new thread. AIBU to feel like a married single mum? DH convinced me this was nirmal

[fulllife]

i started new thread as i am hearing lots of MNers saying their partners are doing 50-50 with them.
mine, not so much.
comes home at 19, then takes DD (4 m) until bath time at 19.45.
i slept first two months on couch to let DH sleep better at nights, am still the only one to feed, bed, do nights.
on weekends DH has her for 2 maybe 3 hrs , apart from that farms her out to IL.
other friends report similar behaviour and in fact DH thinks he is one of the involved ones...

how does this work in ur partnership?
i sometimes think that single mums arent missing out on so much as most men are so little help anyway...

Some of us ARE single mums ( or lone parents if you prefer to be pc) and might find your sweeping statement rather offensive

Aw honey, You need to take it in turns
So you get a lie in Saturday
He gets a lie in Sunday
Don't get whats offensive about your post at all

blimey - try being on your own 24/7 - then you might have an idea

and I have 3!

It's not meant offensively, but I have seen threads like this before where single parents quite understandably react to what can sometimes be seen as a bit flippant "I do nearly everything, so I might as well be on my own." It's not the same at all.

What do youu mean "has her" on weekends...do you not go out as a family?

Also, he should do a night feed in my opinion...on the weekend he could. And farming her to Inlaws is fine if you're ok with it! Why dont you use that time for couple type things?

We share things out pretty evenly as far as kids are concerned;
We have 3 DCs (4.5y, 3y and 9m). 9m is BFing at 5am, 7pm and 10pm (won't take the bottle so up to me only).

We both get DCs dressed in the morning, then DH takes them downstairs for breakfast while I have a shower and do a quick tidy upstairs. He leaves for work at half seven but is home most days by half five/six pm. We then eat together with the kids, and he takes all three up for a bath/storytime about half six, and I'll go up and take baby for 7pm feed while he finishes storytime with the other two. I clean and tidy up during the day, but sometimes it's a tip by bedtime, so we all (kids, DH and me) do a blitz before supper, and DH does the washing up from supper last thing at night.

During the night I'll go the baby and DH goes to the kids.

At weekends, we both try to give each other an extra hour or two in bed at some point, or take the kids off somewhere for an hour or so. We also make sure we do stuff together as a family. Pretty happy balance.

He has her for 2-3 hours on a weekend? That's more than I ever got. We had no IL for babysitting either, so it all fell to me until I went back to work at 6 months old. Not a minute off.

In my experience, blokes tend not to look after babies that much. They get a bit more involved once they hit toddler stage.

not trying to offend anyone. just shocked at how automatically some men seem to fall back into hands off default once there are kids, men that would, u know, cook, clean, wash and are proud of ambitious GFs .

gordy, just spent a few days 24/7 as DH abroad. not much of a difference to my everyday operation. must say:(

Fulllife, I've read both of your threads and I'm sorry you're feeling a bit alone in all this. I have in the past felt like you, but now (DD, my first baby, nearly 6 months) things are much better, as I am feeling able to relinquish a bit more care of her to DP without panicking.

Are you sure you are allowing your husband to take a full and active role in her care? I don't mean to be patronising, but my DP had to point out to me at around the 3 month mark that I wasn't actually allowing him to help. Have you spoken to your DP about what he could do differently.

And in answer to your first question, it is not unreasonable to want to go back to work, I'm glad you've found a great nanny, but don't go back to work purely in order to find a good childcare balance with your DP.

Did your DH ask you to sleep on the couch?

If he did, that's outrageous. If you just decided that you'd rather be a martyr than risk him being grumpy, you need to get your game face on and start treating him as if he deserves to be a 50% parent.

Don't get me wrong, it does sound like a struggle and it will be fist-jawingly annoying when your dc is a couple of years older and your dh is the most adoring dad and gets loads of worship for it (I can almost guarantee it will happen) when he's fairly rubbish at the baby stage.

Start stating what you would like to happen and what you feel about it. If he responds that other people are even less involved, don't get into that - and don't use us as backup for your needs - say what YOU need to happen, not what some notionally average family does in a notionally average world.

rag doll well shes only 4 m so at this stage maybe more couple stuff. but no. we are at IL hanging around. not sure i could leave her there so young actually. so its pretty wasted time...

