Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be polite to my in laws?

56 replies

Midori1999 · 08/11/2011 21:35

I posted a while ago about my in laws coming to stay and see their new (and first) granddaughter, who is 4 1/2 months old. My DH is away and will be for their whole visit. My Mum offered to stay while they are here to help out, especially as I have three other children aswell.

Anyway, they have been here for 4 days so far. The first day they were here the conversation went like this:

FIL (to MIL) 'I fancy a cup of tea'
MIL (to my Mum): 'make FIL a cup of tea will you love?'

My lovely Mum just did it!

Since then the PIL haven't made a single cup of tea or coffee, even for themselves. Either me or my Mum have made FIL's breakfast every morning. Then cleared up after him as he doesn't do it. Neither of them has so much as taken a cup or plate out to the kitchen when they have finished it, let alone washed it up. Earlier on, MIL asked my Mum to go and get her a glass of water FFS!

I went back to bed for an hour or so with the baby earlier as she was getting over stimulated and over tired and I am getting mastitis again, for the 5th time. My Mum told them it was fine if they wanted to help themselves to things (I had already told them to do this and make themselves at home) and that I absolutely wouldn't mind, but they still keep asking us to get things for them. It's driving me mad!

MIL also keeps helping herself to my netbook without asking, despite the fact I have not said she can use it. Yesterday she closed some pages I had googled with info I hadn't had a chance to read yet. Not the end of the world, but annoying.

I wouldn't be rude to them at all, and I do actually really like them generally, but I am finding them such hard work whilst they are here and pretty rude too, tbh. I suppose I just needed to rant. Blush

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/11/2011 21:39

Simple.

Tell your mother to show your MIL her way around the kitchen. Next time she asks for a brew, your mum needs to say "your turn isnt it?" .. that isnt rude, it is perfectly polite.

Secondly, move your netbook into your bedroom, and put a password on it. Then your MIL has to ask if she wants to use it.

Dont make them breakfast, just say "morning all.. if you want breakfast, you know where everything is... "

If they dont like it, they know where the door is.

DorisIsTheDarkDestroyer · 08/11/2011 22:09

Well said squeaky...

If you don't take the advice above you will look back on this time and KICK yourself.

You still have a young baby and several other DC's tell them to get off their backsides REALLY!

Portofino · 08/11/2011 22:13

It's not hard. I live abroad and get lots of visitors. You just say right at the outset - I am a crap host - feel free to help yourself to the kettle etc.

Flisspaps · 08/11/2011 22:14

And don't forget to point out things like 'FIL/MIL - the dishwasher/sink is just over there, pop your plate and cup in there once you're finished eating please. Thank you'

Original poster
Midori1999 · 08/11/2011 22:31

Thankyou! Should have been obvious, but I'm so tired.

My Mum has just told me my FIL asked today if my son's whole school was full of 'backward children'. (he has Downs). FFS!!!

OP posts:
Seabright · 08/11/2011 22:35

When do they go home? I think you are doing brilliantly!

I love the "your turn, isn't it?" Simple, polite and to the point

Inertia · 08/11/2011 22:48

What Squeaky said about taking turns to make tea and hiding the netbook.

I hope that making breakfast doesn't mean a full cooked breakfast? If so you need to move to either them cooking, or cereal and toast.

When FIL and MIL get up from the table, why does nobody say "Could you just put your plates by the dishwasher while you're up"?

Your mum does need to stop obeying them She's there to help you and care for the children - she's not waiting staff employed to pander to the ILs.

And I'd be putting my foot down about DH being around for the next visit!

Original poster
Midori1999 · 09/11/2011 09:58

If it wasn't so depressing it would be funny!

Mum to FIL: 'I'll show you where everything is in the kitchen'

FIL: 'I don't want to know where everything is in the kitchen, I like having an assistant'.

Hmm

Cue a few bits of banter and now my Mum is making his breakfast! I did say we'd just say good morning and not mention breakfast to see what happened, but never mind. I suppose if she's going to wait on him he's going to let her!

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 09/11/2011 09:59

Well, if your mum is daft enough to carry on acting like a servant, then let her. But don't you be joining in - you've got enough to get on with.

ENormaSnob · 09/11/2011 10:01

Sorry but I couldn't sit back while my mum mum was treated as a skivvy.

Completely unfair and downright fucking rude IMO

NinkyNonker · 09/11/2011 10:05

Nope, I'm afraid I'd step in if I were you OP or you are collaborating on making your mum a second class citizen in your home.

TheRealMrsHannigan · 09/11/2011 10:06

I think your FIL needs pulling up, don't let him treat your poor mum like the hired help! 'Assistant'?! WTF?.

Pull him to one side, tell him he has offended your mum with those comments and needs to pull his socks up!

TidyDancer · 09/11/2011 10:11

Yes, I think now is the time to say something to him. He has been unspeakably rude to your mum.

He actually sounds quite horrible. He would've been out on his arse if he'd been my FIL.

diddl · 09/11/2011 10:12

Well I´m tempted to say more fool your mum.

