to not understand the benefits of getting married?

[RitaMorgan]

Putting aside the romantic and religious reasons or the big party/lots of presents (lovely as that would be).

What exactly are the benefits of legally being married over just cohabiting, for a woman with children?

DP very definitely doesn't want to get married, I would quite like a big party/lots of presents but am not sure if there is any point to it beyond that.

AIBU? Should I be insisting on a trip to the Register Office?

Fred Fred I said that in my post if you re read it!

I don't really understand IHT. I don't have enough cash for it to apply to me but I know that the people in my family who do have gone to great lengths to organise their affairs in a timely manner.

The threshold really isn't that high though especially for those who have owned property for a long time.

lurkerspeaks I'm not jeopordising any assets thanks - DP and I jointly own our house and i'd be thrilled if either he or I had sufficient other assets to take us over the inheritance tax threshold! But thanks for your concern! As I said above, depending on decisions we make in the near future about insurance we may get close to the threshold - but knowing now about our house not being included as it's a shared asset (will definitely check that out with a solicitor before we make our insurance choices though) I don't think it's going to be an issue. If house prices go up (ha ha, not bloody likely!) we'll have to keep an eye on it, but I don't consider that a particularly onerous task! If our situation changes we'll re-assess!

I would agree that protecting yourself and your family is more important than ideology, but as things stand, I can stick to my personal preferences (and DPs too, for the record) and protect us all!

I never realised people put so much thought into the financial benefits of marriage as to whether they will do it or not. I was brought up with the belief that a marriage is made out of love and to bring children into.

We got married because we wanted to make the highest commitment possible to each other in front of our friends and family. I don't feel smug or superior in any way - Im just living my life with my Husband and children.

Having both been divorced and financially shafted in a big way previously we know the risks if our relationship fails but as I said we never got married to safeguard any kind of legal or financial position but merely show each other how much we loved each other.

I find it odd that some people find marriage a "hassle". In my experience it isn't. I don't feel that marriage carries any ideological baggage. I don't feel that I "belong" to anyone. I don't feel that anyone's expectations of me are different. I don't feel institionalised. I feel that OH and I are equal partners. I also don't have to "work" at it.

I realise that it is a very personal view, but I really don't understand why there are these perceptions about marriage.

Have read through most of the thread but not all so forgive me if someone has mentioned this and I've missed it.
I married my husband when I was eight and a half months pregnant after being together for 15 years. It was purely a legal thing for us. No rings, gifts, guests etc and if we could have drawn up a contract offering the same rights as marriage easily, we would have done so.

Three years later my husband died and despite having never referred to each other as husband or wife and having informed very few people, I was so glad that we had made the decision to wed. Had I not been the next of kin, I wouldn't have been able to agree to the decision to turn his life support off nor even register the death. The following months were also far easier as I was married ie insurances, pensions, bank accounts etc. We hadn't made wills as it never occurred to us that one of us would die!

We did not marry for romantic reasons, rather, that we thought it would make any legal things smoother. Turns out, it did.

Ignore my post then Bunbaker, I thought you were saying it was a hassle, which I didn't get!

trope I envy you your political and principled stand. I suspect we essentially have quite similar views on marriage.

I am (as you have probably gathered) all talk and no trousers and am prepared to compromise my principles if it makes life easier/ financially better.

I won't however sink to buying the Daily WAil. Now that would be breech in principles too far!

Bunbaker

"I realise that it is a very personal view, but I really don't understand why there are these perceptions about marriage."

Because your experiences aren't necessarily the same as those of other people? Because there are still a large number of people who believe in quite stereotypical views about what constitutes a "wife" and a "husband" (just look at threads on MN about getting men to do their fair share of housework to see some pretty dated attitudes from some people) and avoiding being a "wife" is one way of avoiding those views/comments from people.

Because marriage came about as a way of transferring a woman from her father's "ownership" to her husband and for some people that kind of history matters?

(Again - no judgement on those that disagree - think I might just copy & paste a signature saying "each to their own" into the bottom of every post! It's far too easy to offend when talking about something some people feel so passionate about!)

Apologies if I've missed a post but child IS illegitimate. In the eyes of the law at least. He was born outside wedlock.

Now that we are married we are legally obliged to register his birth in order to "legitimise" him.

Antiquated and ridiculous bit still the law.

You need to check the position on your house carefully. If you are joint tenants, you will inherit their share of the property; but the it'll be subject to IHT.

You may have set up insurances at the time which will cover the possible tax bill. Depending on how much property prices have risen since you bought, and what IHT assumptions you made at that point, you might need to look to see if any insurance remains sufficient.

I am also so bloody gobby that no one is interested in making me their wife. So this is all somewhat theoretical.

lurkerspeaks
"I won't however sink to buying the Daily WAil. Now that would be breech in principles too far!"

