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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that the father of two very small children should provide an effective means of contact when he goes away for work

77 replies

babyledweaner · 16/11/2011 20:33

...as opposed to leaving me his mobile number (but switching the phone off as he's forgotten the charger), someone else's mobile number (also off, as they are in meetings) and, that's it, no other means of contact (no hotel/conference centre name or anything).

Feeling quite raw/furious about it. DH is away most of the week every week, though usually contactable if needed, but this week he's been in Germany and DD2 got ill with the same thing that hospitalised DD1 for a week last year.

I would never ever be somewhere that I couldn't be reached (I leave alternate numbers when I pop to the frigging hairdressers FFS). Should I take it as a compliment to my ability to manage alone with two under twos, or as more evidence that my partner can barely manage his own life with any competence? Sorry to be so harsh, but I needed to vent...

Poor DD2 (sleeping peacefully now) is very poorly, and I just wanted some support from his dad.

OP posts:

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 16/11/2011 20:37

Yanbu.

I think you are saying that you want to be able to contact your dh within a few hours (given modern technology and all) and he has made this impossible for you.

Yanbu to be irritated with him.

justonemorethread · 16/11/2011 20:39

I could have written this!
Dh just gone away for two days, all I know is what city he is in. He left his mobile at home (always does anyway, doesn't 'like' it).
Don't even know name of hotel (ok didn't ask but forgot yesterday morning and why should I have to ask!)
I'm so easygoing about life in general never give anything much thought, but it did occur to me today.. uhm, what if there had been an emergency.
I'd go with dh not being very competetent at managing own life.
But again, I'm to easy going and nothing urgent happened so I'll probably let it go again... (Obviously I am facilitating the voluntary incompetency).

hwjm1945 · 16/11/2011 20:41

I am appalled - does he not want to know that you can get in touch if emergency? But, on saying that, it took my DH years to treat the need to come straight home fomr work adn to always be cintactable as automatic. If kids are still young and you are SAHM he will not have had it drummed into him enough. You need to tell him that it shuold always be at forefront of his mind, as it is of yours

maybenow · 16/11/2011 20:43

will he not be on email all day? my dh would always get a work email if he didn't have his personal phone with him.

TalkinPeace2 · 16/11/2011 20:44

I phoned my brother once on his mobile - thought I was calling his wife's one - he was on a battlefield. I did not complain when he cut me off.

I would NEVER phone DH at work during the day. He would not answer even if his phone was on. The audience would not like it. When he is away working he calls me when it is convenient.
He is earning the money after all.

GetDownNesbitt · 16/11/2011 20:50

I once had to take my eldest son to hospital in the middle of the night - husband was away on a work jolly so had to get my mam to come over and sit with youngest son at 2am. When I got back at 3.30am I made damn sure I rang husband to tell him what a pain in the arse time I was having while he was having a lovely sleep....

abbierhodes · 16/11/2011 20:52

Talkinpeace...I earn the money in this family, and I would want to know if my child was ill. Your husband is very unusual in not feeling this way about his family.

Original poster

babyledweaner · 16/11/2011 20:53

No, not on email. It's not just about the working day, as I do realise that he's focused on other things, but as DH went away on Monday, I think I should have some means of contacting him before he's back on Thursday evening that's not entirely dependent on him electing to get in touch. DC2 has had to go the doctor twice today (I was asked to take him back if he got worse) and - as one of his parents - I would have been distraught not to know that at the earliest opportunity.

OP posts:

TalkinPeace2 · 16/11/2011 20:53

There is a HUGE difference between working away and being on a work jolly.

Friends husband is oil industry. She does not normally know what country he has been to (for both their security - kidnap / hostage) till he gets home.
My cousin is a pilot. He does not tend to take family calls mid atlantic.
Air traffic controllers really should have their phones off.

CMOTdibbler · 16/11/2011 20:54

Actually, I think yabu. I travel for work, and dh only has my mobile number, which will be switched off most of the time as I am either working or asleep.

TalkinPeace2 · 16/11/2011 20:55

abbie
HOW DARE YOU insinuate against my husband like that.
His work does not allow him to take calls. I respect that. As I respect him.
My work does allow me to take calls. I am lucky.

sheeplikessleep · 16/11/2011 21:00

YANBU. DH is away in Germany this week too, and left hotel and flight details on a bit of paper upstairs. I would have done the same if it was me away and do.

But why the bloody why do they always get sick when DH is away!! It's so predictable isn't it. In same boat here, both DSs have got white blistering spots on their tongues and in a lot of pain.

On the other side of the coin, I don't think DH thinks as much about always being contactable, because I am normally the one at home (I work part time and self employed). When I have to turn my phone off for client meetings, I deliberately say to him make sure yours is turned on between 1 and 2 please. He would never check that with me.

