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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to kill my 17 year old son?

58 replies

cricketballs · 12/11/2011 11:11

have name changed as this can out me!

after a £20 note went missing this week from a collective pot, the only person who could have taken it is my 17 year son who goes to college. He denied it and myself and dh decided as we couldn't prove anything to leave it alone, but leave the general pot of money where he can't find it.

I will admit that I have been snooping as I saw him bring in a shopping bag full of 'crap' that I know he didn't have the money for whilst he was on his driving lesson (that we pay for) and despite him being a very active sportsman tobacco and cigarettes. Called dh and he suggested taking them and not saying anything....I carried on looking around and found an empty half bottle of vodka, more cigarettes, lighter, half box of condoms (at least he is using them!)

I know that I was in the wrong for snooping, but I really can not believe what I have found and I do not know what to do - tackle him, leave it? At the moment I am of the mind to stop funding him completely as we pay for all his college stuff, give him money if he needs it - although we have both told him that he needs to find a part time job as we can not continue to fund at this level

OP posts:
lemonbonbons · 12/11/2011 11:14

Yanbu but the title of the post is.

YardBroom · 12/11/2011 11:16

I would let him know exactly what you have found, and ask how he funds it.

Tell him straight that you will no longer be giving him any extra money as he is spending it on things you do not approve of.

If he is going to smoke, he will, and there is not much you can do about it.

I would keep on with the driving lessons and push him towards getting a job. Otherwise all the money spent on the lessons so far will go to waste. Hopefully by the time he has passed and with the stresses of his a levels out of the way, he will want to put his money towardes a car and other things.

Not easy though but best not to get into a complete rage, even though it would feel good to get it out, it is just not worth it.

DownbytheRiverside · 12/11/2011 11:17

He needs a part-time job, and a discussion from you both.
Your title is OTT though, and I'm the parent of a 17 YO DS.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 11:18

of course yabu.

it's £20. you dont want to kill someone over £20. get a grip.

MotherPanda · 12/11/2011 11:18

YAB a little unreasonable to be considering murder.

Tackle him for gods sake! Otherwise he will think he's being very clever and gotten away with it - he's bloody well old enough to know better and if you let this slide he'll contine this sort of behaviour into his adult life (I know this from my brother...)

don't give him money anymore - buy him things if you want to, but dont give him cash - unless you don't mind what its spent on.

I had a paper round from 13, and paid for all luxuries myself from this age.

YardBroom · 12/11/2011 11:19

I don't think the OP means the title in any way shape or form.

Presume it's one of thos "I could kill him" exasperations more than anything else tbh

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 11:20

and apart from the vodka, he is doing nothing wrong. he is allowed to smoke and have sex. i dont get this "i cant believe what i have found" it's hardly a cannabis factory in his built in wardrobe is it?

Original poster
cricketballs · 12/11/2011 11:22

thought I had name changed Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
cricketballs · 12/11/2011 11:23

its a saying - not that I am literally thinking about doing that deed ffs

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 12/11/2011 11:24

Id not support his smoking, he can get a job to support drinking, having sex and smoking. Id have been gutted to have found my 17 year old having sex. My eldest was at least 19.

squeakytoy · 12/11/2011 11:26

I think having safe sex is a lot better for his health than drinking or smoking Fabby!, and it is legal at 17!

The stealing is bad, and needs a severe bollocking, but I think murder is a bit extreme!

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 11:27

duh!! of course i know you aren't thinking about doing it. it's just a stupid over dramatic, unnecessary thing to say. it's an over reaction. you dont want to kill him so dont say it.

yeah fabby, 19? is that what they told you?

BarmyBiscuit · 12/11/2011 11:28

Gutted at having sex at 17? Wow. With those views I'm not surprised he told you he didn't have sex until 19

BupcakesandCunting · 12/11/2011 11:29

Fabby, do you not think that being that involved in your over-sixteen's sex life is a bit weird? Knowing when they are having sex is weird. And creepy.

If he's over 16 and his, erm, partner is too, it's none of anyone else's business.

YANBU for being angry about the theft of the money though. I would make him do chores to the value of £20 i.e wash up for the week/clean the car/clean the windows. Teach him a lesson.

Original poster
cricketballs · 12/11/2011 11:38

I am not that bothered about the condoms; as least he is being sensible. I am more bothered about sneakiness of it all.

We have told him ever since he was a young teenager that whilst I will allow him to have to odd lager when with us, if I have found out that he was drinking spirits before 18 I would hit the roof (there is a big problem of kids drinking vodka on the street corners around) so that is upsetting me.

I am not sure about the smoking thing - I know he is old enough he is saying that he is saving them for a 'mate' but I think it has just come as a shock that he is a young man....

OP posts:
DownbytheRiverside · 12/11/2011 11:39

'thought I had name changed'

We'll all pretend that you have. What would you like to be called?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 11:42

"We have told him ever since he was a young teenager that whilst I will allow him to have to odd lager when with us, if I have found out that he was drinking spirits before 18 I would hit the roof "

so firstly you make it into a taboo, then you tell him there will be terrible consequence if he does.

of course he is going to do it and of course he is going to be sneaky about it!!

if you knew you were in for a ball chewing over something, you would hide it too.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/11/2011 11:43

I'd make sure I wasn't funding these 'hobbies', but...well, I was 17. I drank a bit. I smoked a bit. I had some spectacularly bad sex. I don't think it's unusual or means that he's going off the rails particularly. Obviously, if he's rolling in bladdered that's a different issue. Does he have a girlfriend?

Flanelle · 12/11/2011 11:45

Roaring at DowwnbytheRiverside :-DDDD

hanaka88 · 12/11/2011 11:46

You have to be 18 to buy cigarettes now by the way Smile

Flanelle · 12/11/2011 11:48

Yes, it's not the end of the world, even the sneakiness and thieving. React but don' overreact. Keep the converstion light and restricted to the thieving and spirits if they are what bother you most.

Totally getting the whole disappointed thing though. Not unreasonable really, just ... well you know ... optimistic. Posibly forgetful :-)

alistron1 · 12/11/2011 11:49

He got vodka, fags and johnnies for less than £20? He's a canny shopper at least.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 11:50

ooh, didn't know that hanaka. when did they change that?

Original poster
cricketballs · 12/11/2011 11:52

heresthethingbooyhoo -I'm not sure I understand "so firstly you make it into a taboo, then you tell him there will be terrible consequence if he does"

I am quiet calm (which I surprised about!) I have spoken to him calmly and told him that 'his mate' needs to find another hiding place and I don't think he is smoking as he is very against it and wants a sporting career but I have told him he is stupid for agreeing to hide things for his mate (apparently this mates mum checks his room on a very frequent basis as he was caught smoking before).

I told him the vodka bottle scared me as it looked like he was drinking spirits in his room in secret; he agreed that it looked bad but said it was from a day trip he went on with his mates and as one of their dads picked them all up, he had it hidden in his bag.

I have no proof about the money so I can not really set any punishments for it.

I have told him that other than bus fare, lunch money I am no longer going to be funding him, so he will need to find a part time job (which although he has been saying he will do, just hasn't got off his backside to even look properly)

Its just scary that the young lad is now a young man I guess......

OP posts:
Alouisee · 12/11/2011 11:57

Ha ha - course he did Fabby Wink