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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being angry at my saintly husband?

78 replies

MarianneM · 11/11/2011 21:47

This is going to sound bizarre, but...
We were both invited to a housewarming tonight by a local couple. We agreed DH would go and I will put the DCs to bed. Party starts at 8.30pm. So at 8pm DDs and I settle in the bedroom, I read lots of stories, I put them to bed, wait for them to fall asleep, which always takes a long time... Keep hearing DH faffing and pottering around, washing dishes (!) and the time ticks on. It's 9.30pm, it has been quiet for a while so I think he must be gone, but I haven't heard the door go. Girls still not asleep, but it's fine. I look out of the bedroom door, and there sits DH, all combed and perfumed, waiting. I ask him what he is waiting for, and he says he is waiting until DDs have fallen asleep. Dishes all washed, dinner mess (girls make a huge mess at mealtimes) cleared up, everything just so. And I...suddenly feel so ANNOYED with him! It's hard to put my finger on exactly what I find so irritating about this...

OP posts:
Pan · 11/11/2011 23:07

MM - the sketch? "Men Are Bastards"? Seemed funny at the time....

AgentZigzag · 11/11/2011 23:09

Does he use his 'perfection' to highlight your unreasonableness?

Or is that just the way you're thinking of it?

I think Pan's probably pointing out that relative to the threads you see in the relationship section, you have nothing to worry about if there are no underlying currents you haven't outlined yet.

AgentZigzag · 11/11/2011 23:10

hahaha the sketch is very relevant Grin

Pan · 11/11/2011 23:12

thanks AZZ - maybe I was being a bit 'side ways' - MM, it was meant as AZZ states.

worraliberty · 11/11/2011 23:12

It sounds like he feels a bit guilty/bad for going out and leaving you with such a long and laborious bedtime routine.

Chill out...he didn't want to leave you with extra stuff to do once they finally went to sleep.

This way, he can go out and relax I expect.

Original poster
MarianneM · 11/11/2011 23:14

Agent, thanks for explaining ;)

No, my DH doesn't do that, he is truly perfect (nearly), otherwise it wouldn't be so annoying Grin

I know what you're saying, but can you understand that it can be frustrating to always feel like the unreasonable one when your partner is (usually) so reasonable?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 11/11/2011 23:20

I would relax if I were you, your downright unreasonableness doesn't seem to bother him (Grin), why would you be looking for something to make you feel uncomfortable.

Do you feel a bit insecure and maybe think it's too good to be true?

Perhaps the residue from a past bastard ex?

squeakytoy · 11/11/2011 23:25

Children are really not hard work to put to bed unless you make it hard work, and by the sounds of it.. you do..

An hour and a half??? Waiting for them to go to sleep??

Story.

Night light on.

Say goodnight.

Close door.

Done!

Madamolive · 11/11/2011 23:30

Thinking maybe he just didn't want to go... Can understand feeling annoyed- especially if your children take a little while at bedtime. Seems to me most other posters may use cc/cio without knowing the risks. Carry on as you are!

Soups · 11/11/2011 23:31

Well, it's hard to say. My first reaction would be that's he's feeling a little guilty about going out, then trying to helpful whilst you do the marathon bedtime. On top of that, maybe he doesn't want to at the party without you for hours and hours.

CocktailQueen · 11/11/2011 23:46

But what are you doing in your children's bedroom when they are asleep?? Can't they get to sleep on ther own??

PigletJohn · 11/11/2011 23:55

Maybe he was trying hard so you wouldn't have any reason to get annoyed. Who knows?

AgentZigzag · 12/11/2011 00:01

I don't know if it's the same as what you're getting at Piglet, but my Dad was the same with my Mum.

He never managed to get anything right though, no matter how hard he tried.

It just seemed to wind her up even more.

flyingspaghettimonster · 12/11/2011 00:42

we don't know how old the kids are. My older two are 7 and 5, they get a story, kiss and teeth, then night night and don't come down again. The toddler gets kept company in the bedroom till he nods off, if that's 1.5 hours so be it, it was our fault for letting him nap too long.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2011 01:54

I feel very mean now!

DD is 5 months and has had "bedtime" with Night Night, love you, see you in the morning since the day after she was born, as have the other 5 too!

IdRatherBeInBed · 12/11/2011 01:59

The reason it probably takes your DDs 1.5hrs to go to sleep is because you are in the room with them. Have you tried leaving them to go to sleep on their own. My DS is 3 and he was a pain in the beginning but now hes asleep within 15 mins. He gets himself to sleep. Its really not that hard.

Story,
Tuck them in
Kiss and cuddle
Night night
Night light on
Leave
Sleep!

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 12/11/2011 03:55

It's just playing the martyr. And yes, it is really annoying.

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 07:28

We're trying to "reason" with DD1 (3) at the moment

This is the whole problem! Of course a 3 yr old wants mum at her beck and call, wasting and hour and a half in the dark, doing nothing until she decides to drop off! She will keep this up for years.
Get a bedtime routine and firmly and calmly tell her what it is going to be. Get a babysitter and go out. Send her off to stay with Granny, if it is possible.
It doesn't make you a better mother to be a complete doormat!

Bath, bed, story, kiss good night, drink of water by the bed and firmly 'this is mummy time'.

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 07:30

I think that some mothers enjoy playing the martyr-it makes them feel needed to be able to say 'I can't get a baby sitter or leave them with DH, they only settle for me'. Get a babysitter, they will cope-I used to manage fine with upset 3 yr olds when I was only 16yrs.

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 07:31

Your DH is saintly-he should arrange the babysitter.

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 07:34

Sorry to keep posting-this is the last one! Your 3 yr old would feel much more secure if she felt that you were in charge.

DorisIsTheDarkDestroyer · 12/11/2011 07:54

He sounds a little like my (also saintly) DH.

Who I just showed your post to , he said "well you wouldn't want to come back to all that mess would you", which is where we come at it from different perspective as I couldn't give a shit about coming back to mess.

The other thing that crossed my mind was that if you don't go out much, and although he was keen on going do you think maybe he was actually a bit reluctant about going on his own and needed that shove out of the door as a confidence thing, and leaving a little later meant people would be pissed by the time he gets there etc?

Proudnscary · 12/11/2011 08:03

Washing up etc = good

Waiting til kids asleep = OTT and oddly annoying.

We'd have been both gagging to get out of there and get stuck in to the Wine

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 12/11/2011 08:19

I know just where you're coming from. The last time my DH looked after the DC for a day on his own he made soup for the freezer, did 3 loads of washing, mowed the lawn, took the kids to the playground, cooked dinner, washed up, hoovered and put them to bed a whole hour earlier than normal. I just felt so annoyed at his smug shining halo of perfection I wanted to thump him! (Obviously I said something nice instead...)

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 12/11/2011 08:19

I know just where you're coming from. The last time my DH looked after the DC for a day on his own he made soup for the freezer, did 3 loads of washing, mowed the lawn, took the kids to the playground, cooked dinner, washed up, hoovered and put them to bed a whole hour earlier than normal. I just felt so annoyed at his smug shining halo of perfection I wanted to thump him! (Obviously I said something nice instead...)

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