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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at bossy headmistress about my children walking home from school?

56 replies

Coinky · 22/11/2011 16:33

My children are 9 and 6. They are both very mature, sensible and independent. The school they both attend is a 2 minute walk from our home. There is one small road to cross directly outside the school, however there is a lollipop lady who supervises crossing on this road.

I first allowed my elder child to walk to school alone aged 7 (end of year 3) but didn't let him walk home until about a year later (which the school HATED and would claim he was "nervous" which was rubbish, especially as they asked all the parents to allow their children to walk home alone from an after school activity, including my child who has done this since year 3). I always took the younger child to and from school, until recently when I began allowing him to walk to school with his brother, as it is so close and both are very sensible. I still always picked the younger one up and had noticed recently the elder child had been ordered to wait for me also (which I didn't say anything about).

Last week however I broke my toe. I cannot put much weight on it as it is painful, but also it won't help the healing process if I do. Because of this I am struggling to walk and have to walk on my heel. This is incredibly uncomfortable and also very slow, plus if I knock into anything it hurts and my balance is dreadful, particularly up and down slopes.

I telephoned the school the day after this happened to tell them of the situation. I explained that not only could I no longer pick them up for lunch (they are now on school dinners instead) but I would struggle to pick them up as part of the journey is on a hill. I'll try to explain it better; to get to the school you come out of our door into a small car park and then down a small alley which leads to a hill. At the bottom of this hill is the school. The school entrance is clearly visible from the end of the alley.

So I asked if it would be possible to - instead of attempting the hill - to stand at the end of the alley where the children could see me form school, cross with the lollipop lady, and then walk up to me where I would be waiting. The receptionist was very nice and understanding and thought it would be fine.

However I got a phone call a few minutes later from the receptionist saying she had checked with the headmistress with it and she "wasn't happy with it". The headmistress had said she would allow it for one day only, but the rest of the time I would "have to get someone else to pick them up".

I don't have someone who could do this every day! My partner doesn't finish until 5 every day. He can take a shorter day on Friday but we kind of need the overtime money right now. Besides this is just one day. My mother can also do one day, a Thursday, which is a day she doesn't work and does things with the children anyway. But the rest of the time I don't have anyone who could do this, and anyway I don't understand a.) what the problem is and b.) why she can't talk to me about this herself.

The stupid thing is they allow the children who do after school activities to all walk home alone with permission slips and minus the lollipop lady so it feels very hypocritical. I am not even asking for them to walk all the way home anyway, and they will never be out of my sight. But to be honest it seems a little ridiculous when they are allowed to walk TO school alone. I have seen other children walking home alone as well, and I guess if I hadn't ASKED they would never have said anything about it.

Consequently I was extremely late picking them up, I didn't want to compromise the hill until it was a bit clearer, both due to embarrassment and also safety, my balance is terrible on slopes plus a lot of the children tear out of school and along the paths on scooters yelling "BEEP BEEP" or "MOVE" to anyone who happens to be walking "in their way" - (no parents with THEM I notice).

I really want to rant at the headteacher but I don't now if perhaps it is me that is somehow being unreasonable and would like to hear other outside points of view before making a decision.

-Thanks

OP posts:
hocuspontas · 22/11/2011 17:30

Apologies if I haven't read your posts properly but is there actually a handover rule in KS1? I would be surprised if there wasn't really. Only in the 'old days' was it normal for infants to go running home unaccompanied!
As someone mentioned, at some point the school's responsibility for the 6 year old has to stop and it's uusually when the school hand the child over to the responsible adult. If there was an accident on the way home there could be an uproar about the school's neglect. Hope your toe heals soon, sounds painful Sad

Ariesgirl · 22/11/2011 17:34

I don't think YABU. When did it get like this?

When I was six I walked home on my own, much further than this as well. How things have changed. Is this because of the compensation culture do you think?

QueenofJacksDreams · 22/11/2011 17:48

I'd say it was my DD's school if it wasn't for the lollipop lady. DD is 8 and walks herself to school everymorning she walks down our road, crosses the very quiet road and into the school it takes less than a minute but the headteacher threatened to call social services on me about it. I told her to go ahead. SS sent me a letter informing they had no problem with what I did with my DD.

chocolategateaudeluxe · 22/11/2011 18:27

YANBU!

I walked 1,5 miles each way to school from year one, I had to cross SEVERAL main roads, some WITHOUT traffic lights (until some parents campagned for one)! 2 years later, we went to school on our bikes!

Get the headmistress to join: www.livingstreets.org.uk/our-projects/national-walk-to-school-campaign/ :-)

Unfortunately, two children were recently knocked over by cars (two separate instances) - ironically walking to parents' cars and by cars of parents who were doing the school run...

Coinky · 22/11/2011 18:37

Travellerforever - The 6 year old wouldn't leave school alone as such, he would leave with his brother, straight to where not only is there a lollipop lady, but to a place where I can see them both from where I suggested I wait. I see your point though, but at the same time if I hadn't requested I do this they would never had noticed nor said anything.

