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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy SIL & B anything else for Xmas

52 replies

lesley33 · 22/11/2011 11:49

Genuine AIBU. We always exchange Xmas presents with my SIL and Brother and give each others DCs money - they are teenagers so want to buy things for themselves. My SIL and brother have less money than us, so its fine that they give less than us.

But met them last weekend and as they are very organised they gave us our Xmas presents now to open at Xmas. Although I didn't give them theirs. Naughtily as soon as we got straight home both I and DP opened ours. We had both got cheap toiletries. I had bought them a nice present and was going to get something else as well for both of them.

However, now I am considering not bothering and only giving them the original present. Not because of the cost, but I just feel they made no effort at all and so am tempted to also make little effort.

The reason whether I am wondering whether I ABU is that their is history and I don't know if this is influencing how I feel unfairly. Basically my SIL and brother have never really taken any interest in me or my family, but expect us to take an interest in their family. So AIBU to consider doing this?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/11/2011 13:09

I don't think you're being unreasonable! Give them the present you were going to give them in the first place and leave it at that.

I think the reason they gave you their presents then because they didn't want to have a 'swap' session where your thoughtful present was opened alongside theirs.

ImperialBlether · 22/11/2011 13:10

I'd give similar types of presents on the basis of 'if that's what they like, that's the sort of thing they'd be happy getting.'

wheredidiputit · 22/11/2011 13:32

"lesley33 Tue 22-Nov-11 12:10:40

Okay I accept AIBU. My general upset at how they treat my family is causing me to be petty."

Perhaps they feel your 'better then them' attitude and treat you how you treat them.

I think you need to look at how you behave. I would be embassed if my 2yd behaved like you and your dh.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/11/2011 13:39

You opened your Christmas presents?

In November?

YABU, I don't care about the rest of the story.

Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 14:15

wheredidiputit - Where did I say or even imply that I think I am better than them? I said that I get upset because they ignore my family and kids, but have always expected me to take an interest in their family and kids - which I do by the way. They are actually like that about the whole of my brothers side of the family.

If anything I think they think they are better than us and the whole of my brothers side of the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 14:17

And I have posted before about the many snubs both my SIL and brother have given to various members of my brother's side of the family.

OP posts:
chocolatchaud · 22/11/2011 14:23

I think I would probably tailor what I spent on them according to what you estimate their budget to be - that way there's no embarrassment on either side.

AnaisB · 22/11/2011 14:31

I agree Chocolat - as I was reading the thread I wondered if I was the only one who thought like that. I roughly match present value to avoid embarrassment - not because I give to receive.

(Although I don't do this with family or close friends - ie when there will be no embarrassment because we are so close.)

AurraSing · 22/11/2011 14:45

I wonder if they have given you your presents early, knowing that you will open them. It maybe their way of telling you that they don't want a lot of money spent in them this Christmas.

Davsmum · 22/11/2011 15:04

I buy presents for people because I want to - I don't measure how much effort they have made - I don't even expect people to get me a present because I got them one.
Why on earth would you open the presents early ? Thats really immature !

NewsClippings · 22/11/2011 15:53

What is the "history" OP?

Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 16:19

The history is that they don't seem at all interested in my brother's side of the family and constantly snub family members. tbh I don't really care for myself or my kids (they're not bothered as long as they get their xmas presents), but I do care about seeing my parents upset by how they have been treated.

For example, they very very rarely visit my parents who are about 20 minutes away - about once every 3 months. My parents aren't allowed to go to their house. They simply won't invite anyone and if you suggest popping round they always say no. And lots more.

But they are totally different with my SIL's side of the family. My family are, I think really nice and not interfering. But I think my SIL and to a certain extent my brother think they are too good for my brother's side of the family.

I'm not really sure why they would think this, but it is the general impression they give.

I hadn't thought about them trying to give us a message with their presents, so I won't buy anything else after all. I had thought they were just being super organised, but I will arrange to see them before Xmas to give presents and money/tokens for their kids - they are teenagers and this is what they want. So there was not a "need" to give us our presents early.

