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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that the father of two very small children should provide an effective means of contact when he goes away for work

77 replies

babyledweaner · 16/11/2011 20:33

...as opposed to leaving me his mobile number (but switching the phone off as he's forgotten the charger), someone else's mobile number (also off, as they are in meetings) and, that's it, no other means of contact (no hotel/conference centre name or anything).

Feeling quite raw/furious about it. DH is away most of the week every week, though usually contactable if needed, but this week he's been in Germany and DD2 got ill with the same thing that hospitalised DD1 for a week last year.

I would never ever be somewhere that I couldn't be reached (I leave alternate numbers when I pop to the frigging hairdressers FFS). Should I take it as a compliment to my ability to manage alone with two under twos, or as more evidence that my partner can barely manage his own life with any competence? Sorry to be so harsh, but I needed to vent...

Poor DD2 (sleeping peacefully now) is very poorly, and I just wanted some support from his dad.

OP posts:
LizzieMo · 16/11/2011 22:09

When my DD had a fit she was taken to hospital, my DH was at work, I called him straight away and asked him to get to the hospital ASAP. He told his boss his DD was in hospital and he walked out, he did not wait for his boss to say it was OK. He would have been beyond hurt if I had not contacted him, it would be like saying he does not have a right to know. YANBU to have a number in case of emergencies. YANBU to use that number in an emergency. Sick children in hospital are an emergency.

sheeplikessleep · 16/11/2011 22:16

there's a world of difference between phoning to ask and phoning to let that person know their own child is very very poorly.

if my cm was in a position of possibly taking my child to hospital (and yes i trust her totally and she is very competent) or even that my child was close to that point, i would want to know. i would be fuming if i wasn't informed. i suppose we are all different.

it goes without saying that getting the child there is the priority, but seriously how long does it take to make a quick 10 second call on route?

goingmadinthecountry · 16/11/2011 22:18

Dh occasionally forgets a charger. He borrows one or buys (yet another) new one at the airport, or asks to borrow one from hotel reception. Must admit he'll occasionally say, " Do we need anything from the Ukraine?" Er, like what, but nice to be asked, and I'll have thought he was in Prague, BUT if I Skype him he'll get back soon enough.

I've been in hospital with one child while he's gone away (n0n-life threatening infection). It is irritating. But hey, 15 years later, ds is about 6ft and dh is still away. Such is life.

bringmesunshine2009 · 16/11/2011 22:19

YIKES! IF my babies were sick I'd want to know, hell, if they were well I'd want to know that too. If DH is watching the nippers when I am at work, he sends me picture messages to see what they are up to. If they were sick, I'd want a call, so I could offer my thoughts on triage (pharmacy, GP, hospital?) if the latter I'd be out of work like a shot. I would tell the judge my kid was in hospital and move heaven and earth to be there. I can always be contacted even without a mobile unless travelling between courts. I do not consider these calls or messages to be trifiling domestic matters (what the fuck?! IT'S YOUR CHILD NOT A DOMESTIC MATTER) nor do I demean my DH by making out I am SO busy and important that my JOB comes before my own flesh and blood.

abbierhodes · 16/11/2011 22:30

Northerngirl, you wouldn't want 'the nanny' to bother you at work with the information that your child might be taken to hospital????? [Shock] Your poor kids! I'm very glad you're not my mum.

scaryteacher · 16/11/2011 22:31

It depends where the dh actually is as well.

When ds was born prematurely, dh wasn't told for 3 days due to operational requirements, and no-one could have got hold of him any quicker as the boat was dived. When the boat did longer trips, there was no way of contacting him at all for up to 8 weeks at a time, and in fact most of the crew did not want to know if anything went wrong with their families/some one died as there was nothing they could do until the boat was home.

If there is an emergency now, I can't call his mobile as they are not allowed them in the office, and if he is not at his desk, I have to leave a message and hope he'll get back to me. He may be in meetings all day and not have the opportunity to do so, or even know I've left a message.

I understand how the op feels, but people are not always available when you need them, and you just have to deal with things yourself.

sheeplikessleep · 16/11/2011 22:32

would love to know what jobs people have that are more important than knowing your own kids are very poorly.

sheeplikessleep · 16/11/2011 22:35

ok, there may be jobs where people can't be gotten hold of. i get that sometimes people just aren't contactable. or in situations where someone is on the front line. fair dos. if you or your dh are in those types of jobs, then you know the score.

