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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist MIL & FIL stay in a hotel if they want to come for Xmas?

75 replies

carocaro · 07/11/2011 11:28

Me and DH had massive bust up with his Mum and Father in Law last Xmas. They have not spoken to me since and DH has spoken to his Mum a few times. No apology, nothing, it was hideous and not our fault to cut a long story short.

They now say they would like to come for Xmas and I think NOOOOOOO.

Many many reasons why eg: DS's would have to share a bedroom, bathroom a state and needs redoing which we all have to share, they sit there and do not lift a finger, don't buy any food or drink, we have to eat when they want too. His Mum is really fussy everything has to be organic and she talks non stop all the time, even with food in her mouth and I mean all the time, she even talked to me though the loo door list year whilst I was having a number 2; it's exhausting. And we can't afford all the extra. It's a big hassle normally let alone when they were so badly behaved last year.

I think a hotel (which they can afford) would be a good compromise, they have a nice Xmas lunch, see the children etc etc but we are not in each others faces and on top of one another.

DH thinks it's a bit odd. AIBU?

OP posts:

Dee03 · 08/11/2011 23:13

Tell them to jog on.....what rude people

Flisspaps · 08/11/2011 23:14

If they'd not spoken to us all year, there'd be no way they'd be welcome to mine.

troisgarcons · 08/11/2011 23:25

DH thinks it's a bit odd. AIBU?

Clearly delusional ..... Theres a male in the house and if he want his parents to stay - then thats fine. If the Wife doesnt like it , she can piss off to hotel and well, perhaps see what joint residence is like ... maybe she can have them boxing day.

Suck it OP - clearly YOU are the issue as DP is talking to his parents yet you are the mardy one ... not YOUR house and YOUR christmas ... its a family affair - and you've forgotten that.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 09/11/2011 00:39

I would say YANBU as it sounds like you can't easily fit them in your house. BUT it is really hard to know without knowing what happened last Xmas.

wherearemysocks · 09/11/2011 00:46

How does someone dictate what time you eat if they just sit there not lifting a finger? Surely they eat when you decide to serve it?

Personnaly I wouldn't have a bar of them, but it seems you are being quite reasonable in trying to compramise so I would definately limit the time spent with you, if nothing else but to limit the chance of another argument occuring.

Also give them a list of what you like them to bring, even if its only desert.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 09/11/2011 00:49

There has so got to be more to this than meets the eye...

holidaysoon · 09/11/2011 00:52

wot bamboo said (and most of the others) but please do tell us what happened last year

I have finally told dh after his mother yelled and swore at me in public that that is it she is not allowed in our house and I will not see her and a weight has been lifted

ShoutyHamster · 09/11/2011 09:48

People who aren't on speaking terms with you want to come to your home and have you cook Christmas lunch for them?

Hahahahahahahaha.

I think a simple 'No, I don't cook for people who don't speak to me, and I don't welcome people who don't speak to me into my home, either' is sufficient.

Past that - there's obviously more to this than has been explained. Does your DH actually speak to them - is he on good terms, and you not? If so, is that because you are actually being unreasonable (and they haven't really done anything all that bad) - or are they awful, and he too spineless to stick up for his family? They're two very different things - can't advise more unless you post more!

Or do you have a kind of truce between the two of you where you've had enough of them but are happy for your DH to maintain a frosty, occasional phonecall relationship - that's often the case, and sometimes for very good reason (other elderly relatives, for example).

Either way - when it comes to Christmas, if you don't speak to someone, it being Christmas doesn't change that. Why on earth would you want to pretend on this one day that things are what they're not? If there's a case for sorting out your relationship, do it now, then arrange Christmas visiting. If you're ok with the current situation, stick to it - not least because having everyone not speaking then pretending for special occasions is really, really unhealthy - it just allows bad feeling, feuds to continue in a horrible, destructive, passive-aggressive way. Which is horrible for your children - especially at Christmas.

So have the courage of your convictions - if you believe that being on non-speakers with them is the right thing to be - then it's also right at Christmas. If not - get it sorted.

cwtch4967 · 09/11/2011 10:27

Sorry op but I think you are mad to even consider this! They haven't spoken to you all year, haven't apologised. Why would you want them in your home to cause more trouble even if they do stay in a hotel?
Does your husband think they should stay with you? Very strange!

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/11/2011 11:09

Why would you have them for Christmas at all, when they aren't speaking to you?

Just say no. They don't get to invite themselves, that's so rude.

Original poster

carocaro · 10/11/2011 10:49

Thanks all and what happened last year was.....

We went to stay with them (120 miles from us) on the day before NYE MIL and Step FIL had massive row sparked by MIL's hatred of daughters husband. She went ballistic, shrieking, shouting, chucking stuff, I had to keep children in the bath for over and hour (we where in the house next door which is a holiday let we used for xmas period) with very thin walls as you could hear everything. They had said they would cook for all of us on NYE but his Mum would not come to the door all day and Step FIl told us he was cooking duck. At 8.00pm DH finally got to talk to Step FIL and was told they had already eaten. So we were left with no food or no where to get food for us. DH, the most mild mannered person ever, just snapped and we packed up the car and drove home, having NYE midnight on the M6 with pertol light blinking for the last 30 miles all service stations shut. They have always been hard work, I can say tht over the past ten years we have been subject to their rows and odd behavior many times, once step FIL spent the night alone in the dark on Dartmoor after a row about a blackberry pie!

