To think that at Christmas, some people....

[worraliberty]

Make more of an effort to help the Aged, Homeless, Poor people, in fact the local animal sanctuary....than to 'suffer' their PILs for one or two days of the year?

I mean, fair enough if you never actually speak to them because there's been some massive fall out.

But if that's not the case, why do some people make such a huge deal about cooking a few extra sprouts and adding a couple of garden chairs down the far end of the table?

And more to the point, how would anyone here feel if your Husband point blank refused to have your parents over for Christmas dinner, because they're not over keen on them?

I seem to be picking up a distinct vibe that most of the 'dramas' with inlaws seem to stem from the wives and mothers...not so often the men?

My mother who was suffering with cancer said that she realised life really is too short to be in the company of people who bring you down . My MIL and FIL are nasty people I will not be any where near them . My energies are better used with different people .

I wonder that at times too Sam

Of course you'll always have shocking, real stories about just how toxic some PILs can be...but I do feel that on MN, the 'inlaw hating for no good reason' far outweighs the really good reasons.

I have a 42 year old friend I've grown up with. She hated her ex MIL, hates her current MIL and has never in my memory had a good word to say about any of her ex boyfriends parents either.

Some people I feel, can't handle what they see as 'competition' for their partner's love and affection.

YABU - it's the beginning of November, please can we give it another month before everyone starts banging on about Christmas?

If you'd posted in December I'd give you a YANBU though, we do both families together on Christmas day, gets it all out the way in one go. We are lucky with distance/lack of personality clashes/willingness to compromise on both sides and I hope, if the DSs ever make me a MIL, they carry on a similar tradition.

What is it with mils and aibu? No one can do right for doing wrong!

Different strokes for different folks. My auntie regularly has 14 for Xmas dinner. This year for us it will be the first for just me, my husband and our new baby without any parents. Neither's better or worse, just different.

There's worse things someone can do than volunteer to help the homeless on Xmas day to avoid their pils IMHO.

Pelvic but I've got the turkey on to slow cook

handbag my point is, I think it's mean to leave PILs out on that one day of the year if people can somehow get along for 24/48hrs at other times of the year.

worra - I think there's an awful lot of MNers who struggle with 24 hours at any time of year, not just Christmas.

Occasionally I have to go and revisit the thread where people discussed the MILs they love so much that they don't need to post about them the rest of the time, to remind myself that's perfectly normal and I don't have to slash my wrists if my sons ever get married! Generally MN is a bad place to contemplate a future as a MIL.

Oh aint that the truth LOL!

Is it okay to leave the PIL out if they also leave the DP's out? What about PIL one year, DP's the next, then on their own the third year?

i bought a TV last year just so MIL could watch soaps and i wouldnt have to talk to her.

i have her round, shes staying here in two weeks

the world must revolve around her and her favourite child.

i must be pleasant and take it on the chin when she mentions...to no one in particular ....in loud voice....." i didn't get an anniversary card this year of our custydh"

this is code for custy didn't buy it - becuase we all know that the women are supposed to buy and remember these things

lets not even talk about why their anniversary is so fucking important - no it wasn't a milestone one either

i have to take these comments on the chin knowing that they havent send my 22 year old son a fucking birthday card for years.

i have to listen to them talk about the masses of debt they are in in one sentance - then how they are spend spend fucking spending the redundancy money fil got on the favourrite son and his children.

i have to liten to them talk all the time about his children i have to nod and feign interest and seeth inwardly beggin her to take an interest in what my children have done or what my children have accomplished.

so i will..and i have cooked a few extra sprouts for the sake of dh, but i wouldn't start a thread presuming that other people with equally hurtful family members should just cook an extra fucking sprout.

so yes yabu

Oh I don't know now Chaotic I'm all confused

KFC or a pizza?

Fair point Custardo I'll mark you down as a Turkey Pot Noodle to go

I'm not bothered so long as I'm not burning cooking it

I have lovely PIL, who are coming here for Christmas this year, along with BIL and his DS. My parents are also invited, they get on well with the ILs. It should be nice, the more the merrier.

However, I can also understand if you had horrid PIL, not wanting them there spoiling yours and your DC's Christmas, especially if your DH/DP agrees. It's not about the extra chairs, food, etc, it's more about the emotional impact.

Custardo thankyou for your post . I think OP is extremely ignorant to to not consider that some in laws can cause heartache and utter devastion in a family . Like my in laws. It's not about in law bashing . It's about realising that for some people their wellbeing can be greatly improved by distancing themselves from certain family groups or members .

Worra.... but I've got the turkey on to slow cook

It's on now? Wow. You are one organised lady.

The way I look at it, my parents and PILs worked for years to make sure DH and I had lovely Christmases so now it's our turn to do that for them :)

We have just bought a house and it's DS's first Christmas this year so we're having all of my family and all of DH's family over for Christmas dinner. It's going to be absolute chaos, my mum and MIL will turn competitive grannying into an Olympic sport, I'll be run off my feet but both sets of grandparents will get to be with DS on his first Christmas and that will be so precious to them. I don't care what my day is like to be honest as long as DS has a fab time and I know he will with all the attention he'll be getting

I don't think anyone should put up with shitty behaviour from their own parents or PILs, Christmas or not. But I do think Christmas is worth the "hassle" of having everyone over and enduring the bedlam.

