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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think you don't say to a 5 year old

87 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 13/11/2011 19:39

if you eat too many biscuits you will get fat and if you get fat you will get teased and you don't like being teased....

i know it is important to teach them to eat healthily but i am not convinced this is the right way to go about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

rocksandhardplaces · 13/11/2011 20:09

It's not actually a foregone conclusion that the fat kid will get bullied, you know! There were a few heavy kids in school with me. Some were popular, some were terrifying, some were mocked.

I don't see the point in making such a big deal of it and would agree, you just keep saying NO. That's it. NO. You can't have any because I said so. End of story. It's not up for negotiation. I say you've had enough. "You can have some fruit or cheese intead if you're still hungry, biscuits are treats" would be the closest I would come to providing a rationale. This is a five year old.

slavetofilofax · 13/11/2011 20:10

I would say that too many biscuits makes you fat, but I wouldn't say the bit about being fat means you will be teased.

Being fat does not guarantee teasing. But children do need to know why they can't eat a whole packet of biscuits, so I think it's much better to sy 'No, it will make you fat and that is unhealthy' rather than just 'No'.

AgentZigzag · 13/11/2011 20:10

It's not even a foregone conclusion that eating more biscuits than your mum thinks are OK will make you fat either.

rookiemater · 13/11/2011 20:11

I don't think its a great thing to say because it implies that it's ok to tease a child because they are fat and it's their own fault that they are being teased which is not a good life lesson to learn.

DS is ok weight wise but could get too big if we let him indulge his sweet tooth all the time. I try to explain that the reason we limit crisps and biscuits is because they are not healthy and it is better to eat other foods such as fruit in between meals as they are better if you want to grow up tall and strong.

Don't whatever you do say what DH started saying one day until I kicked him energetically under the table which was "If you eat too many sweeties you will get fat like XXXX in your class who can't run, would you like to be that fat?" which is absolutely dreadful. Children of 5 notice when someone looks different but certainly DS does not stigmatise them because of it and the longer before that behaviour starts the better.

SenseofEntitlement · 13/11/2011 20:11

I just say "No, you need to eat something different now"

nooka · 13/11/2011 20:15

I think it's always useful for children to learn that when mum/dad says "no" then no amount of wheedling is going to make any difference. I don't think I've ever told my children that they would get fat if they ate too many biscuits and I certainly wouldn't say that they would get poorly (although I understand the logic, it just doesn't sit right with me). I might tell them that they will feel sick if they eat too much, but that's more of a direct effect. But my children have always been pretty thin and I don't think that eating four or five biscuits instead of the one or two that I might dole out (stingy mum) woudl really make much odds. I'd be more inclined to say no because there won't be any left for tomorrow/other people.

The eat more biscuits -> get fat -> get teased -> get upset doesn't seem a good approach. Too pejorative, and too long term for a five year old in any case.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 13/11/2011 20:21

I would never say that to DD (3.10). I stick to no, you've already had xx and that's enough for one day. And then just repeat repeat repeat. As nook says, once I say no and have said why, I'm immovable.

She knows that there are foods (that are nice, fortunately she likes veg etc) that make you grow and foods that are just nice but don't make you grow and that we watch how much of the foods that don't make you grow we eat every day.

MumToTheBoy · 13/11/2011 20:22

I have to tell my ds (5) 'no more, you'll be sick', or he will literally eat everything in the cupboard/ fridge. He is very tall and skinny so no worries about him getting overweight but I do worry about his teeth and his general health!

RomanKindle · 13/11/2011 20:22

I just try to be honest. Eating to much/too little isn't good for your health. I think it is better to give that message than the message fat = unsightly = you will be teased which could in a childs mind equal skinny = beautiful = being treated well.
If dd asked me if eating a lot of junk would make you fat I would be honest and say yes but I would try and talk more about the health implications of regular over/under eating rather than focussing on fatness being bad.

A1980 · 13/11/2011 20:28

When I was a child my mother told me, you'll get a fat bum, you'll get a spotty bum, etc if you eat too many sweets, chocolate, etc etc. I don't have an eating disorder and never have.

However how is the 5 year old able to eat too many biscuits? Perhaps because the parents buy them. If you don't want your children eating too many biscuits and getting fat, don't fucking buy biscuits. If they're not in the house, they can't eat them. It isn't rocket science.

PavlovtheCat · 13/11/2011 20:29

I would never ever say this to DD. It is not her responsibility to govern what she eats at this age and to understand the enormity of what damage could be done to her body at this age. She should not have to fear being fat at 5. It is the responsibility of the parent to decide how many biscuits that child eats. End of. There does not have to be a reason. Too many biscuits is simply not an option. She can learn about what is good for her and what isn't by healthy conversation about food, not through making her feel bad about something she does not even understand.

