new thread. AIBU to feel like a married single mum? DH convinced me this was nirmal

[fulllife]

i started new thread as i am hearing lots of MNers saying their partners are doing 50-50 with them.
mine, not so much.
comes home at 19, then takes DD (4 m) until bath time at 19.45.
i slept first two months on couch to let DH sleep better at nights, am still the only one to feed, bed, do nights.
on weekends DH has her for 2 maybe 3 hrs , apart from that farms her out to IL.
other friends report similar behaviour and in fact DH thinks he is one of the involved ones...

how does this work in ur partnership?
i sometimes think that single mums arent missing out on so much as most men are so little help anyway...

Well said TheFrogs.

I agree with you, Frogs, as a lone parent myself; but what resonated with me was the OP's comments about [some] men going to a default mode when a baby arrives after having once been so proud of their ambitious girlfriend.

I think its just another one of those things....unless you've been in that position you cant imagine what its like.

I think people really underestimate the emotional strain of it too, knowing that should the shit hit the fan in any way there is noone there. I'm responsible for every decision to be made with my two although ds's dad does see him. Education, health, awkward questions, bullying, teenage angst...yep, all mine to deal with

Sometimes in a marriage, it feels like its you who has to make the decisions. I only ever got told to do what i thought was best, cos he was to busy with steve. At least my son no longer has to see all the aggression and hear the fights. It is harder, but now my money is now my own and not the pubs, so things do look up. Its not eas being a single mum. My mum was a single mum, and when i say single i mean, absolutely no support, not even financially as my dad died when i was 15months old. We think we have it hard, but when i look at my mum, i know i have it easy. My dad died on halloween and my grandad died just 24 days later. My mum then had no idea funeral, as i see now, she had me as a baby and my sister at 6years old, who would have known what was going on. Sometimes i think we all moan too much, we should be grateful for all the things we have and not the things that we dont. Just a thought. Hope no one is offended. x

mrsples I did say with exception to those whose ex's have no contact or very little. If your ex has your DCs everyother weekend, you have every other weekend off, no? Love a weekend off but as a married mum don't get the opportunity.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time on here and I think the married v single mother debate is a bit of a tangent.

I didn't read the OP's post as saying she's effectively a single parent. I read it as saying "maybe being a single parent wouldn't be so bad if the alternative is a 'D'H who's never there, doesn't help out and a marriage characterised by resentment."

I think that's a situation that many single parents can identify with at the point where they were just about to become single parents.

I'm a single parent with NO help from the X and no family to help out either. I've had to look after 2-year-old twins with D&V while throwing up into a bucket myself because there was no one else there to do it. I've been there and got the T-shirt.

I still feel the OP has a valid point. My life as a single parent is easier than when I was living with a man who took for granted that I would take care of everything. I may be responsible for everything but at least I'm not being let down constantly, being given false hope of help, and living life with resentment simmering constantly beneath the surface instead of being able to celebrate in the joy of the new life we created. I'm proud of my independence and self-reliance, instead of feeling that there is something wrong with me if my partner clearly thinks I'm worth so little that the fact that I am exhausted is not important enough to want to change. At least I'm not having to take care of all the invisible housework (like is there milk in the fridge for his coffee in the morning) and still be expected to be up for sex or be accused of pushing him away.

OP I sympathise. Even if your DH feels he is one of the more involved ones, it doesn't matter. He's either pulling his weight or he isn't. If he isn't it's irrelevant that he's doing more than some bloke down the road who's doing even less.

My DH arrives home and has about half an hour with kids before they go to bed. He commutes far - so i do all Sunday and weekday night wakes. He will then do any Friday and Saturday night wakes - with us both having one weekend lie in each. He also baby sits sleeping kids two week day nights and once during the day at the weekend while I go to the gym.

starryeyed1, having childfree time actually makes little difference.

The kids aren't physically there but the single life doesn't magically disappear. The bills that you have sole responsibility for still have to be paid, the housework that they have created still needs doing, the DIY still needs doing, same with the cooking, and the shopping. When the kids come back, any ongoing problems wont have gone away. Any worries will still be there, any health problems will still be there. Basically everything you have to deal with on your own, you'll still have to deal with on your own.

On a very rare totally childfree night I sit here alone and bored, as I do every night. I'm not whinging, that's just the way it is.

Now...if someone would say, send Brad Pitt around to help me with all of the above on a childfree weekend, it might be a break worth having

Starry - the point I was making is that actually the majority of posters who appear on threads like these saying "er no, that's nothing like being a single parent" are the ones who really are lps in the strictest sense (IE no ex contact).

