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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to smack dh in the face?

56 replies

colliwobble · 17/11/2011 22:31

turned down sex for the first time (been married 15yrs). it is day 7 and still dh wont talk to me, what ever sympathy i had has run out. he wont let me explain my reasons because i didnt have any good ones one the night??? err..free will, theres one - so annoyed I dont want to talk to him either, but weve 2dc's that need their mum and dad to behave like grownups.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/11/2011 00:08

What pekka said - with added emphasis on the 'YANBU' to feel upset bit.

If he won't talk, could you write things down? You need to let him know that you saying no to sex is normal and fine, even if it's the first time you've done it, and he doesn't get to react like this. Can you ask him why he feels you've done something to sulk about?

Frankly, unless some giant and improbably misunderstanding has happened here, and he's sulking about something other than you refusing sex, he comes across as a really nasty person.

Original poster
colliwobble · 18/11/2011 00:18

DSM-ok, getting the picture re smack in the face as offesive term. I hope I have decorum in the real world but here in cyberspace i was hoping to blow off steam. But I take your point as it was delivered with decorum.

shelleyboobs -no - i think i knocked the wind out of his sails. not lovely, not real either. Id rather hug him but he wont let me.

abbeylock - no i wouldnt. i also worry that ds will treat a woman as dh does. I am torn every day between a united front as parents and teaching my dc's that some things are not acceptable.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/11/2011 01:18

I am torn every day between a united front as parents and teaching my dc's that some things are not acceptable.

But Colli, eveyr day you live this life and crawl over broken glass to placate this sulky petulant child, you are teaching them that its acceptable. I am not saying "Leave the bastard" but I am saying that you need to stop pandering to this crap.

Regardless of what you think he may has (I have no knowledge or experience of ASD), you as a couple clearly need help. This ridicuous situation could be the catalyst you need to change things.

Insist on counselling to help him see that wife doesnt not equal slave, sexual or otherwise! And yes, stop cooking or washing for him, you dont behave like that and still get stuff done for you. You wouldnt allow anyone else to treat you like this and still do things for them, so dont allow him to.

Bogeyface · 18/11/2011 01:20

PS as someone who posted once about wanting smack DH one over something horrible he had done, and got a very long thread focussed on my "anger management issues" rather than what had actually happened, I can sympathise with the feeling that you want to do something, safe in the knowledge that you would never actually do it!

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 18/11/2011 01:38

colliewobble - 15 years and a couple of kids later, how come this the first time you have said 'not tonight'?

SouthStar · 18/11/2011 02:05

Maybe it is more to do with the way you declined that he is having a sulk about, did you let him down gently? If so he needs a serious reality check

FirstVix · 18/11/2011 02:12

ChippinIn, unless you think the reason might be relevant to his subsequent behaviour, I don't think that's important. Everyone has the right to say 'no' whenever. Just because.

Colli, there are some things you can still refuse to do (like ironing) that won't affect your life but he will maybe realise are not happening (if you want to).

Sit next to him. Wait for the silence. Comment 'I see you're still having your tantrum' or similar if you think he's being deliberately like that. If you think the reason might be more underlying (as others have said, he's feeling hurt) ask him what's wrong. 'You need to tell me why you're annoyed' or something?

FirstVix · 18/11/2011 02:13

ChippingIn, sorry!

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 18/11/2011 04:06

FirstVix - a missing 'g' is neither here nor there.

It's really not up to you to determine whether what I ask is relevant or not frankly.

However, since you seem to require that I explain my thoughts to you Hmm...

Of course it's important - do you think I asked for the good of my health?

15 years is a long time
2 pregnancies (at least)
2 births (at least)
Illness
Work worries
Bereavements
Periods
Tired
Pissed off

Let alone... just not in the mood for it...

That is a long time & a lot of reasons to have said 'not tonight' before now. So why now? Why hasn't the OP said 'No' before - was she too scared? Too worried about losing him? ?? & what has changed now?

It is not going to be the first time she's felt like this Id been drinking, came home, mum and dad babysitting didnt leave for ages, grew lethargic and couldnt be arsed - so why she has never said 'No' before is important.

I hope that meets your approval Hmm

MiniMonty · 18/11/2011 04:54

Hmmmm... deep problems here. Do you say that in 15 years you never once didn't feel like sex with your husband always and exactly when he fancied it ?

Until this "incident" ?
Hard to believe in a relationship which includes children.
(anyone else find this difficult...) ?

Advice going forward would be:
You need to talk... to a LOT of people.
If the circumstances you describe are real you are unusual and either unusally attracted to your husband sexually or unusually obedient to his wishes, desires and whims. I think either way you would do well to share your experience with your peers (surely you know some women of similar age via school etc.,) or at least with your own family.

MiniMonty · 18/11/2011 04:56

Re A1980 - the point is absolutely valid and shouldn't be shut down. If a MAN posted "Am I being unreasonable to want to smack my bitch up" I think a torrent - or maybe an avalanche would fall on him and yet this post "smack dh in the face" gets serious and thoughtful comments posted to the OP despite her original (violent) assertion / question.

The mereset mention of violence against women by men will cause a huge response on this forum, over a dinner party table or in society at large but the suggestion of violence by women against men goes unmentioned, un-noticed and causes VERY little fuss. Is this the "success" of feminisim ? I can't think so.
So what's the story ?