An absolutely ridiculous grown up thing to say to a little girl.

worraliberty · 13/11/2011 20:32

I think I can see where she was coming from.

There's little point in saying "You'll get fat and that's unhealthy, you'll rot your teeth etc"

Because kids don't really care about that sort of thing.

They do however, tend to care about being teased so maybe it was her way of 'trying to get through on her level' IYSWIM.

whoopeecushion · 13/11/2011 20:33

To a 5yo, I would say that "if you eat too many biscuits, you could get fat and be less healthy". That is fact. The teasing is not a good addition to the argument!

RomanKindle · 13/11/2011 20:33

Not every child who's parents take the approach in the op will go on to develop an eating disorder. But susceptible kids will.

startail · 13/11/2011 20:40

Depends on the child, perfectly reasonable if you are talking were talking to me. I hated and still hate just being told to do or not do something. I always need a reason .

Strumpypumpy · 13/11/2011 20:43

Yanbu, but it was a child who repeated an adult expression I guess. I am having a battle with my DS at the moment who has taken the schools healthy eating message so literally, that he thinks everything is bad for him and wants to exist purely on water, fruit and vegetables. We constantly have to remind him about balanced eating. And we tell our two that nothing is bad in small quantities. DS is naturally skinny as a pencil and I wish he had a bit more fat on him! Scaremongering is not the right tactic. I doubt DS school think that they are being scary, but his reaction is fear.

JamieComeHome · 13/11/2011 20:46

I wouldn't mention getting fat (because that's not a foregone conclusion), and I wouldn't mention getting teased (because that appears to justify bullying)
NO is sufficient.

IsItMeOr · 13/11/2011 20:47

I'd go for the "No", repeated as needed. Possibly with a variation on Roman's theme of "Too many biscuits aren't good for you".

The "you will get fat" point is too long term for many adults, let along a 5 year old.

And the "you'll get teased" point is not nice.

Bibbo · 13/11/2011 20:54

I couldn't get away with just saying 'because you've had enough' to my dd (4) because she will just question why, why, why all the time!

So I have told her that eating too many sweets, biscuits etc makes people fat - it is a fact isn't it? have also told her it rots your teeth and not as full of healthy vitamins as fruit and veg etc.

But I wouldn't say, 'you'll get fat and people will tease you' - that makes a bit personal and I wouldn't want to make her paranoid about getting fat. I have tried to keep the discussion general ie it makes 'people' fat, not 'you' fat.

tbh I do worry a bit about this because she has a real sweet tooth. Also in our house we all love food - I love to cook, eat etc and she helps me in the kitchen all the time - I think a love of food can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the food!!

A1980 · 13/11/2011 21:01

I couldn't get away with just saying 'because you've had enough' to my dd (4) because she will just question why, why, why all the time!

You couldn't "get away" with telling your own daughter no and that's it? Do you owe a 4 yo an explanation for your decisions all the time? Call me old fashioned but what ever happened to "Becuase I'm your mother and I say so!" I would've got an earful if I kept on qustioning my mother once she'd said no to me. Parents kinda make a rod for their own back if they constantly explain their authority to their children. "No" should be enough.

Either that or as i said earlier if you don't want your DC's eating biscuits, don't buy them. They won't be whining for more if there aren't any in the house. Children do not need biscuits, they have little nutritional value and are just empty calories. Why buy them at all? I won't have them in the house.

JamieComeHome · 13/11/2011 21:04

A1980 - love that phrase - "call me old-fashioned".

I agree that not all parental decisions require an explanation. Sometimes when you explain you're just getting sucked into a negotiation or a smokescreen

A1980 · 13/11/2011 21:09

Sometimes when you explain you're just getting sucked into a negotiation or a smokescreen

Indeed. When I was a child No meant no. No amount of arguing would have changed my mother's mind. If I got told no, that was it. I didn't ask again. Now though, the word no is a starting point for negotiations. When you've you've parents who can't get away with saying no more biscuits to a 4 yo without a having having to explain herself to said 4 yo, you wonder what will happen when it's a 14 yo.

RomanKindle · 13/11/2011 21:10

I don't feel obliged to explain things to dd but I like to when I can. Presumably at some point you are going to tell your kids that it's bad for your health to regularly over/under eat. Otherwise what are they going to do when they move out and don't have mummy to ration their biscuits?

RomanKindle · 13/11/2011 21:11

Plus I think if kids are taught not to bother questioning things they won't learn a lot.

fannybanjo · 13/11/2011 21:12

I've had to explain to DD1 (9) who would eat us out of house and home that if she carries on eating the way she does, yes, she will gain weight. She understands my message whereas at 5, i wouldn't have dreamt of saying it to her. However some children whine and whine re food and I can understand sometimes a parent would snap.

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