To not invite my dad's girlfriend to my wedding?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

DP and I are getting married next year.
My parents are currently getting divorced, they separated 12 years ago. My dad had several affairs and generally treated my mum badly. I have a strained relationship with him but I know he loves me in his own way.

My dad has had the same girlfriend for 14 years (I'll call her Susan). She was the catalyst for my parents splitting up, although if it wasn't her it probably would have been someone else (my dad is a seriel cheater and I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on his Susan)

I really don't like my Susan. She has tried hard to be friendly towards us and always encouraged my dad to maintain a relationship of sorts with us. But she bad mouths my mum at every opportunity, including to me and also to my sister.

My sister had her wedding a few years ago when things weren't so tense between us and Susan. Susan got drunk and made a dick of herself and did a few things to make my mum feel like second best (if I say what I will probably out myself). Since then Susan has done a lot of bad mouthing and shit stirring and I find it so hard to tolerate her.

I genuinely don't know what to do. For all his faults, my dad is still my dad and I wouldn't want to upset him. My sister refuses any contact with Susan and only sees dad on his own but I know she would understand if I invite her. My mum has always behaved with dignity in spite of Susan's horrible behaviour to her and again, I know she will understand if I invite her.

This is a geniune AIBU. The invites haven't gone out yet so I have some time to consider what to do.

If/when DP ever pops the question, no way in hell would my dads partner be going. He knows I don't like her, same with my brother and my dads side of the family - all but my dad dislike her. Alot. She didn't even come to my Grandads funeral (my dad's dad) so I expect she knows if there was ever a wedding involving myself or my brother she would definitely not be there.

I don't think dad would be offended if I didn't invite her because he knows full well that the reason I never even go round to his place is so I don't have to see that constant scowling ugly face of hers.

Anyway, it's your big day and no-one wants any cause for upset and to have to be treading on egg shells all day. If she has absolutely no involvement with you, no 'friendship' etc then there is no need to invite her.

If your dad does get upset or angry just explain that nothing is stopping your mum enjoying your day as much as you and to you, that's more important than common courtesies.

Hmm, you've made a point I hadn't considered, GoForth. I reckon if I put your final paragraph to my Dad in that way, he'd probably understand and leave Susan at home. How do you think your dad would react if it wee put to him that way, OP?

were* not wee. FGS.

I think it would be rude not to invite your father's partner, as they have been together for a long time. I'm afraid we all have to make compromises at weddings and I don't buy all this stuff about 'it's your special day, do what you want.' Good manners are important, and as the bride you should try to keep the moral high ground and be a gracious hostess. You can seat her at the back of the room if you want, you don't have to speak to her, but all weddings include a few weird or unpopular relatives. That's the point really, we can choose our friends but not our relatives. I'm sure your mother would understand.

I'm sorry but I would invite her for your dad's sake. Have a buffet (better anyway) to reduce seating plan stress. Serve plenty of stodgy canapes and a range of drinks, several of which are non-alcoholic/weakly alcoholic (sparkling elderflower, spritzers etc). Serve short pub measures so that it's harder to get drunk. Inform the waiting staff that you have a difficult guest and ask them to ensure that they aren't too quick to offer this lady drinks and that they also need to offer plenty of canapes. Have some sort of dancefloor on the go as much as possible. The ideal would be at least one large, bluff and loud uncle on your father's side whom you can beg to attach himself to Susan, try to keep her from getting drunk and to whisk her onto the dancefloor to reduce her alcohol exposure and the chance of anyone hearing what she's saying. Forgo bridesmaids as such, and instead ask a couple of friends to do similar duty, perhaps taking Susan to the loo a few times for lengthy girly chats. Deploy your sister to take care of your mum. Then try to forget about it.

Until the day itself, start challenging Susan really hard on the badmouthing and ask other people to do so, if anyone still has contact with her. Focus on your DH and mum on the day.

If it's any consolation, at most weddings 99.9% of the guests will want you to have a wonderful day, and you probably will.

I would invite her. I would tell your dad about your reservations and advise him you are inviting her out of respect for him. That said, I would tell him that you trust him to be responsible and accountable for her behaviour and that you expect no negativity toward your mother or drama surrounding the event.

I dont get this "you should invite her" crap.

The GF should behave, she should not slag off the OPs mother, she should remember that the world doesnt spin around her. But she doesnt.

So bollocks to her. Your feelings and your mums feelings are far more important than this bitch's hissy fits. Your dad is with her, he can deal with it.

And as for suggesting that the OP should gear her whole wedding around making sure that "susan" doesnt kick off, that is ridiculous! It is her wedding day, she wants to remember the wonderful time she had, not the concessions she had to make to keep her fathers GF happy!

Ordinarily, I would say invite her - but given 'Susan's' behaviour, I don't think she deserves and invite and these days I wouldn't.

I was browbeaten into inviting someone to my wedding who was an utter arse. He acted like an arse at my engagement and I didn't want him at my wedding, but back in those days I used to bite my tongue and tolerate a lot. So I backed down - and yes, he acted like a prize prick and after my wedding I had to apologise to people for his behaviour / the way they were spoken to by him (as I had done after my engagement party). Its not great.

If she's got form, then I wouldn't trust her to behave, and at the end of day you only have one wedding.

I would have a heart to heart with your dad and explain you are worried because of what happened at your sister's wedding and it is casting a shadow over your day. You could see how he feels about
1)not inviting her at all
2)including her in all wedding but not at top table (explain this is birth parents only)
3)seeing whether just night reception in a less formal setting would be acceptable

At the end of the day, it isn't you who has caused this problem, and he should be able to reach a compromise so that YOUR day isn't ruined.

