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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my mum is selfish

55 replies

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 15:51

My mum visits every Tuesday. She used to visit in the morning but now comes in the afternoon because dd is in nursery in the mornings.
She always comes here and we are never invited there. We have been to her house (my childhood home) on a few occasions since I moved out but it has been made clear that it is a huge imposition on her part and she has either given us crisps or nothing to eat if our visits have coincided with a meal time despite having over a weeks notice - anyway I digress.
We got a letter from the school the other day telling us the date of dd's first Christmas play at school.
Obviously me and dh would both love to attend.
Time off work won't be a prob for dh as he can switch from a day to an evening shift if he gives notice. But we do have a 21 month old ds who absolutely hates sitting on knees/being strapped into a pushchair and will scream blue murder through the entire performance. Other than his dislike of being restricted he is a very placid boy and happily entertains himself playing with his cars etc. He very very rarely cries and is no trouble whatsoever.
Considering this I asked my mum today if she would mind coming in the morning that Tuesday and watching ds for an hour. Despite the fact she has never offered to babysit before I thought she might as a one off. She said she would think about it but it would most likely be a no.....because it would involve getting up earlier.
It then occurred to me that every couple of months she comes to me at the crack of dawn so I can cut and colour her hair before dh leaves for work. I told her I will have a think about whether I will be available to do it for her next time. She said I was being mean. I think I'm just treating her as she treats me. AIBU?

OP posts:
mumnotmachine · 08/11/2011 17:35

If you explain to teacher you are concerned that DS isnt likely to sit quietly and you are concious of it disrupting the play, they may be very accomodatiing!!

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 17:50

Good idea mumnotmachine I will ask about a dress rehearsal if there's no creche Smile

OP posts:
DrSeuss · 08/11/2011 18:03

Where do you live, Roman? Maybe one of us could help.

zookeeper · 08/11/2011 18:07

Why don't you just get a babysitter? Confused

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 08/11/2011 18:09

YANBU and not doing her hair is not being mean.
Stick to your guns and do not do her hair she is SELFISH

ChitChattingWithKids · 08/11/2011 18:15

zookeeper - babysitters for daytime can be bloomin hard to find! I tried several times through Sitters with over a month's notice to no avail!!!!!!!!

DrSeuss · 08/11/2011 18:20

You could always give her hair a go. T'would be so sad if it came out too short or a funny colour.....Wink

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 18:23

Haha now that WOULD be mean Grin

OP posts:
mumnotmachine · 08/11/2011 18:31

DrSeuss - I like the way your mind works!!!
Sniggers*

wifey6 · 08/11/2011 18:35

DrSeuss...Grin I think we were all thinking that.....good on you for saying it!

Avenged · 08/11/2011 18:42

Sometimes treating people the way they treat others is a good wake-up call to them about their behaviour. They can then decide to change their behaviour for the better, or stay the way they are and end up with little or no contact with people because of it.

So OP, keep treating you mum they way she treats you and hopefully she'll see how why she's being treated like that.

Hope you get his sorted.

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 18:50

I hope so Avenged but going on previous I think it's more likely that she'll just feel sorry herself that other people aren't being nice to her whilst remaining unaware that it is because of her behaviour - even if it's spelled out to her that that is why.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 09/11/2011 09:56

Honestly, I don't mean to be critical, but I just don't understand why you can't get a sitter - have you really not been out with your DH since before you had your dcs?

zookeeper · 09/11/2011 09:57

..and yes I would definitely sabotage her hair Smile

halcyondays · 09/11/2011 11:13

How do you conjure a sitter out of thin air, zookeeper?

zookeeper · 09/11/2011 11:29

You do what lots of people do; ask around if anyone knows of one, ask at the nursery if any of their staff could help out if the have a day off,ask at the school gates if anyone knows of a teenager who could help out for a couple of hours etc. Then you meet that person and see if you could trust them etc etc. Not terribly hard really Confused

zookeeper · 09/11/2011 11:30

Am I the only person who uses babysitters??? Confused

halcyondays · 09/11/2011 11:45

I've asked more than once but never found anyone. Mine didn't go to nursery, I once tried to get somebody a friend knew who worked in a nursery and babysat in the evening sometimes, but she never got back to me. It's probably harder to find someone to babysit during the day, most teenagers would be at school or work. Put it this way, it would be a lot easier for op's mum to find a hairdresser than to find a babysitter just for an hour or two for a morning. It isn't much to ask of her mum, is it, it would only be an hour or do, as a one off?

LordOfTheFlies · 09/11/2011 11:47

The issue seems to be more than the hair here.

You don't go to her house and if you do it's an imposition. You are not given a meal (when they are eating) just a bag of crisps. And they are family!
I would never let a guest go hungry. If my DCs have friends over I rustle up chips/pizza/chicken.

She comes over to you when it suits her
She won't help you on a milestone of your DC1 education (school play) It's not like you're off shopping.

Would you let a friend treat you like this? No!

If she wants her hair done, tell her it'll have to be at a time to suit you not silly-o-clock.
Or it's time to cut off the favours.

YA sooo NBU

Kitsilano · 09/11/2011 11:47

YANBU she's being outrageous!

corygal · 09/11/2011 11:51

Yanbu.

She is idle - and you have to learn to minimise the effect it has on you. She sounds a bit wearying and self-obsessed too. Detach.

zookeeper · 09/11/2011 11:55

Halycon I completely agree - the op's mum sounds awful and she is not being unreasonable to be annoyed by her. For that reason I wouldn't expect anything of her and would concentrate on building up a network of people who I could ask. A sister who lives on the other side of the country as the only alternative option isn't ideal.

It's not easy to find a day sitter but not impossible by any means. If I were her (and you) I would keep asking around. I did it and it worked. I'm a lone parent and the op has the added advantage that , say, if she finds another school mum who can help out for the play she can offer to babysit for her one evening in return whilst her dh minds her own dcs.

zookeeper · 09/11/2011 11:57

Halycon I completely agree - the op's mum sounds awful and she is not being unreasonable to be annoyed by her. For that reason I wouldn't expect anything of her and would concentrate on building up a network of people who I could ask. A sister who lives on the other side of the country as the only alternative option isn't ideal.

It's not easy to find a day sitter but not impossible by any means. If I were her (and you) I would keep asking around. I did it and it worked. I'm a lone parent and the op has the added advantage that , say, if she finds another school mum who can help out for the play she can offer to babysit for her one evening in return whilst her dh minds her own dcs.

ShoutyHamster · 09/11/2011 12:10

What a lazy, ignorant, grasping woman.

I would be quite cheerful about the fact that unless she was available to babysit - ONCE! FGS - then no, she could go whistle next time she wanted her hair done for free.

Being mean? Err, no, mum, that appears to be you.

Very sad for you OP. What a nasty old taker she is.

pinkdelight · 09/11/2011 12:23

YANBU, but I assumed until one of your later posts that she was alone. Could your dad not help out instead?

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