This is long but I'm ready to break.

[teacoupons]

DP is 25. When we got together he had a DS from a previous relationship who was a few months old and I had a DD from a previous relationship who was 18 months. He was a drummer. I supported him but he was unemployed, brought in no money and I provided for him for the next two years.

I fell pregnant. While I was pregnant we had a few issues with his drumming and drinking/other women he'd previously slept with around him all the time. He gave up drumming to be a family man and started taking a class in college to become an electrician for a career. He told me drumming was a pipe dream and a distant memory for him and he'd never go back as he was looking forward to our life together.

He's been lying to me for two years. Since the birth of our daughter (who's 11 months) he's been in college one full day a week, working five days a week and being at home for the rest. Tonight we go out for a few drinks to celebrate my birthday and he meets an old friend who has just been signed with his band.

I get back from the toilet and he tells me his friend is setting him up auditions and he's going to them. He wants to be a drummer. He "hates his life" but loves me and his DC's. He wants more. He wants to be in a big band and get signed to do tours without regard for me, his DC's or the lack of time he currently spends with us. He wants to take his two days off a week and drum it all away. He would give up work to drum. He wouldn't do anything for our family.

So, I find myself at a crossroads. He has lied to my face about the drumming for two years. He is adamant he's doing it and doesn't care how it affects us but wants both drumming, his job, his college and his family. He is a man child who is all about him and I am broken hearted, defeated and feel like a mug.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Please, help. AIBU to think his dream should not come before his family that he wanted and he built or am I being selfish?

This is nothing to do with drumming. He is violent and has has his exes hang around, whilst you were pregnant. Trying to fix this would be like rebuilding a human, only more pointless. I would run for the hills. A violent hashhead, just what you and your two kids need.

I suggest you apply to uni, to finish your course. Just wake up in the morning and leave the kids with him and go.

If he is not prepared to do anything for you, don't do anything for him. He is bullying you. He is not respecting your opinion and insulting you when you voice your concerns.

He can't live his life as if he is single, and expect you to give up everything you wanted to do in order to sit around and wait for him
Just try and concentrate on fulfilling yourself in your own life without him, not by leaving him, but by having friends and hobbies and courses, volunteer work etc, so that when he is around he will see a confident capable woman, and you will be happy. This means your life won't depend on him, and if he feels like turning up. And if he does turn up, he may find you already have commitments so can't make time for him. If he won't give up what he wants to do with no compromise, for you then why would he expect you to do it for him.

I have a bit of experience with muscians. I have known people from teenagers who have made it really big in the music business.

The men who were supportive and loving to their girlfriends then are still lovely and supportive in their relations now. The bastards who thought because they played in a band were some sort of god, treated their partners like shit are surprise surprise in their 40s still treating women like shit. It doesn't matter how much money they have or how big they are, it is to do with their sense of entitlement and selfishness.

The fact he drinks, smokes drugs, and puts his music before his DC means he is an idiot. You know you are not being UR. You should tell him to leave.

Love is not enough. A relationship needs much more than love.

You cannot trust or rely on him. He's workshy and irresponsible. He's happy to let someone else support him and then waste the opportunities. He's violent. He won't compromise.

Why would you want to be in a relationship withsomeone like this? Why would you want your children growing up thinking this is how men should behave?

Look, he has tried hard for two years to NOT be a layabout, a drunk, who dabbles in music.

He cant take it any more.

I am not surprised that you have had enough. It is not like his drumming is a money making choice, but a lifestyle choice that will support his passion for alcohol, hanging about, gigs and shit. THIS is who he is, and who he wants to be.

I cant see how this can be easily combined with family life, so you should move on. Let him drink and drum, and complete your own education.

he hasn't tried hard for 2 years at all, he's let her support him and hasn't done what was necessary. He hasn't got an apprenticeship, he's had a job for 2 whole months which he wants to jack in to be a professional musician.

That ship sailed when he had a few kids.

TBH he sounds like a total parasite.

You have supported him financially for the past 3 years (apart from the last 9 weeks-big deal), gave up your chance of uni to allow him to get a good trade which he has now abandoned to chase some pipe dream while you keep house and raise the children (I assume you work also). Sounds like he has got a good deal, all the comforts of a family life with no input or responsibility on his part. Not to mention that he is aggressive and intimidating toward you when he has had a drink (which sounds like it is quite often).
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

It sounds like you are living pretty much as a single parent at the moment, perhaps you should stop financially supporting this waster and let him 'live his dream'.
It doesn't sound as if he is willing to change so you need to decide whether you can accept him as he is or if you want something better than sitting on the back burner waiting to be lifted and laid as he sees fit.

You wont be able to change his mind - all you can do is decide whether YOU can be happy with what he is doing.

He wants 'X', you want 'Y' there's no real middle ground between the two, he is unwilling to compromise on 'X', he expects you to give up on 'Y'. Can you do this?

I had this with Ex-P. He wanted 'X' - to go back to catering college, at great financial cost when we were barely breaking even with 4 dc, and to give up work to do so. And he wanted to take a job in catering, with all the split-shifts etc that that entailed. . I wanted 'Y' - For him to step up to being a Grown Up at 35yo, accept that Catering isn't compatible with a family with 4 dc, two of whom have SN, and a partner with a disability (me).

