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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

new thread. AIBU to feel like a married single mum? DH convinced me this was nirmal

68 replies

fulllife · 16/11/2011 21:18

i started new thread as i am hearing lots of MNers saying their partners are doing 50-50 with them.
mine, not so much.
comes home at 19, then takes DD (4 m) until bath time at 19.45.
i slept first two months on couch to let DH sleep better at nights, am still the only one to feed, bed, do nights.
on weekends DH has her for 2 maybe 3 hrs , apart from that farms her out to IL.
other friends report similar behaviour and in fact DH thinks he is one of the involved ones...

how does this work in ur partnership?
i sometimes think that single mums arent missing out on so much as most men are so little help anyway...

OP posts:

hairylights · 16/11/2011 21:53

I'm presuming you aren't working outside the home?

If he is then 50/50 is not practical.

But he should be sharing out free time more equally.

TheSkiingGardener · 16/11/2011 21:54

Ok, you and your DH and your DC are a team.

The objective is to get everyone's primary needs met then as many secondary needs as possible, equally shared between you.

Is that what is happening? If not, who is being a bloodsucking parasite and/or who is being a martyr? It sounds malicious when I put it like that, it probably isn't happening for malicious motives but the outcome is harmful.

joanofarchitrave · 16/11/2011 21:57

God that sounds awful. Don't know where to begin with this. It sounds as if you are both at the end of your tethers and that's the best thing I can say about him.

Can you import some inlaws too? What about your mum coming over to do bedtime every now and then, preferably primed to say lots of nice things to you, like how EXHAUSTED you look and are you getting any lie-ins at all?

gordyslovesheep · 16/11/2011 21:58

get help then - go to relate

problems often stem from peoples inability to m ind read - unless you actually vocalise the issues calmly and reasonably you wont get anywhere

does he KNOW that you would like him to do baths or get up one morning a week - have you let him? If he does baths do you interfere and take over because he 'does it wrong'

if you both carry on being hostile, passive agressive and stubbon then yes - you may well be a lone parent - do then come back and let us know how it's the same thing x

ThePerfectFather · 16/11/2011 22:40

Just an alternative view - my wife works and I do most of the bringing up. She is hands off a lot of the time and rarely if ever looks after our DD without me.

It's not just men. Please don't think it is. I honestly think if it's not your "day job" so to speak, it's the human reaction to see a hard, emotionally draining job as something to avoid. Yes, they're your kids and you love them but look what everyone here is saying "I NEED A BREAK IT'S YOUR TURN".

That doesn't mean we don't love our kids more than anything in the World. It means we're people who want a break from a very tedious, madenning job. It's a natural reaction for partners of either sex to dodge that bullet if they are allowed.

starryeyed1 · 16/11/2011 22:42

Offensive, blah, blah, blah. OP obviously didn't mean it this way.

OP. He does need to do his share, prehaps not 50/50 but whatever works for you. Lie ins, one sat, one sunday?

FWIW those who are actually single parents and are offended, unless your ex doesn't have regular contact, don't you get everyother weekend off? Thats what gets me about moaning its all on you. Most parents in a relationship get very few childfree weekends. I've not had one for 3 years.

gordyslovesheep · 16/11/2011 22:44

wind your neck in - no one is the slightest bit offended - just pointing out it's not the same and trying to persuade the OP to work things out with her husband :)

starryeyed1 · 16/11/2011 22:46

Glad to hear it gordy.

starryeyed1 · 16/11/2011 22:47

OP, what about deciding what you want him to do and sitting down with him and asking him to do x,y,z.

marriedinwhite · 16/11/2011 22:50

OP I sympathise with you. I always wanted to do it because he was contributing in other ways. We never rowed. The two of you need to get some help. Very sad for how you are feeling.

barelyutterly · 16/11/2011 23:03

What theskiinggardener said.

Fwiw I do think if you're bfing there is a period of time early in the child's life where it just needs the mother more than the father. And as a bfing mother myself (DD is 5 months old) there are times (like bedtime) when only I will do, much to the helpless chagrin of DH.

But, this has gradually been improving pretty much since she was born. I found that I could get away for some "me" time pretty much an hour for every month of her life. So where I couldn't leave her for more than an hour or two at the start, now I can spend half the day doing my thing and leave them to it (with bottles of expressed milk ready to go).

My DH is only too happy to spend most of Saturday with her while I'm off doing my hobby, and I do likewise on Sunday for him. He works from home 2 days a week which allows me ~90 min on each of those days to do whatever I need to do without her (appts, a workout, a nap) and I'm SAHM the rest of the time. I actually think that it's having these little breaks away from her that make me a better mother for the time I spend with her.

So long story short OP you need to have a talk with your DP. Resentment is not good, and you need to get this ironed out sooner rather than later. Whether your situation is "normal' or not isn't really the question here, it's more about whether you're willing to put up with it, or work it out with your DP so that you both contribute equally and get what you need.

chocablock · 16/11/2011 23:22

I don't think the fact that your dh doesn't help with the dc's more makes you like a single mum as it must be so hard to be a single mum in lots of other ways. My dh doesn't feed or change nappies for our 7 month old dd but I actually like it that way as I like doing things for her myself while she is so young. I might feel differently if/when we have more dc's!!

heleninahandcart · 16/11/2011 23:29

I'm sorry you are having a hard time but believe me you do loose some credibility by comparing yourself to a single parent. Unless you have been a single parent and deal with everything, house, breakdowns, DC, schools, work, childcare, finances, taxi service

You have no idea

You get told this up thread and still insist because you once had DC for 24/7 for a few days.

