As you get older, is it normal to find your mum increasingly irritating?

[makeminealeosayer]

I do mine. She is baby boomer age. She used to be very easy going, laid back, open minded. Now she is very DM in views, moans about immigrants, generally uptight and of a curtain-twitcher mentality. Anybody else found this?

I think girl makes a very astute point in that (to put it very bluntly!) old parents become very irritating so that you can wave them off with less distress than you would have had they been younger.

I read in a novel recently that you can often feel better about your parents once they die because you start to remember them as they were, not how they were in their last years.

It seems inevitable (with a few exceptions, but these do seem few) that elderly people become incredibly narcissistic and set in their ways, and that previously quirky or mildly irritating personality traits grow and begin to define them.

ggirl , that is [autocorrect has a field day with proper names]

YABU. As other posters have mentioned, she is your Mum, and she won't be around forever. My Nans were both quite racist in their ways, neither meant it nastily as such, but they genuinely did come from an area, and a time, where everyone was the same colour and more or less the same religion (C of E or Catholic) and therefore regarded anyone else with suspicion.
My Mum used to be horrified by her Mothers comments, but raised my sister and I to be completely the opposite. (We both have mixed race families) My Mum, that champion of treating everyone as an equal, is now showing racist tendencies herself. In both cases I don't think its about racism, per se, more a fear of the changes going on around them, and nationally, which comes across as racist when in fact it is just old age and a fear of change.
My partner used to be faintly amused by my Nan, and was intelligent enough to understand why she found his skin colour so fascinating, in fact it is now a bit of standing joke in the family, and if my Mum makes a send em all home kind of comment he usually asks if he should take DD with him. She soon changes her tune then!
Just make sure your children know that she is getting on a bit and her views are outdated, and try to shrug the rest off - I'm sure you'll feel better when she's gone if you've been a bit easier on her despite her bigoted views.

My mum is dead sadly but my MIL is increasingly getting right on my last nerve. Her own mother was vile and since she died my MIL is slowly morphing into her despite bemoaning how hideous she was since I have known her. She is increasingly manipulative, selfish and divisive with a nice steak of self-pity thrown in. My DH says she has always been like this so maybe I am just less tolerant. I avoid her company as much as possible and make nice when I see her. It is shame because since both my parents are dead there is really a space in my life for a nice older woman and I have tried with her, I really have.

Misty0

My mother commented about early menopauses, and started instructing me not to leave it too late, from 18 onwards. What are they on?

I blame the DM's career-woman articles.

Mine drives me mad and makes me unhappy in equal measure. We never had that Mum/ daughter thing anyway, shopping etc. She has a crazily toxic relationship with my dad (whole other story) that I feel has impacted my ability to have anything approaching a normal relationship with a man. She is not racist etc, just totally self centered, and also has very upsetting habit of making it quite clear she thinks her dogs are far more important than me or my children. Having now got a son with aspergers syndrome I look at my Mum and wonder whether her social problems may stem from a similar thing. Sometimes the hurt rears its' head, but generally I have to let go of it and concentrate on making things different for my own children. I try every hour of my day to make sure they realise how much they are loved, how I want them to have happy and fulfilled lives, and that they are more important than anything else in my life. Sounds like simple stuff that all parents do, believe me they don't. I only have sons, have to say my own maternal relationship makes me glad of that. Know I sound bitter, actually I do love my Mum, I just don't like her very much.

Mine has just called form her lawyer's office.

She is drawing up a new will and power of attorney.

All week she has been asking me if I die before her should the money be kept in trust for the DC until 21. All week I've been saying that I tink 18 will be fine but it's her money so her choice.

So she's just called me like Lady Haversham: 'My lawyer agrees with me about the children's ages. Eighteen is far too young to come into money.'

Hilariously we are talking about an ex council house and a few grand in investments

Oh Grumpy, that's really sad, I'm very sorry that you lost your mum like that x

Ha, ha, Wordfactory. My pil informed us that they were leaving us in their will... their Silver Jubilee commemorative coins.

This thread has made me feel a lot better, it's nice (sorry) to know that it's not just me.

My mum drives me mad, and it appears that this is fairly normal. She also does the talking at you thing, she never listens, she has no idea what logic is and so we end up arguing about stupid things (which my brother says is my fault because i should just nod and agree with her like he does), she's always reminding me to do things, and then when i do them, gives herself credit for the thing happening, because obviously, unless she'd reminded me then it wouldn't have got done (and she does this despite knowing that i am a prolific list writer, oh, and my dad's started doing it now as well). The list goes on... (no pun intended!)