Guess what - this will probably just go - unanswered....

FellatioNelson · 18/11/2011 05:09

Good Lord, first time in fifteen years? Send him round here - he'll soon learn where his bread is buttered.

FellatioNelson · 18/11/2011 05:11

Having said that, I totally agree with MiniMonty. I do not think it is at all acceptable for women to hit, or even to suggest they might want to hit their menfolk as a way of venting frustration or showing displeasure, and we do seem to struggle with huge double standards on this.

lifechanger · 18/11/2011 05:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 18/11/2011 07:05

Colli, I think you need to stop using this excuse of potential Aspergers that you've alighted upon to justify your husband's petulance - this needs a diagnosis from a doctor (or are you a doctor?) . He may well show signs of Aspergers - he also shows signs of being a spoilt brat who has been pandered to for years and allowed to believe that only his needs are met.

So he has to wait in turn while you deal with the children - well tough shit, that's what happens when children come along - and he should be sharing the responsibilites with you, not sitting about sulking over it !

Of course you don't have to justify your reasons for not wanting sex, and I'm amazed you're bot more angry that he seems to view your body and emotions as his plaything. It is perfectly normal to not want to have sex sometimes.

I do see why you want to keep up appearances in front of DC, but they will know - and it's your DH who has taken away the option to operate as normal here. Stop making it so easy for him - don't just do everything, ask him if he would like to join you for dinner, ask him if he has any washing or ironing to be done. If he ignores you, tell him that you assume that's a no. If hw says yes, then use that as an inroad into a civilised discussion - but make it clear that you are not his slave.

Original poster
colliwobble · 18/11/2011 08:17

minimonty (and anyone else concerned) a close family member was a victim of physical and mental abuse from his wife - please do not think I take that lightly.

and yes i should have known better. i am human. but i got over it quickly.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 18/11/2011 12:43

Yanbu.

He is waiting to have his needs met?!! What is that all about?!

Signet2012 · 18/11/2011 12:51

I turn mr signet down about 4 times a week! If he wanted to go on silly about it then Id turn him down indefinitely see how he liked that!

Im not into having sex for someone elses needs, If Im not into it then its a bit tough really, just like I wouldnt WANT him to have sex with me if he wasnt into it.

knockkneedandknackered · 18/11/2011 12:58

15 years all that bonking bloody hell im envious least your getting some.

FirstVix · 18/11/2011 13:23

ChippingIn, I understand why you ask now - eg the might have been scared before thing is a good point (which was what I meant when I said if you think it impacts the whole thing). Wasn't trying to be rude, was trying, in my clumsy way, to say that even if 'yes' had always been the default answer before OP had every right to say no and it shouldn't affect her Partners behaviour after at all.

Which I know you agree with. It's just, aghhhh, I'm just getting clumsier! I guess I was trying to ask for clarification.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 18/11/2011 13:39

FirstVix - sorry for being grumpy. I've had about 2 hours sleep a night for about a fortnight (can't even blame a baby!!) and I was probably not at my best at 4 this morning! Of course we agree really - she has every right to say 'no' anytime, but as you can see now - once in 15 years is not normal :( In future - it might be best, if you don't understand why someone is asking something - to ask why they're asking that, instead of declaring it an unimportant question Wink and I'll stop posting when I'm cranky Grin

Original poster
colliwobble · 18/11/2011 14:57

chippingin - the reason i have never refused before is partly because it comes so infrequently and partly because I knew he would react badly. but my hormones are changing and for a while now it has been harder to get motivated during some weeks than others. it was a bad drink fuelled decision to say - 'no' but it came out of the blue and i hadnt put any case notes together or planned a speech before the dreaded incident and i didnt put my case forward very well.
I will be paying for a long time for my defiance, but in the meantime dialogue opened up a bit at about midnightlast night. whilst he says it will take him a long time to recover(poor baby got a boo boo), and whilst he will never in his life again approach me for sex (could get used to that), he has said he will stop ignoring me. it is a start.

THANKS EVERYONE for your comments (even the judgemental ones)
keep smiling :)

OP posts:
HeidiKat · 18/11/2011 15:42

Have you considered marriage counselling? Your last post worries me a bit, you will be paying for your defiance and he will never approach you for sex again sounds pretty unhealthy and he sounds like he wants to control you.

EricNorthmansMistress · 18/11/2011 16:15

Oh my actual god
This man thinks he has rights over you. He thinks he has the right to use you as a fuckhole whether you want to or not. You never turn him down because you're scared of the reaction - that's called coercion. There's another word for that beginning with R.
He's sulked and punished you for over a week for turning him down - will you be in a hurry to turn him down again?
I'm actually sickened at the thought of your life :( the thought of living with a man who thought he had fuck rights over me makes me feel physically I'll. OP he's a nasty inadequate sexual bully and you coulfn't pay me to stay with a man like that. Poor you.

FirstVix · 18/11/2011 16:18

S'Ok, I've had a bad couple of nights myself (I DO blame the baby Grin ) - I don't normally post much at all - as I don't want to come across wrong!

Sorry OP, didn't mean to derail. Good that talk has resumed, but I agree with others (and you) that this will be an awkward ongoing situation for you if you can't talk about it somehow.

Not helpful overall am I?!

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