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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to want to set the rules?

59 replies

Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 14:46

My parents look after DD 2 days per week. This is a new arrangement; DD is 4.

They love her very much, but I get the feeling they prefer it when I hand over a freshly washed / ironed child with home-cooked food all ready to bung in the microwave, and am back within the hour to take her away again.

So.. my dilemma... they carry on their lives as normal, they just take her with them. I find this quite sad, I would think they would want to 'sacrifice' some of their time. I don't like the food they serve (lots of ready meals etc) and I definately dont want her sleeping in the day, which they give her so they can have a break. (I then spend the rest of the week trying to get back to a normal routine)..

They are doing me a massive favour. They are saving me lots of money. I have no choice because I need to work and childcare is sooo expensive. But I find it so annoying that they don't listen to what I want them to do. What would you do about it?

OP posts:

Sidge · 07/11/2011 15:37

You say "It's so sad that they don't seem to want to give up any of their time - it's only 2 days, they do everything else they want to as they no longer work." yet they are giving up 2 days of their time to look after a 4 year old with special needs.

That's a pretty big commitment on their behalf, especially if they're older (I guess 60 plus if they're retired).

If you want it all done your way then you're going to have to pay for it and choose professional childcare. Otherwise you'll have to accept that they need to adapt their day to suit them as well as your daughter, as difficult as that may make life for you.

You can't have it all ways.

worraliberty · 07/11/2011 15:38

Why shouldn't they 'carry on their lives as normal and just take her with them?'

She's one of the family....surely you don't expect a brass band and bunting?

Original poster

Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 15:46

Hopefully she'll go next year, if she makes it. It is only a short time.

Part of the problem is my extreme exhaustion I suppose.

And, solidgold you can f off. I am the least precious person you would ever meet in your life. Is it so unreasonable of me to want to do the best I can for a child with SN? Is it so unreasonable of me to work full time to pay my way in life, and find a way? Is it so unreasonable to think my parents would want to engage with their GC?

No. It is not. So get lost.

OP posts:

calamityboo · 07/11/2011 15:48

well yes your parents are doing you a huge favour, but of course you want your little one to eat and sleep properly, it is one of the most difficult things to let gp's look after children beause you cannot moan or criticise them, they just say 'well you didnt turn out too bad' on the other hand this is your child and your parents have to understand that your decisions on the way your child is raised should be obeyed. I think you might have to look again at the situation, if they cannot provide healthy food or have the stamina to entertain her for a full day, this is probably not the best solution for you. i dont think YABU for feeling the way you do, but how to help her has a good point, will she be at school soon? is this just a short term issue??

OrmIrian · 07/11/2011 15:49

"It's so sad that they don't seem to want to give up any of their time - it's only 2 days, they do everything else they want to as they no longer work"

Eh? So 2 days dpesn't count as giving up any of their time?

Original poster

Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 15:51

THe 2 days they have her they kind of ignore her. Plonked in front of the telly for a lot of it, some interaction with toys etc but not much. Invite their friends round and expect her to sit quietly in the corner and entertain herself. She is not able to do so really.

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 07/11/2011 15:52

Have you told them exactly what you need? re food and sleep etc. Could you put it in terms of what the HCP have said she must/must not have? Would that carry more weight with them?

Original poster

Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 15:55

I need to go now, thanks all of you for your help.

Apart from some, you know who you are...

OP posts:

calamityboo · 07/11/2011 15:56

well ormirian, no i dont think they are giving up their time, they are not nurturing the little one and would prefer her to be asleep rather than bothering them, they might be making sure she is safe but they are not caring. My ds is sn and i was on my own with him for 6 years, i am right behind you noodle!!!!!

calamityboo · 07/11/2011 15:57

i need to type quicker, hope it gets sorted.

Proudnscary · 07/11/2011 16:01

Oh, you really are being unreasonable.

If they left her outside the pub for two hours while they got pissed, or locked her in the attic, then you could argue that they should play by your rules.

Letting her sleep and taking them out and about with them is really not a big deal. And, honestly, TWO days a week of free childcare is like gold dust.

I'd give them a bit of slack Noodle, honestly.

