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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to kill my 17 year old son?

58 replies

cricketballs · 12/11/2011 11:11

have name changed as this can out me!

after a £20 note went missing this week from a collective pot, the only person who could have taken it is my 17 year son who goes to college. He denied it and myself and dh decided as we couldn't prove anything to leave it alone, but leave the general pot of money where he can't find it.

I will admit that I have been snooping as I saw him bring in a shopping bag full of 'crap' that I know he didn't have the money for whilst he was on his driving lesson (that we pay for) and despite him being a very active sportsman tobacco and cigarettes. Called dh and he suggested taking them and not saying anything....I carried on looking around and found an empty half bottle of vodka, more cigarettes, lighter, half box of condoms (at least he is using them!)

I know that I was in the wrong for snooping, but I really can not believe what I have found and I do not know what to do - tackle him, leave it? At the moment I am of the mind to stop funding him completely as we pay for all his college stuff, give him money if he needs it - although we have both told him that he needs to find a part time job as we can not continue to fund at this level

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 12/11/2011 12:00

Our DS is almost 17. He came in last night a little jolly (not the first time) because he had 4 shots at a party last night. A few weeks ago I found a lighter in his jeans and he admitted to having had a fag or three. I know that on holiday he and some mates had a Sheesha pipe on the beach. I know he has been having a snog and has a "girlfriend" his best friend's mum has met her but it's a bit of a no go area for him with his parents .

What worries me is that you don't think these things are relatively normal for a 17 year old and the lad has been driven under ground. The stealing is unacceptable though. But for many 17 year olds a part-time job isn't an option. Our DS plays sport for school every Saturday and trains hard. Last year he did his GCSE's and is now working hard on his A'Levels. Realistically he couldn't fit in a job as well and we are biting the bullet. I think he gets about £50pcm from us for spending money.

YardBroom · 12/11/2011 12:03

Give the OP a break

Yes, it may all be normal for 17 year olds, but as a mother, it is always a bit of a shock when you find these things out for the first time.

shagmundfreud · 12/11/2011 12:05

marriedinwhite, can't comment on your own child's habit's, but I suspect the majority of A level students spend more than 10 hours a week surfing the internet looking at crap, and probably at least that again watching junk tv. All time which could be more fruitfully spent earning money.

MillyR · 12/11/2011 12:05

I do think your thread title is unreasonable. I'm probably being a bit oversensitive at the moment as one of DS's classmates just died and I know it is just a figure of speech, but it is a really horrible figure of speech.

shagmundfreud · 12/11/2011 12:07

OP - I would be furious about the stealing, drinking and smoking. Especially if I suspected he was drinking alone. The smoking is worrying because a large number of teens who start smoking will still be smoking 40 years on, and many will die from the habit. I'd be gutted if any of my kids smoked.

And the stealing is - horrible. So YANBU OP, go (metaphorically) kick his arse.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 12:07

what dont you understand.

you made drinking spirits a taboo by allowing him to drink alcohol before he was 18 but not to drink spirits. most teens, by nature will want to stretch the boundaries and break the rules. if you'd had told him at 13, "i'll hit the roof if i ever catch you doing laundry and hoovering" you'd probably find him stealing £20s to buy persil.

secondly, by telling him you'd hit the roof, you made him aware of the reaction he would get if he did drink alcohol, so of course this is going to make him sneaky about it. you say you have remained calm. taht is great, but as far as he knew, you were going to go mad at him. he wasn't to know that you were going to stay calm because you told him you werent. you closed down that door of communication to him so he couldn't talk to you about the fact he was drinking spirits. this meant he had to keep it from you. which is what you say is bothering you.

Original poster

cricketballs · 12/11/2011 12:09

I have seen him jolly before and I have not said anything to him (I have laughed at him...)!

I have always thought that he may not be innocent in terms of sex (finding out though that he is no longer a virgin is a ).

It is the hiding of things I think as we have always (I thought) had an open relationship and spoken about everything. I am getting annoyed at the money situation as he seems to think it grows on trees

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 12/11/2011 12:09

Give him a basic allowance and stop funding anything beyond that.

Apart from the stealing, this is all normal teenage behaviour - IMVHO - I have two DS, 19 and 16.

I'd be very concerned about the stealing, especially if he has no need of extra funding. If you're giving him money for everything he needs, why is he stealing extra money? This is the exact same scenario we had with our older son - he had no concept of the value of money/the need to budget, and was taking money on the basis that he wanted to buy whatever he needed

Encouraging him to get a job is a very good idea - although this won't necessarily instil the value of money in him! DS1 has been working all year before he went to university and managed to spend everything he earned, and was still overdrawn when he started term.

LadyBeagleEyes · 12/11/2011 12:11

My ds started smoking this year (he's 16), he's not a drinker but I look back at what I got up to at his age and I was a lot worse. I understand though, it's not easy seeing them grow up and make the stupid same decisions we did.
I'd worry about him taking the money, but if it was in a family pot was it stealing?

catgirl1976 · 12/11/2011 12:11

He's not the first teenager to smoke, drink and have sex, but given he is not working I don't think you are BU to not want to fund these activities and YANBU for being really angry he has stolen money from you.

You are feeding him, putting a roof over his head, paying for his college stuff and I think given you are doing that and covering any "essentials" he really should get a PT job to cover his "extras". It will be good for him to work and earn his own money anyway - tbh I really do think he should be working anyway.