Anyway, this then developed into a not very nice email from DH's sister about how there was no clarity between me and my MIL. I had no idea what she was on about or what that had to do with the hoo haa at Xmas. I am still non the wiser. MIL was also very rude to DS2 aged and pushed him when he squished he bottom with his hand as toddlers do.

DS1 is 9 now and we both don't want him to be subject to that sort of behavior, it's not on, they need to learn how to behave like adults and not subject others to their issues. DH just wants a 'normal family' where we can get together with them without it being all egg shells in case they kick off again.

You just can't rely on them not to shit all over stuff and why should I, DH and my kids put up with it, DH's parents or not. I am trying to open a door and compromise with the hotel thing, which I've had to crowbar out of me.

OP posts:

SarkySpanner · 10/11/2011 11:37

I would send a polite message saying that you are pleased that they want to back in contact, but that perhaps xmas is not the best time to do this. Suggest some dates in January.

Fenella1212 · 10/11/2011 11:42

YANBU, they sound absolutely barking. I don't think you'd be unreasonable if you didn't want them within 100 miles let alone in a local hotel.

I can sympathise with your DH though. Wanting a proper family Christmas isn't much to ask really, but when you've got people like that it won't happen. We had years of appalling behaviour from my mother but each Christmas I hoped that this time it would work out. Never did.

WhatWouldLeoDo · 10/11/2011 11:46

So, MIL and Step FIL had a huge row on NYE which was nothing to do with you and that you weren't part of, but as a result they ended up not talking to you?

I wouldn't have them for Christmas full stop. Or I'd maybe tell them to come for dinner at 3pm and not answer the door...

girlywhirly · 10/11/2011 12:03

My gut instinct here is that MIL is mentally ill, and people are covering for her. What happened is beyond rude, and I'm not surprised you want to protect your family from them. Do you think she has bi-polar disorder or something, she clearly isn't normal.

It's very positive that DH feels the same as you, but I don't think he will ever get his 'normal' family, and will have to try to come to terms with it.

I still don't think you should have them anywhere near you at Christmas, and be quite clear that you no longer trust them to behave like civilised human beings. I still stand by my suggestion to see them at a very public neutral destination, not at Christmas, if you really have to. But they would not be coming anywhere near me otherwise, what if they repeated their performance of last year, and smashed up your home? Your DC should not be exposed to this, what if they are injured as a result?

Is SIL fully aware of what went on last year and why you all left? Does she think the way you were treated acceptable? I suppose she thinks if everyone talks about it and apologises everything will be fine, but I think it won't because you'll still be anxious at every visit you have with them, and it will spoil it every time. You've put up with them for years, your poor DH is stuck in the middle. But just because they are his parents, doesn't mean you all have to put up with it. If they won't get whatever help they need to sort out their issues/problems, they don't deserve to see you and it will be their loss.

heleninahandcart · 10/11/2011 12:38

OP no one needs this drama. You can't rely on them to behave so I really wouldn't let them through the door at Christmas or any other special time for your DCs. There WILL be drama of some sort, and even if you managed to avoid this it would be at the expense of you being on edge the whole time in case they started. Any reason why they are not going to SIL as she seems to understand them sooo well?

Just say no to them at Christmas, I like the idea of a polite note suggesting another time that suits you.

DoMeDon · 10/11/2011 12:47

once step FIL spent the night alone in the dark on Dartmoor after a row about a blackberry pie!

Sorry back that made me spit out tea!!! WTAF???

They do sound like hard work. Having said that, it is xmas, it is about what you all want. You need to assert boundaries and stop worrying about upsetting them. I would have no quibbles over time of food, organic origin, etc. I would not run around making them drinks and letting them not lift a finger. It is all in the approach. Having said that it is not mu idea of a good time and I think hotel is a sensible compromise.

PorkChopSter · 10/11/2011 12:59

I need to know more about the blackberry pie

Clearly if you've not spoken or seen someone in the year after a horrendous argument then having them to stay for Christmas is a shit idea.

PorkChopSter · 10/11/2011 13:01

And not just having them to stay - even seeing them let alone hosting them on Christmas day- no.

snuffaluffagus · 10/11/2011 13:15

Say you're at your family for Christmas..

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/11/2011 18:48

I would want to have a long conversation with them about what behaviour was going to be acceptable IF you are going to allow them to join you at Christmas. And just raising that with them may be enough to make them go in a huff (Result! ). But if I did allow them anywhere near me and mine, I would definitely insist on them staying in a hotel. They obviously are going to need somewhere to storm off to at some point.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 10/11/2011 18:51

YANBU at all

Hassled · 10/11/2011 18:51

"once step FIL spent the night alone in the dark on Dartmoor after a row about a blackberry pie"

That's what I need to know about. WHo made the pie? Who ate the pie?

They sound like a total fucking nightmare and you would be INSANE if you said anything other than yes, come if you must but it's a hotel or the nearest hedge.

PorkChopSter · 10/11/2011 19:54

Bump for pie.

LydiaWickham · 10/11/2011 20:03

YANBU - how about telling your DH - a) that they are even welcome for christmas dinner after last year - and he should realise that's not normal (even if he's been raised thinking this sort of behaviour is normal) b) if they are likely to have fights like that again (and they are given their history) you don't want the DCs witnessing it, so if they are in a hotel, you can ask them to leave when they start arguing and they actually have somewhere to go (if they'd been drinking, you couldn't ask them to leave if they were arguing at your home and it's a huge drive back to theirs.

Also, I want to know about the pie story (I love a good 'bonkers PILs' story, and I love pie).

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