And yes, we are probably immature for opening Xmas presents in November!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/11/2011 19:32

I think all of you who are slamming the OP for opening her presents early are being a bit daft. What the hell does it matter whether she opens it now or on Christmas Day?

flatbread · 22/11/2011 19:53

Imperial, I agree. How does it matter when the gifts are opened? OP I think your brother and SIL need a bit of a wake-up call and realize that they cannot take you for granted.

Giving cheap supermarket toiletries (I am assuming that's where they got them) is not a nice gift. My SIL is not well off, but she picks up the most lovely, magical gifts for us. Really well thought out and beautifully wrapped. For example, last year she got us cut-out of butterflies to put on our window, a vanilla candle and a lovely handmade soap. Nothing expensive, but nice things that I love.

So OP, think your SIL doesn't sound nice at al. If I were you, I would just give them a box of generic Green and Black chocolates and be done. send the same message back to them.

WhyAlwaysFuckingMe · 22/11/2011 20:02

I bought them stuff for £50 they should spend £ 50 too.... Next time spend money on yourself and your dh and stop bitching. Did you even think that whatever they spend could be a lot to them? Wy always bought presents for every kid up to 16 years old in my dp family. ( 11 kids) when my dc was born she didn't even get a card from any of the parents, but we do not buy to receive.

flatbread · 22/11/2011 20:13

Whyalways, it is not the money, I think. It is the thought and care that went in getting the gift. In our case, we probably spend 10x of what SIL and family get us, but I would say their gifts are wonderful, and it makes us feel special that they put thought and effort into their gift. Otherwise what is the point of exchanging gifts?

Candid · 22/11/2011 20:13

I think I know what you mean op and if I were you, I'd just give them what I'd already got.

It does seem like your sil doesn't really care about you so I wouldn't really bother going to too much effort for her. Why have they given their presents so early? Are they not planning on seeing you between now and Christmas?

WhyAlwaysFuckingMe · 22/11/2011 20:17

I hate Xmas gifts dilemma. It should always be set budget for like £10-£20 and that's all. True! you can get many nice things without spending fortune.

cricketballs · 22/11/2011 20:54

it says a lot to me 'SIL and Bro' - why are you putting the 'blame' on SIL and not your brother?

cricketballs · 22/11/2011 20:57

maybe this is payback for the amount of times that op's on here have been advised to stick with their own family and 'not bother with the ILs if they don't fully agree with them on every aspect of life'.....

Doha · 22/11/2011 21:10

YABU for opening the presents in November
YANBU not to buy them additional gifts.

Get in early OP and suggest to SIL that you stop buying Christmas presentsfor the adults. That will save them money----result

Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 21:23

"why are you putting the 'blame' on SIL and not your brother?"

Yes you are right - it is both of them. I know though my brother leaves all present buying to my SIL. But his apathy doesn't really excuse him.

flatbread - Yes supermarket toiletries. My mum and dad one year bought us toiletries when we were due to go on a holiday without kids. So they bought travel size toiletries of everything we would need in a nice travel bag. Wasn't expensive, but it did show thought, which this present didn't.

But the more I think about it the more I realise it is really about the wider issue and not the presents. I have had presents before from friends and my SIL that haven't shown any thought, but I haven't been bothered in the least about it. I think this is just because the presents bring up my anger about how they both treat my family.

Luckily my kids have doting GPs on both sides of the family and doting aunt and uncles on DP's side, so their total uninterest hasn't upset my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
lesley33 · 22/11/2011 21:25

Doha - I suggested before only buying presents for kids and my SIL just looked at me with disdain. FFS - I should just forget about them. I know its because I listened to my mum and dad being upset at the weekend about another snub that I am thinking of them now. But really - "they're not worth it!"

OP posts:
BarkisIsWillin · 22/11/2011 21:37

Some people just don't like shopping, and long lists of people to buy gifts for bring them out in a rash. Wink

rogersmellyonthetelly · 22/11/2011 22:02

Tbh I would be the bigger person and buy them what you were going to originally. Turn the other cheek and all that.