To not invite my dad's girlfriend to my wedding?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

DP and I are getting married next year.
My parents are currently getting divorced, they separated 12 years ago. My dad had several affairs and generally treated my mum badly. I have a strained relationship with him but I know he loves me in his own way.

My dad has had the same girlfriend for 14 years (I'll call her Susan). She was the catalyst for my parents splitting up, although if it wasn't her it probably would have been someone else (my dad is a seriel cheater and I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on his Susan)

I really don't like my Susan. She has tried hard to be friendly towards us and always encouraged my dad to maintain a relationship of sorts with us. But she bad mouths my mum at every opportunity, including to me and also to my sister.

My sister had her wedding a few years ago when things weren't so tense between us and Susan. Susan got drunk and made a dick of herself and did a few things to make my mum feel like second best (if I say what I will probably out myself). Since then Susan has done a lot of bad mouthing and shit stirring and I find it so hard to tolerate her.

I genuinely don't know what to do. For all his faults, my dad is still my dad and I wouldn't want to upset him. My sister refuses any contact with Susan and only sees dad on his own but I know she would understand if I invite her. My mum has always behaved with dignity in spite of Susan's horrible behaviour to her and again, I know she will understand if I invite her.

This is a geniune AIBU. The invites haven't gone out yet so I have some time to consider what to do.

I'd say to your dad (who is presumably aware of what happened at your sister's wedding) that you don't want to upset him but cannot risk your mother being upset again, so you will invite her on the strict understanding that she behaves herself and your dad is responsible for her. If not, then they will both have to leave.

It's your wedding so invite who you like. But how do you think your dad will react if you don't invite his partner? If he'd understand and can tolerate the onslaught from her then fair enough.

An alternative would be to invite her but not sit her at the top table. Stick her at the back with the kids or something.

YANBU to not invite her. She sounds quite nasty, esp if she is bad mouthing your mum and so just for that I def wouldnt invite her.

It's your big day and you find her hard to tolerate......therefore dont invite her!

Agree with carrie. Definitely the right approach.

What about sending them both an invite, then calling up your father and asking if he could think twice about bringing her because she behaved so badly at your sister's wedding?

Will your father be paying for any of the day?

YANBU. Don't invite her. She sounds rude and disrespectful. It's your wedding, you should have who you want there - and preferably people you actually like.

Difficult one.

Elope!

I couldn't face my parents being in the same room, so we just got married with a couple of friends and told them later.

If she hadn't bad mouthed your mother, I'd say invite her, given the length of the relationship with your dad. But given that she behaved very badly at your sister's wedding and criticises your mum to you and your sister, then I think I would not invite her.

I think you are right to put your mum's feelings ahead of your father's and Susan's, given that their behaviour has been at fault and your mum has always done her best to behave with dignity. I'm sure your mum would feel much better if she wasn't there.

If you do feel you have to invite her, then agree she shouldn't be at the top table - that place is for your mum, not the woman who helped break up her marriage.

I only half invited my dad's wife - my dad left mum for her and mum was devastated -she basically had some sort of break down. barely got out of bed for a year (I concede this might be selective memory on my part - but to 12 year old me that's pretty much what it felt like). I invited Dad -had him on top table and he did a speech. I only invited his wife to come in teh evening - part out of respect for mum -but also for wife's own sake - there was no way she was sitting at top table and there was no-one I could have sat her with. She came for an hour or so and then she and dad left. I sympathise whole heartedly with your dilemma - but, personally, I think you will be on tenterhooks if she comes and that's just not fair on you. also - you say your mum would understand - I'm sure she would - but she'd probably relax and enjoy the day more if Susan wasn't there

totally agree with karma - put yourself and your mum first.

If it wasn't for the fact that you acknowledge her attempts to be friendly and encouraging contact this would be an easy "no way should you invite her"

Bad mouthing other parents is an absolute no no, and the fact that this has continued over the years would be a real problem to me.

Consider just how upset your Dad would be, would he possibly think, or be persuaded "actually she did behave badly, I can sort of understand it" ?

My old boss who has been married a few years now was originally the OW (i.e. her now husband was already married when they got together.)

She wasn't invited to his son's wedding for fear of upsetting the mother and took it on the chin. I mean you have to sacrifice certain privileges if you were instrumental in the breakdown of a relationship, surely?

Then again she's not the sort of twat who would make the mother feel inadequate.

Thanks for the replies.

Lemon: Dad hasn't offered to pay for any of the wedding and I certainly wouldn't ask or expect him to. DP's parents have offered to help out, and my mum would like to pay for my dress. However I think it would be unfair to bring the money into it, my dad helped me through uni.

Niceguy: I think dad would be hurt. That's the dilemma I face. If I invited her it would only be so as not to hurt my dad.

Karmabeliever: You have totally summed up how I feel. Although I know my mum would never say it, I do feel she would have a better day without Susan there.

As for top table, there is no way I would want her on the top table, which opens up other problems - do we not bother with a top table? Do we tell her beforehand that she won't be on it? I'm worried that she could cause a scene if she gets to the venue and finds she's not sitting next to dad. Would it be terribly rude to send out a seating plan beforehand so she knows?