Of course I may be posting on the 26th with something like "AIBU to have slow-cooked an "Elderly Mother" stew and served it to the cats?"

"I seem to be picking up a distinct vibe that most of the 'dramas' with inlaws seem to stem from the wives and mothers...not so often the men?"

I think you're picking up that vibe because in the main, they do.

In my experience, its generally the man's Mother and partner that have the problematic relationship. My brother's wife and my Mum, me and my MiL, my best friend's wife and his Mum etc etc.

My sister gets on fine with her MiL, and my SiL gets of fine with my MiL, so there are exceptions.

I don't know of any men who have a similar challenging dynamic with their MiLs, although I accept that this is confined to my own experience. This is interesting as its traditionally the male comedians who made distasteful MiL jokes till the 70s, so perhaps its a phenomenon of the recent decades and reflective of the changes in roles in relationships and domestic set-ups in the last 30 years.

Being a 'challenged' DiL while simultaneously observing and supporting my Mum as a 'challenged' MiL has given me a 360 perspective. Theres just something about mothers and sons.......

We alternate.
Christmas with my family (parents,my three siblings and their partners) + Uncle, Aunt and 2 cousins, we are all v relaxed and silly = fun

Christmas with ILs (them, sulky spoilt SIL who does not like our DCs getting attention from her DM) v formal and serious = not fun.

I'm fond of ILs but I miss my family masses on the christmas's we are with them. I just can't help thinking about them all being together and having silly times.

What I'm really looking forward to is them coming to us so we can start our own traditions!

I have tried to be fair with our time wrt xmas over the years, but its hard as my MIL really ramps up the emotional blackmail...theres always something!

1st xmas - hard on her as she has "lost" dh
2nd xmas - hard on her as SIL was away working
3rd xmas - had my parents at our house but spent xmas eve and boxing day with PILs
4th xmas - was 11 weeks pg and felt like roadkill. Still went anyway and sat and watched other people eat
5th xmas - ds1's 1st so it would have been hard on her if we didnt go
6th xmas - SILs marriage in trouble so hard on her if we didnt go
7th xmas - went to my sisters - spent xmas eve and boxing day with PILs
8th xmas - well, obv where we were by now isnt it?

This carried on til the 10th xmas when PIL were so vile to me before xmas I refused point blank to go.

Cue 2 years of lovely xmas's at home with my parents and PILs coming for an xmas breakfast and to see the dc.

This year we are moving house just before xmas (I know!) and she has suggested it would be "easier" for us to go there. Not sure.

Will ask dc what they want and go from there. She was most put out last year when she asked them in front of me if they wanted to go to their house for xmas and they said "no"

We spend a lot of xmas with various family members and I like it, but EVERY year with the SAME people can make it less special and we see them lots anyway, not like they live far away.

I am one of the lucky ones. My MIL is so funny about food she wont eat here.

Ha ha - I would of course have cooked a few extra sprouts for my (now x)MIL but she was too busy spitting racist insults about all white women being "money pick pick whores" and telling my xP that he and our son would not get their 72 virgins in heaven because of me.

Although she doesn't celebrate christmas she will still demand her son doesn't see his son or eat dinner with him because she will have cooked something 'special' that day that he needs to return and eat. His loss. His lack of spine.

My mil is divorced.
My mil is also toxic
For dp's sake my parents have always invited her for Xmas dinner with all of us.
Mil has a party every Xmas and has never invited my parents
Last year our son was born and the mil to her toxic level to the extreme and made my life hell. At ds' christening she caused issues, ignored my parents. She still came for Xmas dinner and only spoke to her son!!!
She won't be invited this year! And I can't blame my parents. I could cook and invite her to me, but tbh I dont see why I should!

I think there are pretty much as many issues posted with dp as dpil though, so I'm not quite sure what the point is.

We spend more Christmas with dpil rather than my dp mostly because of distance. Dpil come with plus family, most of whom are very loud and critical about all except themselves. Christmas on our own is absolute bliss, we've done that once or twice in fourteen years, once being when dm was ill so we couldn't go to them as planned. We can do our own traditions without being criticised for our choices in a passive agressive way. "Oh well if you want to do it that way" said in tones that imply no one else would.

This year we've been informed that dpil+family are coming to us for Christmas. Not asked. Told. This means eight extra people. Probably they will offer to bring the wine as their contribution (me and dh won't have more than a glass each as we don't drink much) so we'll be cooking and providing the entire meal. Probably doing quite a bit of the tidying up/loading the dishwasher. And dbil will spend the time telling everyone how well he's done something towards the meal (eg one time it was carry the turkey from the kitchen to where we ate... about six steps) so he shouldn't have to do anything else...

On the opposite front I think my bil (dsis's dh) gets on worst with my df on my side of the family.

MIL comes here for christmas most years. So do my parents. MIL is annoying but harmless. However she drives my dad up the wall I can put up with her because she lives 30 mins away so doesn't stay for days. Unfortunately it seems to have become a tradition that she does stay on Christmas night even though dad (through gritted teeth) offers to drive her home in the evening.

She also accepts that we do things our way (and that is mostly my way TBH) and never makes a fuss. Whils I accept that there are families in which a lot of fuss is made about PILs simply because they 'get in the way' I am sure that isn't the case usually. I think I would struggle with MIL if she wasn't accepting and pleasant.