Normally I would say invite her, she is your fathers long term partner, but her behaviour has been atrocious, less than polite and gracious. I would have a talk to your dad, tell him your concerns and ask him for his views. Susan sounds vile, yes it is your special day, it should have happy memories for you, can't change things if all goes wrong, it should not be marked by Susan's bad behaviour.

You, your sister and your Mum would all have to suffer Susan if she is invited.

She would actually be a liability in terms of her behaviour even if this were not the case. It seems it will be when, not if she plays up.

The only reason to inviter her is because you don't want to hurt your Dad's feelings. Your Dad acts oblivious to her behaviour, but I really doubt that he could be after she acted up at your sisters wedding. You also say you don't have the type of relationship where you could discuss this with him, he should at least listen and accept your concerns but I'm assuming he won't.

This is your wedding day, invite your Dad, tell him Susan is not invited and why. It is his choice if he chooses not to face the issue. Then go ahead and have your lovely wedding.

Thanks so much for all of your input.

I have decided I will invite her. I will offer my dad the option of sitting on the top table without her or sitting on another table with her.

I'm already anticipating that my dad won't be happy with this and may decide not to come. However he might also be unhappy with my decision to walk down the aisle by myself rather than on his arm.

At my sister's wedding he kicked up a huge fuss because she wanted all the ushers/best man/father of bride in the same suits (she paid for them all) and he didn't want to wear it as it was from M+S and not designer (he still goes on about having to wear a 'shit suit' every time the wedding is mentioned. So there is much potential for him to get upset.

Ultimately I want my mum to enjoy the day so I will stick to my guns. If he decides not to come because of the seating plan, I will of course be upset but for once I'm going to stand my ground and not do what he wants at the expense of other people's feelings.

Thanks again to everyone for your suggestions.

Oh and another thing. I'm going to put Susan on a table with 2 of my very strong, opinionated and loyal female friends and ask them to keep an eye on what she drinks. They won't let her drink more than her share because they will want it! If she kicks off they will be capable of handling her discreetly.

Glad you've come up with a plan that you are happy with. Hope you have a lovely wedding.

My goodness your brave, your dad also sounds like a right charmer too!

Sounds like a good plan. A dear friend of mine had a similar situation to deal with, and she had a similar arrangement. Her dads partner was thankfully very sensitive to the situation and kept a very low profile throughout the day. She sat at a table away from the top table and it was only when the dancing started that I saw her with friends dad.

Friend too didn't want her dad ro walk her down the aisle so her dh to be net her at the church door and they walked down together, it was lovely.

She also had both parents give a speech as she didn't want her dad to do that at the exclusion of her mum.

I hope you have a lovely day.

I think you sound lovely and reasonable and they could learn from you!

I went to a wedding with similar issue and they very elegantly solved the problem thus.

No top table. Lots of round tables of 10/12, and each was allocated a host from the wedding party. Each host had their other half and people they knew well on their table.

It worked really, really well and speaking for my own wedding nothings dullervthan the straight line top table as you can only speak to those either side of you. As this was DH and our Best Man my meal was super dull as neither could speak they'd done their speech.

Enjoy your day.

Ps your mam sounds very ladylike. Unlike Sue.

Why are you being so nice to Susan and your Dad, they really don't seem to care much about anyone themselves? If the situation was reversed I'm sure they would act selfishly and not consider anyone's feelings but their own.

I had to usher a wedding where the abandoned wife and the ex husband and new wife and family were invited. The brother of the groom had had a nervous breakdown when his dad left and he had to leave the ceremony as he was crying, I had to sit with DH between the estranged parents, the mother of the groom was muttering and shifting in her seat and throwing looks of hate at her ex husband the entire time and at one point we did think there would be a fight. Not the wedding I remember with any fondness.

Miggsie: it's taken me a very long time to get to this point. I'm not that nice to them, I've only seen my dad 3 times this year and haven't seen Susan for nearly a year. We do have a strained relationship. However my dad would be very hurt if he was excluded from my wedding. He is very selfish but having watched one of my parents behaving selfishly all my life and the other behaving with dignity, I'd rather follow my mum's example.

Having said that, I could well still piss him off with my plans. But talking about it here has helped me to see that the plan I have is the one that I feel is fairest and if dad can't agree with that I will stand my ground.

If that's what you want to do, go for it.

Stick Susan on a table with people who will keep an eye on her, ideally place her close to a door so they can get her out of there with minimum fuss. Tell your Dad that your Mum is your priority and if Susan behaves in the same way as she did at your sister's wedding, they will both be asked to leave. Mean it. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he obviously didn't worry about yours.

Sorry, OP, but I think you're really doing the wrong thing.

It is more important that your mum and your sister have a good day, particularly as Susan was badly behaved at your sister's wedding, when things weren't as bad between you, and she slags off your mum at every opportunity.

Susan's happiness is not important to you.

Your dad treated your mum very badly in the past and doesn't stop Susan from criticising her to you and your sister. He has not had to pay a price for this behaviour.

I would say to your dad that your mum is really important to you. Say that your sister is really important to you, too. Remind him that at your sister's wedding, Susan behaved badly and treated your mum like second best. Remind him that she criticises your mum all the time.

Tell him that your mum has always been there for you - the subtext of course is that he hasn't. Say that you are only getting married once and that you want your mum and your sister to have a really happy day. Say that if Susan comes, they won't have a happy day - they will be on edge. Say that if Susan had been able to behave herself and hadn't badmouthed your mum, then she would have been welcome.

Tell him you love him and that you want him there, but you can't have anyone there who isn't a friend of the family.

And your lovely friends deserve to have a good time without having to look after a drunk insulting husband chaser!

I thought I'd give you an update on this. Everyone started sticking their oar into our plans and we got pissed off with the whole thing. We have changed the date and we're getting married abroad at the end of next year instead.