Meta4 makes a good point, she should take it on the chin, and so should your Dad.

I personally wouldn't invite her, if I was in your position, and she'd bad mouthed my mum.

She sounds like a nasty, spiteful, cowbitch.

I'm not really sure, but I think you should estimate the fall-out from Susan not being invited.

My DB got married a couple of years ago and we have a similar situation (my dad is married to his OW). My brother did not want the new wife/OW at his wedding and was thinking of eloping to avoid the problem . In the end, my DB put his foot down and invited my dad on his own. My dad made out that he was the injured party and still goes on about how his wife wasn't invited, years later. He didn't behave particularly well at the wedding (although nothing catastrophic). It might have been simpler in the long term to invite the OW, but it was simpler in the short term not to.

HTH.

If she'd bad mouthed my mam there's no way on this green Earth I'd invite her to my wedding, regardless of who she is. End of.

Horrible situation for you. Re: the top table - we had two sets of divorced and remarried parents all of whom have different levels of comfort with the situation, so we really didn't want to shove all these people together just for the sake of form - we wanted everyone to enjoy a good party, not be tense and uptight. I'd been to one wedding where the bride and groom set alone at a table for two to avoid this problem, but that was a bit weird for me. Our wedding was pretty informal anyway and we had no seating plan whatsoever, meal was a hot buffet, and we just sat by the people who were next to us in the queue.
All the speeches were done immediately after the wedding ceremony, so there were no issues of the relevant people being seated at the same table etc.
It's not for everyone but worked for us.

I think you could talk to your dad and say what you have said here. It will be a difficult conversation, but could be beneficial in the long term. perhaps he needs to hear how this is from your perspective, because he's made her your problem and that isn't fair. A lot of this rests with him, because apart from the initial marriage breakup, he ought to have put a stop to her saying negative things about your mum, to you and your sister.

Maybe he could tell her that it would be diplomatic for her not to attend, given her previous behaviour at your sister's wedding. He might know the right words to use with her to avoid a scene and to make this as smooth as possible in the circumstances.

If she was to come, then it's best she knows beforehand that she won't be on the top table. You don't want to spring it on her on the day, because you will be worrying about her reaction, rather than enjoying your wedding. Could you sit her with friends, who will be polite because they are not emotionally involved, rather than with relatives? I don't think it's rude to include a table plan, but you might get lots of people wanting it tweaked, if they get it in advance.

Given that you don't want a relationship with her in the future, I think I would stick to not inviting her and let my dad worry about the best way to deal with her. She shouldn't really become your problem and certainly not your mum's. Your dad should really take the lead on this.

I think not coming to partner's children's weddings is one of those things you just have to accept, if you've been instrumental in the parent's breakup and haven't behaved well since.

I like Hatwoman's idea of inviting her to the evening only.

My friends who had the problem of divorced parents had a top table with the bride and groom, bridesmaids, best man, ushers and their partners - no parents or other relatives. You could also make sure the top table is the same size and shape as the other tables (ie not one of those long rectangular ones while all the other tables are round) to detract attention from the situation.

Tough one, OP.

My circs are similar, only we don't have another wedding to compare it to as you have your sisters, and our 'Susan' has never been disruptive.

I still worry about what we'd do about it should dp ever get off his arse and pop the question.

Like you, my Dad would be hurt if I didn't invite her, I wouldn't want to do that regardless of what went on in the past. We would all have a better day without Susan there though.

In my situation, the only solution I can see is to create a very informal atmosphere (as Roobie describes) where roles are less distinct and Susan can just fade into the background. She certainly won't be on the top table (hmm does that mean MiL can be relegated too?! ) Not ideal though. And not a solution for you if you suspect she might be problematic.

I think you have to be really honest with yourself and think through each possible course of action to its most realistic conclusion, and choose the least stressful. Vey tough, all the best, OP. Sodding 'rents, eh?.

good advice there from Karma

I think you should just invite your Dad. Susan and your Dad will know she blotted her copy book at your sisters wedding. She can hardly be expected to be invited to another one after that.

Karma: that is very good advice. Unfortunately I don't have the sort of relationship with my dad where I could talk to him honestly about this. My dad does seem totally oblivious to her behaviour.

I thought I'd just decided that I would have her there and put her at a different table. Then I remembered a time when we all went out to dinner a few years ago. I'm not exaggerating when I say people in the restaurant were turning to stare at her because she was so loud and embarrassing. I'd feel bad for whoever ended up with her on their table.

It's such a tricky situation.

That's the dilemma I face. If I invited her it would only be so as not to hurt my dad.

I think its lovely that you are so caring and you want to consider your dad's happiness. But seriously, he is a serial philanderer = not very caring about hurting others. He is the one responsible for this mess, he is the one that made all the choices and left everyone else to pick up the pieces.

I think, you have two options from what has been described above.

1. Simply don't invite her - if you think it won't cause you too much anxiety or damage your relationship with your dad too much.
2. Put the responsibility back on him: explain your reservations to him and tell him that its his call, and he is responsible for preventing her from doing any emotional damage. And of course not at the main table.

The way to choose between is to think which is least likely to open up a can of worms you don't want to infest your special day. Put you first!