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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why women say they are ok when they are really struggling?

57 replies

newcastle78 · 20/11/2011 23:50

Met up with some friends today and they asked how I was. I said the usual fine thank you but actually I am struggling. Why do women do this? Or is it just me?

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 21/11/2011 09:07

I always say I'm fine. I'm not good at talking about problems - it feels weird, even on here. I prefer to bottle things up and stuff them away in the uncharted corners of my brain.

It's quite crowded in there tbh.

TroublesomeEx · 21/11/2011 10:04

Because when you meet up and say "hi, how are you?" that's not the forum for a "well actually..."

It's a salutation.

My brother and my mother both answer this question honestly (the following are both summaries of real conversations).

Me - "Hi, how are you?"

Mum - "Oh, same as usual. X is still of work at the moment and they won't get a temp in to cover them which means we've got to all cover her work. I wouldn't mind but I've had to set up some new spreadsheets this week and I'm the only one who can put the formula in so I'm the one who always gets asked and the Snr Mgmnt have no idea how much pressure they're putting on us...."

Brother - "How am I? You're asking how I am? How do you think I fucking am? My grandma died at the start of the fucking year, (er my grandma too) the economy's fucked, TTC isn't working and we've got no fucking money to pay for IVF... Don't ever talk to me about your fucking children ever again, I don't fucking give a shit about you and your fucking children; my parents got divorced (18 years ago) and don't give a fucking shit about any of us; if we hadn't had to pay for our wedding ourselves we'd be able to afford IVF. Then again, if someone had given enough of a shit to help pay for the wedding, we'd have got married sooner and then X getting pregnant might not have been so much of a fucking issue..."

Frankly, I don't want to hear it. If I greet someone with a "Hi how are you?" I'd like to hear "Oh you know, not too bad. You?" at which point I can say, "yeah, you know, the same. Do you want a drink?" and then other stuff can come out in the course of conversation.

And breathe....

FredFredGeorge · 21/11/2011 10:22

Everyone says it (Or a variation, for various reasons I don't like saying I'm fine, so always use another phrase which makes a joke of the question), because the question isn't really about asking someone how they are. It's part of the greeting ceremony between people to provide easy rules and cues that it's okay to have a conversation.

If you said it in response to a genuine request in the middle of a conversation then it would be wrong to say fine if you're not and wanted to talk about it, but you would be breaking the general rules of British behaviour (and many other but not all countries who may have different greeting ceremonies)

Breaking it though would be a real sign of needing help, so if you do meet someone who does - take it seriously!

Meglet · 21/11/2011 10:26

I like having a bit of a grumble Grin. I can't bear to pretend it's easy.

TroublesomeEx · 21/11/2011 10:29

I think you can answer without pretending it's easy and without taking that initial greeting as an opportunity to offload all your woes as angrily as possible!

I wouldn't mind, but my brother has a stock of about 15 problems and they all get released as aggressively as possible. He doesn't find it cathartic because none of his anger is abated as the rant continues, if anything the opposite is true and he becomes increasingly angry to the point where he begins to insult me and my children when nothing he is angry about has anything to do with any of us!

If he said "Oh the usual, but i'm not getting into it today! how are you?" He might find his life a little more pleasant!

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 21/11/2011 10:43

I think there's also an element of being expected to be fine which you feel you have to go along with.

ie: You're pregnant and you're supposed to be glowing and happy and everything perfect and every other woman you know coped just fine with being pregnant and working and blah blah blah so you feel like you're a failure or letting the side down if you're not coping, or you're having a bad day. Plus there's always someone worse off than you. Perhaps they couldn't get pregnant in the first place, or lost their baby, so you feel like an ungrateful shit for daring to feel anything less than brilliant, let alone saying it...

Just as an example, y'know.

LittleMissFlustered · 21/11/2011 10:47

I'm a "same old same old" answerer for the most part folk Your brother appears to have a field of King Edward's on his shoulder though. You need to watch that or he'll be bitching about pulled muscles nextWink

somewherewest · 21/11/2011 11:41

I don't think its a gender thing. There's a huge amount of social pressure to be 'fine' all the time.

Rhiana1979 · 21/11/2011 11:45

MakesCakes

Good example. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and whenever I get asked how I am I just reply "fine thanks"

I'm actually suffering with SPD, peeing every 5 mins (toilet upstairs) feel sick constantly and can't sleep because I'm so uncomfortable.

But generally people don't want to hear all that so "fine" it is.

tripleZ · 21/11/2011 12:12

I did a social - haven't seen you for a while - how are you to someone I don't know well recently and got a ten minute diatribe about their health with everything I said being wrong and with youngest DC desperate for my attention the whole time. Really wished I hadn't asked as I don't think the conversation helped either of us.

