to not understand the benefits of getting married?

[RitaMorgan]

Putting aside the romantic and religious reasons or the big party/lots of presents (lovely as that would be).

What exactly are the benefits of legally being married over just cohabiting, for a woman with children?

DP very definitely doesn't want to get married, I would quite like a big party/lots of presents but am not sure if there is any point to it beyond that.

AIBU? Should I be insisting on a trip to the Register Office?

I hate the words "illegitimate children" (as mentioned on this thread). It some how implies that my dd is less legitimate as a human because she was concieved and born out of wedlock- yuck!

I think marriage is a wonderful romantic commitment but was in the past used to ensure that women remained the property of men. Check out the old-fashined marriage vows. Children might do better if their parents are married but only if they are married HAPPILY.

Having kids is a result of biological forces in a greater way than they are a result of cultural forces. It is an unstoppable drive in humans and many children will be concieved as a result of affairs, one-night stands, contaception failure etc, etc. It is nature. Sex is not only enjoyable or possible within marriage.

Wrong. Children do better if their parents are married even in divorce, as has been mentioned numerous times.
If you have children, marriage protects them during and after that marriage.

Who protests too much? I think people are protesting just about enough actually!

It gets a bit tedious to be constantly told by others that something is important to you when it genuinely isn't. I don't know why some people can't simply accept that others have different belief systems and priorities to them. It would be like my Christian colleague telling our muslim colleague that she really does believe in God rather than Allah, honestly she does, she is just protesting too much!

It just isn't something that features in our wants and wishes for our lives. We are not anti-marriage in any way - if we woke up tomorrow and found that we had got drunk and run off to Gretna Green and got married we wouldn't sit around wailing and gnashing our teeth and wondering how quickly we could undo this terrible institution - after a few drinks we once even considered doing it while we were on holiday somewhere you could have it arranged quickly, because it seemed like a funny thing to do at the time. But it just doesn't matter and there are plenty of things to do with our time that do matter to us.

It is extremely discourteous for people to keep insisting that they know better than others how those others feel about something.

We're not animals, Toptrump. Most people choose when to have children and with whom.

I do feel that society makes unmarried or especially single women feel inferior to married women. I would love to get married to a decent man but I am too fat, smelly and ugly so noone has ever asked!

We had our two children out of wedlock. Didn't and don't give a fuck about that.

We got married when they were 4 and 2 because it made sense legally (apart from anything else my dh was about to apply for parental rights so we thought why not get married - the little matter of loving each other popped up too).

We were a happy, tight little unit as illegitmates and we are happy and tight now as smug marrieds.

toptramp - look at like this - those women who are trying to make unmarried women feel inferior by insisting that they are actually desperate to get married presumably believe this because they themselves were desperate to get married!

Otherwise they are just shit-stirring aren't they?

I disagree that we are not animals. humans are very animal - like when it comes down to it. Especially when it comes to sex- but mabe that's just me! I do agree that most people do choose whom to have kids with but also that there an awful lot of "accidents" too. Mabe there are just more accidents among the less evolved beasts like me!

I am totally pro- marriage to the extent that I feel inferior for not being married. Is that due to social pressure or my own instinct that it muct be the best set-up? I really can't decide in all honesty. I am a huge romantic but that has always driven the men in my life away -alas. I expect too much.

fastweb
It may be putting the boot in as a side effect but people have a right NOT to be considered married to the person they are living with!

The government are not going to give cohabitees rights so that they can be nasty to cohabitees or to teach them a lesson- they are not doing it so that people can have the choice over whether or not they can commit formally to another person.
It is simply morally wrong to place people under legal obligations that they have not expressly consented to as regards finances and property

I have no moral axe to grind over the sanctity of marriage, but, really it does get on my wick when people demand 'rights' that they could have easily obtained via marriage.

As for not wanting marriage but being for a 'civil union'. Marriage is a civil union. Everything -and I mean EVERYTHING else- is optional.

You wouldn't be able to have the 'civil union' of which you speak by just signing a piece of paper-you'd have to go through the same rigamorale of giving consent, I.D. and witnesses.

toptramp, animals don't have access to contraception and abortion.

Absolutely no difference at all soverylucky. The only difference is the name.
Oh, actually, there IS one: adultery cannot be used as a valid reason to end a civil partnership. Hardly a great thing for women whose civilly-partnered to a cheating arse of a man, is it?

But, apart from, that I see no other differences.

Why would you feel inferior about not being married?

It is true that animals don't have contraception or abortion but the sex drive is designed to produce babies and is by and large an animal drive. I think what annoys me is the whole no sex before marriage thing that used to be the done thing. It was designed so that men could keep track of who fathered their children wasn't it as much as being a religious thing? The feeling that extra marital babies are "illegitimate" is still deeply ingrained. As a non-Christian/believer I find this rather offensive. I felt ashemed when I had dd out of wedlock. WHY? It is only now I have grieved the nuclear family I have realised that this does not make me a slut, failure or whore.

Nobody should feel ashamed about having a child out of wedlock. I feel it deeply sad that they do.

As others including me have said before, marriage was a disaster for me because I was the higher earning partner and I effectively had to 'pay' for my husband to go off and shag someone else.

But there any theoretical parity between men and women ends.

I was the woman. I was left holding the two babies. My career bombed. I now am lucky to make £18k a year.

And the DC's father's behaviour has been appalling.

But there is an awful lot to be said for being in a committed married relationship before having children from a legal viewpoint and I can't change my mind on that one.

The moral/ Christian reasons I view as being a load of old hogwash. There is nothing inherently moral about marriage.

From a legal point of view it is better; but why? That's the question should it be better?

It's only better if you earn less, own less and have have brought less into the marriage.

And don;t forget - when husbands and fathers walk away, they can't be required to see their own children.

Not read this thread but adding my tuppence worth Irresponsible as it may seem, I would not get married for a million quid. I can and do and have for years managed life (pre and post kids) without being married. I am not necessarily destined to find one person for the rest of my life.

Not a chance would I ever marry anyone. And I have been asked. Properly, with a ring and everything. Twice.

And thank god I am not married as I had to evict my lying toerag of a partner (of 7 years) a month ago.

I've never felt anything negative about having a child without being married, but then I think it is more unusual to be married before you have a child these days, particularly if you are under 30.

usualsuspect - why are you even asking that question? Whatever Toptrumps answer is you won't get it, because you don't believe in marriage. To you, being unmarried doesn't make you feel inferior but others it does and they won't get why you want to stay unmarried.

Marriage to me, separates all the old boyfriends/partners I had but didn't commit to spending my whole life with, from DH who I did. Not being married to DH wouldn't make this relationship any more special than those that had gone before. Being married elevated it to something better and more worthwhile for me.

I don't think any amount of discussion is going to change people's viewpoint though. You feel how you feel.

Having said that, I was recently invited to the wedding of somebody who swore, when I first met her that she didn't want to marry her partner. Something changed her mind. I think it was not being taken seriously by her DP/H's family and always being seen by them and not quite a permanent fixture and not somebody to consider, despite her having 3 DC with him. So, there is nothing to stop you changing your mind I suppose but I suspect she is in the minority.