do what you want. IMO there is no need to comply with rules for which there is no real sanction. I very much doubt that any over stretched SS department is going to open a file, appoint a case worker and assign resources to something like this.

BTW I'm with the others on this thread who used to walk / cycle Shock or bus it to school unaccompanied years ago. My Dsis and I used to get the bus to our primary school which was 15 mins bus ride, cross over two A roads OR walk, crossing one A road and taking a short cut through a HUGE dark, spooky, deserted cemetery and lived to tell the tale. We did that from age 7 or so.