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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why women say they are ok when they are really struggling?

57 replies

newcastle78 · 20/11/2011 23:50

Met up with some friends today and they asked how I was. I said the usual fine thank you but actually I am struggling. Why do women do this? Or is it just me?

OP posts:

muffinflop · 21/11/2011 00:02

I say it because my parents brought me up to think any kind of failure makes you a weak person. What's wrong?

muffinflop · 21/11/2011 00:02

Oh and I resent my parents for making me think that

workshy · 21/11/2011 00:04

are you me newcastle78?

Moominsarescary · 21/11/2011 00:05

I don't even know why I do it but I always say it, those who know me well know when I'm lying, why are you struggling op?

timidviper · 21/11/2011 00:06

Not just women OP. Sometimes men are even worse at asking for help.

Having said that, when you politely ask "How are you?", do you really want to know. There's a time and a place for confiding I guess

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2011 00:06

Actually if I was going to bring a sex into it I'd say it's more a 'man thing'...you know, brave face and all that.

muffinflop · 21/11/2011 00:07

Saying that I feel awkward when I say 'hi, how are you' and they launch into a tirade of self pity...that'll be my parents' doing again though I'm sure

cat64 · 21/11/2011 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Signet2012 · 21/11/2011 00:09

I always say Im fine even if Im not. Mainly because Im pretty private, and mainly because I cant be arsed to go into it - especially if Im having coffee or other diverting from my own thoughts activities.

Drives DP mad but I generally open up a bit after.

I think it comes from the brush things under the carpet, always be strong
shite attitude that my family have always had.

Im shit at talking about things!

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 21/11/2011 00:19

Quick, there's a thread over in chicken-keeping where no-one's yet rushed in and remind us how equally, if not more tough, the poor old men have it too! Run!!

Yeah, I'm like this too - have just had a really tough week with my 1 and 2 YOs and DH away - was actually sobbing on Saturday and looking at flights down to my Dad's as I seriously didn't think I was going to cope. But have totally played it down to all but my best friend.

I have to say, I had NO CLUE how tough parenthood was going to be. None. I think what you describe is so ingrained, OP, that we do tend to go into it with our eye's quite closed and the reality can often be a massive shock.

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2011 00:25

Slinking I don't really understand the first line of your post...but it's not a competition.

The OP brought 'women' into it....therefore is it not ok to mention it's also often a 'man thing'?

Original poster

newcastle78 · 21/11/2011 00:27

I am dealing with death of parent and dp who hasn't a clue how I an feeling but still I say things are fine.

OP posts:

juneybean · 21/11/2011 00:36

I've gone the other way, people ask how I am and I just don't answer. (usually in texts I might add) but yeah I guess face to face I do say I'm fine.

Sorry about the loss of your parent though :(

piprabbit · 21/11/2011 00:38

, not sure that smiling is always the best way to get through things though (although it is what I usually do).

Sorry to hear about your loss, I'm afraid that the only way your DP will have a clue is if you find a way to talk to him about how you feel.

VelcroFanjo · 21/11/2011 00:39

Most people ask as it is polit..they don't realy care. That's why I aways say I'm O.K. I'm not but they would not give a stuff anyway, so what's the point?

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 21/11/2011 00:42

Worra - you can mention whatever you like - I'm not the boss.

It just bemuses me that any and every thread which even hints at something to do with women will have the usual contingent rushing to remind us of the men. Every time, guaranteed.

I was just commenting on that amused that this thread didn't even make 10 posts before it happened.

hanaka88 · 21/11/2011 05:14

My gran calls me once a week and says 'how are you coping' I always say 'I'm fine' and then I get 'you always say you're fine' I kind of think if someone can't help there is no point worrying them.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 21/11/2011 05:22

hanaka I know what you mean. You tailor your moans to your audience.

I agree with the other posters who have said that in 90% of cases, people don't really care- When they say "How are you?" they really mean "What's happening?" and the correct answer is "fine", or "Went to the cinema, read this book, played squash," not "major bowel surgery and bereavements"

Also, if you see someone you havent seen for ages, and you know you're about to have a 3 minute conversation, then it makes sense to keep it light

That's what differentiates friends from acquaintances. The problems come when you have no-one you can tell how you really feel.

hanaka88 · 21/11/2011 07:45

Do you know what I do as well (to people that can help) is moan and moan about things then when they say are you coping I say 'yeh I'm fine' not sure why

Andrewofgg · 21/11/2011 08:06

OP You are seeing gender differences where there are none. How I answer that question depends mainly on who asks it.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 21/11/2011 08:20

I really, really don't think the OP meant to imply that men don't do this as well.

Andrewofgg · 21/11/2011 08:23

Well she said word women not people which suggests that she did. Not that it matters.

Adversecamber · 21/11/2011 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Psammead · 21/11/2011 08:31

Because people don't really care.

Because I don't want to burden others.

Because I don't want to be seen as a whinger.

But at some point it all comes out anyway.

Whatmeworry · 21/11/2011 09:02

Nearly everybody tries to put a brave face in things, its a human, not a woman thing. I'm not certain its for the best though as bottling things up never really helps, but choose who you unburden too.

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