He refused to compromise. I told him that I couldn't carry on the relationship if he did this - I would be too unhappy. I am now a Lone Parent to my 4dc. He is trying to save up the money to go to catering college next September. He keeps moaning at me that paying maintenance is preventing him from saving up the course fees, and I am still 'controlling him' by stopping him from 'following his dream', and I should phone the CSA and cancel my claim. .

Never going to happen. Let him try. I was married to a musician for years. If you try to stop them you may as well try to cut their leg off. You can either live with it or leave. I left.

I missed the nasty stuff. Sorry. Just leave then.

Here's one interpretation of this - I could be wrong but...

The drumming is a red herring. It's not the drumming itself that's important to him, it's the 'lifestyle' that comes with it - drinking, women, hanging out with the band, hanging out in the pub, socialising, having the life of a single guy. If it was the actual drumming then he wouldn't have been able to give it up for 2 years. The two (professional) drummers I know can't physically sit still at a table without drumming. They get depressed and unhappy when they don't practice, and they practice for hours every day.

If I'm wrong and it is the drums, then you need to find a compromise or you will split up, for sure.

If I'm right then stop focusing on the drums. If someone came on here and said 'I have a DH who wants to go out 5 times a week, puts going out before us and DCs, thinks his mates are more important' - what would you say?

This is a really difficult situation OP. I do feel for you. I think it is crystal clear though that your DP knew what the "right" thing to do was...ie give up drumming and "settle down" but he didn't really want to do that deep inside. Of course he has children and must be responsible for them but apart from that I do think that you have no hope of trying to "make" him settle for a career and lifestyle that he doesn't want.

I was with a professional musician for 10 years. It was very hard indeed and I'm sad to say that in the end we parted because of exactly the reason you are discussing here. I wanted to be at home with my family, she didn't. It was painful trying to make her be the person I wanted her to be and when she finally left it was a huge relief to us both tbh. I am now with someone that is completely devoted to me and dd and we are very happy indeed.

Anyway, this is not about me. you are in a horrible situation and I do think that you have every right to be angry since you have tried really hard to support your DH by funding his course and looking after the family. However, I think that he obviously feels the need to pursue this dream and he will either go right ahead and do that or resent you for stopping him from doing that, which will be worse in the long run IMHO. See if you can talk about this and find a compromise in which he takes responsibility for his family AND drums. Good Luck.

I don't think you have done anything wrong by the way OP. I just think that inevitably he will not be able to resist pursuing this "dream" and I completely understand your frustration when you are the one looking after the kids, house, just about everything actually. When you are in your position (as I was) this sort of lifestyle seems particularly narcisstic and ridiculous! I totally get that!

It's not the lifestyle, it is the drumming. He is constantly on guitar hero trying to fill the void with some kind of music, drumming on his legs or on the table. It's in him and it's fantastic. I struggle with the lifestyle that he will inevitably be dragged in to as he is quite persuadable and weak with peer pressure. I'm 99% sure he would never cheat on me but the drinking, drugs and partying? Yeah, that's not a great environment for him. He gets violent when he's been drinking. He's in counselling and anger management and I think his drumming and weight training was his anger outlet.

I'm sorry OP, but every new post of yours makes him sound more and more problematic!

What does his counselor think about all this?

She thinks we can work through it but it takes a lot from both sides and she thinks he'll come out the other side with some harsh talking to himself.

Well you can say that about anybody. That's not terribly helpful for you is it.

No, it's not but she's allowing us to talk about our issues in a safe, confidential environment with someone who listens. It has helped immensely.

It's him. I combine music and family life successfully. Yes, there's a lot of booze about, but you just don't do it if you have to be home for the kids!

Oh, and I still have a day job. Because music, even a couple of gigs a week, barely covers the babysitter and beer, let alone bills!

From what I gather from the OP, he was a drummer before you got together. It seems it has always been his dream/desire/ambition to make a success of something he loves. Why would you want to force him away from that ?

Sounds like there could be some jealousy issues as well ("other women who he slept with previously around him all the time" - no indication that he was playing away from home only that exes are around. Or is there more to that and you haven't mentioned it ?). And why did the issues only come up when you were pregnant ?

Certainly if his drinking is out of control and he is spending no time with his family then that needs to be addressed and some compromise reached about what time he spends doing what.

But, I think it's unfair to expect him to give up on his lifelong ambition altogether.

His dream shouldn't take priority over his family but he may see a way he can successfully provide for his family whilst doing something he loves.

If there is a chance he can make a career of it, then I think you need to try to find a way of coping with it. He also needs to be aware of his other responsibilities as a DP and DF.

Ah, forget my post

I posted without reading the rest of the thread and there's obviously more to it !

he sounds like a cocklodging waste of space manchild who needs to grow the fuck up.

This.

He's an immature loser. I can't believe he's only 25 and has managed to convince 3 women already to pro-create and subsidise him, to the detriment of his own children's long term security/household stability. This manchild is never going to change.