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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 19:25

really msscarlett? would you demand that the nurses move your new baby from where he is on the ward that is set up to deal with him to another ward? would you put that extra unnecessary on an already understaffed ward?

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 19:27

HarryHill, I hear you. If I am ever on a postnatal ward, if DP is asked to leave, I will leave too, and if our baby is ill, then it will not be on a postnatal ward.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 19:27

*Same can be said of any ward then Sleepyspaniel. Anytime you're admitted to hospital. The women on the ward can just as easily be criminals.

And it'd be you, your new baby, and your husband/partner/allocated guest, I'd imagine.*

But they would be fellow patients!

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 19:29

If your baby is in SCUBU it won't be a problem .

Why are you so insistent your DH stays?

KatAndKit · 15/11/2011 19:29

Firstly the NHS is not a heap of shit and we are very lucky to have it.

I am expecting my first next year and this has made me think. Of course, I would love to have my own partner with me in hospital. last time I had to stay overnight I was miscarrying (admitted from A&E at about 1am) and he was allowed to stay with me in the chair through the night. This wasn't on a maternity ward obviously. I was in a right state and was grateful that I wasn't abandoned there, especially as I had arrived alone and he had driven 45 minutes in the night to get back to me.

BUT I can totally see the point of view on here that I would not want strange men being able to see me virtually topless and bleeding from the vagina is embarrassing enough as it is without a male audience to make it worse. Also I agree that the wards are already too crowded to double the number of adults. Not to mention all the security issues.

I have ended up agreeing that men shouldn't be allowed overnight. Other patients in the hospital do not have to put up with mixed sex wards and washing facilites so why should new mothers be exempt from this pledge from the government?

Ideally more midwife led birthing centres and private rooms in hospitals would be the solution. But until this does happen, women who have just had a baby should be afforded the same rights to single sex accommodation as all the other patients in the hospital.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 19:29

"if our baby is ill, then it will not be on a postnatal ward."

my son was. what would you do if they said they weren't moving your baby to another ward? (because there would be no reason to in my situation)

OddBoots · 15/11/2011 19:29

It is possible that a sick baby would be on a postnantal ward, in our local hospital when a baby is unwell but not needing SCBU then they are cared for on part of the postnantal ward called Transitional Care where there are more midwives and specialists.

CustardCake · 15/11/2011 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nulgirl · 15/11/2011 19:30

So miss scarlet- you will really leave if they ask you to stay for observation? I stayed in 3 nights with ds because he needed iv antibiotics. He was not ill enough to merit special care but they certainly didn't want him to go home. Would you really remove the child from the hospital in these circumstances. If so, you have serious issues to deal with before you embark on another pregnancy.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 19:32

People say they'd leave, etc with their poorly baby but ime it's all talk and when push comes to shove they don't.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 19:32

When have I said I would remove a child from a hospital?

Sleepyspaniel · 15/11/2011 19:34

"Same can be said of any ward then Sleepyspaniel. Anytime you're admitted to hospital. The women on the ward can just as easily be criminals. And it'd be you, your new baby, and your husband/partner/allocated guest, I'd imagine."

MsScarlett. Indeed the PATIENTS could be criminals or of dubious character. That cannot be helped. However, men on postnatal wards are not patients, so their prescence (or lack of at night) can be helped. Are you being deliberately obtuse?

As for me, my new baby and my husband/partner/allocated guest - there you go, assuming that I would want someone staying with me! What if I don't? What are you suggesting, that by having someone with me it cancels out other women's guest/husband etc? Or that I have "protection" of some sort? What of the women with no partner or guest then?

You are clutching at straws.

worraliberty · 15/11/2011 19:35

My son came out grey and lifeless and had to be resussitated twice.

He was fine after that but they strongly advised me to keep him there for 24hrs so he could sleep on a heated matt in the cot and be monitored.

This was on the postnatal ward and my DH was not allowed to stay in with us MsScarlett

nulgirl · 15/11/2011 19:35

So where would you go? Are you all going to camp in the cafe? They are not going to let your dc have a bed in special care that could be used by a very poorly child. You seem very dogmatic and haven't thought things through very well.

oldraver · 15/11/2011 19:36

Miss Scarlet... why are you and your DH soooo important that you and you alone can be the sole one 'waiting outside in a corridor?

If your baby ends up in SCBU you will be lucky to get 10 days in hospital. I believe there are some hospitals that have acccomodation but few have

In a ideal world yes we would have all private rooms with facilities for a spare bed for a partner to stay.(my folks lived in Spain and this is how they work, they encourage someone to stay overnight), yes we would have private little suites on SCBU for parents to live in (hell mine didnt even allow a microwave so we could eat hot food) but the simple fact is the NHS doesnt provide this and no amount of you stamping your feet saying "I wouldn't tolerate this" will cut any ice.

