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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry when DH books himself on a so-far-secret flight/holiday without us and I only find out by accident

67 replies

down2earthwithabump · 17/11/2011 12:44

I was left playing with DH i-phone (I only have an old brick) when my finger hit email and the booking page for an easy-jet trip comes straight up with tickets booked for a ski-ing holiday in January. First I know about it! But apparently (despite a couple of calm but sarcastic remarks like "where's the email with our tickets") I need anger-management. Apparently in a "calm discussion" once DD was in bed, he hadn't booked a holiday, just a flight Hmm that he could cancel but I know it is by invitation from friends to a particular chalet that has happened before.

I don't have a problem with him going nor do I feel I need to give "permission" but I do not like that I am not even informed or it is not discussed before when there are serious financial issues that we are not addressing and I feel guilty if I can't make the few clothes I bought in the summer last over the winter by layering. DH say regularly "We are not going to spend anything on the house until we can manage our spending better!" Sad

Also this is one thing in a series of not being told something. I guess I can be grateful it is just one ticket not two I don't know or were meant to find out about!

How would you react?

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 17/11/2011 12:49

Is it tickets booked or 1 ticket?

And he's off with his mates is he?

And when exactly was he thinking of telling you?
And why keep it a secret? Is it because he knows he's doing something not fair to your family in your current financial situation?

I'd be fuming at the bloody secrecy. At the lack of adult discussion on whether it's apt to be off ski-ing when things are tight etc...

Hassled · 17/11/2011 12:50

You can't cancel EasyJet flights. This is made blindingly obvious when you buy them. He can not go, but he can't get the money back - and he knows this.

How I'd react? Hopping mad. That's shit behaviour.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 17/11/2011 12:51

I would be furious. Not that he wanted to go somewhere with "his" friends and without me, but that he hadn't bothered to mention it before actually booking up. I think of my relationship with my DH as a partnership, we discuss any major expenditure, and anything one of us wants to do that will impact on the other BEFORE we go ahead and make plans/book things. We discuss pretty much everything in fact, so I would be really pissed off if he suddenly did something like that. More so if I found out by accident! When was he planning to tell you? (I did once know someone who said he was just nipping to the shop for some ciggies and sent his wife a postcard from Gibraltar a fortnight later though, so some men obviously just are that ignorant/annoying/selfish...)

lolaflores · 17/11/2011 12:51

arsehole. sorry love. are you someone he met once or the lodger?

peggyblackett · 17/11/2011 12:51

I would be livid. YADNBU.

catgirl1976 · 17/11/2011 12:54

YANBU - I would be fuming. As a couple you are meant to discuss things.

Sure he doesn't need permission but saying - "hey I am thinking of going skiing with xx - I know moneys a bit tight but I would like to go, what are your thoughts" is not the same as asking permission. The secrecy is really disrespectful

VivaLeBeaver · 17/11/2011 12:54

Dh does stuff like this.

Infact while I was very I'll in hospital last week he announced he's booked to go to s pain with his mates next week. I'm still bed ridden and on loads of morphine and he goes on sat!

Do you think your dh will go?

spugglers · 17/11/2011 12:56

It doesn't sound as if he is in a position to go on holiday if the finances are in a mess.

Regardless of the financial situation, he should have discussed it with you first. I presume you have children. Did he check that childcare arrangements were in place before booking the trip? Perhaps you were planning on going away that week.

He is taking you for granted. Putting his needs above yours and it doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

Abbicob · 17/11/2011 12:57

I would have gone mental and probably rang and cancelled the ticket without him knowing Smile

ljgibbs · 17/11/2011 12:58

YANBU he is showing a complete lack of respect to you. Is he normally secretive?

wannaBe · 17/11/2011 13:02

I would be fuming.

Again, not the going, or even the presumption that it was ok to go, but the booking tickets without having told you.

I think even if dh said to me that "I've been invited to go skiing with x and y and I've found tickets for x price," I could live with that, but .. just exactly when was he planning to tell you?

