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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really really pissed off at this text from a playground Mum?

63 replies

lottielou39 · 08/11/2011 20:11

so youngest daughter is 8. She's had problems on and off with this girl in her class since Year 3. The girl in question is no angel (but her Mother thinks she is) because she was at one time (over a few months)reporting to the headmistresses office on a daily basis regarding her behaviour.
Anyway, yesterday my daughter came home in tears saying that this girl has been telling other girls not to play with her, in particular a little girl she's recently become close to. My daughter asked me to go into school and talk to her teacher about it because she was really upset. I didn't go in. I discussed it at home with her and gave her advice on what to do if this girl tries to interfere again. My philosophy is not to go into school unless it's really serious as these daft issues between Yr.4 girls are often just a storm in a teacup and parental interference can often exacerbate the problem.
So tonight I get a text from the girls Mother. I only know her fleetingly from the playground as I don't linger there; am always dashing to and from work,ve so don't have time to stop and chat unlike this girls Mum who is a SAHM. In her text, the girls Mother said that my daughter had told her daughter that I was going in to school to complain about her daughters behaviour and was it true? Obviously, there was some tit for tat retaliation going on, but wtf.. why the hell is she texting me? If I wanted to go in to school to discuss any issues my daughter has with her daughter (which I haven't thus far, although I could've done, quite easily, because this girl has upset her on several occasions) that's my prerogative surely? I've only gone in to school on a handful of occasions since I started doing school runs many many years ago because I prefer to let the teachers do their jobs and I wouldn't dream of discussing these friendship issues with parents in the playground because of the potential for bad feeling etc. And also because we are not there in the school with them, so never really know 100% what's happening. I just can't believe she had the audacity to text me and ask me if I'd been in to the school re. her daughter?
I officially hate the school run and playground politics.

OP posts:
RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 20:56

Did you reply after that?

Original poster
lottielou39 · 08/11/2011 21:00

no; I haven't sent a reply yet. I fowarded her texts to my husband to get his opinion. I hate these situations because at the end of it all...my daughter is telling me what her daughter has done, and her daughter is telling her Mum what my daughter has done. And we all instinctively stand up for our own children, don't we? And can they both be telling the truth? Is it always tit for tat? Who knows?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 08/11/2011 21:04

i wouldn't reply any more

however, I would go into school and talk to the teacher about it. your daughter needs to see that yo're taking this seriously, and if she has asked you to see the teacher because she is upset then i think you should listen to her and at least consider it.
i would say that if what she is saying is true then it's bordering on bullying, and if you can get the teacher to just keep an eye on them and maybe have a talk to the whole class about being nice to people etc etc then that may just be enough to put an end to it

Avantia · 08/11/2011 21:05

Just talk to her and bang all you heads together !

Thankfully have two boys so dont have these girl issues - but have friends who do and spekaing to the other mother and getting th girls together seems to sort it out .. until the next time .

Just speak with her - texting is ping pong !

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 21:05

Well I would assume your dd has said she's going to get you to go to the school and I would also assume she had some cause to do that but as for the pe bag - who knows? Have you asked your dd and would she tell you the truth?

FabbyChic · 08/11/2011 21:07

Id have text back if your daughter continues to try to allienate other children against her then yes I will go in, I don't agree with bullying in any form.

My fav saying for tonight is man up and stick up for your kids.

aquashiv · 08/11/2011 21:07

Jees the school run - was it like t his for our Mothers?

Avantia · 08/11/2011 21:09

Just talk to her - no wonder girls act like they do if their adults can't bloody talk to each other ! Angry

CarrieInAnotherBabi · 08/11/2011 21:12

bit odd you didnt go into the school if your dd asked you too, yes we never truely know what happens when we are not with them but surely your ultimatly responsible for her well being.

perhaps you should have have a quite informal word with her teacher after this happened.
as you you will probably need to now anyway

QuintessentialShadow · 08/11/2011 21:13

She is just a concerned mum wanting to find out if there are problems. No reason to be pissed off.

EightiesChick · 08/11/2011 21:16

Doing this by text is a bad idea. I would either not send a reply, but make sure you find her at the school tomorrow to speak in person, or text saying 'No - but let's speak about this tomorrow at school to avoid any misunderstandings', and then make sure you do. It's a daft idea of hers to have the conversation by text, so don't get drawn into any discussion of what's going on, even if it's to try and defuse things, by text message.

