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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite my dad's girlfriend to my wedding?

74 replies

AKissIsNotAContract · 16/11/2011 13:14

DP and I are getting married next year.
My parents are currently getting divorced, they separated 12 years ago. My dad had several affairs and generally treated my mum badly. I have a strained relationship with him but I know he loves me in his own way.

My dad has had the same girlfriend for 14 years (I'll call her Susan). She was the catalyst for my parents splitting up, although if it wasn't her it probably would have been someone else (my dad is a seriel cheater and I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on his Susan)

I really don't like my Susan. She has tried hard to be friendly towards us and always encouraged my dad to maintain a relationship of sorts with us. But she bad mouths my mum at every opportunity, including to me and also to my sister.

My sister had her wedding a few years ago when things weren't so tense between us and Susan. Susan got drunk and made a dick of herself and did a few things to make my mum feel like second best (if I say what I will probably out myself). Since then Susan has done a lot of bad mouthing and shit stirring and I find it so hard to tolerate her.

I genuinely don't know what to do. For all his faults, my dad is still my dad and I wouldn't want to upset him. My sister refuses any contact with Susan and only sees dad on his own but I know she would understand if I invite her. My mum has always behaved with dignity in spite of Susan's horrible behaviour to her and again, I know she will understand if I invite her.

This is a geniune AIBU. The invites haven't gone out yet so I have some time to consider what to do.

OP posts:

jen127 · 16/11/2011 14:34

Op I had a very similair situation. I ended up having the chat with my Dad that I wasn't comfortable with his Dp being there ( my mum is dead). And that it would be inappropriate for her to be sat at the top table in a seat which should be my Mum's. It was a difficult conversation but as your father's DP has been supportive in him maintaining a relationship with you I would perhaps speak to her and say that you hope she would be sensitive to the day that is in it.
How do you think Susan would feel if she wasn't invited ? Would she care ?

I know my Dad was not impressed but it was how it had to be. Neither her or my Dad had met DH's family due to geographical location and I just could not face the stress of trying to explain who she was and who she most certainly wasn't. At the end of the day it was mine and DH's day and I did not need any stress.

What helped support my decision was that she made a twat of herself at a fmaily wedding two weeks before mine..
Good luck and I hope you can find a solution that fits !

TimothyClaypoleLover · 16/11/2011 14:41

As your dad and Susan have been together for 14 years it will be harder not to invite her as she is a long term partner rather than just a girlfriend of 5 minutes. From what you say it does seem that she is not very nice but I would be inclined to invite her, don't sit her on the top table and give your dad strict instructions that if she does anything to upset anyone they will both be asked to leave.

SugarAndSpiceMistletoeAndWine · 16/11/2011 14:49

It is a hard one. When I married DH I had the issue that my parents were divorced - my mum had remarried, my dad was bringing a partner who I hadn't met beforehand (met her on the eve of my wedding!) and because DH's family live 500 miles away, our parents hadn't met.

We ended up with a 'top table' of me, maid of honour and her DH, and our 2 best men. Our close friends 'hosted' tables for us and my mum, dad, mum in law all hosted their own tables. Mum and dad had their friends there, mum in law was with my in laws. It worked for us. I really didn't want my mum's partner on our table as we don't get on, and it would have been farcical to have my dad's new partner there too.

Not sure if this helps, just the way we got round it.

Katiepoes · 16/11/2011 14:53

I think I can help with the top table - first off it's for the couple's parents, not necessarily partners of parents. In Ireland at least traditionally the mother-of-the-bride sits next to the father-of-the-groom and vce versa, so that solves any problems if the parents are likely to knock lumps off each other.

Sit Susan wherever you wish, you might want to let her (and your dad) know in advance though so there's no chance of a strop when they see the table plan (or worse, sit down and have to be moved). For sure invite her though, after 14 years she has a reasonable expectation of being treated as your Dad's partner.

Poor you. You should be having fun planning a killer party, not worrying about bad behaviour from old people.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/11/2011 15:01

Would it hurt your dad's feelings a lot if you told him you were putting him and Susan not at the top table? You could couch it in terms of him being able to keep her company and enjoy the event with his partner, and out of deference to your mum, you don't feel it would be right to seat her at the top table?

If he would be okay with that (and might actually prefer it, as might your mum), then he would be close at hand to keep an eye on her, should she behave bady on the day.

AngelofTheLordiscomingDown · 16/11/2011 15:08

There is nothing wrong with not having Susan at the top table. When my son was married, my exH and I were at the top table and his 'friend' and my husband were on one of the other tables with people they knew. It's common practice.

When my DlateH's son was married he and his XW were at the top table and I sat with the XWH at a table lower down with groom's mother's brother.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 16/11/2011 15:10

Just invite your mother and your father to your wedding - the fact one of them has a partner doesn't have to come into it that much. Don't invite her for various reasons. Luckily your M & D get on well enough to both be there on their daughter's big day. Result !
( Obviously there will be other guests too. But it's your wedding, invite who you'd like to be there ! )

squeakytoy · 16/11/2011 15:14

Given her past behaviour, I would honestly not invite her. I would speak to my dad first and explain though.

I didnt go to my eldest stepdaughters wedding because I absolutely detest her mother. Its a mutual thing. (And I had nothing to do with the break up of their marriage, as we got together about 8 years after they had split up, and she had already remarried). She is just a vile and nasty person.

But, out of respect for my stepdaughter, even though I was invited, I politely declined, and my husband went with his mum. I just didnt want to be part of what would be a bad atmosphere.

I suspect though that "Susan" would enjoy the drama, given her previous escapades at your sisters wedding, and on that basis, I would just say she isnt welcome.