Bluddymofo - I completely agree! And I am beyond baffled that they encouraged my eldest son to walk home alone from an after school activity in year 3, yet kicked up a stink in year 4 that I was allowing him to walk home alone when school ended. A couple of activities haven't even been on the school site, they've been a lot further away and they were requesting permission for the children to walk home alone then too. There was one time when my eldest had walked from school to home to find I wasn't there (I was still at school talking to the younger child's teacher) so he came back to school to find me as he couldn't get in. Instead of praising his responsible actions the school ordered him to wait for me in future. My partner decided to get a key cut for my oldest so he could let himself in if I was ever delayed in future but the school had forty fits when they saw him with it at school so he never takes it now (not that he ever really needs it anyway).

pooka - But not a lot could happen from the school entrance (where they are in my full view) up to me where I can see them the whole time. It's very OTT I think.

Squeakytoy - See this is another issue, the headmistress has in the past raised concerns about children being allowed out to play alone/with friends at the local playground/ride bikes in the neighbourhood etc and these children were aged from year 3 to year 5 which I thought was OTT as well. I hadn't started letting the younger child out at that point but since then my older child has been reluctant to go out in case he "gets into trouble".

Carabos - I think that's what I shall do. I think they're being ridiculous and hypocritical. And like you I used to make the school journey in one piece every day at an age younger than my eldest is now.

hocuspontas - I'll copy and paste what I said before: "The weird thing is KS1 children are not handed to a named adult. Numerous times I've had people pick my eldest up when he was in KS1 who the school haven't known nor did I warn them in advance that anyone else was picking them up". I also don't allow my 6 year old to run home alone. He is with his older sibling, and I would be able to see the school entrance from where I requested to be allowed to wait. It's not really the same thing. Thankyou, I hope it does too :(

Ariesgirl - I really have no idea. When I was 7 (only 20 years ago) I was going much further unsupervised, and not just to and from school, sometimes into town and back if my mother asked me to, or to gymnastics on a saturday morning while she had a lie in. All the teachers at this school are older than I am, so surely they must remember things being even less restrictive.

Queenofjacksdreams - Wow they actually went ahead and called them?! How stupid! Glad it got resolved to your advantage though, hope the school apologised!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 22/11/2011 18:54

SS wouldn't get involved but a letter of warning could be issued by the school to say that the parent was going against advice. If there were real concerns a CAF would be initiated.

It is because of the danger of no-one being home when the children got there, 9 and 6 are to young to be in the house on their own, straight after school, when they are liable to be hungry and may try to cook.

If ther are family members living close by or safeguards have been put in place then that is a different matter.

The OP should have put her intent in writting and waited to be called in by the head, then she could have explained the circumstances.

Going by the description, i can see the concern with the ally way and the car park, from a heads POV.

Coinky · 22/11/2011 19:10

Birdsgottafly: They wouldn't be on their own though, I don't know how you came to that conclusion.

Like I said in my opening post: "I asked if it would be possible to - instead of attempting the hill - to stand at the end of the alley where the children could see me form school, cross with the lollipop lady, and then walk up to me where I would be waiting" I would then walk them through the alley and the car park. So no need for concern.

"The OP should have put her intent in writting and waited to be called in by the head, then she could have explained the circumstances." - I am unsure what you mean by this. I telephoned the school with my request/intentions but the head would not speak to me herself, just relayed a message through the receptionist (who also thought my request was very reasonable). I'm not sure exactly what you mean here, sorry.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 22/11/2011 19:12

Squeakytoy - See this is another issue, the headmistress has in the past raised concerns about children being allowed out to play alone/with friends at the local playground/ride bikes in the neighbourhood etc and these children were aged from year 3 to year 5 which I thought was OTT as well. I hadn't started letting the younger child out at that point but since then my older child has been reluctant to go out in case he "gets into trouble".

She needs to wind her neck in and mind her own bloody business!!!

Crabapple99 · 22/11/2011 19:16

The head teacher canot give permison because she could be held responsible if something went wrong. Therefore don't put her in a position of giving or withholding permission, just write saying what IS going to happen - she has it in writing that the respnsiniluty is yours, that is all that matters.

(I'm not saying childrens safety doesn't matter to the head, this isn't an issue of safety, but of who would be held responsible in the million to one chnce of something going wrong)

Coinky · 22/11/2011 19:16

squeakytoy - Lol I agree, I could never understand why she got so involved with things out of school. It's like she views herself as a parenting expert rather than a headmistress of a primary school.

OP posts:
Coinky · 22/11/2011 19:18

Crabapple99 - Ah I see what you mean, I shouldn't have requested, i should have just said "This is what's going to happen etc". I will do that in my letter.

