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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that at Christmas, some people....

56 replies

worraliberty · 06/11/2011 22:17

Make more of an effort to help the Aged, Homeless, Poor people, in fact the local animal sanctuary....than to 'suffer' their PILs for one or two days of the year?

I mean, fair enough if you never actually speak to them because there's been some massive fall out.

But if that's not the case, why do some people make such a huge deal about cooking a few extra sprouts and adding a couple of garden chairs down the far end of the table?

And more to the point, how would anyone here feel if your Husband point blank refused to have your parents over for Christmas dinner, because they're not over keen on them?

I seem to be picking up a distinct vibe that most of the 'dramas' with inlaws seem to stem from the wives and mothers...not so often the men?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 22:20

The best christmas I had in many years was the one where we had my MIL, FIL and my Mum all here for the day.. with my stepchildren and their partners all popping in for an hour or so throughout the day.

We had hoped it was going to be the first of many like that, but sadly my FIL died in the February, and my Mum died in the August. Both sudden and very unexpected.

Original poster
worraliberty · 06/11/2011 22:24

I remember you saying Squeaky Sad

No-one knows what's around the corner really.

I have them all at mine...5 of us, my Dad, my brother and both PILs!

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 06/11/2011 22:27

I would quite happily entertain pils for a day
But they live six hours away so come for a few days so it's never just Xmas lunch

cjbartlett · 06/11/2011 22:29

And we've spent more Xmas mornings than I care to remember driving to see them which isn't fair on the kids ( can't get Xmas eve off work Sad )
some things aren't as simple as pulling up two extra chairs and putting on more sprouts

Original poster
worraliberty · 06/11/2011 22:31

Oh absolutely cj It's not easy when distance is involved but so many people seem to want to leave their PILs alone at Christmas because they're 'not keen' on them.

I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot and their DH's weren't keen on their parents, if it would be the same thing?

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 06/11/2011 22:36

Yes I agree with that
Pees me off that people can't cope with a few hours when we have to do a few days

DiscoDaisy · 06/11/2011 22:38

We don't have either set of parents over at christmas. We're all for equality in our house.

aquafunf · 06/11/2011 22:42

this year, it will be me,dh and kids. in the last few years, we have lost both my grandparents, my dad, dhs mum. my mum is off to my brothers. i must admit that my idea of christmas is a houseful of elderly relatives enjoying the kids.

Original poster
worraliberty · 06/11/2011 22:52

Sorry to hear that aqua Sad

That's my idea of Christmas too.

I know it's not everyone's idea but I just think some people who can actually tolerate their PILs at other times of the year, should perhaps make an effort not to leave them all alone at Christmas if they can help it.

OP posts:
UKSky · 06/11/2011 22:59

Perhaps because if my parents visit they enjoy themselves and if we don't visit they understand that we are now adults and have our own lives to lead.

Whereas MIL sulks and moans and cries the whole time they once came to us because she "didn't have her own things around her", because the church service was different to the one she goes to. Because we eat at the wrong time. Because even though we spend 4 days with them, she is rude about us seeing my family for half a day (because my step mums family are not "real family" even though they have been "my" family for 2 years). Because the one year they came to us, she sulked and cried because my mum was invited too as she would have rather that my mum spent Christmas alone rather than spoil HER christmas by inviting someone who was "not family"!!

And all of this is why we will be spending this Christmas with them. For the LAST time.

And DH agrees with all of this. We go to them for a quiet life, and I hate it, and DH just puts up with it. The last time we didn't go, she didn't speak to us for 6 months and still even cooked us Christmas dinner just in case we decided at the last minute that we would leave my family alone at our home and drive 4 hours to have lunch with them.

In the last 7 years we have spent 5 of them at PILs, 1 at ours with them and 1 on our own. Only 1 has been enjoyable.

So that's why some people "suffer".

UKSky · 06/11/2011 23:01

sorry my stepmothers family have been my family for 20 years not 2 years.

Original poster
worraliberty · 06/11/2011 23:04

I wonder though...if the people who think their own parents are lovely and their PILs are the couple from hell...if that's just because they've grown up with their parents 'quirks' and odd ways?

