This is long but I'm ready to break.

[teacoupons]

DP is 25. When we got together he had a DS from a previous relationship who was a few months old and I had a DD from a previous relationship who was 18 months. He was a drummer. I supported him but he was unemployed, brought in no money and I provided for him for the next two years.

I fell pregnant. While I was pregnant we had a few issues with his drumming and drinking/other women he'd previously slept with around him all the time. He gave up drumming to be a family man and started taking a class in college to become an electrician for a career. He told me drumming was a pipe dream and a distant memory for him and he'd never go back as he was looking forward to our life together.

He's been lying to me for two years. Since the birth of our daughter (who's 11 months) he's been in college one full day a week, working five days a week and being at home for the rest. Tonight we go out for a few drinks to celebrate my birthday and he meets an old friend who has just been signed with his band.

I get back from the toilet and he tells me his friend is setting him up auditions and he's going to them. He wants to be a drummer. He "hates his life" but loves me and his DC's. He wants more. He wants to be in a big band and get signed to do tours without regard for me, his DC's or the lack of time he currently spends with us. He wants to take his two days off a week and drum it all away. He would give up work to drum. He wouldn't do anything for our family.

So, I find myself at a crossroads. He has lied to my face about the drumming for two years. He is adamant he's doing it and doesn't care how it affects us but wants both drumming, his job, his college and his family. He is a man child who is all about him and I am broken hearted, defeated and feel like a mug.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Please, help. AIBU to think his dream should not come before his family that he wanted and he built or am I being selfish?

but you said he didn't want a job and only got one nine weeks ago and now you're saying he puts his job ahead of you all? I'm

And of course he lied to you, because the alternative is to admit how unhappy he is. Would you rather that?

Clearly he has been putting you first by giving up something which he is passionate about and telling you that he no longer wants it, in order to make you happy.

I think you want it all without compromise tbh.

You got together with a drummer. You knew he was a drummer. You had a child with a drummer. Yes he gave up the drumming because of circumstance but this is who he was when you got together. You can't decide now that he should change because you're not happy with who he was.

wannabe i was just about to comment on that very comment you refer to ^

'Last night he got really drunk despite only going out a few weeks ago'

Dear god, he goes out every few weeks? so what? DH and I encourage eachother to have a night out every now and again, it is good for our marriage and family life (and yes we have a DS and no local family support). (DH is out tonight, i can bet he will come in steaming )

You do sound controlling and I am sorry to say that if you dont compromise and cut him some slack you are going to lose him. Agreed he needs to compromise too but lets face it - do you really think he is going to be the next Dave Grohl?

teacoupons, I think this is a difficult one. I'll tell you what happened to me with my "drummer". I too met him when he was 25. He really, really, really wanted to be a drummer (or any sort of musician really). He was gigging several nights a week and it was obvious that this dream was as important to him, if not more, than personal relationships. That's not to say that he didn't want a personal relationship AS WELL as having the dream and the lifestyle.

He was 25 in 1999; so what's the situation in 2011? I live with our child who is 7 years old. I am a single parent. The drummer who is now 35 is a secondary school music teacher with a very responsible job. He wears a suit and tie to work every day and earns a fortune and works very hard. He also has a band as a "hobby" and gigs with that band. He is married to someone else. (We all get on reasonably well.)

My advice is based on what happened to me. It is possible your drummer has to work through all the being a drummer dream thing and come out the other side (as my drummer did). If you think he will one day "settle down" then you may want to support him and stick with him and see what happens when he has had enough. If you've really got lots and lots in common and relationship has been really good then perhaps this is the right thing to do.

Personally I couldn't do this with my drummer. I couldn't take the many, many evenings alone when he was out gigging. I couldn't take the uncertainty of wondering what he was really getting up to! I wasn't generous enough to support him while he tried to achieve that dream. I was not optimistic about the future and what would happen to us if we continued to live with these circumstances. It was too bl**dy difficult. We tried to make it work after we had our child but it really didn't. We are both better parents and better people now.

Fundamentally my ex-drummer has not changed his spots as he still wants it all (eg, career, band/music, relationship, child). Friends I speak to say this is normal and he is JUST BEING A NORMAL MAN...

Hope my experience is in some way helpful. It's not offering much hope for you I'm afraid.... very sorry about that.

Is there more to this? Do you have a dream you wish you had followed? Genuinely curious, as i think there may be some envy here..

sugarbabylove that was a really insightful post. from what i have gleaned from your experience, things seemed to work out well for all of you it also shows that it is a 'thing' that he will grow out of eventually maybe

That's a very moving post Sugar.

I was just thinking, my stepdad was a musician when he met my mum. He got a proper job after they married, and they've been married now 30 years. But he's always done weekend gigs, even played some at my school when I was little. Now he's retired and playing all the time.

So it can potentially work. The difference is that my stepdad would not have put playing before family, and he didn't really drink or party that much. You have to be very clear-eyed about what life would be like if he does this.

wow op you are harsh. he has tried for two years to be what you want going to college etc. but it is making him miserable drumming is obviously his passion. can you ask him to give this up? yes obviously there would have to be compromises like he continues to work while trying etc. but if its what he loves to do wouldnt you rather he was happy.

Hmm, a touch situation OP. Your DP is young, still wants to follow his dreams etc. Which is great. We need dreamers and people who strive to be something different.

But, he has 2 young children who he is responsible for. The old-fashioned in my says he should step up to that responsibility and find a secure job, just as you are doing (rather than pursuing your dream of being a writer/astronaut etc). If he really wanted to put his whole heart into being a drummer, he should not have conceived two children quite so young. His choice, he has to live with it. That's not to say he can't still be a drummer but it may mean compromises such as doing it in his spare time until it earns him a decent living.

