This is long but I'm ready to break.

[teacoupons]

DP is 25. When we got together he had a DS from a previous relationship who was a few months old and I had a DD from a previous relationship who was 18 months. He was a drummer. I supported him but he was unemployed, brought in no money and I provided for him for the next two years.

I fell pregnant. While I was pregnant we had a few issues with his drumming and drinking/other women he'd previously slept with around him all the time. He gave up drumming to be a family man and started taking a class in college to become an electrician for a career. He told me drumming was a pipe dream and a distant memory for him and he'd never go back as he was looking forward to our life together.

He's been lying to me for two years. Since the birth of our daughter (who's 11 months) he's been in college one full day a week, working five days a week and being at home for the rest. Tonight we go out for a few drinks to celebrate my birthday and he meets an old friend who has just been signed with his band.

I get back from the toilet and he tells me his friend is setting him up auditions and he's going to them. He wants to be a drummer. He "hates his life" but loves me and his DC's. He wants more. He wants to be in a big band and get signed to do tours without regard for me, his DC's or the lack of time he currently spends with us. He wants to take his two days off a week and drum it all away. He would give up work to drum. He wouldn't do anything for our family.

So, I find myself at a crossroads. He has lied to my face about the drumming for two years. He is adamant he's doing it and doesn't care how it affects us but wants both drumming, his job, his college and his family. He is a man child who is all about him and I am broken hearted, defeated and feel like a mug.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Please, help. AIBU to think his dream should not come before his family that he wanted and he built or am I being selfish?

Sorry, but I think you are being quite selfish. You are trying to control him.

He says he hates his life. You need to listen to him.

It is possible to fulfill your dreams AND support your family, if he is good enough.

It doesnt sound to me like he has been lying, from what you have posted. He has simply been telling you what you want to hear, and all the time he has been yearning to try and achieve his dreams.

Yes, he needs to be able to support his family too, and he should only be considering doing the gigs if they are paid.

If I understand your post correctly, he hasn't actually been pursuing drumming for 2 years, but he has been dishonest about his feelings about it, is that right? I think he's been feeling like he ought to give up drumming and trying to convince himself that he's over it but never really was. I would forgive him for that. But if I've misunderstood, apologies.

I can totally understand your being upset by the idea that he would leave you for prolonged periods to go on tour in a big band but that seems a long way of actually happening to me. I mean, he was a drummer for a long time and never actually made what you'd call a career out of it, what makes him think it's going to be any different this time?

I think it's actually harsh to try to stop him from drumming altogether if that's his passion, but equally he has a responsibility to contribute to your household and family. I think you need to find a compromise where he spends a reasonable amount of time (e.g one weekend day and one weekday evening, or whatever you can agree on) on drumming as a hobby whilst continuing to contribute financially, emotionally and functionally to your family. If he actually gets the opportunity to make money from drumming, maybe you'll have to think again. But there's a good chance that will never happen.

I never wanted to stop him drumming. Drumming for enjoyment I can understand. Spending six hours a day practising with the band, going out drinking with them after, doing gigs, going out drinking afterwards etc. It seems excessive. I've always wanted him to drum but not be what he clearly wants.

He wanted to be an electrician before me but I was the one who paid for his course while he was unemployed and sponging off his mum for alcohol and drumming so he'd actually do it and not just say he would. He was always about a career rather than a job so I felt I was doing what he wanted. Alas, I find out it isn't.

I'm supporting him all I can. I'm home looking after the children while he works and I study part time because he said someone needed to be home and he wanted to work. I've sacrificed a lot for him but it seems that no matter how much I do, I will never be good enough.

For me, the drumming isn't the problem. It's the drinking after six hours of practice then the gigs plus more drinking then tours and I'm just in limbo because I don't want to be the type of girl who doesn't allow her partner to live but I also don't want me and our children to be fourth best in his life and to, essentially be forgotten amid his dreams.

