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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really really pissed off at this text from a playground Mum?

63 replies

lottielou39 · 08/11/2011 20:11

so youngest daughter is 8. She's had problems on and off with this girl in her class since Year 3. The girl in question is no angel (but her Mother thinks she is) because she was at one time (over a few months)reporting to the headmistresses office on a daily basis regarding her behaviour.
Anyway, yesterday my daughter came home in tears saying that this girl has been telling other girls not to play with her, in particular a little girl she's recently become close to. My daughter asked me to go into school and talk to her teacher about it because she was really upset. I didn't go in. I discussed it at home with her and gave her advice on what to do if this girl tries to interfere again. My philosophy is not to go into school unless it's really serious as these daft issues between Yr.4 girls are often just a storm in a teacup and parental interference can often exacerbate the problem.
So tonight I get a text from the girls Mother. I only know her fleetingly from the playground as I don't linger there; am always dashing to and from work,ve so don't have time to stop and chat unlike this girls Mum who is a SAHM. In her text, the girls Mother said that my daughter had told her daughter that I was going in to school to complain about her daughters behaviour and was it true? Obviously, there was some tit for tat retaliation going on, but wtf.. why the hell is she texting me? If I wanted to go in to school to discuss any issues my daughter has with her daughter (which I haven't thus far, although I could've done, quite easily, because this girl has upset her on several occasions) that's my prerogative surely? I've only gone in to school on a handful of occasions since I started doing school runs many many years ago because I prefer to let the teachers do their jobs and I wouldn't dream of discussing these friendship issues with parents in the playground because of the potential for bad feeling etc. And also because we are not there in the school with them, so never really know 100% what's happening. I just can't believe she had the audacity to text me and ask me if I'd been in to the school re. her daughter?
I officially hate the school run and playground politics.

OP posts:

warthog · 08/11/2011 20:14

text back 'no'.

leave them to it. if other mum wants to stick her beak in, that's her prerogative. although i'd be worried if my dd said another dd's mum had gone into school to complain about her. wouldn't you want to know?

piellabakewell · 08/11/2011 20:15

I wouldn't reply, did you? How did she get your number?

lovelydogs · 08/11/2011 20:17

I would ignore the text. If I was the other mum I'd ask the teacher to let me know if DD has been misbehaving at all. She sounds a bit confrontational. Ignore her she'll get the hint.

AnotherEmptyNest · 08/11/2011 20:19

Yes, if you know her only fleetingly from the playground, how did she get your number?

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 08/11/2011 20:19

She's only asking a question. She's not accusing you or your daughter of anything. Why can't you just reply and say you'd rather not discuss it by text messages - rather than flying off the handle?

ScarlettIsWalking · 08/11/2011 20:20

Very annoying.

Keep the upper high ground and text back something along the lines of - no I haven't. If you want to discuss anything further with me it's best to do in person.

What was the overall tone of the text?

loomer · 08/11/2011 20:21

YABU. Other girl's mum may just have been unaware of the issue and genuinely concerned to hear her daughter reporting that you were going into school about it. Always very difficult to read tone of voice in texts (ditto emails), so easy to take it the wrong way. Deep breath.

troisgarcons · 08/11/2011 20:22

How did she get your number?

Ignore the text. DO NOT respond.

Bandwithering · 08/11/2011 20:23

I'd ignore the text. Not sure why you mention that she's a sahm though? is that relevant? i'm a sahm but i'd ignore such a text.

I'm sure she doesn't see it as 'audacious' to be texting you if she believes her daughter (whatever her daughter has told her).

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 20:23

I would just say 'no - dd has told me that your dd has been telling other girls not to play with her but I'm hoping, at this point, it's something the girls can sort out themselves'.

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 20:24

Also meant to say she has probably texted because her dd has gone to her upset that she's going to be in trouble.

activate · 08/11/2011 20:25

text back

no there were problems with your dd upsetting dd by telling others not to play with her. DD so upset she wanted me to speak to teacher instead I chose to advise her how to deal with it but if she continues to be so upset by your DD's actions it might be worthwhile us both going to speak to school. lets hope it's one of those primary school things and will blow over.

and then put a smile

bumpybecky · 08/11/2011 20:25

I'd ignore the text.