I don't think I've ever seen any of the lps who have regular ex-child weekend contact moaning about how hard it is, and think you're making an incorrect assumption.

Please don't throw use the term single parent when you are married. As a single parent I completely provide financially for my two children, I do all the housework, all the chores, all the work outside and inside the home. I do this if I am ill, or sick. I have all the worry, all the responsibility and fears about what would happen if I died. Even if I had a husband who didn't lift a finger around the house, or with the children, he would (at least) be paying half the mortgage and bills etc. Unless you were married to someone who did not work inside or outside the house.. and I've only met one person like that.

i with the OP on this one. I was a single parent with my DC1 for the first 5 years, and XP had nothing to do with DC1 (he moved abroad deliberately to avoid CSA) . I had to do everything for myself. Now i have had DC2 with my DP and to be honest as much as i love him i find it extremely frustrating at his lack of help with the house and children. I am left to do everything. In his defense he works a full time job mon - fri and then often works at the weekend. I cant fault his work ethic to financially provide for his family. But i do feel like a single married mum and i understand where the OP is coming from.

starry eyed I am a lp to 4 dc children. My eldest 2's Dad takes them 1 night a week (work permitting) but there is no one to take the youngest two even though their dad still sees them a couple of hours a week as he lives in a shared house and works 40-50 hours a week.

I find your 'lp have every other weekend off no?' comment a little bit insulting. My youngest two are with me all the time, no break, no grandparents to help either. In fact most lp I know DONT have the every other weekend scenario, its more as and when and often never!

I am a Lone parent to 4 dc. While they ALL see their fathers at different times - my eldest dc's dad (DD's dad) lives 600 miles away and only sees her in school holidays - it took him 13 years to start doing that though, so I had NO break from DD for 13 years. AND though DS2 and DS3 have the same dad - he has 8yo DS2 every other weekend, but NEVER has 9mo DS3 without ME PRESENT. So, actually, I haven't had a totally child-free day in 13 years.

Yet being a Lone parent is STILL easier than it was when I was in my shitty relationship with Ex-P not pulling his weight, because I now have NO expectation that he will do any of the work. Shattered expectations of an even split in childcare and parenting are much MUCH worse than KNOWING it is all down to you.

So to all you other Lone parents out there moaning about the OP - I actually feel MORE sorry for her than I do for you, because I KNOW how much worse I felt when I was in the OP's situation. I feel sooooooo much better now I am on my own!

Some people find it much easier being a lone parent than including a grown up manchild in their caring responsibilities. Being a good old lesbian I don't have this gender bollocks to deal with, but in either case I never understand why the parameters are not agreed before pregnancy is embarked upon - or at least before the baby is born.
Are these conversations not happening? Or are people relying on telepathy to sort out what would be for me, pretty fundamental "agreements" on how the childrearing is to be shared.
I imagine it is very lonely being married but feeling the responsibilities as if you were single.

And I reckon if you totted it up over the years, DP and I have split just about everything 50/50. Bt it doesn't always look like that on a daily or weekly basis.

I think the biggest concern about being a true single parent is having to cope financially. Nothing is harder than that, especially for those whose exes contribute nothing. I am lucky that I can provide for ds. For many years his father paid £50/month, then nothing and now £200/month. It is a drop in the ocean. I would love to have a person contributing to the household finances even if that still meant me doing everything where childcare is concerned. I'm rather at these poor me I'm a single married mum comments.

YABU. The hard part of being a LP is not looking after your DC, it is being responsible 24/7 and having noone to share the decisions with. I agree with all who said you have no idea what you're on about. Lots of women find it easier without a man-child to create more work, but a lot also feel burdened by the responisibilty of being the only adult.

Everyone's relationship is different but the idea of a married single mum is laughable and insulting.

Your DH comes home from work and cracks on with bedtime. What would you like him to do instead? He fobs off your DC to IL's? Where are you when this is happening. I do understand where you're coming from OP but you are able to speak for yourself. Explain you want a level playing field relationship - equal free time, family time and work time. It is not that hard for another adult to get their head around that concept if you address it in an adult way.

We should all feel blessed that we have healthy children, and dont need to deal with looking after children with a long term illness such as donwes syndrome or cerebal palsy. Life is a b, and sometimes things dont work out the way you want them to, you just have to move on and cope in the best way you know how. I suppose technically there are married single mums out there as you cant get a divorce for at least two years after being seperated or thats what i've found online anyway. Count your blessings, you arent homeless ( i have been, literally, three times (and only 23). and you chould be grateful that you are able to look after your children, there are so many people out there that arent able to look after their chidlren beccuase of ill helath. x