To still be polite to my in laws?

[Midori1999]

I posted a while ago about my in laws coming to stay and see their new (and first) granddaughter, who is 4 1/2 months old. My DH is away and will be for their whole visit. My Mum offered to stay while they are here to help out, especially as I have three other children aswell.

Anyway, they have been here for 4 days so far. The first day they were here the conversation went like this:

FIL (to MIL) 'I fancy a cup of tea'
MIL (to my Mum): 'make FIL a cup of tea will you love?'

My lovely Mum just did it!

Since then the PIL haven't made a single cup of tea or coffee, even for themselves. Either me or my Mum have made FIL's breakfast every morning. Then cleared up after him as he doesn't do it. Neither of them has so much as taken a cup or plate out to the kitchen when they have finished it, let alone washed it up. Earlier on, MIL asked my Mum to go and get her a glass of water FFS!

I went back to bed for an hour or so with the baby earlier as she was getting over stimulated and over tired and I am getting mastitis again, for the 5th time. My Mum told them it was fine if they wanted to help themselves to things (I had already told them to do this and make themselves at home) and that I absolutely wouldn't mind, but they still keep asking us to get things for them. It's driving me mad!

MIL also keeps helping herself to my netbook without asking, despite the fact I have not said she can use it. Yesterday she closed some pages I had googled with info I hadn't had a chance to read yet. Not the end of the world, but annoying.

I wouldn't be rude to them at all, and I do actually really like them generally, but I am finding them such hard work whilst they are here and pretty rude too, tbh. I suppose I just needed to rant.

Hah! Well yes even better. Although that kind of puts her in the 'aggressive' camp - I thought the just disappearing and making the point that that is rude - but they think being rude is fine so what's the problem - would get the point across.

Simply asking them to leave is of course the right thing to do - if OP feels up to it - doesn't sound like she does, and of course that precipitates a row. I thought that just disappearing might give them the shock of their lives (and Mr. Disappearing DH too, for that matter).

also your husband is massively taking the piss expecting you to entertain his parents for days on end when he isn't even there. How did that even come about by the way?

Just realised you said this was their first granddaughter, and you have three other children, so assuming 3 DSs (rather than DDs who aren't your PIL's grandchildren). Anyway, you are showing your DS's how woman should be treated right now. By letting them see FIL treat your DM like a skivvy, you are saying that male relatives should expect the female ones to run round after them. This is not your DM's house, so your DSs aren't seeing a host/guest relationship, they are seeing one grandparent being subservant to the other.

You need to deal with this not just for your DMs sake, but your future DILs!

I think you should tell your mother that she should say exactly what she thinks. I bet she's itching to tell them!

There is no way l would allow my DM to be treated like a servant, much as she is trying to help you it does not bode well for future visits for the IL's.
Next time get your DM to suggest FIL makes the tea or even when tea suggested say no thanks don't really want one just now but you know where everything is so go ahead and make yourself one.
Your DH really is taking the piss being away for the whole visit.

OK, so FIL think´s it´s above him to help out with his GC/do anything in the house.

But what´s with MIL?

TBH, I´m seriously at her attitude to OPs mum.

Now, if OPs mum was already making a cup of tea, maybe OK to ask for another.

But to ask someone else to make your husband a cup of tea?

I mean seriously, WTF is that even about?

I bet they've just done it in a really jokey way as you said before - I reckon if you pulled them up on it they'd act really affronted and not think they're doing anything wrong - just a bit of banter ha ha. I bet that's why your Mum's not saying anything, as the first bit of joking around drew her into it but she now can't extract herself. I also reckon that's why it's hard for you to do anything as if you say anything I reckon it will be taken that YOU are not being polite. Grr, so unfair, I really feel for you.

I reckon just don't put out breakfast or anything else, when they mention it just say 'oh - the cereal is in the cupboard' etc. Send your Mum & the other kids out for the day so they can't corral her into making a cup of tea, then take to your room (with your netbook along with the baby!) pleading mastitis and say can they sort themselves out.

Can you also say something like, 'I've got to go and express now, could you just hang the washing out for me please' and walk off before they've got time to say no!

They'll fend for themselves for the afternoon, then just keep it like that, ie don't go back to offering anything.