I think one of the most stressful things about becoming a parent is getting a balance that you can live with regarding childcare, housework etc, It can cause so much resentment. It really can be a minefield.

handmini hmmm maybe im also a bit at fault as i have super strong bond with DD and shell always be staring and smiling at me across the room even when someone else is with her, i am so lucky. but its not like hes been trying to wrestle her from me iykwim. believe me, i tried to relinquish putting her to bed but he just thought that was totally unreasonable.

My post looks a bit like I'm boasting but it's not supposed to be like that, but it does show it's possible to share. I think handmini has a good point - I disctinctly remember DH not being as 'efficient' with DD1 (changing nappy/getting her dressed/fed etc) at first, so I'd just do it myself and then resent him for it. It's taken time to get us both to where we are now.

yeh try doing it for 2 years

if you are not happy TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND - at least he is there NOW so you can!

sorry not trying to have a comp with you but 2 days - you have not a scooby what it's like to be a single parent

joan: no, it just made more sense to me, at the time. also he gave me dirty looks when she was feeding off me noisily in bed .
thing is we have been warring constantly for three month and only have some peace now cause all our friends told me they had it worse. one friends husband even gets home after bedtime only during week! thats when i got my postnatal depression i think, when i realized that thats how it was gonna be.
not sure if i even have the energy to open up all that again with him...

YANBU OP - I remember feeling exactly as you do and had no IL's or parents on hand either. I often used to joke that I was a single parent without the money troubles. Will add the caveat that DH was working incredibly long hours when the dc were small though. FWIW I moved into the baby's room for the first six to eight weeks too so that DH would have minimally disturbed nights. Dons hard hat and flak jacket to fend off flaming.

Oh yes, on occasion when DH has been travelling a lot and others have said "ooh that's so hard, that's so unfair on you" I know the truth - it's one less to look after

gordy: if i continue arguing with my husband about this maybe ill be a single mum for real soon... oh, the irony...

not argue TALK - discuss

marriedinwhite:yes! im not the only sucker

When you go to your inlaws with him, there is nothing makin you stay there...why don't you go out somewhere? To a mates house? Shops? ANywhere...I used to do that when my DD1 was only small...leave DH with her at his Mums house. Take your chances when you can....

I actually found living with an uninvolved husband/parent far more difficult than being a lone parent. XH rarely did any bedtime/bathtime/feeding stuff, let alone taking ds1 for a few hours here and there. He did play with him sometimes but mostly would just undermine what I was trying to do. Lone parenthood was tough, no doubt about that, but at least I didn't have someone undermining me and making more work.

However. I am now married to a man who gets up with ds2 every morning ( I am a troubled sleeper so this is a godsend to me), got up at nights when ds2 was tiny, even though he works long hours, plays with ds2, backs me up in every way, helps ds1 with homework- basically is a great husband and father. He will even bath ds2 if I ask (and he really hates doing bathtime ).

The difference is incredible. A man who is prepared to be a man and views his relationships with his wife/partner and his children as more important than anything and therefore worthy of his time and attention is the best thing ever, imo.

Mind you, having had the other sort, I wouldn't tolerate anything less, tbh.

run off the mill:

me at end off day tether
him doing something annoying like going too poop for ages on my 45 min daily brake
me snaps
him youre a monster, you are unbelievable, what a psycho
me stonewalls internally goes to bed insulted NOT hugging NOT engaging
fast forward deterioration of relationship loss of common ground DIVORCE

I swither on this one tbh. I find it far easier in many ways being a LP, I don't feel so much that crushing resentment of him not doing anything (I do some extent, but I have accepted that the day to day grind is mine alone which I never would while we were still supposedly parenting together), I don't have that feeling of having to look after him as well as the children. That said, being a LP is lonely, it is hard, there is no one ever to support you in the way a partner should, no one to bounce ideas off, no one to share in your pride in your children in the same way. What you describe is nothing at all like being a LP, what he's doing is pitifully little but it's something, more than you'd get alone. I'd rather be a LP than be in the relationship I was in with their father, but I'd far rather be in a good, healthy, 50/50 relationship with a partner than be a LP.