to have said something to my friend re: calpol use?

[Piggyleroux]

I am a bit worried that I have messed up here by not being able to keep my gob shut.

I have just got back from staying with an old friend for a week. She has a 7 mo dd. we have known each other for about 20 years (college together) so have a solid friendship (until now possibly).

Basically, she gave her dd calpol every day at least twice because she is teething. She said that she gets through at least a bottle a month because of teeth, colds etc. Her dd has had a cold pretty much since she was about three months old which I wonder if it is due to having so much pain relief it is affecting her body's inflammatory response.

I said this to my friend who shouted at me and asked me what to suggest if her dd was in pain. My dh is a doctor so i have a little knowledge about medicine and now that it can cause harm as well as good. This was on thursday, I left yesterday and the atmosphere was a bit frosty.

Aibu to have said something to here?

Well its not very strong I don't think, what does your dh think?

A bottle a month is ridiculous! You were right to have said something.

Do you think your friend is anxious or depressed? Surely any normal person would realise she is medicating her baby excessively?

You'll get two answers on this forum:

YABU - Her DD, her choice. Do you know how bad her teething is, maybe she needs it?
YANBU - You shouldn't use it so much because it's dangerous. You were harmlessly pointing that out.

Either way, you've already said something to her. Whatever people say on here won't change the fact she was offended by what you said. If people agree YANBU and should of said something, what would you do, expect her to come crawling back to you? She won't, because she thinks she's in the right.

Whatever people say on here you need to apologise, doesn't matter if you think YABU or YANBU because you're friend thinks you were and if you want to stand your ground you need to accept you probably won't be friends for a long time and if you do apologise you might salage your 20 year friendship and have to bite your tongue in the future unless it's someting life threatening.

Text her saying sorry you interferred with her parenting, you were just concerned and thought you were doing the right thing and are upset you came across that way. Simple.

I would have said something too. How long has she been having the medicine daily for?

I have bottles of medicine going out of date we use it so rarely, I have 2 under 5 and haven't used anything for at least 6months I would estimate?

The bottle does say not to use for more than 3 days in a row before speaking to a Dr, I would suggest she talks to the GP about it first of all. If they didn't, I would consider having a word with the health visitor about your concerns.

As a CM (and as an advanced paediatric first aider) I think this is excessive use. I am often stymied by how often my own parents (of mindees) use Calpol as a first option, when it shouldn't be. If a child starts having a temp in my care I always try and get it down naturally first, and, depending on the temp, and rate of it climbing, I use Calpol as a last resort (whilst waiting for the parent/s to collect).

I would give your friend time to calm down, she will be going over the conversation over and over in her mind I assure you.. and will realise she lashed out at you. She's obviously quite stressed re her child and needs guidance.

While your heart was probably in the right place, you come off as being slightly condescending. Sorry, but I don't think being the having a DH who is a doctor is actually any sort of medical qualification. The comment " My dh is a doctor so i have a little knowledge about medicine and now that it can cause harm as well as good " is fairly telling in two ways.

1. you have some daft idea that being a doctor's wife automatically means you have viable medical knowledge, which is complete nonsense.
2. you do not KNOW how to spell "know", which you put at "now"

As you are not there on a daily basis and do not know the actual extent of her child's illnesses, I would say your best course of action would have been to simply say to her "gosh, maybe you should check with your GP, they might be able to recommend some other alternatives that may provide her with relief." You're then giving her the advice to check into it further, without directly criticising a situation that you're not horribly familiar with (and not qualified to judge).

I have had patches where I get through a lot of calpol when DS is teething, then ill etc all in one go, so can see how she might have gotten through a bottle in one month. But more than that and I think you were right to voice your concern...
I would call her to apologise as suggested above (apologise for mentioning but try to explain why you did), perhaps try and word it that you were worried that calpol doesnt seem to be helping and you were worried that her DD was in pain and might need to try something different...?
FWIW, DS was diagnosed with possible asthma (hes only 1 though ) and I worried that it was linked to calpol use (having only found out the link after). Maybe explain that you dont want her to blame herself for anything like this in the future...? (that might be a bit too nosy though, but maybe it looks less like youre being judgy and more like you're concerned?)

YABU and interferin6.

I have a 3 year old, who 6ot sick with every tooth, very sick. He has been well since he stopped teethin6 and hasn't had any medication in 2 years. When he was teethin6 all i talked about was teethin6 and calpol intake. In an effort to li6hten the mood/or durin6 particularly bad bouts of teethin6 a parent may over estimate the rate of calpol consumption.

I remember 6ettin6 funny looks from some interferin6 people at the time, of course they are alot more understandin6 now that they have their own babies.

While I am sure you are well meanin6, you are callin6 your friend's parentin6 into question. You can't expect her to thank you for it/put up with it.

Great post JAMW.