It would be lovely to say something, but I reckon they'd just twist it so it looked like you were in the wrong for then allegedly being 'rude' to them though I get that that is totally unfair.

Good point, Lydia.

And diddl - yes, FGS this isn't even vaguely amusing. It's not just about a chavinistic old goat trotting round the place - why on earth does your MIL think she can treat your mum like this, OP?

Sounds like there's a very nasty subtext here, with one side of the family seeing themselves 'above' the other - horrible, rude, disrespectful. And although OP hasn't said anything about it, I wonder whether the DH thinking that it's fine to swan off and leave his assistant - sorry, his DW - to entertain his parents for a week is also part of the same entitled, boorish behaviour.

Your children are watching and learning, OP. Some very direct words are in order here.

'My mum isn't here to serve you, FIL. Don't you think making a cup of tea yourself would show that you actually have some manners?'

'I would appreciate it if you could, for once, actually carry your dishes to the dishwasher, at least?'

'My mum is also a guest in this house, PIL. Could you please stop speaking to her as if she's the hired help? It's upsetting and offending me as well as her, so if you want to be invited back to my home, start showing a little respect.'

God they sound horrible - FIL in particular. I do feel sorry for your mum and can understand how she's found herself doing things for these horrible rude people - my mum is just the same, and I am also to a certain extent. With me (us) I really struggle to confront rude people and hate arguments, so can find myself acting like a mug just to avoid the trouble.

Personally (as I am a coward) I would fight back the sneaky way. I would hide the netbook, or at least password protect it so your MIL has to ask first. If she says anything, tell her that you've been meaning to make it more secure for ages with the children around, etc.

I am also with butternut on you taking to your room for a while to get some rest, telling them they can help themselves to anything. And send your mum off somewhere (to get some rest too). I would also say something like "don't worry about washing up after yourselves as long as you load it all in the dishwasher or whatever; mum and I are completely knackered from looking after everyone lately so I can't handle a mess at the moment - thanks!"

I cannot get my heads around people who descend upon new mothers and expect to be waited on hand and foot.

shouty I do agree that the FIL deserves to be pulled up on it, but if he's anything like certain older men in my^ family (who sound very similar), it will only cause an argument and may cause more stress than the OP needs at the moment. In my experience, these selfish old bastards only get the way they are after years of being pandered to and years of being v stubborn and not seeing anyone else's point of view. Therefore, if the OP is happy for him (and MIL) to waltz off in a strop and sulk for weeks, then go for it, but if you just want an easy life ATM, I would be more sneaky. Either way, I wouldn't ever* invite them to stay again.

(I actually just have the one head, but it's not working well today.)

Cocked up my italics there

at bin

Yes. FIL is doing it all in a jokey way. My Mum is also adopting his 'jokey' way to try and get the point across. Such as 'get your own bloody tea, I'm on strike'. MIL has commented they're like children bickering.

FIL has just hoovered and my Mum said earlier that FIL doesn't like to go in the kitchen because of our dogs, but he was left alone in the house when we all went out a couple of days ago and managed the kitchen just fine then! The dogs do like to say hello (approach people, tails wagging, no jumping up or anything) but immediately go away again if ignored and once they know people ignore them completely unless asked to approach. PIL know this and like dogs, plus have commented on how well behaved they are several times. I did say to FIL after his breakfast 'ooh, go on, I'll come and coach you through a walk to the kitchen sink with your dishes, you'll be fine' and he took them out too.

DH had to go away with work and PIL live abroad and apparently couldn't make another time. DH keeps apologising by text. He's mortified but wouldn't want me to be rude to them, although I suspect he thinks I can hold my own if I need to. I do feel obliged to be the good host, but I'm worried my
Mum thinks she has to do all this to help me. She's got the boys up and ready this morning so I could lay in and is going back to bed for a while shortly. I'll chat to her later.

It's a subtle power thing, isn't it?

Sounds like both of them - FIL especially - are trying very hard to create the situation where they are the dominant side of the family - the ones who get waited on. They're sneakily doing down your mum, and you, and by extension 'your' side of the family. They're the more important, the more established, the better ones. Is there a slight imbalance in perceived social class/wealth, OP? Or do your PIL think that there is - are they snobs?