Original poster
lottielou39 · 08/11/2011 21:19

well I've just had my daughter in floods over the P.E bag; the sort of real passionate heartfelt tears when she's totally innocent of something.(she's a crap liar) She said she absolutely didn't move it. Other Mother has sent another text to say she'll speak to me tomorrow. Why that couldn't have just happened in the first place instead of sending me a HUGE text out of the blue, is beyond me.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 08/11/2011 21:21

What bibbity said. And as for having your number - I have all the parents numbers of my dc's classmates.

I wouldn't have text you in her position but I would have had a quiet word with the teacher to let her know there were some friendship issues and could she keep an eye on it.

Teachers don't know everything going on and in my experience would rather know if a child is upset about something. No need to be accusatory at all.

And I doubt her being a SAHM has much to do with it - she's just responding to an upset child albeit not in the way I would do so.

TartyMcFarty · 08/11/2011 21:21

You seem quite contemptuous of other mums OP - in particular I don't really see that the fact the other mum is SAHM is relevant. Perhaps she just wanted to address it with you directly to get it sorted, and presumably you know each other fairly well if she's got your number. I don't think that's unreasonable.

TartyMcFarty · 08/11/2011 21:23

Texting about anything other than casual stuff is always a bad idea though!

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/11/2011 21:23

I really wouldn't start discussing with the other mother - do it through the teachers.

aquashiv · 08/11/2011 21:25

How was the tone of her text the second one? I dont think really any Mother wants to get into a text slanging match unless she is mad - is she?
I am sure tomorrow she will have calmed down.

runningwilde · 08/11/2011 21:27

You should involve the school, that's is what they are there for

Original poster
lottielou39 · 08/11/2011 21:29

quite contemptuous of other Mums? Lol! How did you arrive at that daft conclusion?
I was a SAHM for nine years, so have no prejudice whatsoever against them. I know that there's far more time for SAHM's to linger for ages in the playground before and after school (because that's what I used to do) to discuss these things and one of the reasons I backed away from this Mother last year was because she constantly went on and on about other kids and other Mothers and wanted me to join in the moaning. And I didn't want to get involved. I do believe that some Mums are over involved in their kids disputes and overly defensive about their little cherubs.. I saw it with my eldest daughter too.
I also don't think it's any of her business to text me and ask if I'm going in to see the teacher about her daughter. It's really not appropriate to text asking me that, in my humble opinion.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 08/11/2011 21:33

Bloody hell, that too a bit of reading before you got to the point Grin

What I don't understand is, what does any of this have to do with the school run and how long you stay in the playground? Whether you rush off or you're a SAHM?

She asked you a question by text and all you had to do was reply with 'no'

I've been a school Mum since Dinosaurs roamed the earth and I think in all that time I've only got a few phone numbers....and that was only because my kids were very close friends with theirs.

FabbyChic · 08/11/2011 21:36

Of course she is going to ask if you are seeing a teacher about her child, that is a natural thing for her to want to know, because she probably wants to resolve it between you, don't be so dense.

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/11/2011 21:39

I agree she shouldn't have text you because I really think anything like that should go through the teachers.

So I just wouldn't engage with her but I would have a word with your DD's teacher as it seems as though your DD is very upset. And I know I've done the whole relying on teachers to sort everything out and sometimes they just haven't noticed theres a problem.

So if I were you when other mum approaches you tomorrow I'd just brush her off with a 'well who knows what happens when we're not there' and then talk to the teacher. Good luck.

Original poster
lottielou39 · 08/11/2011 21:40

what does it have to do with the school run? Well, I was dragged into discussions with this Mother last year re. another girl and felt really uncomfortable being encouraged to assume that this other little girl and her Mum were at fault, and didn't want to get drawn into discussions which resulted in slagging off primary school girls and their Mothers. Maybe my school is unique, but there are a few groups of Mum's who frequently (because I've stood with them in the past) discuss issues like this openly and with vitriol. That's why I really prefer to keep it between myself, my daughter and her teacher. Is that so unreasonable?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 08/11/2011 21:41

But Fabby tis madness to try and sort out every squabble with other parents - far more sensible to go through the teachers. It needn't be accusatory but just alert the teacher to some problems.

I thought thats how most people dealt with friendship issues at school.

Original poster
lottielou39 · 08/11/2011 21:43

yes MrsCambellBlack, that's how everyone I know deals with friendship problems. They don't send very long rambling texts to other Mums out of the blue!

OP posts:
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