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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy SIL & B anything else for Xmas

52 replies

lesley33 · 22/11/2011 11:49

Genuine AIBU. We always exchange Xmas presents with my SIL and Brother and give each others DCs money - they are teenagers so want to buy things for themselves. My SIL and brother have less money than us, so its fine that they give less than us.

But met them last weekend and as they are very organised they gave us our Xmas presents now to open at Xmas. Although I didn't give them theirs. Naughtily as soon as we got straight home both I and DP opened ours. We had both got cheap toiletries. I had bought them a nice present and was going to get something else as well for both of them.

However, now I am considering not bothering and only giving them the original present. Not because of the cost, but I just feel they made no effort at all and so am tempted to also make little effort.

The reason whether I am wondering whether I ABU is that their is history and I don't know if this is influencing how I feel unfairly. Basically my SIL and brother have never really taken any interest in me or my family, but expect us to take an interest in their family. So AIBU to consider doing this?

OP posts:
shoobydoowop · 22/11/2011 11:51

never understood people who give to receive.....Hmm

KWL51 · 22/11/2011 11:51

um a toughy, yabu- as the gift was for christmas so you shouldnt have opened them yet.
but yanbu to be a tad peeved that they have apaprently showed no sense of knowing you and what you would both like. Im guessing that its not the value of the present its the lack of tought?

Sparklingbrook · 22/11/2011 11:53

We now just buy for the nieces and nephews-not for their parents. It's so much easier.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 11:54

I really really can't stand people with your attitude OP

Clearly you opened your present before Christmas to find out the monetary value.

If my kids acted like that (not that they would) I'd be ashamed of them

Buy or don't buy, it's up to you Hmm

blackoutthesun · 22/11/2011 11:55

so whats the problem? you said ''My SIL and brother have less money than us, so its fine that they give less than us.''

eurochick · 22/11/2011 11:56

I completely agree with Worra.

Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 11:57

Yes it is the lack of thought. And this just seems reflective of their general attitude to us.

Shoobydoowop - No you shouldn't give to receive. But everyone else I give presents to I feel the relationship is reciprocal and so I would just shrug off or laugh at a not very good present. So I know it is how I feel about them that is affecting my feelings.

sparklingbrook - I would prefer that tbh.

OP posts:
Blackduck · 22/11/2011 11:58

its attitudes like the OPs that make me hate Christmas.....

kaluki · 22/11/2011 11:58

ITS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
Maybe they are really struggling financially, like a lot of us are at the moment and can only afford cheap toiletries.
You sound very materialistic.

Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 11:59

No we didn't open the present to find the monetary value. They always spend less on us than we do on them and that's honestly fine. We opened the presents as we were too impatient to wait for xmas. It was the total lack of thought that I am unhappy about.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 12:00

I can't even call the attitude childish because most children seem happy with whatever they're given...or at least grateful to be given anything at all.

Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 12:01

Okay maybe AIBU, but you can buy or make very very cheap presents that shows you have at least thought about the people you are giving the present to. My SIL makes delicious home made cakes - a cake would have been a great present and probabkly cheaper than what they gave us.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 12:01

So two money minded adults opened their presents in November because they were too excited to wait?

Hmmm ok.....

ChitChattingElf · 22/11/2011 12:01

But it's not the 'cheap' that's the problem problem, is it? It's the toiletries which they probably picked up while out shopping .... No effort, no thought, no attention to what you might actually like.

I myself would prefer a £5 gift of something that I would like rather than a £20 gift of something I don't like at all.

You've already got them a 'nice' present. That's enough, isn't it??

blackoutthesun · 22/11/2011 12:01

if it was a plastic jug or some tea towels then i could understand

ffs get a grip op

Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 12:10

Okay I accept AIBU. My general upset at how they treat my family is causing me to be petty. I will buy them both the additional specially chosen presents I was planning to buy.

OP posts:
DeliaSucks · 22/11/2011 12:16

OK, the beauty of this forum is that you can air grievances you may not discuss IRL, so don't feel to bad OP. I'm sure we all have this sort of feelings from time to time secretly.
I think this year, give them their presents. Next year, discuss way in advance only buying for children from now on. It saves an money and tension and unwanted crap.

DeliaSucks · 22/11/2011 12:17

Should have said "saves on" sorry

ViviPru · 22/11/2011 12:25

I wouldn't bother with the additional specially chosen presents. They probably aren't that fussed.

LunarRose · 22/11/2011 12:29

Alternative views
you're assuming that they aren't well thought out gifts. They might have been well thought out but have just got it wrong

It's hard to buy nice well thought out gifts on a budget.

Sometimes I get inspiration and can do well thought out gifts. If I don't see the right inspiration then often I'm stumped and the person at least gets something. Doesn't mean I don't love them, just that I'm not very good at present buying

however if the bigger picture is that there is a little bit of family discord anyway and this is a symptom then YANBU to cut back a little on the present buying this year

handbagCrab · 22/11/2011 12:29

I imagine there's some psychology behind it but generally, I find that gift giving is reciprocal within close family and friend structures (not including children). For example, some folks get mid priced wine/choc type presents, some get a kindle or jewellery type presents. I think anyone would be a bit disappointed if they received a cheap, generic gift off a close family member when they'd spent time, effort and money on a well thought out gift for them.

If you've already got them a nice present then I'd leave it at that. It is better to give than to receive and you're giving :)

JAMW · 22/11/2011 12:35

If the real reason is the lack of thought over money spent, get them really thoughtful xmas gifts to make them feel bad.

Then from now on we say no presents over age 21!

Seona1973 · 22/11/2011 12:38

we dont give to the adults, just the children (except for our parents)

shoobydoowop · 22/11/2011 12:41

OP perhaps they have better things to do in the lead up to christmas than agonise over what to buy for you and your dp.

Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 12:59

I have accepted IABU - but just to say they are the ones that insisted a few years ago on buying presents for adults. We would be quite happy to only do it for each others children.

OP posts: