to be angry when DH books himself on a so-far-secret flight/holiday without us and I only find out by accident

[down2earthwithabump]

I was left playing with DH i-phone (I only have an old brick) when my finger hit email and the booking page for an easy-jet trip comes straight up with tickets booked for a ski-ing holiday in January. First I know about it! But apparently (despite a couple of calm but sarcastic remarks like "where's the email with our tickets") I need anger-management. Apparently in a "calm discussion" once DD was in bed, he hadn't booked a holiday, just a flight that he could cancel but I know it is by invitation from friends to a particular chalet that has happened before.

I don't have a problem with him going nor do I feel I need to give "permission" but I do not like that I am not even informed or it is not discussed before when there are serious financial issues that we are not addressing and I feel guilty if I can't make the few clothes I bought in the summer last over the winter by layering. DH say regularly "We are not going to spend anything on the house until we can manage our spending better!"

Also this is one thing in a series of not being told something. I guess I can be grateful it is just one ticket not two I don't know or were meant to find out about!

How would you react?

Are you sure that the flight was booked for him and not for someone else?

OP ignore all the "leave him" comments which aren't helpful....especially when that's almost ALL they say, If I were you, I would be doing some MAJOR digging about to check he's not having an affair.

Its underhand behaviour....if it was only friends, then surely he would have mentioned it.....has his oter behaviour been normal recently?

Go buy some clothes of the same value as the ticket. Use his account card not your own. (fantasy maybe but I am only half joking).
Yanbu How awful. Managing finances should not be your sole responsibility but joint. His actions are not very grown up at all.....

You just need the ref number that should be on the email and you can go to 'manage my booking' on the EJet site. But as has been pointed out - where is the money coming from for the chalet/lift-pass/eqpt.hire, any new ski clothing and any apres-ski. Which resort is it as some are considerably dearer than others?

Selfish hypocritical shit ... for all the reasons already mentioned. The ticket on its own would be bad enough given your current finances, let alone the secrecy, but of course there'll be loads more to spend on too.

Why the hell is a responsibility-free, fun-filled, drink-fuelled (probably) holiday more important than ensuring you're clothed as well as can be, and/or sorting out the house and/or getting finances on an even keel ?

In an ideal world, and on an even playing field where both of you are taking their responsibilities towards the family/household budget seriously then sure, you'd be unreasonable to "refuse" to let him go (assuming it was discussed and NOT discovered as a fait accompli) but honestly, the way you've described it you should bloody well have a problem about him going ... because it's sneaky, selfish, irresponsible and unaffordable. He'd rather you "made do" with unsuitable clothes in the cold, while, somewhat ironically, he's off living it up in the snow ? Will he effing well be layering his T-shirts and shorts for the occasion hmmm ? ..... course he bloody won't be will he, he'll be comfortable in the cold .... which is going off the main issue I grant you, but you can surely see my point about how utterly selfish he's being ?!

Not sure what you can actually do about this though ? Lose his passport maybe .... which might prevent him from literally going, but won't solve anything if he doesn't accept he's been an entitled twat and apologise profusely to you. When you have "serious financial issues" then a treat of this magnitude would usually be out of the question for most people (accept that "serious" is subjective of course and don't know your exact circumstances), however, what makes it even worse is that it's all about him ..... it would have been just as irresponsible to book a trip away for both of you but at "least" you wouldn't have been excluded. This thing just screams that he believes he's somehow more "deserving" of treats/fun than you are, and that in fact his jollies are more important than you being clothed properly (let alone the other financial issues you haven't elaborated upon). If he can't/won't see this is wrong this would be a dealbreaker for me .... what's even worse is that you mention a history of things being kept from you which suggests you must have protested about this kind of thing before, presumably have implored him to be upfront and honest, and yet still he goes ahead and does this. Feel so sorry for you.

I am incredibly shocked someone would do this to their partner, let alone it being "one thing in a series" that you have not been told about. DH won't go to drinks after work with his colleagues without giving me a text - not because he needs my permission but it's something we both do to keep each other informed. Anything involving a plane ticket would involve weeks (at least!) of discussion.

Just out of curiosity, what were those other things he didn't tell you about? If they were surprise gifts for you/DCs, that's one thing - but weekends away, or mystery purchases he has never explained, that's quite another...

I would be livid I'm afraid, and in my simmering rage I'd "accidentally" post his passport to a very distant friend in a foreign country.

It wouldn't bother me at all as long as he was paying for the trip out of his own salary and as long as he'd made arrangements for any children we had between us to be cared for but it does cross my mind that your DP might be going with someone he wouldn't want you to know about.

fucking hell that is terrible, do you want to stay with him?

how about you too viva do you want to stay with your dh?

Um, YANBU? Obviously?

I can't imagine why anyone would want to partner up with someone like this, let alone have a child with them. As some other posters have pointed out, as he has a daughter he is assuming that you will be looking after her during the time period - for me that would be the crucial point. That and the secrecy - urgh, what is he .. 17? Unless it was something he'd literally just booked because of a special offer that ran out in 10 minutes and you were unavailable for discussion, and he could get the money back ... sorry but genuinely couldn't be bothered with a twat like that. Life's complicated enough!

Is there a valid reason that you are using an outdated brick of a phone and trying to make your summer clothes last through the winter while he has an expensive smart phone and thinks nothing of swanning off on ski holidays? No wonder your finances are bad if you're scrimping and saving and he's spending money like water.

He sounds controlling and manipulative. Do you have a joint bank account? If so please go and get yourself some winter clothes, Primark or peacocks can provide you with a whole winter wardrobe for not very much money.

What a tit! So he told you you needed anger management when you asked him about it? Unless you threw the phone at him or something, why did he say that? To deflect from the issue?

