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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to smack dh in the face?

56 replies

colliwobble · 17/11/2011 22:31

turned down sex for the first time (been married 15yrs). it is day 7 and still dh wont talk to me, what ever sympathy i had has run out. he wont let me explain my reasons because i didnt have any good ones one the night??? err..free will, theres one - so annoyed I dont want to talk to him either, but weve 2dc's that need their mum and dad to behave like grownups.

OP posts:
ouryve · 17/11/2011 22:34

Give him a box of tissues and tell him to get over himself.

FabbyChic · 17/11/2011 22:34

Fuking hell it's your right to be able to say no. You don't need an excuse.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 17/11/2011 22:36

FGS, tell him to grow up he's not a petulant child. You were not rejecting him, you just didn't feel like it!

worraliberty · 17/11/2011 22:36

Sounds like you have problems that run deeper than that?

MissPenteuth · 17/11/2011 22:40

If he's trying to make you want to have sex with him, sulking for a week is not the way to go about it. Behaving like a petulant 5yo is not attractive. Tell him to get over himself.

cricketballs · 17/11/2011 22:40

1st time you have said no in 15 years - bloody hell are you a saint Grin

ujjayi · 17/11/2011 22:42

He needs to grow the fuck up. He clearly thinks he is living in quite another era.

Presumably this behaviour isn't entirely out of the blue? Is he usually so petulant?

LoopyLoopsRootyFroots · 17/11/2011 22:46

How can this possibly have been the first time you've said no?! Shock

A1980 · 17/11/2011 22:49

The OP needs to grow the fuck up as well. If a man said he wanted to smakc his wife across the face (for whatever reason) all of you would peeing in your pants and making comments regarding abusive husbands. How is it any more acceptable for her to say it about her DH even though he is being a complete git.

Well hit him then.... maybe he'll hit you back. See how it goes.

cricketballs · 17/11/2011 22:53

A1980 - its a phrase/saying/mood not to be meant literally!

That is the reason why these forums exist to allow people to blow off steam/gather views etc

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 17/11/2011 22:55

All the above posts being said (and I am dying to shout Leave the Bastard in the true spirit of AIBU) perhaps he felt reject at the time, and was genuinely puzzled/hurt/upset by your not wanting to have sex with him. He can't read your mind, and may have thought his advances would be welcome/reciprocated, and not known how to react when they weren't. You say you "didn't have a good reason" (in his eyes) but men often just don't "get" some things, and without an actual "reason" as such that he can say to himself "ok, it's not me, it's not that she doesn't fancy me/has gone off me/is leaving me for a bloke she met on the internet" he just doesn't understand.
He might now be behaving like an arse, but by allowing this whole situation to fester, neither of you are doing yourselves or the DCs any favours :( Could you maybe be the bigger person and just put your arms round him and say you love him? I presume you do love him since you've been together 15 years and have children together. Is it really worth throwing all that away over something that is basically petty and childish? (ok on his part originally, but now it sounds like both of you are being a bit silly)

Original poster
colliwobble · 17/11/2011 22:56

yes he is petulant, yes he does think its the 1950's and his parents taught him well how to be emotionally challenged. He thinks it is significant of something deeper, and whilst I do have issues with his general emotional distance, lazyness, selfishness, egocentricism(how ever u spell that) - at the time it was just a case of Id been drinking, came home, mum and dad babysitting didnt leave for ages, grew lethargic and couldnt be arsed. Im not a night person at all but my husband is nocturnal. I actually think he has aspergers

OP posts:
A1980 · 17/11/2011 22:59

A1980 - its a phrase/saying/mood not to be meant literally! That is the reason why these forums exist to allow people to blow off steam/gather views etc

I don't care. Would you excuse it and justify it if a man said he wanted to smack his wife in the face whether he actually meant it or not?

Thought not!

ujjayi · 17/11/2011 23:01

A1980 I agree with your comments but I also understand that people often use phrases without thinking, particularly in anger.

He does need to grow up but as pombear says perhaps he is feeling a bit hurt and confused. Have you been distant for a while and this is the final straw for him? If it is out of character then surely there must be more to his behaving this way?

Original poster
colliwobble · 17/11/2011 23:03

A1980 - I have never hit anyone in my life!!! I did not say I was going to, just that i felt like it - I would like a resolution - not a divorce - am i really being childish for being so frustrated that i feel like lashing out? - even though I would absolutely not - a week is a long time to be punished for my terrible crime Ithink - have a heart!

OP posts:
Original poster
colliwobble · 17/11/2011 23:13

pombear - I have acted normally, occasionally asking him to talk about it and being told there is no point.- I put food in front of him, he eats it and says nothing, I iron his clothes,he wears them and says nothing, I promote him to the children, even though he is being so rude to me, I sit next to him on the sofa and he looks through me. I am being the bigger person. I was going to try again tonight but my ds is poorly and I cant get downstairs.

OP posts:
cricketballs · 17/11/2011 23:17

I said at the weekend that I AIBU to kill my DS - it was a saying/phrase to express how angry I felt at that time; as the op has said it is the same for her

I would prefer a man to say on line how angry he was rather than actually take it out on anyone, just the same as the op has done

UnexpectedOrange · 17/11/2011 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
colliwobble · 17/11/2011 23:34

ujjayi - I havent been as attentive since having the dc's and doing a degree. it was just the two of us for 11 years. he does nothing for himself but now finds himself third or fourth in line and i often forget that hes waiting to havehis needs met coz im juggling a lot (plus I have the kind of dyslexia that effects memory), and i get so frustrated that he doesnt help himself more (or me) but as i say i do think he might have aspergers so I have a rant away from him,smileand go back in. eventually hegets over himself,but this is thelongest ithas been and ive really had enough

OP posts:
Original poster
colliwobble · 17/11/2011 23:39

unexpected orange - tried that once, he can play games forever, i cant stand them. would rather get back to whatever normal is.

cricketballs - i hope noone thinks you actually want to kill your ds - thanks for arguing my case. My dad used to say he would havemy guts for garters- maybe he was an offle cross dresser :)

OP posts:
ShellyBoobs · 17/11/2011 23:45

to want to smack dh in the face?

Maybe he wants to smack you in the face too?

Sounds lovely.

DSM · 17/11/2011 23:45

Agree with A1980 - not an acceptable 'use of phrase'. It's just not. Have some decorum.

Aside - you've never said no in 15 years? Bloody hell. He's probably worried something is wrong. Forget the fact it's about sex, doing something different for the first time in 15 years would bother anyone.

grovel · 17/11/2011 23:53

I would say he's a bit of wanker but actually he needs to become one.

abbeylockhart · 17/11/2011 23:57

He's "waiting to have his needs met" wtf!

Would you want your dd to be in a marriage like this?

Pekka · 18/11/2011 00:02

YANBU to feel upset by his behaviour. 7 days of silent treatment after a "No" is not reasonable.
YABU to want to smack him but I trust it's just an unfortunate choice of words.