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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to want to set the rules?

59 replies

Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 14:46

My parents look after DD 2 days per week. This is a new arrangement; DD is 4.

They love her very much, but I get the feeling they prefer it when I hand over a freshly washed / ironed child with home-cooked food all ready to bung in the microwave, and am back within the hour to take her away again.

So.. my dilemma... they carry on their lives as normal, they just take her with them. I find this quite sad, I would think they would want to 'sacrifice' some of their time. I don't like the food they serve (lots of ready meals etc) and I definately dont want her sleeping in the day, which they give her so they can have a break. (I then spend the rest of the week trying to get back to a normal routine)..

They are doing me a massive favour. They are saving me lots of money. I have no choice because I need to work and childcare is sooo expensive. But I find it so annoying that they don't listen to what I want them to do. What would you do about it?

OP posts:
spookshowangellovesit · 07/11/2011 14:48

free child care....suck it up or pay for someone. i mean yeah sure you can ask for things but if they are not doing them then what can you do?

slavetofilofax · 07/11/2011 14:49

There's nothing you can do, if you want the free childcare you have to put up with it.

But you could send her with packed lunches or cook meals that they just have to heat and serve if you want her to eat better.

fuzzynavel · 07/11/2011 14:49

Well yes, they are doing you the favour aren't they as you don't pay them. You sound like a bit of a control freak to be honest. No wonder they like to pass your daughter back. Bet you turn up with a face like a slapped arse.

Original poster
Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 14:50

I know, I know... it's horrible. But I just feel so stuck - they do not listen to me!! I think they still think they know best, therefore my opinion doesn't count IFKWIM? I need to get comfortable with it, or get angry.. trouble is, I know they need a break god knows i do too - but I don't get one!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 14:52

No, I don't turn up with a face like that actually, I'mkind, grateful, thankful and flexible. I just don't want to spend the entire evening trying to get her to sleep when it turns out she's been asleep all afternoon without me knowing about it!

OP posts:
eaglewings · 07/11/2011 14:52

Hard hat time
Many mners don't have parents who would give up even a few minutes of their time to help out
Can you not let routine be more flexible and make all other meals in the week healthy and forget about the ones when she is with them?
Did their care of you food wise really damage you?

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 07/11/2011 14:52

Well in that case use a CM who will do exactly what you want.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 07/11/2011 14:54

agree with eaglewings. My mum wouldn't look after DD even if we would let her. my ILs have BIL's 3 children to stop over every weekend so there isn't time for them to see ours and my Dad has a new wife and a new family and isn't interested in us either.

Original poster
Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 14:55

Yes. Food was very damaging - I have health issues as a result now. And having previously paid for full time childcare I very much appreciate the free help. The arrangement changed because she was diagnosed with a SN condition. I am concerned that her food is the very best nutritionally because I think it will help her long term.

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 07/11/2011 14:58

They have her 2 days a week for nothing (not every day so presume she sleeps well the other 5) so I'd just suck it up or pay a childminder.

Original poster
Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 15:01

Yes, I think you are probably right. I love all of them dearly and do'nt wnt to upset any of them. It's so sad that they don't seem to want to give up any of their time - it's only 2 days, they do everything else they want to as they no longer work.
She doesn't sleep well the other 5 as routine is all over the place. I work FT and struggle. I also struggle to pay bills etc - CM / nursery is a lot round here and I'm on my own.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 07/11/2011 15:06

actually i am with you OP.

yes yes i get the whole, "it's free childcare. be grateful you have it and dont whinge even if they have set up an IV drip with fruitshoot into her bloodstream"

but at the end of the day they aren't this child's parent and if they are happy to care for her then tehy should do exactly that, and it should be according to her parents' wishes. if they aren't happy to care for a child the way her parents want then they should say no.

OP be aware that alot of people dont have grandparents/family to help out and so responses may be based on jealousy rather than logical thought.

Original poster
Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 15:09

Oh thanks Heres the thing! I posted on here to get the harsher comments (shake me out of my stupid thoughts and get on with it) but how kind someone can see my POV!!
It's not that I don't appreciate it... it's that I don't want her sleep to be disrupted - I'm only just holding onto my sanity as it is!!

OP posts:
TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 07/11/2011 15:09

Having said that, if you have agreed to look after someone else'd child, I think you ought to look after them according to the parents wishes, whether you are getting paid or not.

I would and if someone is babysitting for any length of time, I expect them to offer my DCs the same level of care as I would offer them myself.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 07/11/2011 15:10

just to add, i am one of those people who didn't have family available to care for my dcs when working. i had to pay for nurseries and CMers on a part-time wage as a LP but i am not bitter. some people have more help than others. that's life. i dont begrudge anyone the help they get. parenting is tough for most people.

Original poster
Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 15:12

Yes it is tough. I can guarantee you that the one and only thing I care about is her helath and happiness. For those of you who have 'normal' happy healthy kids, I am Envy

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 07/11/2011 15:12

of course you appreciate it. but it can be hard to appreciate a favour when that favour can actually make things more difficult ( her diet and sleep pattern).

PattySimcox · 07/11/2011 15:13

Dsis and I have done a jumble of reciprocal childcare for each other.

I would always stick to her rules and would expect her to do the same for me.

Original poster
Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 15:15

So... how do I change them? Have tried talking to them... it doesn't work.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 07/11/2011 15:22

i'm not sure you can Sad

i know if it was my mum she would either carry on doing her own thing anyway and lie to me about ds 'not needing a sleep' or 'didn't like the food you sent' or she would do it my way and resent it, make snide, PA remarks through my children and it would be a huge source of stress so i wouldn't even entertain the idea of my mum having my dcs. i know you dont have the luxury of using full time childcare though. not sure what to suggest but you do have my sympathy.

Original poster
Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 15:26

Noooo, that's my point. However I can and will provide fresh, home made food for all of them to eat. And I can take away the car seat so they don't 'go for a drive' at 4pm, because they want a cuppa in peace!! Wink Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

OP posts:
sue52 · 07/11/2011 15:27

You either have to pay for childcare or put up with your parents ways. As you say, they are doing you a massive favour and saving you a shed load of cash.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 07/11/2011 15:27

Sorry but YABU and precious. Why should they 'give up their lives' to do you a favour? You don't get to give people orders unless you're paying them.

Idontknowhowtohelpher · 07/11/2011 15:27

When will your daughter be going to school? If you can see that this is only for a limited time could you cope with it better?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 07/11/2011 15:30

actually SGB when it's to do with your children i think your opinion counts TBH, whether paying for that care or not. if people want to do favours, then do the favour that is being asked, not what they can be bothered to do. it isn't a favour if it's not doing what the person actually needs done is it?

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