Ugh.

Of course, what they're actually doing is showing how rude, crass, and obnoxious they are, compared to your mannerly, caring, generous mum.

But unless you make that distinction clear to both them and your DH, this rather unpleasant status quo is what will prevail - that they come and stay, and are irritating and lazy and it just becomes 'the way they are'.

However, the power is with you. It's your home. Deal with this right now however you feel most comfortable doing, but make it abundantly clear to your DH how rude, obnoxious, and appalling they were as houseguests. And don't be shy of pointing out exactly who you feel is the better grandparent, setting a better example, and therefore who you'll feel prouder of as a role model for your children. And that'll be a big part of why they won't be staying again.

Get your DH to have a word. Your poor Mother should be enjoying this time with her Grandchild too.

Well then you need to tell your mum that she doesn´t have to do it.

I´m getting more confused tbh.

FIL is doing it in a jokey way-so then he´s hoping not expecting your mum to do stuff?

Sounds like MIL needs to stop commenting & startt helping!

I also wonder why you feel the need to "be a good host" tbh with & newborn & three others to look after!

Just to add, my DH in no way sees me as his assistant, he works long hours and is more than happy to help out around the house, with dinner etc and get up with the children at weekends so I get a lay in etc. DC see this daily and also help out with a few 'chores', so no chance they'll end up like FIL.

I do wonder if they see themselves as 'better' than my Mum though. they are very materialistic and like to show their 'wealth'. Lots of expensive jewellery, fancy car they don't really need or use (they keep a 'normal' car for daily use) and MIL has turned up with a fur coat too, which I suspect they'd view as a status symbol. I did comment to MIL about that and she just smiled and didn't deny it was real, so who knows.

Glad to see that you are both standing up for yourselves a bit more there - but what about MIL? What is SHE doing in this situation, apart from sitting on the sidelines watching?

It sounds like you're doing well in difficult circumstances. Please buy your mum a big bunch of flowers when they go.

Keep resting and being kind to yourself, you have a little baby and mastitis and older kids. That's a lot to manage at the best of times.

Sounds like I was off beam about your DH, OP - but on target about your PIL's attitude.

So they're a pair of silly snobs. Well. Hopefully that won't take too long to sort out. As I said above - what they're actually doing is showing how rude, crass, and obnoxious they are, compared to your mannerly, caring, generous mum.

And we all know which of those two kinds of behaviour shows real decency, class, quality, don't we?

So time to make that point to your DH and get him to relay it to them, and embarrass them... that you think of them as boorish, rude, as having no manners.

Fur coats, eh? Next time there's a subtle bit of posing, time for an enigmatic smile and a 'Handsome is as handsome does, eh?' comment. Or perhaps an aside that 'Not everyone is brought up to have good manners, of course...'

Time they had a thorough shaming after this little display. They are crass. Let them know it.

Midori, is your mum trying to protect you from hassle by keeping the peace with PIL? She might be worried that if she doesn't do everything they ask, then they'll pester you instead. I think you need to explain to your mum that it's ok for her to say no to them , and that it's won't generate more work for you because you'll tell them to do it themselves too.

Then you need to continue to stand up to them- sounds as if your jokey cajoling method is working but you do need to make sure that you don't let them slide back into demanding things from you and your mum.

Could the dogs not go and play in the garden at clear-up time, and cooking time, so that PIl have no excuse for not helping?

I think you have to say something or risk resenting them forevermore.

I can understand you not wanting to be too aggressive about it but there are ways of getting the point across without coming across as rude - although rude would have already happened if this was happening in my house!

Can you just say something like "Look, FIL, mum came to help out with the children and the new baby but she is doing an awful lot of running around after you and MIL and it's not fair. Things are a bit hectic at the moment and I really am going to have to ask you to muck in - all hands on deck and all that."

And then perhaps a couple of direct suggestions for things that would help - "It would be helpful if you sorted out your own breakfast and cleared away afterwards - that way mum isn't doing everything and can concentrate on the children."

you deserve a medal and so does your mum!

i would tell them there's a b&b down the road if they expect staff to wait on them 24/7.