My mum: born in the 20s, educated, totally mad, entertaining, irreverent, charming, frustrating, argumentative, (could be a bit haughty), definitely posh, great story teller and all-in-all as mad as a bucket of frogs. She died a few years ago and has left a gap in my life that I will never, ever fill. xxx

I do think one of the biggest learning curves for a person is to learn that their parents are human.

My mum reads DM but says she hates it though to be fair she doesn't follow a lot of what is written and is on the whole a pretty tolerant person. She has plenty of flaws but on the whole I can't say too much about her but moving out and becoming a mum myself has really opened my eyes to her as a person. Both good and bad.

Hi sallymonella Tis a good thread I agree - and cheaper than therapy

Yes my mum is now in her late 60s and has become increasingly irritating over the last 3 or 4 years. When I had my children my relationship with her went through a transformation and I thought she was wonderful, so helpful, and she seemed to be more relaxed than ever. (She had alsways been quite nervous about new things, travel, etc) About 2 years after ds was born (7 years after dd) she began to change, being more rigid and illogical in her decisions and behaviour. She flits from one subject to another, fills any silence with boring stories about people I know vaguely at best, and drinks more than she should.

Well, I have to forgive her all this because not only is she getting older and suffering increasing mobility problems from arthritis, she got through treatment for breast cancer 3 years ago, having believed that she would die. She is no longer able to ride because of the pain and fear of injury. I hope I will still have her around to irritate me for a good while longer!

Another sort of tribute to parents...

I was on the phone moaning to my brother abroad about how narcissistic and DM our dear parents were being. My brother said in bewilderment at the thought that anyone might mind this:

"Old people are racist and health-obsessed.

That's what they DO."

my mother was wandering round the veg in out local super market wearing her sun glasses this morning, she ignored me when i said 'hello'

she lives in a granny flat attached to my house, youd kinda think she would recognised me

i oscillated between relief at not having to do 20 minutes on the price of onions/apples/cabbage and

My mother drives me to distraction and yes, she is getting increasingly reactionary and health-obsessed. But she is my mother and I love her and feel a great sense of duty towards her too.

ezzie - ROFL!

i would give anything to have my mum here and being irritating.She died on the 30th Oct and we had her funeral yesterday.We are devastated.Make the most of your mums whilst they are here. I am glad we all did .

Totally agree Juggling

I should stress though that my mum has always been like this, and actually, now that it can be blamed on old age I find it easier to deal with.

Yes. My mum drives me nuts at times. Since she retired she really has changed and gone from independent woman to mad granny! She has taken to coming to us weekly for a 'day out' and as dp was around the 1st time and laid on a day that would be fit a birthday treat or something she expects this all the time and asks What have you planned before she even gets here! We have also been looking for 2 bed flat near town as we are downsizing and wanting a bit of a life change and she keeps trawling rightmove and sending us details for 3 beds presumably so that she can stay more ! Has also expressed an interest on coming on holiday with us which is a first

mummylin xxx

Are you my long lost sister Sally ?!

Sorry you've lost your Mum mummylin
I will try to make the most of her and our relationship whilst I'm lucky enough to have them both (DP's)
But you have to have a little moan somewhere don't you ?

Yes most parents become increasingly annoying as they age, but I think thats because.

1. They become scared of dying and certain illnesses so become health obsessed - or the opposite and go into denial and don't look after their health.

1. They start to feel vulnerable - to con men, muggers, etc. Sometimes I think thsi can be worse in people who used to feel strong and now feel old and vulnerable. And tbh as well as there is so much crime prevention info aimed at older people on avoiding con men, muggers, etc that I think encourages this.

1. Talking at you can be a sign of unacknowledged deafness. Its easier to talk at you than admit they didn't hear something.

1. Some like my parents actually do very little day to day. So tiny bits of "news" become big deals and have to be told at excrutiating length and often repeated ad naseum. But its because they haven't actually got much to talk about but want to talk.

1. Because people's lives shrink they lose their sense of perspective and get annoyed and upset at things that at one time they would have dismissed. My FIL lives in a cul de sac with all elderly people and tbh its like a children's playground there with the upset and falling out over very very little e.g. he wouldn't speak to 1 neighbour because he put up fairly lights on the outside of the house at xmas.