FWIW.... I would like to praise the excellent Ante/Post Natal care I received. All the midwifes were very caring and professional, I know they worked hard were always there when you needed them, They came running when a buzzer was pressed though I did see the pissed-offness at the woman who rang it for them to fetch her formula/her dinner/change her baby

NinthWave · 15/11/2011 19:36

This is why I was so thankful for my natural deliveries and 6-hour discharges. I wanted to be with my DH, so I made sure I got out of there ASA frigging P! Would have had homebirths but was high-risk both times.

I know there are some hopsitals that have birthing units where husbands/partners can stay for the first night, but they are private rooms.

I was much, MUCH happier at home under a blanket in front of the TV than shuffling about on a ward in front of umpteen strangers. I would have hated to stay any longer than strictly necessary.

spamm · 15/11/2011 19:37

When my son was ill and in hospital for 2 nights for breathing problems at 18 months, we were told that 1 parent could stay. It never occurred to me to dispute it and demand that both of us could stay - I was grateful that at least one of us could be with him overnight.

I suppose that is the difference. I just thought about what was the best for my son's welfare AND complied with the hospital's rules and the needs of other patients. It was not about me and what I needed.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 19:38

Missscarlett, leave g a ward is as good as leaving the hospital. I work if you said you were take g baby to spend the night in the corridor.....well that would be your choice. Wed probably involve social services and get baby brought back to the ward but we wouldn't be taking responsibility for the health of a baby in the corridor. I doubt we'd come and check on the baby as that would mean leaving the ward staffed with only one midwife which would not be safe. You're either on the ward and a patient or you're not on the ward and you're discharged. No inbetween. As a parent you'd have to take responsibility for your actions including any which put your baby at risk.

misdee · 15/11/2011 19:38

before i had ds at the beginning of this year i would've agreed with not having strange men on the ward.

however after i had ds there was a bed shortage, and i was placed in a room with a lady who had had an EMCS, still on delivery ward, not post natel. they kicked her husband out. this lady was still out of it after her op, she couldnt care for her baby as was too out of it, couldnt even pick her up and feed her. i felt so much for that lady as she kept saying sorry to me as having to call the nurses in disturbed me as i was next to the door. I would've happily let her husband stay and even said he didnt have to leave. at a few points in the night, the lady was istressed, so was her baby so i helped her the best i could. a lot of heart ache could've been saved if they just let her husband stay.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 19:39

scarlett what would you do if faced with my situation?

attheendoftheday · 15/11/2011 19:40

HarryHill I think this is absolutely a feminist issue, but I see it differently to you. The idea that women are failures (or soft, need to grow a pair, whatever) for wanting the support of their partners during a physically and psychologically difficult episode is unhelpful. I think that sending men home feeds into the belief that babies are the sole responsibility of their mother's, regardless of how ill the mother is. I think that it is an example of society enforcing a model of how a family should work regardless of the choices of that family.

I can't see partners being able to stay on mixed wards, I think it would be better to focus on new maternity wards being equipped with private rooms, and look at partners being able to stay then. I also think that work needs to be done to improve the bad experiences many women (myself included) had on the wards. That is not a get at midwives, more a get at staffing levels, training and supervision of staff.

I think the way men are being portrayed is quite OTT, though. Any of the women you share a ward with could equally be drug addicts, violent criminals etc. Most of them would be fine, I think.

Andrewofgg · 15/11/2011 19:41

My nephew and his DP have had their baby in hospital for long periods - now doing well - and one of them stayed 24/7 and was never asked to leave.

I stayed long after official hours when my stepfather was about to die, until I simply had to go and get some sleep - and I found that the key was to be helpful; when a nurse, herself pregnant, was about to move some boxes I did it for her, little things like that. It makes all the difference between having rules applied strictly and a blind eye being turned.

lisad123 · 15/11/2011 19:42

Would they all be police checked? Grin

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 19:45

the thing as andrew, as helpful as i'm sure you were. other people will be more of a hindrance. people getting in the way of the nurses doing their jobs. people being disruptive at night, people having rows with their partners, people upsetting new mothers. all these people exist and some of them would avail of a rule that allowed them to stay with their partner overnight. i feel for all the midwives on viv's ward that will have to deal with them all whilst trying to do an alreay hard job.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 19:46

I agree ATEOTD. It's laughable the stereotypes of the typical bloke that are being thrown around on this thread. But that's ok because it's in the name of Feminism.