You absolutely have no idea

naturalbaby · 17/11/2011 21:16

you are having problems with your relationship, in particular: communication. you and your dh have different ideas and expectations and you're not communicating properly. having a baby is hard work. very, very hard work. it's not a competition and you don't get a medal because you've done more with the baby than your dh.

a baby at 4months can be a nightmare with sleep regression, i thought ds1 had something seriously wrong with him at this age because i just couldn't get anything sorted or right. just when you think things are settling down, it goes downhill.
talk to your dh - don't accuse, blame, or call each other names. don't turn it into a competition over who works hardest and who deserves what. talk about how you feel and what you want and how you are going to achieve it together.

notmyproblem · 17/11/2011 21:20

Is this your DP, OP?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1345525-wife-thinks-I-can-help-more-and-very-angry-with-me?msgid=28534285#28534285

girliefriend · 17/11/2011 21:24

AIBU to get mightly pissed off with smug marrieds feeling hard done to?!

You are in no way a single parent (I am so I would know!)

Get

Grip

IneedAbetterNickname · 17/11/2011 21:30

This is partly true, at least ime. When I was a single Mum, I had most Sundays to myself, and maybe one Sat night a month. Now me and DCs Dad are back together, 'dating' not living togther atm, I get LESS time childfree, as Sundays are normally 'family day'. Not that I'm complaining before anyone thinks I am, I prefer it this way!

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 17/11/2011 21:32

Erm, actually starryeyed1 there are quite a few of us lps on here who do not have an ex in the picture and have sole responsibility for our children 24/7 365 days a year...

girliefriend · 17/11/2011 21:33

No my dd has no contact with her father, we get no financial support from him. I am a totally 100% single parent.

EllenandBump · 17/11/2011 21:34

I now am a single parent., but happier for it. He was useless, only fit to sit in the pub, demand dinner and get off his face on coke. I left him cos he was so abusive and i wont ever look back. It felt like he was married to steve(his dealer) and that i was always bottom of the list. He even said once that he didnt know if our son even knew who he was. He would drop me off at chrissys by about 8 in the morning and pick me up at 8pm at the earliest, somtimes it wasnt until 1 am, so bump was always asleep, i now dont have to worry about what i need to sell or lies i need to tell to be able to get money to be able to feed my son. Its a relief not to live in fear, although i am now homeless and living back at mums. We all need to bear in mind that there are plenty of other people out there in worse situations. And yes he should be pulling his weight, its not fair, but you are strong enough to cope alone if you have to. Dont be scared to be alone. x

IneedAbetterNickname · 17/11/2011 21:41

Ellen Well done for getting you and your DS out of that situation! I hope everything works out well in your future :)

EllenandBump · 17/11/2011 21:44

Thank you. x

difficulttimes · 17/11/2011 22:04

This may be controversial be warned:

I think being a married single mother is worse than actually being a single mother.
MSM are often far more burdened with their husbands selfish needs and behaviour aswell as being a lone parent. Sometimes being married can be the lonliest you'll ever be.

Loulabelle83 · 17/11/2011 22:29

There is certainly not a 50/50 split in my household. It used to frustrate me immensely when he would sleep through our daughters cries during the night. I did every night feed (weekend or not). Then he would say in the morning "how many times did she wake last night?" arghhh. A friend of mine told me that men are not as tuned in to every little noise like mothers are, so I sort of accepted this. My partner has a lie in on both Saturday & Sunday! I have not had one in 5 months, and it is very frustrating. He has got a lot better recently as she has become more interactive. I often feel I am doing this alone, so I know how you feel, but on the same count, I can't imagine how hard it must be for the mums on their own. My boyfriend may not be the most "hands on" father, but he goes to work everyday to bring home the money. He is also there at the end of each day for me to vent off should I need to. It may not be my "dream" situation, but I am thankful for what I do have, as there are women out there who are alone in raising children, and have it a lot harder than me!

I agree that you should discuss with your husband about how you are feeling, and choose your words carefully to avoid conflict.

I hope that things start to feel better soon

TheFrogs · 17/11/2011 22:34

I'm sure its perfectly possible to be more miserable as a married parent than as a single or lone parent. Im certainly happier than I was when I lived with my exp. But there is no such thing as a married single parent. You're either a single parent or you're not.

Could op pop out for five mins to get a pint of milk and leave her dd with her dh? If yes, then he's parenting.
Does he talk to her, hold her, play with her? That's parenting too.
Can she go to the toilet in peace, have a bath in peace knowing her dd isn't on her own?
If op was so i'll she could hardly keep her eyes open, would her dh look after dd?
If her dd was hurt or ill, would he be around or a phonecall away?
Does he contribute financially?

It is nothing like being a lone parent

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