I think I would speak to the teacher though if it's not settled down in a few days.

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 08/11/2011 20:25

Op and everyone else on this thread getting the hump on her behalf - please articulate and be specific about exactly why you are arsey/getting offended.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 08/11/2011 20:26

it's only a question. i think i'd want to know if there were going to be issues with my child in school and if my son told me what this girl has told her mum, i'd probably want to sort it out with the parents too.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 08/11/2011 20:26

Why not just call her? I imagine her DD might be upset and she just wants to get to the bottom of it.

munstersmum · 08/11/2011 20:26

RomanK's response is spot on.

unitarian · 08/11/2011 20:28

If your DD is so upset that she has asked you to talk to the teacher about it then I really think you should do.

Exactly the same thing happened to my DD. It is a form of bullying, very insidious and should be nipped in the bud. It is not a storm in a tea cup to your DD.

The mother is trying to intimidate you by texting you.

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 20:31

I don't personally think there's anything wrong with her asking the question. Just give an honest reply.

Blu · 08/11/2011 20:31

What Bibbity said.

Also, I would now go an talk to the school as your dd seems to badly want / need you too, and seems to be using your visit as a means of trying to deal with this girl. Or else your dd was stirring it a teeny way with the girl 'My Mum's going to complain about youooooo'. I agree with you abou coaching children to deal with thier own issues and ignorong storms in tea cups - amongst children and kids!

ballstoit · 08/11/2011 20:33

I agree with bbba, what's the problem with her asking you about this? Maybe she's hoping to get it sorted out?

Perhaps she didn't realise how out of order it was to disturb you when your time is so precious, as she's got so much time on her own hands

AurraSing · 08/11/2011 20:36

She won't be aware of any problem at school - her dd isn't going to tell her what she is doing, only what your dd is doing.

All she did was send you a text to find out what is going on, I don't see the problem.

helpmabob · 08/11/2011 20:37

I think RoamnK's response is spot on. The other mum may be really worried and nothing more than that. By replying you can nip it in the bud rather than it getting out of control

mollythetortoise · 08/11/2011 20:41

I agree with others to reply to her -no reply at all is a little passive aggressive and i also wouldn't want bad feeling.
I would reply and try to be light and breezy - "Hi X's mum, no, not going into school to complain. Not sure what has gone on exactly but fall outs happen! Hopefully they will make friends again tomorrow" - or something like that.

I guess your dd has told her dd that she is going to tell her mum and she'll tell the teacher etc and her dd is obviously worried.

Really best not to get involved - by yr 4 , these girls have known each other 5 years and have another 3 to go so I wouldn't want a big drama.

not a surprise to me that other mother has your number as i have aquired most numbers over the years due to parties etc and I keep them all just in case.

I wouldn't have sent a text like this in similar circumstances but perhaps her dd has been crying etc and it would ease her mind to know you will not be complaining and may make other dd change her behaviour towards your dd. I would be telling my dd to avoid this particular girl and try and play with others.

Original poster

lottielou39 · 08/11/2011 20:55

I did reply! I know I probably shouldn't have replied, but I did.
I said that I hadn't been in to discuss with the teacher, and that my daughter was upset after her daughter told other girls not to play with her, so this was most likely a comment made in retaliation.. I also said that we never know what goes on in the classroom.
So now she's replied (bloody hell) and said that her daughter was also upset on the same day because her P.E bag had been moved off its peg and someone told her that my daughter was responsible. Ruddy hell. Tit for Tat ad infinitum anyone? I've a feeling this could go on and on and on. And I think I'm allergic to discussing these friendship issues with the parents really. I'd rather they were left behind at the school. I don't think it ever ends well when parents talk to parents cos they always (and rightfully so) want to stand up for their child and defend their child regardless.
(tempted to get a childminder to do school runs for me, so I don't have to)

OP posts:

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