You need to talk a lot about this with each other.
His actions show what he wants, it is up to you to decide if you want to have that life. Aside from him being in a band and touring, he was deceitful for 2 years. Personally I wouldn't tolerate someone who snuck around and lied to me for 2 years. If he can't be man enough to lay the cards on the table, who needs him?

How exactly was he deceitful for two years? Just sounds to me like he spent 2 years trying really hard to be what TC wants him to be and can't do it anymore?!

TC - I wouldn't want the life that he's proposing either and we'd be having some serious conversations about how we're going to make ends meet, how the children fit into this fantasy dream and what part of having a family now does he not understand?? He needs to grow up and you both need to compromise - IMO.

I think you're trying to change who he fundamentally is.
He has been working 5 days a week plus doing a day in college, so you can't accuse him of not pulling his weight. However, he is being honest in saying that he has given this a shot for 2 years, but feels very unhappy and unfulfilled. What do you want him to do? Lie about how he feels and spend the next 40 years in a 9to 5 job which he hates, while probably lying to you and sneaking around drinking. He is very young , only 25. Stop being so controlling and talk about how you can both achieve a balance you're happy with.

It sounds like he has tried to change for you over the last 2 years and he has reached his breaking point.

Why cant you support him in his dreams as he also works to support you? My DH persues a dreamy type of job in addition to his day job and I am right behind him all the way.....when my DH has a success I feel thrilled....I want hmto have a fulfilling life....he need not be with me ALL the time...you do sound controllling.

Doesn't sound like he lied to me. Sound's like he was trying to do the right thing and it was making him unhappy.

You should support him. Wouldn't you like him to support you in your ambitions?

YABVU

support him in his dreams

if you try and stop him, he will resent you and do it anyway

YABU. He was a drummer when you met him. Why would you date and fall pg with a guy whose lifestyle you loathed?

His lifestyle wasn't bad when I met him. It was when we got together and he went overboard with things like drinking, unemployment etc that he decided he had to quit or face losing everything because of his behaviour (violent on alcohol, very flirtatious and quite disrespectful to everyone).

Supporting us? He has been supporting us for nine weeks. We have been together for three years and in the past nine weeks has brought home any money at all. Before that it was all me supporting us in everything, me having to give up university to make ends meet etc.

He's been decieving me for a long time. If he had said in the beginning that he wasn't giving up we'd have compromised then. Two years down the line and he finally is bringing money in, paying bills and being a father and it's not enough? It hurts. I wish I'd known earlier.

OP said he was lying to her for 2 years. Pretending to be at school, but actually working. Unless I read it wrong? If OP knew he was working and not attending school, then I stand corrected.

He's been lying to me for two years. Since the birth of our daughter (who's 11 months) he's been in college one full day a week, working five days a week and being at home for the rest.
It didn't occur to me that OP was referring to him yearning to be in a band again as a lie... until now. ?

I am confused. But still say you two need to talk a lot about this.

I thought when OP said he was working, that he had a "secret job" , playing in a band, while she thought he was in school.
I see now I read it wrong.
Carry on.

He's not lying.

The person he is ix X. The person you want him to be is Y. He has been trying to be Y for 2 years but fundamentally he can't stop being X.

That's the facts of it. You have to decide if X is a person you want a relationship with. There aren't any other options on the table at the moment.

Sorry, I should have been clearer. I should have also been clear about the fact that he has been working for nine weeks. Before then he couldn't be bothered to find a job but told everyone he was feverishly searching until he couldn't take any more day by day.

He has not worked for two years. He was in college five days a week for the first year which I paid for and wouldn't get a weekend or nights job in favour of having his DS on the weekends, which I can understand. It took him until nine weeks ago to find a job and I've been supporting him until now. This wasn't what I wanted him to be. This isn't what he wants to be. He has a business plan ready to start as soon as he can get some funding but he's had this idea for years and hasn't bothered to see about grants when the local office to sort these things out is a twenty minute bus journey away.