OP posts:
muffinflop · 22/11/2011 19:25

Is there not another parent you know walking up the hill who could grab the kids for you and then set them free once they're over the road?

Coinky · 22/11/2011 19:33

Muffinflop - Possibly, but think I'll try writing to the school first.

OP posts:
NotQuiteSoDesperate · 22/11/2011 19:47

I walked to school from the age of five as did everyone around us. Mums simply didn't go to the school gate in those days.

Andrewofgg · 22/11/2011 19:47

Spot on MrsCog - it is easier to get forgiveness than permission!

edam · 22/11/2011 19:51

another vote for MrsCog here, wise words indeed.

Head is being ridiculous, btw. Don't ask her, tell her!

bubby64 · 22/11/2011 19:56

Must admit, our school would not release KS1 to another adult who was not the parent/guardian unless they had prior warning of who was picking up, and KS2 have to have written permission from the parent before they can walk home alone, and this is at a little village primary school, where most parents know everyone else, and most of the kids, and vice versa, which i have had issue with in the past, when I was late picking up my 2, and had asked a neighbour who picked them up regularly on other days to do it that day as well. The school refused to release my 2 until they had got hold of me and I had given verbal permission! They were 7 at the time, and quite independant and responsible. It is to do with the "in loco parentas" thing.
I would write and tell them of your intention, and stress the fact that they will be in sight of either a teacher, friend or yourself at all times during their brief walk.

mumeeee · 22/11/2011 20:01

When my DD's were at primary school all KS1 children had to be picked up by an adult. They weren't allowed to go home with an older sibling.

Coinky · 22/11/2011 20:13

Notquitesodesperate - My partner walked to school from this age as well. I was maybe 2 years older than this, so say about 7. We're both still quite young so extremely surprised by how much has changed since we were at school (only about 10 years since we left) and wish things could go back to the less restrictive days as some of it really spoils childhood imo, like the head saying children aged from 7-10 shouldn't be allowed to play outside with their friends. Can't imagine how it would have been from those ages being cooped up indoors if my mother didn't feel like taking us out.

bubby64 - This is the thing, they will release a child to an adult without permission or knowing who they are, yet kick up a fuss over this? Seems thoroughly hypocritical to me. "I would write and tell them of your intention, and stress the fact that they will be in sight of either a teacher, friend or yourself at all times during their brief walk." - I will stress that in the letter.

mumeeee - But theyre literally walking from the school entrance where I can see them up a hill to me. It takes them less than 2 minutes and I can see them at all times. Plus it's only temporary until my injury is healed.

OP posts:
Theas18 · 22/11/2011 20:14

Hmm in the fence here!

I am all for building independence skill and letting kids get on with what is within there capabilities. We're in a big city but all except crossing our v busy road is ok. BUT a 6 yr old an a 9 yr old? Very not sure. One of my big parenting rules is tha no child does something where they are responsible for the other. They'd only walk together if each , individually was really up to it. A year 2 child age 6, even the most responsible and grown up one is still a bit skittish and distract able. It's no fair on the 9yr old o give them responsibility for a 6yr old.

Also schools are obliged to send ks1 kids into adult custody from school- it's now 7 yrs since I had an infant age child and they wouldn't release ks1 kids into th custody or secondary school age siblings, let alone junior age ones.

Clearly your " risk assessment " of the situation is that that you, as their parent, feel this is an appropriate thing for your children to do. In which case just inform the head, bt it is possible you'll have to explain the " risk asessmnet" to social services. If your actions are appropriate then I wouldn't be un fear and trembling at the though if this, they will have to ask if school raises it but won't be overly bothered I doubt.

Hulababy · 22/11/2011 20:20

I assume the 6y is in infants?

If so, it is very usual ime that children in infants/KS1 have to be taken to and from school by a responsible adult. I work in an infant school and we are not allowed to release any child to go home alone or with another child. Likewise if they come into school without an adult we have to follow it up.

Hulababy · 22/11/2011 20:22

I went to primary school in the mid-late 70s. Just a normal avaergae state primary int he middle of a council estate. Very very few, if any, children walked to school on their own in first school. Only once at middle school did most start walking to school ime - so Y5. Maybe the odd handful in the last year of first school.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 22/11/2011 20:35

Im really shocked they let them out so young at your schools, at my DS school they hand them over until they are in year5! Its a small village-like school and everyone can get to the school when walking without crossing a busy road, all cul-de-sacs etc, but they still aren't allowed to leave without a parent until year 6, year 5 with special permission. Not saying its right, just didnt realise it was so different elsewhere.

I was collected/dropped off until I started secondary school. I dont know of anyone who wasnt. Im 27.

goodasgold · 22/11/2011 20:37

Reading with interest but here in Switzerland most reception age children walk themselves at least halfway to school and back. Mothers waiting out of sight is normal.

goodasgold · 22/11/2011 20:39

You would get frowned upon more for picking a dc up in a car, than a four year old walking home alone, or more likely with their friends.