DownbytheRiverside · 12/11/2011 12:13

Half a box of condoms might not mean sex. He might be practising hopefully so that he doesn't look like a complete prat when using one for the first time with a partner. Or using them as water balloons
Or he could be having sex.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 12:14

"I have always thought that he may not be innocent in terms of sex (finding out though that he is no longer a virgin is a )."

sex isn't anything to be guilty of. why use the term innocent? it isn't a crime. i think people have a really strange attitude to sex and it is why there are so many teens doing it too early and for the wrong reasons because the adults in their lives wont talk about it because it's 'naughty' or 'dirty'.

Original poster

cricketballs · 12/11/2011 12:16

I used the term "innocent" as an easier way of way I thought he'd experimented/gone to 2nd base! etc I have never suggested that I think it is 'naughty' or 'dirty' it was just a word to try and stay polite!

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/11/2011 12:17

Thing is, it's right and normal that he should have a private life which you don't know about. I'm sure you didn't share everything with your mum, right? . The stealing is bang out of order, of course, so I'd cut him off from the family purse and encourage him to pick up a saturday job (if they exist any more). I can understand why you are upset, though. It must be a shock to realise that your child is becoming an adult. My DC are still young, and I'm dreading the teen years because, er, I remember what I got up to.

Original poster

cricketballs · 12/11/2011 12:18

"but if it was in a family pot was it stealing" - it is when I asked him if he had taken it as I know it was there and he said no (dh had not taken it as I asked him, it is has not fallen anywhere)

OP posts:

Original poster

cricketballs · 12/11/2011 12:19

I think it is the shock that is upsetting me - there should be a law against kids growing up!!!

OP posts:

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 12:21

yeah but words mean things cricketballs. you dont pick words for no reason. you pick them because they reflect what you are trying to say. innocent would never be a word that would spring to my mind about someone who hadn't had sex. ask yourself why the word innocent was the one you chose.

catgirl1976 · 12/11/2011 12:40

Possibly because innocent can mean without knowlege of? Therefore, saying her son is innocent in regards to sex means he hasn't had knowledge of it.

Rather than implying some sort of guilt.

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2011 12:49

Blimey!
Talk about Pick the OP to Bits Time!
I'm assuming you all have teenagers and have weathered their growing-up with equanimity and calm because not one of them has done anything to shock, surprise or upset you.
I think the OP's reaction has been perfectly normal, and if all of this has opened up a route to talk about it then it's all to the good.

Also, it's all very well to say that at 17 they're adult, which obviously they are, but when they're living at home, totally supported by you, it's difficult sometimes to remember it as they don't exactly act like one.

And he needs to get a job, pronto!

Grumpla · 12/11/2011 12:57

If your teenager is having sex then making sure the bathroom cabinet is stocked with condoms and telling him how pleased you are he is being responsible could be a heck of a lot easier and cheaper to deal with than an unexpected grandchild...

Agree that the stealing etc needs to be cracked down on but you should separate this from the safe sex issue.

Megatron · 12/11/2011 12:58

Totally agree with Nanny, the OP is getting a unnecessarily hard time. I find it amazing that all these people with teenagers seem to have handled all situations spectacularly well. The OP is probably sitting looking at a photo of her son on a wee trike or something wondering where he went!

OP it does all sound pretty normal stuff, I smoked and drank when I was 17 and I even stole the odd £1 from my mum's purse (that totally horrifies me now). I think you're right to have a chat with him and encourage him to get a job. Oh and I didn't have sex til I was 19 even though I told all my friends I had.

This parenting stuff can be quite hard sometimes!

heleninahandcart · 12/11/2011 13:18

you dont want to kill someone over £20. get a grip.

I hear the going rate is at least £50

Seriously, its the shock of realising your innocent little boy DS has grown up and is doing the usual things that young people do. I would actually lock mine in his room if I found out YANBU

troisgarcons · 12/11/2011 13:20

Im with the OP!

I'm afraid I keep my purse with me at all times since my 17yo has started smoking - he cant afford to acquire the habit and I'm certainly not going to bloody work to fund his hobby! And as it's an addictive habit and he can be a bit light fingered, Im not giving him the opportunity to spend my money on fags.

So there.

prettyfly1 · 12/11/2011 13:38

OFGS why do people have to take things literally. The op's little boy is growing into a man. He will be thirty and still her little boy and it is really tough to accept that your kids drink, smoke, have sex and certainly not acceptable to steal. She doesnt really want to kill him she is just bloody angry and quite fairly concerned. OP sit him down, tell him if he wants to drink (which is not legal at his age) smoke (which is the age I started at and 12 years later I am still struggling to stop!) and fund these habits he can do you the respect of at least choosing to ruin his health from his own wallet not yours. You are his mum. You dont have to be "cool" about these things or "normalise" them in any way. You do have to respect that he is becoming a man and wants to make his own choices but if he wants to make big man decisions he needs to be a big man about how he pays for them. End of.

Original poster

cricketballs · 12/11/2011 14:18

thank you pretty - I have read through all the comments and found it amusing that some people think I want to literally get a gun and shoot him, also that I think sex is dirty!

To make it clear, I used the word "kill" as it is a saying/phrase meaning that I am very angry/upset with him at that time.

I used the word "innocent" as I really could not think of any words that would describe the sex situation without my being crude about my sons sex life.

I have spoken to him in a calm manner after chilling out for a bit - writing the thread helped this and I have said the things that pretty suggested - he's gone out know in a huff!

As I said, I think it was the shock of finding the tobacco/empty vodka bottle/condoms in the same week where concerns have been raised about money going missing that prompted my title thread and in no way do I mean it literally

OP posts:

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