to be angry when DH books himself on a so-far-secret flight/holiday without us and I only find out by accident

[down2earthwithabump]

I was left playing with DH i-phone (I only have an old brick) when my finger hit email and the booking page for an easy-jet trip comes straight up with tickets booked for a ski-ing holiday in January. First I know about it! But apparently (despite a couple of calm but sarcastic remarks like "where's the email with our tickets") I need anger-management. Apparently in a "calm discussion" once DD was in bed, he hadn't booked a holiday, just a flight that he could cancel but I know it is by invitation from friends to a particular chalet that has happened before.

I don't have a problem with him going nor do I feel I need to give "permission" but I do not like that I am not even informed or it is not discussed before when there are serious financial issues that we are not addressing and I feel guilty if I can't make the few clothes I bought in the summer last over the winter by layering. DH say regularly "We are not going to spend anything on the house until we can manage our spending better!"

Also this is one thing in a series of not being told something. I guess I can be grateful it is just one ticket not two I don't know or were meant to find out about!

How would you react?

You are logged onto your email account all the time on an iphone - its set up that way , all the icons are close together and it's annoyingly easy to catch one, the touchscreen is highly sensitive. Ditto texts/recent calls/web history whatever - iphones are made for convenience, once you are in it , everything is at your fingertips , that's why you should have a passcode on them.
I hate having my email account active all the time but it's a real faff to keep going in and changing settings, a passcode is pretty much the only security you get.

You are definitely not BU. You sound like a very long suffering person to me. I would be furious, but you sound like you are doing a very good job of being as reasonable as you can possibly be.

The fact you found out, were upset and then he said you needed "anger management" rather than, as a decent person would, say "sorry, didn't realise you were so upset" suggests to me your DH is essentially selfish and probably an emotional abuser, I'm guessing the marriage is "all about him".

As for saying you made a commitment before God... yes you did, and so did he, but he isn't keeping it. In fact you sound just like my aunt who put up with 35 years of a shit marriage to a totally selfish shit who finally did die, when she was too old to enjoy the freedom she had finally gained.

greengoose our summer holiday last year was just going to be the 6 days in a 2 man tent (I was squished between DH and DD) in a wet week in Cornwall. We made it a good holiday. It was late notice as I can never get him to commit to the time off work or the finance to book it (finance for camping!) Then I won a MN holiday... so we had a great holiday!! But it was with issues as DH was resentful that it still costed us finance to do it. This next year... who knows but if I win a MN holiday again, it may become a girlie trip!!
NorfolkNChance thanks for your vote of confidence too!
MrsRobertDuvall that is the level of discussion I expect. [envious]

Thanks to all for listening too my rant. X

well, i know there's a whole brigade of people on mumsnet who thinks maintaining a relationship with someone who isn't reciprocating your effort is just something that should somehow be accepted, but i don't actually see how it is a relationship worth staying in if someone is secretly dissipating your mutual resources and disregarding their responsibilities in this way. dp wouldn't go out for the evening without checking i was okay with doing the childcare alone, not to mind just fucking off on a holiday when i didn't have any warm clothes. your dp is a cock, and he doesn't value you properly; in your position, i would be re-evaluating my position.

I would be absolutely furious and would probably do something bad to his passport. I know where it is. He can never remember.

OP, you say you are a Christian and are committed to your marriage vows. All very commendable. But I have lost count of the number of women seeking advice on this site who have all said the same thing when it is absolutely obvious that their DH pays little or zero attention to their side of the marriage vows. Just how long can one person go on with such adherence to their side of the bargain when the other party clearly can't be arsed and doesn't give a shit?

You can't make someone take responsibility to be a decent husband by trying your hardest to be a good wife and ignoring all the evidence that they aren't interested in attempting it. It doesn't work like that. Your dedication to your marriage doesn't counter balance his lack of it.

As an aside, that is the first post I've seen with headings. You are my heroine!

Secondly - what a knob

couple of details that stand out here - I can never get him to commit to the time off work-because he's self-employed, I understand, been there: so how come he can book ahead for the skiing? Is it weather-related work, will he not be busy?
Secondly but more importantly: as it is a joint account, you have every right to know what is coming in each month. Look through a few month's bank statements. Most of them, at the top will have 'payments in' and 'payments out' - if the first is less than the second then you are in financial trouble and he needs to face up to it, not suggest that £400 goes on 'sundries'.
BTW clothes that you need are not sundries.

Just as a little throw-in thought - regardless of whether you work outside the home or not, I think it's vitally important you are as aware of your financial situation as your DH. Not knowing what state your finances are in - and not having funds of your own to draw on - puts you in quite a vulnerable position.

JamieComeHome re. headings... I don't think I have ever started a thread before! You made me laugh with your compliment, thanks.

Betabaker I have the same questions. I will look again at the statements.

pollyblue I have brought this up time and again and request housekeeping budget etc but the only offer is this £200 to spend on what we want? But maybe he just wants the £200 to go into a separate account for him so I can't see it? I have had £60 before but that has paid for DD clothing needs.

stripeywoollenhat you may not believe it but DH and I have been friends for 20 years and married for 6. I kinda have to hope that one day we will have fun again and that this is just a major learning curve. He is struggling with his business, has just heard about his mother's illness... I am not excusing the behaviour but I have to hope that he will change. Divorce can do so much damage to children. I am no martyr, but I have to believe that he is the same man I married. I just don't know how to find him in all the rubbish and hurt. I am not pretending that I don't make mistakes and need to change because it takes two and I am obviously not bringing the best out in him!

Everyone... well if I get marched along for anger management counselling, then most of you are coming too because a lot of you have been much more angry than me on my behalf!! Thanks. A bit of woman's solidarity and support has cheered me up and although I have just thrown up (not sure if it is DD's D&V or just stress) I am feeling a lot more balanced and calm and like I might get some sleep. Let me know if MN have a ski-ing holiday comp come up! I didn't think anyone would comment on the thread so you have all been kind. a toast to all the DP and DH who do communicate!

Life is to short for you to have to worry about this secrecy etc wait till the weekend and either make him leave straight away or make him rip the tickets up end of! Dont bother over a cup of tea etc just be blunt .He sounds like he needs a wake up call.oh in fact just chuck him out now.

I've got an iphone, Norfolk, and my email is not on the bottom bar (you can move it around to any position, any page) - and yes the email may stay open but the phone locks after a minute or two...so?

YANBU. I would be hopping mad if DH did this, But I know he wom't, We always discuss before buying something big, The only time DH has booked flights without asking me was when he booked flights to Barcelona for out 25th anniversery,

Proud from what the OP is describing I think she's hit the Safari button and the easyjet page was the most recently viewed and therefore right there to see.

OP I would be raging. If finances are tight then skiing has to wait for another year.

Yanbu, this is so shit.

But out of interest, what did you wear last winter?

Ah I assumed the OP was using said iPhone anyway so could have accidentally hit the email button that way proudnscary