Obviously a holiday is more expensive than just some cheap easyjet flights.. it's not fair of him to book a "mates" holiday away without even telling you, if you're already struggling with money.

He's a father now, he has responsibilities.

Did he explain why he hadn't told you about it?

"I was left playing with DH i-phone (I only have an old brick) when my finger hit email"

hahahahahahaha!

Not looking good for either of you

No one wanted my husband to go anywhere until I got pregnant (more's the pity), now it's constant bloody offers of lads' holidays here, there and everywhere!

Unless he's secretly whisking you and your child off too and checking you can afford it then he is being unreasonable. If you're not on the breadline, seriously, buy yourself some winter clothes and have a big talk about money and the fair distribution of it in your household. I hope you can sort it out and please don't freeze! :)

"I was left playing with DH i-phone (I only have an old brick) when my finger hit email"

I think this is believable actually. If you hit the email icon on my phone it automatically brings up the last email I received. Easy to knock it by mistake as it's on the front page (homepage?? Afraid i don't know my smart phone terminology )

I would be absolutely hopping mad with my DH and he absolutely wouldn't be going. Even if it meant cancelling the ticket myself or destroying his passport.

I was be murderous and there would be consequences.

How old is your DD? Are you a SAHM? Is he the main earner? If so, I wonder if this is his way of telling you that he resents paying for everything and thinks it's 'his' money

Bloody hell.

What a dick.

Usual kneejerk reaction of leave him I see.

He should not have done that .....i would be livid too.
Dh and i have separate holidays, but the conversation goes..."i'm thinking of going ski ing with the boys/ on a spa break.....when's a good time?"
We don't ask permission, but out of courtesy discuss an appropriate time.

He is off to Oz on Christmas day, but is taking ds as well.

What a fucking twunt, not only because of the craftiness but also given your financial situation.
FIL did things like this all the time. Turned out he got them in to epic levels of debt to maintain a 10 year affair in america. Me and DP found out by accident (found some photos) and had to tell MIL. MIL has forgiven him though, she is a keep head firmly in the sand type (and probably knew deep down).
Don't let this go or the piss taking will carry right on. It's beyond disrespectful, how can he treat you like this if it is a truly loving partnership? Don't become my MIL, she is so sad now just to keep up appearances.
Disclaimer - I'm not saying your DP is having an affair BTW.

Are you going to afford a family holiday too???? Or is this going to be instead of taking his daughter and partner on holiday? Its not the sort of way you treat people you love and respect, and neither is just shutting you up when you talk to him about it.... you cant let this continue and need to have a long discussion about how you are being treated.
If he cant hear it from you then you should go to councelling with him.
You dont want your DD growing up with the example that women can be treated like that, you should be equal. do you love him, and are you generally happy and good together, or is it all a bit like this? You need to think about what needs to change, and see that the changes happen I think, take back some control. At the very least go shopping! Good luck with this?

I'd be too shocked to be livid because there is no way on God's earth dh would do this to me.

ps how does your finger 'accidentally open an email'?

Very easy on the iPhone proudnscary

The email button is on the bottom bar and the last email looked at comes up if not returned to the inbox screen.

Proudnscary I'm glad someone else was wondering this too, I can't say I've ever "accidentally" opened DP's email. I don't know his password for a start.

OP Is it possible that deep down you suspected something anyway? I'm not sure if I've become over cynical because of my FIL. But how much do you feel you can trust you DH?

Oh my. I have been off line for a while. Wow, THANK YOU EVERYONE for reassuring me in my reaction on all this.
I know there are problems here in the marriage, there were before this. I think I know the group he is going with and they are an older safer just mad for ski-ing bunch. So I have no quarms with that. I have no problem with him going. I think it is good to have own time for own hobbies and when I ski I spend most of it entwined in orange netting or starting my apres ski early! I like to go though.

EMAIL
We are not meant to have secrets but they are becoming more and more on his side, where as I naturally declare everything. I am a SAHM (so Rabbitfeet may be right)and little one has been poorly this week and we had all been using the phone to whisk through some pictures on it at tea-time, then I was randomly hitting buttons out of sheer boredom as I hadn't had much company. So I hit the met office, and bbc news, and lots of other buttons staring into space as I flicked forward and back and must have hit email (which isn't a problem for DH as he says there are no secrets!!!) and it was there as the page... not a list of emails, that actual orange and whiteness of an easyjet booking there. Thanks controlpantsandgladrags for the vote of confidence, so it caught my eye, where as I couldn't tell you now what the Paris weather forecast was because I was a bit zoned out at what I was doing after DD 3 days of D&V.

ATTITUDE
I am a Christian so I want to find ways of making marriage work and don't seek divorce as I made a commitment in front of God (though I have lost count how many times that word goes through my head this week).
I definitely don't seek revenge... though visiting friends in the US with DD did pass through my mind!

FUTURE
I may buy another jumper or some winter-weight trousers. We do have a joint bank account but I don't understand what comes in as it changes as he is self-employed. He suggested in a discussion post-findingout re. holiday that we have £200 each per month for our own interests... I don't know how much money we do have except that everytime I check we're overdrawn... I am not happy spending this. Just to add another factor, the house we live-in was the marital home of his late-wife (d.2000 cancer - a good friend of mine) so I get very fed up with the lack of change in decor etc and also his mum has just been diagnosed with cancer and undergoing chemo, so it may just be that his erratic behaviour is down to that... but there is something going on over and above me being an "angry wife", which btw I am not unless these things happen.

He has been going to counselling but won't tell me who and although agreed we should go together doesn't think we should go to the same person probably because he has told a lot of one-sided stories .

So maybe we can work things out? Maybe I should buy him a shed!