She should imo leave them to sort themselves out.

If they have a maid at home perhaps them should have brought her also.

If not, I would suggest that they do actually know how to look afteer themselves & are taking the piss.

Cherriesarelovely · 09/11/2011 10:15

i had the benefit of lovely MN advice about a similar houseguest a couple of months ago. They were absolutely right, SAY SOMETHING! Yes it is completely unreasonable behaviour and YANBU. In my situation I did say something and the family member still didn't really respond so on his last visit he stayed in a B and B! Weirdly he was not that put out and I felt great!

Thumbwitch · 09/11/2011 10:17

Hmm, they're taking the piss. It's not an issue of not wanting to use your stuff if they're happy to access your computer, is it - they're just treating your mum and you like the paid help (or actually, the unpaid help).

I wouldn't put up with it, sorry. Your mum should stand up for herself though - not leave it up to you to deal with it!

Your FIL has been atrociously rude, both to your mum and about your son. I'd have him out of the house faster than winking for either of those offences, tbh.

As for your DH - next time, he can have them to himself - if they want to come and stay again, I'd up sticks and go to my Mum's for the week.

Actually very Angry for you but also because you and your Mum are both facilitating this disgusting behaviour.

Georgimama · 09/11/2011 10:19

do your pil have staff at home? shame they didn't bring them.

you and your mum must have mug tattooed on your foreheads, there's no way my mother would stand to be talked to like that or I would stand anyone talking to her like that.

Thumbwitch · 09/11/2011 10:21

And actually in answer to your original question - yes YABU to still kowtow to these obnoxious people who are determined to treat your mum as a skivvy. Outrageous.

I would probably start by going quite deaf and not hearing the requests for drinks/ breakfast etc. Get up half an hour earlier, have your breakfasts before they're up and when they come down TELL them that you've finished yours, there is the stuff, they're welcome to get on with it themselves.

Georgimama · 09/11/2011 10:21

I'd imagine your fil thinks he is being ever so funny. Tell him in similary jocular tone that if he wants hotel service he'll be paying hotel rates for it.

Dawndonna · 09/11/2011 10:21

Taking the mick.
My MiL came to help after twins were born. ds2 was 19 months, ds1 was eleven. I had an emergency section, twins were in scbu. Stepmum did the first week, then MiL. Stepmum had everything running like clockwork. In comes MiL and sits on her arse for a week. I was waiting on her. The final straw was we went to the supermarket, she sat in the restaurant whilst I shopped, loaded etc. Bless dh, he sent her home and she hasn't been allowed to stay since!

ShoutyHamster · 09/11/2011 10:24

Well, they're a couple of obnoxious pisstakers, aren't they?

You're facilitating this behaviour - but you have a baby at the moment, I guess confrontation is the last thing you feel like. Your mum also has a tongue in her head!!

How brave do you feel? Because there are two choices here (unless of course you want to set this in stone and have them do this every time they come..)

  • You take MIL and FIL aside and quite pleasantly point out to them that so far through this visit, they have shown themselves to be obnoxious, rude, lazy, horrible houseguests. They've a couple of days to redeem themselves - or they can make the most of what will be their last visit to your house. They won't be welcome to stay again.
  • You wait until they've gone. And then you quite pleasantly inform your DH that they showed themselves to be obnoxious, rude, lazy, horrible houseguests, and that they won't be invited back again into your home.
LydiaWickham · 09/11/2011 10:27

Oh, saying that to your mum is not on! Take FIL to one side, say he's upset your mum, she's also a grandparent visiting and isn't here to look after him.

If you can't do that, can you talk to MIL about what FIL said?

I can see that my mum who would otherwise stand up to people not feeling able to do that with her DD's PILs - my mum would be worried about causing me problems if she said anything (I've seen her bite her tongue when FIL had a "Daily Mail moment", whereas I've previously seen her call people on that sort of attitude in her own home).

I'd also send an e-mail to your DH telling him what his father said to your mum. This could cause him to have MIL issues if he's not careful! He needs to know his parents are being rude to yours.

ShoutyHamster · 09/11/2011 10:29

Do you know, thinking about it I'd actually leave right now, you, your mum and the baby. Go and stay at your mum's. And take the netbook with you.

Don't even tell them you're going, or where. Just abandon them. They can ring your DH and ask what the hell is going on when they realise at 9pm that you probably aren't coming back to cook dinner for Fucking Ignorant Layabout (FIL). Then your DH can call you, and you can calmly inform him of the situation, and tell him that as his parents clearly think it's just fine and dandy to be rude, unhelpful and ignorant, you thought you'd just do the same - you've cleared off for a rest because you simply can't be arsed to stick around and wait on them.

A massive shock here might be just what's needed. You've got years of negotiating a relationship with these people...

ShoutyHamster · 09/11/2011 10:30

Oh and the other children too!! - not just the baby Grin

diddl · 09/11/2011 10:32

I don´t see why op should leave her own house-rather convince the ILs to go out somewhere & not let them back in?

Swipe left for the next trending thread