Original poster

Noodlemacdoodle · 07/11/2011 16:01

Calamity, you are right. Should've stuck it in SN.

Really am going now... will be late!

OP posts:

hocuspontas · 07/11/2011 16:02

You DO know that gps don't have to follow the EYFS nor be inspected by OFSTED...

TeddyRuxpin · 07/11/2011 16:04

I think YABU about them going about their lives and taking your DD with them. Unless they are putting her in danger or being neglectful, I don't see how this is a problem.
I'm not sure about the sleeping or food situation.
I don't see how anyone could be forced to go to sleep, so maybe she is tired?
The poor quality food would bother me (depending how bad it was of course) but if it's only 2 days a week, it's not going to do her much harm.
Could you send a meal that you have prepared with her to "save them the trouble of making her something"?

I think some posters on this thread have been quite harsh. Just because you get free childcare doesn't mean you shouldn't still have a say in how your child is cared for.

Guitargirl · 07/11/2011 16:08

It could be a generational thing. I was born in 1976 and as a child very much fitted in with my parents' routine. My memories of weekends as a child revolve around following my DMum and DDad around DIY shops on a Saturday and pottering about at home on a Sunday whilst Mum did the ironing and Dad did other stuff about the house. After-school childcare was my grandparents who were lovely and I have such warm memories of being in their house. BUT they didn't 'play' with me, I went with my Nan everywhere - shopping, hairdresser, even the 'old age' club. I loved it!

startail · 07/11/2011 16:12

Sorry no sympathy from those of us who have no living inlaws and infirm parents who live a long way away.
Please count your lucky stars, sorry.

Sossiges · 07/11/2011 16:12

Oh Guitargirl, that brings back memories! Major event - going out with dad to buy a sack of potatoes!

Sossiges · 07/11/2011 16:15

OP - go with the flow, they sound ok and like you say, they are doing you a massive favour, so don't be so picky

CheerfulYank · 07/11/2011 16:16

DS sort of just "fits in" with my life.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 07/11/2011 16:17

what a pointless post startail.

AllGoodNamesGone · 07/11/2011 16:27

Startail, do any of your children have SN? Or perhaps you only read the first post before commenting?

Noodle, I would send her a packed lunch and, as long as she is safe and happy, accept their way of doing things.

I would, however, try to get them to understand not to let her sleep during the day. It is a big deal to mess her sleep pattern up - I also have one with SN and I know this! I'll bet they wouldn't take her out for a 4pm drive if they had her overnight!

If they can't/won't change this, could you possibly afford for her go to nursery/childminder (wherever she goes the rest of the time you are at work) during the afternoons? Maybe the gps could the be encouraged to do a bit more with her in the mornings safe in the knowledge they are going to be handing her over somewhere at lunchtime?

AllGoodNamesGone · 07/11/2011 16:28

Sorry, shouldn't have singled Startail out.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 07/11/2011 16:33

I guess there is always a trade off in these kinds of arrangements, and in this case you are having to trade having total control of your daughter's day in exchange for the free childcare. It doesn't sound to me that they're doing anything wrong as such, presumably if you are at home with your DD you do things like housework, shopping, meet friends etc and she just fits into your day? If you want total control and to make rules for your childcarer then you need to either have a CM or a nursery

PeppaPigandGeorge · 07/11/2011 16:37

Well, because some people's parents are dead / infirm / unwilling / live far away, that means you have no right at all to complain about anything to do with GP based childcare, for that makes you ungrateful and spoilt.

On a practical note, I cook in batches and pack food up in ready meal style packets ready to go in the microwave. How about this?

Also, maybe they just don't know where to take her that is more child friendly - could you get them an annual pass to something that they could take her to?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 07/11/2011 16:48

Maybe get them to have her overnight - that'll soon wake them up to the fact that an afternoon sleep for a 4 year old is not a good idea!

As for her tagging along while they do their own thing. It's pretty much how a lot of us were brought up, so if she was NT I'd say them's the breaks - but really it depends on her SN's.

It must be really hard being a LP to a child with SN. I'd hope family would do what they could to make it a little easier for you.

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