I?m afraid this is one of those ?parents vs MIL visiting post baby's arrival ? messes and I?m sorry it?s sooo long but there is some history which I really need to give to avoid drip feeding.
I?m expecting DC2 at Christmas. It?s my DH?s first child. I have also DD age 4 from a previous relationship.
DH's widowed mother lives about 45 minutes away. It's her first DGC, as DH is an only child himself. We see her maybe once a month or, either at our home and hers, at times that mutually suit. We all get on well. She loves DD, she?s nice to me and she?s been extremely supportive of us in various ways, including when DH became very ill with depression.
My parents live overseas. When DD was born, they bought property within walking distance of us and started spending between 3-5 months here at a time. We also used to go over to see them at least once a year.
My mother and MIL had a big shouty falling out a couple years ago. Everyone else has tried to put it behind us & move on- but my mother has since held a serious grudge against MIL.
Matters finally came to a head when my mother demanded that MIL make herself scarce for the whole of one of their visits. We?re talking 4 months. And that included us not going to see MIL. She went spectacularly off the deep end when I tried to gently but firmly explain that this was quite unreasonable, for many reasons but not the least because DH was still on the mend from serious depressive llness. As a result of not getting their way that summer, my parents chose to stop coming over to visit for extended periods- and even decided to then put their property on the market (even knowing by then that I was pregnant with DC2.) My DD, who adores them, has been more than a little confused and saddened by their absence.
So, my parents made it clear to me that they had prior plans for Christmas- and so would not be here for DC2?s birth. No problem, we said, and since we haven?t been there in awhile, we made plans to fly over to see them with both the DCs in the spring- which is about as soon as we think we could reasonably manage it.
Then last week my mother said they would like to come to visit after the birth- but they want to be certain of their ?priority access? . In other words, in order to accommodate them, my mother says it is MY responsibility to ensure that MIL is "completely banned" for the duration of their stay (however long that may be). They think that MIL gets to see the DCs ?whenever she wants? all year long- and that their reward for time, effort and expense of their coming is that everyone else now gets out their road, as per their wishes.
I told her in no uncertain terms I was not prepared to ban MIL this way. I don?t even know if MIL would in fact want be around or not while my parents are here- but I know she?d be extremely angry if it were to be suggested to her she?s in any way barred.
I totally can see how my folks want to ensure they get ?their? time with the baby and DD. But while we would make every effort to be welcoming and facilitate that as much as possible, I also think the world should not necessarily revolve exclusively around them and that it?s out of order to expect they can dicate to us this way- especially when they are coming to OUR home.
My mother is now furious and upset. And I feel I really don't need any of this stress- and especially not after I've just given birth.
What do you think-AIBU?