But, again, you can't control him. Much as it would be nice for him to realise his responsibilities, I don't think you can force them on him. If he isn't willing to step up then sadly you have to take the hard decision of whether you can live with him as he is or whether it is time to move on and forge a new life for you and your children.

It sounds like he is going to put himself first, regardless of the fact that he has a child to support. Men, IMHO, find it easier to do this than women for obvious reasons. Its possible that he did not lie to you but actually believed his statement to be true at the time he made it.

You may find yourself separated and applying for child support. He may end up chasing the dream, until he gives up on it because he's fed up of struggling financially or working/earning sporadically. Either way things are going to be financially very tricky, why does he not see this as a massive reason not to chase his dream ?

This is one of the reasons why I would make child support a cumulative debt.

If child support was a cumulative amount with a national minimum level that keeps accumlating as a debt whilst he is not earning then when he gets that big break you get all the arrears of child support and he can't bum around under declaring his earnings until the kids are over 18. The unpaid child support debt remains payable to you even after the kids have left home, until it is settled in full as you would have made sacrifices along the way, not had money to save for retirement etc etc. Ditto if he eventually goes back to plumbing, he should be liable for arrears of child support accumulated during his chasing the dream years. Factoring this in might make potentially absent parents act differently/more responsibly.

I'm not sure why the OP's getting a hard time. Or why she has to do what some respondents have done or feel what they feel, in similar stuations. She's her own self, in her own situation.

OP, what would you like to do/have happen, so that your family could function + no-one feel like they are being left behind?

Being a professional musician necessarily invovles unsociable hours - but so do many professions (shift workers, the armed forces, oil rig workers etc), and there are loads of MNs on here with OHs who regularly work away who have happy family lives - its just not your idea of a happy fmaily life, seems to be the problem.

I think its very unfair that you should expect him to give up his hopes and dreams to suit your idealised view of how you want family life to be

He's 25, has 2 children by 2 women, long term unemployed, got you to pay for his course which he can't be arsed to finish by finding an apprenticeship...he is violent when drunk, hangs out with exes and is flirtatious, and lies to you.

Yeah, what a catch. You should definitely support him to be a rock star

Thanks.

He hasn't been "lying" to you. It sounds like he buried the dream and tried to do the right thing. He has now realised that it is still a burning ambition and has been truthful that he has reached this conclusion.

It is a desperate feeling to have such a passion and not be able to fulfill it, even chase it relentlessly. I am an actor and if I couldn't act I would totally despair.

It is totally understandable that you feel aggrieved that you have supported him financially for a long time.

However, is there a compromise? You say it's not the drumming per se, but the drinking afterwards etc. Can he agree to persue the dream with you behind him but understand that he MUST be fair to you and his family? Move heaven and earth to accomodate family life alongside his passion? As someone else does, if it is really important to him he will do it anyway. But if you absolutely insist he can't, then he will eventually have resentment.

That's similar what I thought, Changey, and I wondered why OP should be made to feel bad about not finding this quite satisfactory.

Sugar, that was amazing. I want to stick by him but I don't feel that I can give all that he wants from me.

My dream is to support us no matter what. Sure, I have pipe dreams but nothing that I would put before the welfare of my nearest and dearest. No envy here, just disappointment, I guess.

He actually said that drumming comes before all. He said if the children needed anything I could cope and he'd be there "when he could". He has made it spectacularly clear that he wants both but none of the responsibility.

I understand that he is having a hard time. I don't understand why we are worse off.

FWIW, he put his drumming before my DD who he treats as his own and is the legal parent of and me who was heavily pregnant and contracting while his DSS was running a fever. He said he would be home at 11pm. He strolled in at 4am off his tits on weed and alcohol after drumming.

So he wants x, you want y and x & y are incompatible.

You can't stop him from following his dreams but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship with him and support him, he can't have it all either. I'd leave him and find someone else. Just make sure he pays child support.

I tried to speak to him this morning about a compromise. If I had it my way he wouldn't drum properly so I was prepared to compromise that as long as we were important and he didn't cheat and spent time with us, I'd support him all the way. This, apparently, turns me into a bad mother, I want everything my way, this isn't a compromise and he'll stick with his original plan.

Hmm .

Oh gosh that's bad.

If he can't be a responsible parent and partner, I don't really see the point of staying with him, especially as you would have to support him.

I love him. I love him for who he is, flaws and all. We are supposed to be getting married and I know he loves his DC and me so I don't understand why he is acting like this. If he left he'd see the error of his ways after a few months of 'freedom'. I can understand a rut but our sex life is healthy as is our relationship, I think his life just feels stagnant.

I'm not sure whether to tell him to buck up or get out or let him roll with it and make his own mistakes. Would I be a mug to let him fall back on me if and when it all doesn't go to plan? I'd be hurting about it all but I'd cope. I'm strong.

I don't condone cheating though. If I found out he'd cheated there'd be no option for me but to leave him.

have i missed something? where did the OP say he was violent?

He is violent. He gets violent on alcohol and has shouted at me, threatened me and pushed me on occasion. He hasn't in some time now though.

Well fair enough if you've offered a compromise. I guess it's up to him now, what a confusing situation for you, especially as you say the other areas of your life together are great etc.

Would you be a mug? I don't know, you love him and if you still want to be with him if he does fall flat then, no.

I'd be tempted to be quite blasé about it now. Seemingly not bothered whether he does persue the dream or not. Personally I think he's mightily confused, wants it all and is lashing out at you out of frustration. Hurting the one you love.

Eitherway, I hope you get the result that's right for you. You sound as if you've done all you can. Been supportive, offered compromise.

hmm not good. i still think some aspects of your relationship with him are controlling but the threatening behaviour and pushing around is a complete no no (esp with LO's)