It pisses me off that I have paid £1700 so far for this course and he has not bothered to find an apprenticeship which is essential if he wants to carry on next year. He is full of excuses. I've asked him if he wants to do this or find something else and he is adamant he is doing this. I could have shelled out £1700 for nothing because if he decides drumming is the way to go, college would be out like a shot. It also pisses me off that when it suited him he couldn't go a week without seeing his DS. Now, if it suits him, he can go weeks because he's out with his mates/working and socialising after/thinking of drumming all weekend.

I know he will drink. He drinks at home alone. He can't resist finishing work and going to the pub for a few pints after work. Last night he got really drunk despite only going out a few weeks ago and routinely speaks about how he misses his old life all the while drinking copiously and passing around photos of his kids. He hasn't changed in the slightest and him and I both know this.

Yes, two threads. After I posted I thought I should post in relationships too and I knew AIBU would get traffic at 2am.

That's what I posted in Relationships to clarify a little more.

I think this is a tough one actually.

You are not wrong to be upset, and to think that the life he wants is not really compatible with a family life.

But, he is not wrong to decide, especially at only 25, that he doesn't want to give up a longtime dream.

You really only have 2 options: find a compromise, or split up.

You may want him to just give up drumming and be an electrician, but he's probably not going to do that. Is there any compromise you would accept? If not, then honestly, I would just call time now, before you get sucked into more and more years of this kind of behaviour.

But also, to say you don't mind him drumming but he can't be in a band is kind of silly. For most musicians the whole point is to play with and for other people, not just sit alone in their garage practicing.

He's not been deceiving you for the past two years - he has been deceiving himself.

He gave up drumming and went to college and told you, and himself, that that was what he wanted. He has been living the ilusion for the past two years because the alternative was losing you and his family.

But the reality is that if you are passionate about something, truely passionate then it's not something you can just turn your back on and walk away from, because it will always be a part of you.

You need to sit down and have a discussion about this and try to reach a compromise.

I'll be honest - a musician lifestyle is not one which is really condusive to family life. On tour, keeping all hours of the day and night, practicing, recording, playing gigs here there and everywhere and the inevitable socialising that goes with it.

But we're talking professional musician here, and in truth very few make it to that level.

It is possible for him to still pursue his music dreams on weekends and perhaps even some evenings without having to quit his job or spend extended periods of time away from his family.

But you need to discuss it and reach that compromise, because if you don't then tbh you might as well call it quits now, because either way one of you will end up unhappy..

He hasn't been deceiving himself. He has always known and has admitted to lying about it to my face. A lie is a lie is a lie, especially when lying is such a huge issue with us.

He has no doubt he will become a professional musician but even if he was just doing the local circuit he would live the life he wants with no consideration for anyone else.

My compromise was that he should drum but find time for us. I wouldn't like him to be in a band because of how he behaves but I can understand his need for it. I won't tolerate being fourth best to college, his job and music though. I'd expect if something were to happen for him to be here for however long we needed him. He wouldn't give up a gig if one of the children were in hospital. He's ready to give them up altogether for this and yet he "wants both". If he could find a way to fund this, time for college, time for work and time for us he should do it but it's the fact that drumming is much more important than us. He'll put the above three before us in any circumstance as I've already seen this with college and work.

"Last night he got really
drunk despite only going out a few weeks ago"

The getting drunk aside, how often do you think it is acceptable for him to go out then?

I understand the unhappyness about the level at which he drinks. I can also see why you're unhappy about the possibility of him travelling all around the country without you and the lifestyle that involves, although, despite what I said in my last post, lots of people do have jobs that take them away from their families, and if he were able to make money at it then it would essentially be no different to that.

But the comments about how "he only went out a few weeks ago" make you come across as really controlling and suffocating tbh.

You can tell him how you feel about things, but you also need to let go a bit.

Okay so he's already put drumming ahead of college and work -- has he actually put drumming ahead of his family yet? Did he actually say he wouldn't give up a gig if one of the kids were in hospital?

If you know for a fact that you would come second to drumming, and you don't want to put with that (which is entirely reasonable!) then are you prepared to leave him?

You can't change him. No matter how wrong he is being, you can't. The only thing you can control is your response to him.