Sidge · 17/11/2011 13:04

Angry?

I'd be fucking raging.

How disrespectful and selfish.

Flimflammery · 17/11/2011 13:09

Of course YANBU. In his head he's still single and can do whatever he likes, regardless of how it affects you and your DD.

Malificence · 17/11/2011 13:10

Those are not the actions of a loving and respectful partner.

Shakey1500 · 17/11/2011 13:13

I would be absolutely fuming.

FredFredGeorge · 17/11/2011 13:16

I believe you can actually cancel EJ flights within 24 hours of booking. If the money is relatively irrelevant to the couple, and the rate was known to be going up shortly, booking before you've had a chance to talk to your DP about it could be reasonable behaviour (e.g. if the partner was out of contact for a day and you didn't want to wait and potentially cost yourself an extra 50 quid or no availability on the flight with your friends). However in the situation described that doesnt appear to be the case so YANBU (other than for snooping on his phone but if it really was an accident...)

Ephiny · 17/11/2011 13:19

YANBU at all. DP and I have been on separate holidays and I have no problem with that at all. But of course he should have discussed it with you before booking especially as you have a child and joint responsibilities to her. Even more so if money is tight, it makes sense to talk through any big spends like this - and I don't think it's on that he's going on skiing holidays while you can't afford warm clothes for the winter Angry.

How do you think he would have reacted if you'd just booked a holiday for yourself, just assuming that he'd look after DD on his own for that week, and regardless of what the money might have been needed for?

ChaoticAngel · 17/11/2011 13:20

YANBU I'd be furious, he's bang out of order.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 17/11/2011 13:23

I'd be raging too. DH wouldn't borrow my oyster card without asking never mind book a flight somewhere.

Inertia · 17/11/2011 13:26

I'd be furious.

If there is insufficient money in the household to adequately clothe all members of the family, then ski trips (and i-phones for that matter, unless it's a work one) are off the agenda.

The secrecy is a huge issue , especially as you say it's happened many times before.

You don't need anger management. You need your husband not to lie to you (am including lying by omission there).

giyadas · 17/11/2011 13:26

Intercept the ticket and go yourself.
Don't tell him 'til you're walking out the door with your holiday stuff packed.
If he complains, point him to anger management.

I know that's not really of any help, but is good fantasy revenge.
YANBU, he's totally in the wrong.

Stropzilla · 17/11/2011 13:27

Definately out of order, YANBU! I'd be having, as my name suggests, a right old go! Skiing is expensive, there's ski hire, boot hire (unless you have your own of course), and a lift pass. Naturally you have to eat on the mountain and depending on the country that can be extortionate. And is he planning on staying in or is there apres ski? Is the breakfast and evening meal included? I'd be asking him to sod the flight, even if it is booked, the rest of the hol will cost a fortune.

Is this the first time he's done this sort of thing? If not, I'd be considering some real repercussions to what he's doing to you. It's the height of selfishness when you're not buying clothes!

Curiosity - what country IS it?

ShoutyHamster · 17/11/2011 13:31

Hah! Well the first thing to do is cancel the ticket, of course. Secretly.

And the second, to book yourself an appointment with a lawyer. Secretly.

This isn't a marriage/partnership. What are you then, the badly dressed bottlewasher/babysitter?

He's a shit.

Esta3GG · 17/11/2011 13:32

Oh my what a dickhead you are lumbered with.
Ditch him - he bad bad bad.

Hassled · 17/11/2011 13:36

FredFredGeorge is right:
You may cancel your booking within 24 hours of making the original booking. Please note a cancellation can only be processed up to two (2) hours prior to the flight's scheduled departure time. You will receive a refund (including APD but excluding any credit card, transfer, speedy boarding, sports equipment, or other administrative fees). A cancellation fee per passenger per journey will be charged in accordance with the table below (for the UK that's £30).