Hopefully your Dad would understand.

ViviPru · 16/11/2011 15:16

Interesting perspective, squeaky- thanks for sharing...

squeakytoy · 16/11/2011 15:27

I just think that there are times, as a step-parent, when taking a back seat, and staying out of the spotlight is the best thing to do. I would fully expect my husband to go to his daughters wedding, and would never have dreamed of making him choose because of my differences with her mother. He cant stand her either, but as the father of the bride, he had no choice but to go! He watched the service, stayed for the meal and then came home (it was two days before Christmas, and 100 miles from home, and the roads were really bad)... and my MIL needed to be home too for her animals. (I had the perfect excuse to stop people trying to make me change my mind as I had the job of going round to let the dog out during the day).

halcyondays · 16/11/2011 16:16

Yanbu at all, given her behaviour at your sister's wedding.

ViviPru · 16/11/2011 16:18

Squeaky if you ever get bored of your DH, will you come and be my stepmum?

nannyl · 16/11/2011 16:46

dont invite her

there is / was no way my vile ex step dad would have come to my wedding

thankfully my mother has divorced him so it wont ever be an issue, but if she hadnt, he would still not be welcome / invited, & nor would he ever meet my dc!

Doha · 16/11/2011 16:57

No way on God's earth would l invite someone who creates havoc and badmouths my mother.
I would speak to your DF explain the reasons why she will not be invited citing her behaviour at your sisters wedding. It is then up to him wheither he is man enough to attend your wedding wothout her.
He will be the one to loose out not you,

BlueFergie · 16/11/2011 17:00

If someone was bad mouthing my mother and had publicly embarrassed her before there is absoloutly no way they would be invited to my wedding. I wouldn't give a flying fuck who they were married to and for how long.
Your mother has acted with dignity in the past and good on her, but why should she be under pressure to raise above this sort of shit at her own daughters wedding? She should be able to enjoy the day, and Susan should be made to realise that as a grown up there are consequences to her actions. She has noone to blame but herself for not being invited.

cwtch4967 · 16/11/2011 17:14

Don't invite her. It is your day and you don't need to be worrying about Susan upsetting people. Yes your Dad may be a bit upset but your reasons for not inviting her are valid.
She has behaved badly at a previous family wedding and upset people.
She has been bad mouthing your mum to your face.
If she had behaved reasonably in the past I'm sure you would be happy to invite her.

lumpymash · 16/11/2011 17:16

Hi OP, I'm new but signed up just to offer an idea really. My parents were also divorced and with new partners (although not catalysts in the split) when I got married.
To save upset and awkwardness, we had a top table consisting of us, bridesmaids, groomsmen and a few other close friends. Parents were sat on opposite sides of the room with other important family members.
If you do decide to invite Susan maybe you could do something similar to avoid anyone being upset or unpleasantness?
just don't allow anyone pressure you. Do what you want, on your day. X

Xales · 16/11/2011 17:28

This is a sad situation.

It seems to be the way we live now. The nice people (your sister and mother) who have behaved with grace and dignity cause you no trouble and will understand if you invite her.

The shitty cow who has been vile and bad mouthing your mother for the last 14 years and who was vile to her at your sisters wedding upsetting her, your sister, probably your sisters H plus other family members is the one you are all considering placating and inviting!

Why do the nice people always have to put up and shut up being hurt and upset otherwise the nasty cow gets upset!?!?!?!?

This woman doesn't deserve to be at your wedding. Why should they be walking on egg shells all day at their family wedding to avoid this woman? What if she does kick off? Chances are pretty likely and I wouldn't trust your father to do anything and remove her.

I am pretty blunt. There would be no invite for her from me.

helenthemadex · 16/11/2011 17:33

Its your big day, I really dont see why you should feel obliged to invite someone who will probably make you feel anxious all day in case she upsets your mum or behaves badly

Im the same as you though I wouldnt be able to say this to him or her so would probably put it in a letter

newgirl · 16/11/2011 17:34

I would definitely invite Susan. I would put her on a table with other members of your Dads family.

This happened to me (12 years ago). Quite simply it will cause drama if you dont invite her and give it all much more importance than it should. Id say to your mum that you thought hard about it and just make sure that she has many special times with you in run up - Im sure that will be what is important to her.

If it were my child, I would do my hardest to make sure none of this upset their special day and I hope all they all do their best for you

lisianthus · 16/11/2011 17:36

Yes, why should the only person who has made an attempt to act decently have to put up with being badmouthed, whereas the unpleasant person and your DH who doesn't bother to do anything to stop her get rewarded by everyone treating them extra carefully?

Anyone who treated my mother like that wouldn't get get within 100 yards of my wedding.

lisianthus · 16/11/2011 17:37

My response was in agreement with Xales

ENormaSnob · 16/11/2011 17:39

I wouldn't invite the poisonous hag.

BarkisIsWillin · 16/11/2011 17:44

It's a tricky one. The bride and groom are the only couple who sit together at the top table, so that part is sorted. (I have been matron of honour a couple of times and my dh was seated at a separate table for the meal). Although it may seem like you can do what you like and not invite her, what would you do if e.g. she was a hated sister-in-law? Would you tell your brother that he's welcome to come to your wedding but to leave his obnoxious wife at home? As a partner of 14 years she's part of the family whether you like her or not. If she was anyway decent she would decline, but then if she was anyway decent there wouldn't be a problem! Difficult decision, and I think best approached by talking to your dad, if you can.

lisianthus · 16/11/2011 18:49

Sorry, just realised I typed "your DH" rather than "HER DH" oops!

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