BUT the op's husband is in meetings / at a conference / hotel. the original aibu was about whether he should have left these details for her, in an emergency.

scaryteacher · 16/11/2011 22:35

Nuclear submariner
Astronaut
Royal Marine/Soldier/Special Forces on ops
Intelligence Officers
Police
Round the world yachtsman/woman
Surgeons
Airline pilots
Fighter jet pilots on ops

bringmesunshine2009 · 16/11/2011 22:38

And seemingly most of those professions wives as listed by scary are avid MN posters!

sheeplikessleep · 16/11/2011 22:42

there's also a major difference between not wanting to know (i.e. as it's on work time) versus not being able to know. i don't think anyone is arguing those not able to know should be contactable (hats off, i personally couldn't be in that type of job).

but in other posts, there are undertones of 'its work time, don't contact me' that i can't comprehend.

but is it bu to expect her husband to leave a more 'definite' contact number and to think about this? that was the original post.

sheeplikessleep · 16/11/2011 22:43

Grin bringmesunshine

marriedinwhite · 16/11/2011 22:45

And I can still see the midwife's face when I said DH couldn't come straight away because he was in court. The chief midwife got sent to see me and sat on the bed and we had a little chat about the stress of it and how I was used to treading on egg shells when it was a big case. Then I realised she thought he was about to banged up and explained what he was doing. The twit then tore a strip off me for wasting her time - her assumption Shock. DH got there in time to see ds2 before he died.

scaryteacher · 16/11/2011 22:45

The Forces wives, yes.

The op has said her dh is attached to the Forces and is in Germany this week. It is possible that he is not in an hotel/conference centre, but on a base somewhere, where they may prefer that mobiles are not used.

I make sure that dh gives me all the details of where he will be on an email before he goes, and remind him if he doesn't do it, but that is after years of practice.

FabbyChic · 16/11/2011 22:46

Seriously though what could he do? Would you expect him to come home? Wouldnt it just stress him out whilst he is away working? Do you want to lay on the guilt trip?

If he was 2 hours away by car and could come home that's one thing, but he isn't he is in another country.

willowstar · 16/11/2011 22:56

my friends' chap was in Afghanistan and they were able to email and communicate that way daily...and skype a couple of times a week. just saying...they were a lot more connected than I imagined.

my OH regularly goes away and I just have a vague idea where he is going...he usually does a days work then finds somewhere to stay so I don't konw where he is if it is late. He usually doesn't answer his phone when he is away on site

PigletJohn · 16/11/2011 23:05

some places where people who can't use their mobile phone

below ground level
generator halls and transformer rooms
TV studios
on stage
secure sites
in ships
some parts of hospitals
away from settlements and major roads
the National Lottery room
Bank call centres

Spermysextowel · 16/11/2011 23:07

married, your post has made me cry. Poor, poor you x

Spermysextowel · 16/11/2011 23:10

Has anyone said miners? Miners cannot even eat crisps. Well, not down the mine - I assume they can at other times.

Spermysextowel · 16/11/2011 23:14

Doh! Mining would be below ground level of course..

abbierhodes · 16/11/2011 23:14

Spermysextowel....random!!! Love your name by the way!

Marriedinwhite, sorry for your loss. [Sad]

wannabesybil · 16/11/2011 23:18

Why can't miners eat crisps down mines??????

OH would be furious with me, to the point of possible divorce, if I didn't let him know if ds may be going into hospital.

Also, it's not about wanting to speak RIGHT NOW. It's the lack of a chance to speak some time before the end of the week, possibly from the hospital.

But really, crisps down mines??? Wouldn't they just taste mucky?

PigletJohn · 16/11/2011 23:24

"Why can't miners eat crisps down mines??????"

they used to make tiny sparks when you opened the packet. Don't know if they still do as materials may have changed.

Spermysextowel · 16/11/2011 23:26

Abbie, thank you (said with demure gracious head-lowering). Used to be someone else but phrase came up as an substitute for panty-liners on another thread & I had to have it - the name, not the towel.

Spermysextowel · 16/11/2011 23:30

Yes, sparks! That is also why they cannot wear a watch, have a mobile or anything electric on them.

I have spent too much time in mining museums.