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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my mum is selfish

55 replies

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 15:51

My mum visits every Tuesday. She used to visit in the morning but now comes in the afternoon because dd is in nursery in the mornings.
She always comes here and we are never invited there. We have been to her house (my childhood home) on a few occasions since I moved out but it has been made clear that it is a huge imposition on her part and she has either given us crisps or nothing to eat if our visits have coincided with a meal time despite having over a weeks notice - anyway I digress.
We got a letter from the school the other day telling us the date of dd's first Christmas play at school.
Obviously me and dh would both love to attend.
Time off work won't be a prob for dh as he can switch from a day to an evening shift if he gives notice. But we do have a 21 month old ds who absolutely hates sitting on knees/being strapped into a pushchair and will scream blue murder through the entire performance. Other than his dislike of being restricted he is a very placid boy and happily entertains himself playing with his cars etc. He very very rarely cries and is no trouble whatsoever.
Considering this I asked my mum today if she would mind coming in the morning that Tuesday and watching ds for an hour. Despite the fact she has never offered to babysit before I thought she might as a one off. She said she would think about it but it would most likely be a no.....because it would involve getting up earlier.
It then occurred to me that every couple of months she comes to me at the crack of dawn so I can cut and colour her hair before dh leaves for work. I told her I will have a think about whether I will be available to do it for her next time. She said I was being mean. I think I'm just treating her as she treats me. AIBU?

OP posts:
DrSeuss · 08/11/2011 16:01

She is being a cow and you would be quite reasonable to be unavailable to do her hair next time.

Nativities are often very informal. If your boy hates being restrained but can play by himself, why not just take some toys and a mat, sit at the back and let him play? If he gets too noisy take him outside.

MrBloomsNursery · 08/11/2011 16:02

No you're not. She seems very lazy. Has she gradually developed this type of personality, or has she always been like this?

GypsyMoth · 08/11/2011 16:06

Most schools have a crèche service, if not, you and your DH can wait outside with him and see half the 'play' each

TheSkiingGardener · 08/11/2011 16:07

No you're not. I think a bit of treating her as she treats you and gently explaining why may help her realise that she is being a bit unfair in the way she treats those around her.

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 16:07

I could try I suppose but he's not one for sitting on mats! I thought some food treats might keep him quiet for a few minutes but I would bet my bottom dollar that one of us will have to leave with him after 5 minutes max.
I think I will just let dh go as I'm taking her to panto so wouldn't really be fair to hog the play as well. I'm sure next year ds will be old enough to go.

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 08/11/2011 16:08

YANBU
incredibly unkind of her not to babysit her GC in the first instant.
even more selfish of her not to considering that you do her hair and i'm making the huge assumption that you do it for free too which makes it worse Grin
you are more than within your rights to be "unavailable" to her next time

ENormaSnob · 08/11/2011 16:12

yanbu

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 16:16

Sorry x-posted a lot. She has pretty much always been the way she is so not a great surprise.
I will ask about a creche. He has been in the creche there before on parents evening and was fine.
We could do half the play each but we would both want to see dd's 'bit' if they do 'bits' in nursery productions!

OP posts:
herbietea · 08/11/2011 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ItWasABoojum · 08/11/2011 16:17

YANBU. She's being rotten.

Is there nobody else who could have DS for a while?

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 16:18

I do do her hair for free. I'm not a hairdresser so would be a bit cheeky to charge!

OP posts:
RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 16:20

There's no other family to have ds. I do have a good mum friend at the school who I'm sure would have him but her child will also be in the play.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 08/11/2011 16:21

My first thought was that the words 'Mum' and 'selfish' rarely go together. On this occasion they seem too!

KittyFane · 08/11/2011 16:21

She's being unfair. I think you were right to point out that you do her favours.

Petesmum · 08/11/2011 16:22

I agree with the others, she's being very self centred & childish "it's all about me"
I'd definitely start to be less available when she needs her hair doing.

TestAnswers · 08/11/2011 16:23

YANBU - she does seem more than a little selfish! At least she is honest about it...wow!

Not sure I would be able to bring myself to do her hair in future.

wifey6 · 08/11/2011 16:25

I think it's about give & take....but you are the one doing all the giving as your mum is doing all the taking. Have you ever tried to talk to her about her behaviour? It does seem selfish of her.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 08/11/2011 16:28

Our infant nativity doesn't allow toddlers except on Fridays

YANBU OP

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 16:38

I do try to talk to her sometimes. There are other issues as well. She is usually quite ignorant when you speak to her. As in you know she's not listening because she will respond inappropriately or just completely ignore what you have said and start talking about something she wants to talk about. If I ever mention any of her ways she says I'm being mean and that I should just accept her the way she is.
She doesn't have one friend which I find quite sad but she doesn't mind/want to make any because she prefers her own company.
I likely wouldn't have a lot to do with her if it wasn't for the children. She hasn't done anything so awful to deserve not having contact with them.

OP posts:
Annpan88 · 08/11/2011 16:41

YANBU. I think you know its not a case that you expect your mum to watch your children at the drop of a hat. You do plenty for her and want a tiny favour.

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 17:02

Whoever said she seems lazy is dead on. She is very lazy. Little irritating things like she holds her plate up for me or dh to collect when she has finished eating instead of putting it on the side. And she will hold on to a piece of rubbish for hours until she thinks someone might be passing the bin. I always direct her to the relevant place when she tries to shove things at me now. She has no health issues she's just lazy. I think part of it is my dads fault as he is obsessively tidy to the extent that when I lived at home I would pick up a sandwich to take a bite and look down to find that the plate was gone and washed up! I was lazy when I moved out and the first flat me and dh lived in was a tip as he is lazy too! We have had to learn to pick up after ourselves but mum has been with dad a long time and I don't think she'll change.

OP posts:
wifey6 · 08/11/2011 17:07

It does sound like she hasn't had to do much for herself...so the idea of doing something for someone else obviously doesn't sit well with her. It makes me sad to read your tread as your mum should be your support system.

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 17:22

I think you're right wifey.
I don't do too badly though. DH is great and now ds is sleeping through more consistently my sis has offered to babysit so we can go for an evening out with friends next week which will be the first since before the kids so I'm looking forward to that. It will involve sis taking a day off work and travelling from the other side of the country too so we're v grateful.

OP posts:
wifey6 · 08/11/2011 17:26

That's is very lovely of your sister to do that! Maybe distance yourself from your mum for a while...( I too am soon this with my sisters who are toxic to me)....

mumnotmachine · 08/11/2011 17:31

Is it possible to have a word with the nursery teacher and see if they are doing a dress rehearsal as well (our school do it day before for the whole school) and see if you or your OH could go to that, then the other go on the day? That way theres someone with baby and your mothers chaotic social life wont be interrupted