Absolutely! We all have to draw the line somewhere!!

Sorry, I meant to say MY child is illegitimate. Stoopid phone.

Doowop so sorry you had to go through all of that

scaevola sadly despite being quite organised and sorted on many financial matters, we bought in June 2007 - i.e. the absolute peak of the boom - not our smartest move! I would love for our house to be worth more than we paid for it, but sadly I doubt it is...

Clearly the position on IHT and joint tenants is a bit unclear - will indeed be sure to check/get advice before we confirm our insurance choices. (DP has new job which brings very lovely benefits package, with various options available to us, hence upcoming decisions on insurance etc).

I think the real point of getting married is that it does seal the deal. All at one go, done and dusted.

Of course it is possible to make other non-marriage arrangements but how many people do in reality sit down with a solicitor and their extended family and sort it all out? All those wise provisions stay in people's heads.

The real value of marriage for many comes when things are going horribly wrong. It is in extremis that you want things to be clear. When your partner is ill/dies is not the time you want to be trying to deal with legal fallout from a lack of documented agreements.

Marry/dont marry the choice is yours but if you dont marry do make sure that you make an appointment with the solicitor and dont put it off. None of us know what is round the corner.

This is so interesting how different we all are.

I hate the term partner and always correct people if they ask me about my partner. I don't have one, thank you very much!

I've been married, divorced, co-habited and am now a single parent of twins, so I've seen this debate from all sides.

I have concluded that what works best for one couple may work terribly for another. Each to their own Marriage has a very different significance depending on your position.

So, for example, women have tended to be much better off being married historically, especially once they become mothers. For SAHMs or second-earner WOHMS who don't have their own property, etc., it can still be beneficial, especially in the event of a split. If you have children together you can still enshrine all these rights in law through various means, but it is cheaper and easier to do it through marriage unless you have a conscious intellectual objection to marriage, in which case fair enough and go the alternative legal route. You should do something though. I'd be very wary of having children with a partner who refused to get married and who also refused to see a solicitor to ensure I had rights in the event of a separation or death.

However, with the rise in women working and more of us becoming breadwinners and property owners in our own right, marriage can sometimes end up being a stick to beat them with in the event of divorce. Some might say men have also felt this over the years, but then men don't usually end up being the ones having to pay out half their property/savings and still taking main responsibility for the children.

In terms of inheritance for children directly, it makes no difference whatsoever, even if the father is not named on the birth certificate.

doowop I'm very sorry for your loss - I can't imagine how awful that must have been.

I'm not picking at you here, so please don't take this the wrong way, but even unmarried you could have registered the death - see here and as linked above, there is no such thing as a legal next of kin giving you rights to make medical decisions, so turning off life support is something the doctors will discuss with you whether you are married or not. No doubt being married makes it clearer that you are the person best placed to be considered "next of kin" and inform doctors on what your husband would have wanted, but not being married does not preclude that happening either.

I don't doubt being married makes life easier in the event of things going wrong, simply because people will defer to you/paperwork may be more straightforward (particularly if you haven't planned for your death) and can understand the appeal of that. DP and I have considered that one of us could die (his Dad died suddenly 6 years ago, bringing that home to us all the more) and I honestly can't imagine having kids with someone without planning for what would happen in the event of one of us dying. That's just us though I guess, not everyone is as anal and over organised as me!

As a widow I would have been in a real mess financially without a marriage certificate-and don't think it won't happen-one day I was a happily married woman in my 20's with a baby and healthy fit DH and the next day I was a widow.
May sure that you get on really well with your DPs parents if he has an accident, especially abroad, if you don't get on they can cut you out of medical treatment and decisions.
All is well normally without the piece of paper-it is the abnormal that causes problems-and you don't realise until too late. Go to a solicitor if you don''t get married and get it sorted before you share a house, finances and DCs.

lookattheears I love partner - it's what we are in every way! The only issue with it is that (particularly since moving to Brighton) people hear partner and assume i'm half of a lesbian couple! Meeting 6'2" stubbly DP does usually disabuse them of that notion though!

This has been very interesting. Seems the only benefit for me is next of kin. Will have to give that some thought.

there is no such thing as a legal next of kin giving you rights to make medical decisions, so turning off life support is something the doctors will discuss with you whether you are married or not. No doubt being married makes it clearer that you are the person best placed to be considered "next of kin" and inform doctors on what your husband would have wanted, but not being married does not preclude that happening either.

Probably OK if you get on with DPs parents and family, but take great care if you don't get on.

Life threatening illnesses and death causes the problems.

If you are not going to get married I would do the insurance policy of getting on very well with DP's mother and making sure that she likes you.