I mean if they'd grown up with their PILs, they might be the ones they actually want at Christmas?

That makes sense in my head by the way Blush

OP posts:
JujyFruits · 06/11/2011 23:04

Ditto DiscoDaisy and cjbarlett.

Our parents all live about 2 hours drive away. And my mum works on Christmas day.

So we see everyone the week after Christmas and it usually involves a stay over.

JujyFruits · 06/11/2011 23:07

Of course that's true Worral.

DHs parents are way nicer than mine (objectively) but I just can't cope with their 'ways' for any length of time, because they're just so different to what I'm used to.

Mind you I can't cope with my own father for any length of time either. Mmmm...

Original poster
worraliberty · 06/11/2011 23:11

Haha how about a reeeealy long dining table you can't see the end of? Grin

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 06/11/2011 23:12

I don't have this problem...I don't have pil Grin

Mind you, I don't cook christmas dinner either.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 06/11/2011 23:16

Opposite in my house, dp absolutely refuses to have anything to do with mil, I can sort of see why, she's done some pretty shit things over the years, think he's alway felt like an outsider tbh.

It wasn't an issue as she didn't have anything to do with the kids for years which was her own choice, happened to bump into her one day and she was a wee bit shocked that the boy didnt have a clue who she was.

Now she sees them.....well she sees dd sporadically as is dds choice. The boy hasn't seen her or months, he has no choice in the matter, she hasnt made the effort to get to know him, he has severe autism so it really does need to come from her. Dd has autism too but will chat to people and has her on some sort of pedastel which is a bit sad really.

I dunno it's hard, trying to sellotape some sort of bridge together and not take sides. I'm really too much of a lazy bastard to get involved with / stir up family feuds

Peachy · 06/11/2011 23:17

I'd love to have people ehre but Dh's side had a nasty divorce and PILs don;t speak to each other, or MIl to us. PIL goes to his elderly MIl with his new fiancee, comes ehre alternate boxing days. they'd be veryw elcome though. My fmily go to a massive shindig back in the hometown but we can;t as it's too much for our asd boys and also, sister's best mate, my ex, goes and frankly it would be odd.

Anyone who has read any of the tales about BIL advcoating euthanasia for disabled kids in front of my boys (DS1 understood) will also Get It.

But i'd love to cater for a hoard and hope one day we will at elasy have a couple of DILs and grandkids to cook for. After all I wouldn't have 4 kids if I didn;t like things busy.

runningwilde · 06/11/2011 23:22

UKSky - you are spending Xmas with them again even though they are so awful?! Why?!

Towndon · 06/11/2011 23:26

YANBU

MonsterBookOfTysons · 06/11/2011 23:27

My PIL's have honestly put me through hell.
But I love them and enjoy going to there's at christmas.
My mum and brother are coming to ours for christmas dinner and I would love to invite dh's family for tea but don't want to spend the whole day cooking and cleaning.
We have a small 2 bed flat so could not manage all the families around for dinner :)

Original poster
worraliberty · 06/11/2011 23:31

Peachy that sounds awful Sad

I'm not sure who's coming for dinner this Christmas but we'll fit them all in somehow.

I must admit my BIL pisses me off cos he's always late and I've taken to just dishing up his dinner and putting it on the table. He knows we don't have a microwave so he'd better hope the gravy's still hot when he gets here LOL.

OP posts:
Sillyoldelf · 06/11/2011 23:33

Yanbu - yes I would rather 'help the aged ' than have anything to do with my in laws at Christmas ! My husband the feels same . It's not PIL bashing , just the reality that just because we are related it doesn't mean we like or love each other . My in laws are toxic happily I dont have to send them cards or presents either . Now my 80yr old neighbour - she is a different case entirely . I would do anything for that lady .

SamWidgiz · 06/11/2011 23:36

Agree. I might be a MIL one day and I hate to think I might be alone because my DIL is an entitled little madam.

I get the feeling some people have issues with their inlaws for the sake of it.

Kayano · 06/11/2011 23:38

Agree Sam

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