Hulababy · 16/11/2011 21:00

I assume TalkinPeace you have a way of contacting them within a few hours if you need to, such as to let them know if their child was ill?

I almost always have my mobile with me, although it is on silent at work, but at work I am contactable through the school office.

DH has a direct line and his mobile with him. He checks both regularly even if his phone is on silent/off. It would be usual to not be able to contact him somehow. Mind you, when I had a car accident he was on a course in another town and had forgotten his mobile. However had i been seriously hurt or I needed him quickly I did know which hotel he was in so could have found him somehow.

sheeplikessleep · 16/11/2011 21:02

So for others who do not have a means of contact, is that even in an emergency?

abbierhodes · 16/11/2011 21:03

Yes I bloody DARE! Don't come onto a thread with your snidey comments about 'he is earning the money after all' when that is not what it's about. My work doesn't allow me to take calls but in an emergency a message would get through to me.
You seem to be trying to make out that all the men you know are far too important to be interrupted and their families should just put up with it. Not sure what you're trying to prove

TalkinPeace2 · 16/11/2011 21:06

hula
not generally till the end of the day depending on exactly what he is doing and whether he is in a part of the country with mobile phone reception

spouses, parents and children coped before the advent of mobile phones

when I was at uni I shared a payphone with 360 other people; I survived - I learned to be self reliant

maybe something we should all relearn

and when DH had a car crash I just kept phoning hospitals and the police and hoping till he came home (pre mobile phones)

marriedinwhite · 16/11/2011 21:07

YANBU but I have forgotten which country DH is in and have had to wing interest in what he's been up to when he's got back before now. I have also been mightily peeved when he has walked through the door at 8pm because a trip to NY has been cancelled and I have been dishing up supper for three girlfriends!

OTH we have been together for 23 years and I have been very very patient with him on occasion not least when he couldn't drop what he was doing when I went into early labour!

Hulababy · 16/11/2011 21:08

Well, yes - I too remember pre mobile times. No mobiles at university here either, nor for a little while after that - and at times no phone at all at home.

BUT even then most of the time someone was contactable in some way withina few hours - be it a work contact, school contact, university department, or a person local with a phone.

abbierhodes · 16/11/2011 21:11

But the OP is not complaining about mobile phones, she's annoyed that he hasn't left the name of the hotel. Honestly talkinpeace, you're coming across as really sanctimonious.

TalkinPeace2 · 16/11/2011 21:16

how many of you have other halves in the forces?
how many of you do not have other halves / parents in the same country?

not sanctimonious - just think that the ability to communicate instantly has made people less self reliant

sheeplikessleep · 16/11/2011 21:18

op also said it's a hotel / conference centre. fair enough when calls are disturbing a potentially life threatening situation, but sounds like he's on a conference! i would also be v annoyed op.

also agree with abbie. talkinpeace - the op has had a shit day and wants to speak with her husband (who surely isn't working 24/7), her partner and father of her children. she is self reliant, nothing in her op suggests she isn't.

babyledweaner - wonder if our dhs are at the same conference?

Portofino · 16/11/2011 21:24

I think it reasonable to supply details of hotel/where working if possible in case of REAL emergency. I think it unreasonable to expect contact 24/7. Sometime phones HAVE to be switched off. If someone is abroad and baby is sick, what do you expect them to DO?

My dh has a job with a lot of foreign travel. We discussed the full implications of this before he took it. If he has to go to the US for 2 weeks, then I have to suck it up basically - unless something life threatening comes to pass.

abbierhodes · 16/11/2011 21:24

It's not about self reliance. Perhaps the sick child wants to speak to her daddy? The armed forces is a different lifestyle choice. I wouldn't have married someone in the forces as I wouldn't like that life- many people feel the same. If my husband was working away I would expect to be able to contact him in an emergency. Not necessarily instantly, but pretty damn quickly. He would want to be contacted, as would I.

Portofino · 16/11/2011 21:26

Though obviously a quick call at a convenient moment is also expected.

Original poster

babyledweaner · 16/11/2011 21:28

DH is actually attached to the forces and may be deployed at some point. In that case, I realise that contacting him would be nigh on impossible at times (though I assume there would be some way of eventually getting messages to him). As and when that happens, I'll make sure I have even more local backup in the event of some kind of emergency.

However, in this case, the details existed - he just did not give to me. Ditto, he had his phone and could have checked it, but was too disorganised to pack his charger. I think my main problem is that he does not have seem to adapted to the responsibility of having children, and seems to think that it's fine to forget all manner of things, without that potentially causing problems.

The doctor was talking this morning about maybe needing to take DC2 to hospital. That's why I wanted to be able to reach DH. In his position, I'd certainly want to know that news ASAP.

OP posts:

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