DD had Febrile Convulsions as a baby and recently had Glandular Fever,went through bottles of the stuff-don't think we even had Calpol in the house for most of the 11years inbetween

Interesting use of 6s, Molly :o. I'd agree that YABU. Our GP told us that long term use of Calpol was fine, if needed. DD used to get a lot of burst ear drums and infected ears, and I was always worried that she shouldn't have Calpol for more than 3 days. He said not to worry about it, and that it was perfectly harmless, and that there were some children who had to have Calpol daily for more serious conditions.

hell, I have 3 kids and two of them have been catching every bug and cold going for the last 2 months. The third split her head open a few months back and needed stitches.

I bought a bottle of neurofen yesterday for the first time since before the summer holidays, and it was precautionary, the last one still has a few doses in it. We've had a bottle of dozol (paracetomol with antihistamines) on the go since I bought it for ds1 when he was 3.5, he's 5 now and it still has a good bit left in it. In fact it should probably be dumped as it's most likely gone off.

So a bottle a month for a baby seems really excessive from my point of view.

That said, sometimes even when morally we're doing the right thing by speaking out, it can be the worst possible thing for a relationship as no-one likes to hear a friend or relative tell them they're parenting wrong.

Blimey - I'm glad my friends are a lot less touchy than yours!

Have a think about how you said it - that's probably where the problem lies.

Long term calpol use is safe.

The issue here is why she is using it. If a child is genuinely in pain or has a fever then obviously administering Calpol is a sensible option.

You were wrong to interfere and like it or not that is what you have done so you should apologise.

A bottle a month sounds excessive. As a friend of 20 years, you should have been able to say something politely without having your head snapped off. Your friend was far too defensive and I suspect she feels guilty about potentially overdosing her baby.

Some bottles are very small...we got through a fair bit when DD was teething and had ear infections at the same time.. (on advice of Doc I might add)

Well, I think almost everyone would agree that she's using far too much Calpol. Either (a) her daughter is really in so much pain that she needs a bottle a month, in which case there is some underlying problem that needs medical attention, or (b) her daughter doesn't need nearly that much pain relief.

But if you actually told her that her daughter's cold was "due to having so much pain relief it is affecting her body's inflammatory response." then you will have come across as interfering and talking out of your backside, which is never a good combination and was never going to have the effect you hoped for.

I think if you had been going to say something then I would have pitched it at the "if she's in that much pain I think you should take her to see a GP and tell them how much Calpol you are having to give, so that they can rule out any underlying problem" angle. That way the GP has the chance to talk to her about Calpol use.

Do you think she might have PND/be otherwise struggling to cope with normal baby behaviour?

PS, my husband is an IT expert, I can't even remember his proper job title and know virtually nothin6 about his area of expertise.

YABU to think having a DH who is a Doctor gives you a little knowledge; I would be quite worried if my DH thought having a wife who is a pharmacist meant he could give medical advice.

On the other hand I don't think you were entirely wrong to question her, but it could have been done more tactfully with a few suggestions of what to do instead.

It would also depend on what size bottle of calpol she was buying - 100mls wouldn't go far on a snotty, teething child.

For those of you suggesting she is overdosing her child - she really isn't. The recommended amount twice a day is quite safe. If she is using it appropriately or not is another question, but the child is not at risk of an overdose.

If she's getting thru that much I doubt very much she's buying the little bottles, it's much more cost effective to buy big ones.

It becomes less effective if used regularly. I think you were right to question it, OP. Not because it's necessarily wrong for her DD, but it's fair enough to ask if it's truly necessary because there are drawbacks to such frequent use (aside from cost or risks of overdose). She shouldn't have become so defensive; if she knows it's right for her child there's nothing to be upset about when asked. I guess we'd have to know your exact words, but it sounds like you wondered something out loud/asked a question, not the same as saying "you're wrong", is it?

"I doubt very much she's buying the little bottles" Some people just do. It's not really something you can just assume one way or the other. Just because it's cost effective doesn't mean she's buying the larger bottles.

"It becomes less effective if used regularly." Sorry that is wrong too; it's true of codeine based analgesics, but not paracetamol.

I do think that is an astonishing amount of calpol.

YANBU to say something, but I think you should have suggested she go to her GP, as it has gone on so long, especially since she could get it free, prescribed. That way you would have come over less judgy and more helpful.

It worries me that people over-medicate their children, even if it is none of my business. I am not a doctor though, and neither are you, so YABU to conclude anything about her daughters cold.

YABU to interfer But if you are going to and she has been using it that long constantly perhaps a better approach would have been to point out the instruction on the bottle that if you use it consistently for 2 (or is it 3) days you need to consult a doctor

elizabethdarcy I do however vehemently disagree with with the try and bring it down naturally approach. Having had 2 who have had seizures possibly temperature related I would much rather see children have something that guarantees the temperature comes down.