to be really really pissed off at this text from a playground Mum?

[lottielou39]

so youngest daughter is 8. She's had problems on and off with this girl in her class since Year 3. The girl in question is no angel (but her Mother thinks she is) because she was at one time (over a few months)reporting to the headmistresses office on a daily basis regarding her behaviour.
Anyway, yesterday my daughter came home in tears saying that this girl has been telling other girls not to play with her, in particular a little girl she's recently become close to. My daughter asked me to go into school and talk to her teacher about it because she was really upset. I didn't go in. I discussed it at home with her and gave her advice on what to do if this girl tries to interfere again. My philosophy is not to go into school unless it's really serious as these daft issues between Yr.4 girls are often just a storm in a teacup and parental interference can often exacerbate the problem.
So tonight I get a text from the girls Mother. I only know her fleetingly from the playground as I don't linger there; am always dashing to and from work,ve so don't have time to stop and chat unlike this girls Mum who is a SAHM. In her text, the girls Mother said that my daughter had told her daughter that I was going in to school to complain about her daughters behaviour and was it true? Obviously, there was some tit for tat retaliation going on, but wtf.. why the hell is she texting me? If I wanted to go in to school to discuss any issues my daughter has with her daughter (which I haven't thus far, although I could've done, quite easily, because this girl has upset her on several occasions) that's my prerogative surely? I've only gone in to school on a handful of occasions since I started doing school runs many many years ago because I prefer to let the teachers do their jobs and I wouldn't dream of discussing these friendship issues with parents in the playground because of the potential for bad feeling etc. And also because we are not there in the school with them, so never really know 100% what's happening. I just can't believe she had the audacity to text me and ask me if I'd been in to the school re. her daughter?
I officially hate the school run and playground politics.

No - I would have been rather shocked by that if it were me.

Oh I see what you mean. I don't stand with parents like that...never have and never will.

OP... Your 8 year old daughter in tears at nearly twenty past nine in the evening. Did you really need to tackle the PE bag issue before she goes to bed? It's all getting blown up out of proportion and quite honestly, why adults hold conversations like this by text is beyond me. Nobody has my number, nor ever will, for this very reason.

How cowardly sending you a text. At least phone someone if you are going to make accusations.

Oh God, I've been doing the school playground for many years and I despair of it. The trouble is, parents are twice as hurt for their children as they are for themselves and go into Lioness mode. I've had a recent situation with a parent of a very controlling child accusing my child of bullying. Everyone I know has had difficulty with this child, (who I happen to have a real soft spot for and I think he can't help himself), but tell that to the parents...

I never let a burning injustice burn because to a small child its so important so I think you do need to go in and see teacher, she needs to see that Mummy is 100% on her side. 8 year olds can't sort things out themselves, you can try to give them confidence but this sounds like its gone too far, she's too upset. Things like this are ENORMOUS to children, its up to you to give it a sense of perspective. I've been in a couple of times, no problem at current school (previous school shut doors and lay on floors when they saw me!) and I say to the children one day you might need to do this for your little girl eh?! Sometimes they ask me not to go in, sometimes they do. I am guided, up to a point, by them.

I wouldn't have replied to text other than to say no, or let's talk about this tomorrow - never be drawn into texting with anyone. Hope you can sort it out tomorrow.

yep Bakelitebelle, that's exactly why these conversations are so futile because a) we're not at school with them so don't see what happens and
b) parents will always always defend their children and see problems from their childs perspective, so rarely does anyone get to the bottom of it

but yes, I will be going in to the school to have a chat with the teacher about it.

I would try to end the texting this evening on a pleasant note "Hopefully we can catch up at the school in the morning and get things sorted between the girls so that they can put it all behind them", and then speak face to face. If you can't resolve it or the mum gets arsey then I would speak to the teacher.

BTW someone asked did our mums go through this? Well I am 49 now and my Mum has been gone many many years but when I was 8 she went into my primary school and tackled the bullies. She only did it once.

One of the girls who then bullied me is now one of my dearest friends and 40 years on she still says to me "I'll never forget the day your mum came into the school!!" - apparently she was formidable!

I had a similar sort of thing earlier this year - DD and a friend having normal 8 year old fall outs, other Mum wrote to teacher to complain about my DD bullying her DD, I spoke with teacher (who said there was no bullying going on), other Mum phoned and texted me to ask me to sort out my daughter, then next day (when DD had brought in a sorry card for her DD) texted me to ask DD to go for a sleepover......

My advice - don't get drawn into discussions with the other Mum, let the school deal with it - as you say Mums find it very very hard to stay objective about these things (I could quite happily have slapped the other Mum for daring to accuse my DD of being a bully!)

Oh and DD and her friend are getting on fine now (friend is coming with DD and other friends to cinema next week), and I'm being polite to the other Mum. Seemed like a huge deal at the time, but it's just one of those things which eventually blows over.

OP I sympathise, I have been in a similar situation myself recently and it made things very awkward between a group of 4 of us (mums) who'd been friends for a while. Basically one mum confronted us all separately in a very polite but passive aggressive way to say our 3 had been ganging up on her 1. They are in reception btw I've only been involved in school ground crap for half a term and it's grim!! None of us knew what had been said to the other and we all became v tense around each other. I talked to dd 4 at the time and she said she wouldn't do anything again and a convoluted story i couldn't follow. The nest time I saw this little girl she asked dd to go to hers for a sleep over . I do empathise with the Mums perspective but her dd runs crying to her literally all the time, and she gets ++++ attention. She also has a lot of control over things that aren't age appropriate eg bedtimes and quite often dictates her care which can make kids anxious.

I think by 8 they can sort some things out themselves and as you've said you only ever hear one side of the story. I think if it was serious the teachers would have approached you first surely? Also it's bad practice on their part to discuss other children with you, they might be able to say there's been some friction but not who it's between IYSWIM.

I think being breezy with the Mum and approaching the teachers discreetly is your best bet. Also look out for any other signs your daughter is being bullied, isolative behaviour, personality changes, tearfulness, anger, increased anxiety, sleep upset, change in appetite, bad dreams, clinginess, lost of interest in activities, somatic symptoms and attempts at school avoidance. Also help her increase her resilience by doing a bit of stuff about social relationships and emotional literacy and make sure she sees lots of her other mates outside school.

best of luck

I'm v wary of ANY gossipy stuff too OP, i always keep it superficial and neutral in the playground. The mum I'd just referred to at one point tried to gossip with me about another mum who i didn't know but I brushed it off and said something neutral. Nothing to be gained from getting involved IMO.

Also if kids are angry, bullying etc you don't know what horribleness is going on for them elsewhere. i know of a child and her Mother who've been deliberately and purposefully ostracised at another school and their situation is awful, just awful, I've tried to politely hint at this when I've overheard stuff just to nip it in the bud, v unpleasant .

thanks minxofmancunia, sensible words there. Glad I'm not the only one to feel really uncomfortable about all of this. I'm so jealous of friend who don't do the school run because their Mothers or childminders do it instead!