When I have answered anything but fine to family - even when things have been pretty bad - I've been criticised. Even when things clearly aren't my fault - I should cope better Hmm. There is never any help on offer and I have always felt worse for both admitting everything is not fine and for feeling rejected.

That an an upbringing where I was taught to be independent and not rely on others as they will always let you down Hmm- make me hesitant to ask friends for help.

So I'm always fine.

cuteboots · 21/11/2011 12:28

I blame my parents for bringing me up to be independant and not moan. I always say im fine or ok but deep down and over the last few weeks I have felt far from it....

fuzzynavel · 21/11/2011 12:48

Maybe it's because its seen as a sort of greeting really.

How are you?

Fine thanks.

How are you?

Well my sciatica's playing up a bit. My DS won't bloody sleep and I've forgotten to buy ruddy loo roll again....

Too much information Blush

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2011 12:52

It just bemuses me that any and every thread which even hints at something to do with women will have the usual contingent rushing to remind us of the men. Every time, guaranteed

But that's a good thing surely? I mean, it often helps when people put things into perspective or add another dimension to the discussion?

I'm not sure why anyone would be bemused by that.

It's not like 'men' is a dirty word or something Grin

Trills · 21/11/2011 12:58

YABU to think that it is a thing that only women do.

You haven't explained if your friend said "how are you" as a greeting or if she actually asked how you were.

If the former then it would not be socially acceptable for anyone, when greeted with "how are you?", to actually tell the person how they are. They don't want to know how you are, they want to say hello.

mrsjay · 21/11/2011 13:05

FINE should be banned for a womans volcabulary (oops spelling) , its an awful word how are you ? oh im fine . I guess we just dont want to bother others even our friends , We have a bit of a joke at work , we say morning how are you , do you want the Fine answer or the real answer ,

but i think sharing troubles with friends is ok and just blurt it out usually makes us feel a wee bit better ,

Trills · 21/11/2011 13:54

Is it going to rain?
No, the radio said it'll be fine.

Strain through a fine mesh.

My appointment ran over and I got a parking fine.

fatlazymummy · 21/11/2011 13:58

I agree it's not a gender specific trait.
Personally I was brought up to be dependent and not burden others with my problems, and I prefer it that way really. Of course there are agencies and professionals who can often help if it is really needed but I don't think I need to go on about my problems to everyone I meet. I have a freind who used to do that, and TBH it could be quite stressful just being with her.

fatlazymummy · 21/11/2011 13:58

Sorry, meant 'independent'.

mrsjay · 21/11/2011 14:11

I never ask my husband how he is i havnt enough time in the day for his moans Grin

TroublesomeEx · 21/11/2011 15:13

Littlemissflustered - Thank you, that made me smile. I reread what I'd put and began to feel the tension rising just thinking about it and then saw your post.

Ha ha. He has a field of spuds and then some! That's not even the half of it. He even has rants about a GCSE he didn't take and how that ruined his life.

He needs a lie down in a dark room!

velvetvamp · 21/11/2011 16:14

Whenever I'm asked how I am and I'm not OK I say 'Do you want the ''fine'' or do you want the truth?'''

It puts it out there that I'm not OK and leaves it to them decide if they want to know more. Also saves me from having to paste on a stupid grin and lie.

SunRaysthruClouds · 21/11/2011 16:18

Ha ha - I have always thought that 'Hello, how are you?' is an odd greeting when the asker really doesn't give a shit want to know, which is how this arises.

So today as from reading this thread, I have decided never to say it again, unless I really am interested in the askees bunyons. Hmmm, may be 'Nice to see you', though that's a bit Brucie, or perhaps 'Awite' aaargh, very Barrymore. oh dear, confused...

Oh - and the women bit is irrelevant.

StopRainingPlease · 21/11/2011 16:40

"Whenever I'm asked how I am and I'm not OK I say 'Do you want the ''fine'' or do you want the truth?'''

It puts it out there that I'm not OK and leaves it to them decide if they want to know more. Also saves me from having to paste on a stupid grin and lie."

But that's not really a free decision for them is it? Have you ever had anyone say, "I'd like the 'fine' please." as I couldn't care less how you are

fickencharmer · 21/11/2011 16:44

good point Newcastle. I suppose we all do it at times. Because we wish to close the conversation without getting personal.

MrsGypsy · 21/11/2011 16:45

velvetvamp that's good - really good, and I'm going to use it in future. It can be said with a nice snarl to it that really appeals to me at the moment. :)

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