As you get older, is it normal to find your mum increasingly irritating?

[makeminealeosayer]

I do mine. She is baby boomer age. She used to be very easy going, laid back, open minded. Now she is very DM in views, moans about immigrants, generally uptight and of a curtain-twitcher mentality. Anybody else found this?

Please don't blame it on the "the change". Some women suffer; others don't. I ended up feeling so worn out that I did give in to HRT and it has revolutionised how I feel. However, I tried never to complain about it because my mother had the lengthiest most symptomatic change in history. I think she was still having it when mine started and she now gets arsy when I won't discuss it with her or acknowledge that mine ever started. Actually she would disect it to such an extent and discuss it with her friends, that I have never actually mentioned it to her and she's tried to start a row over that.

Some of these posts are making me cry. funnyperson - I know exactly what you mean:

I used to think I could be as cross or frank as I liked and it didn't matter because they were my parents. Now I think I must be as kind as I can because it matters because they are my parents.

The older I get the more I appreciate my parents as people. They are both 80 now and feeling their age a little. I can look back at them as the fit,young, competent people they were when I was little and it hurts to see them as they are now. Dad was a good father in the main - a little self-centred at times, but then who isn't. Mum was passionately loving but unfulfilled and lacking in self-confidence to a painful degree.

I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock and appear in their past as an adult so that I could see them as people, not just my mum and dad.

I think that is what we all need to do TBH - get a bit of perspective and an understanding that our parents aren't perfect because they are normal human beings. And they are getting old. They deserve compassion for that alone.

"I accept they are not immortal and omniscient"

ha! Exactly funny.

Yes, yes. Oh fucking yes.

I love her but she drives me batty. But I worry about her too, especially since I lost my dad. And I know she is frightened of getting older and that makes her difficult. I try to be kind and to be patient. But dear lord it is hard

I used to be incredibly close to my mum and, really, I idolised her. But the last 2 years have brought a huge family fall out between me and my sister and she took my sister's side and treated me quite badly. She is completely oblivious to the things she (my mum) has said and done and the effect it's had on me. I also had the first child in our family for 30 years, last year, and it's made me feel a lot less forgiving towards her for some reason. I am so sad about it all but it cant be changed now

Thanks "MIW" I think I'm getting a bit "peri" myself so doubtless my DD and I will be going through hormonal fluctuations at the same time as she's just coming up to her teenage years. But at least having my DC's a little later ( in mid thirties ) I had opportunities to do some good things in my twenties and early thirties - mainly a good bit of traveling. So I have some good memories and experiences to look back on.
Anyway, I'm sure it should be possible to maintain and even develop good relationships with those we love even when we or they are going through difficult times of transition in life. Perhaps it could make us more understanding of one another and not less. ( She says hopefully )

Yes me too, and it makes me so sad. I am so intolerant I feel it's my fault but I think a lot of people find her quite irritating. She never listens to what people say so having a conversation with her is very frustrating, especially when other people are around.

I also resent the fact that she hasn't done more with her life, she's always been so dependent on other people. I have gone out of my way to not be like this, to the point where DH thinks I am quite weird with my unwillingness to bother people or ask for favours.

I just don't understand my mother's political shift.

For example, why has she changed from saying "corner shop/the newsagent" to "p* shop"?

Why has the woman who insisted that Jesus was a historical figure only throughout my childhood started wearing a very ostentatious cross, and saying "well I think I always was a Christian"?

Why has my mother switched from voting Green, to espousing almost every value of the Conservative party, while still insisting she hates "the bloody tories".

She's still got the same obnoxious, prescriptive approach to politics and morality, though. That hasn't changed. It's just more irritating to me these days than it was formerly, as I was indoctrinated brought up by Liberal-Lefty-Mum as a child.

I moan a lot about my mum on here - we have rather an odd relationship, although I do love her and we do have some good times together.

As she gets older, she gets more and more of a split personality. It was DH who pointed this out. There is "Funky Granny" mum with her John Rocha maxi-skirts, love of restaurants, musicals and horse racing, who is really good company and hilariously self-deprecating about her Hyacinth Bucket tendencies (she will only shop at Waitrose, and has a funny posh phone voice we all laugh about). This mum also gives great, positive advice to me and Tiny Clanger alike, and we like to do things for her too.

Unfortunately, there is also Grumpy Old Mum. Grumpy Old Mum finds everything a complete chore, and boy will she tell you about it. She is a mess of irrational fears and resistance to all kinds of things she used to be fine with. She holds rather confused political views that she nevertheless goes on about. The thing I find hardest to deal with is that even if you try to do something nice for her, it can backfire: if you organise a nice day out that involves too much travel, she will moan. If you get her something (even if she asked for it) it is the wrong one.

Actually, the hardest thing is you never know which one you are going to get.

I think someone mentioned it earlier, but there is a hormonal change that happens (to men and women iirc) that means they do become more fearful, worried about strangers, worried about security, worried about safety etc. (I remember watching a documentary about it once, years ago.)

I know with my MIL, we are watching her go through the phase where she moves from being older and extremely capable and adventurous, to being old. It's not something I want her to explain to us in words of one syllable, and I am trying to understand what it must be like. However in her reluctance to say 'I cannot cope with too many people and I cannot play with my grandchild and I get tired int he afternoon and need a nap' she is turning everything round on us: I'm renovating the house so that you can go and hide when you need to (but we don't need to and had never given that need any thought); I won't come in for tea because I don't want to impose (it is never an imposition to give a loved relative a cup of tea fgs but I can see that you don't want to be roped into a game); I will go and have a quiet 15 minutes so you can get some peace (I am now paranoid about my behaviour, why do you think I need peace? we were having a perfectly normal conversation!).

So we're always being wrong-footed by it and having to play her game. I hate it, I hate dishonesty. If she just said 'right, time for a catnap, see you in a quarter of an hour' there would be nothing wrong with that and absolutely no explanation necessary! - but no: it's all about us needing a fictitious break in some sort of non-coping way. It drives me batty. I suppose I am very unkind because I can't just play along without getting cross. I can keep a lid on it if it's just once or twice but she actually says these things many, many times to me and I can hear her repeating them to dh as well. I know she's telling herself more than she's telling us - but I feel I'm in a position where I have to play along with a fiction and I'm terrible at that.

YANBU I love my mum very much but she can drive me up the wall at times.
Last week I spent 2 days Christmas shopping with her. I threatened her if she wandered off one more time, without telling me, I was going to adapt a toddler harness and make her wear it.
There is probably multiple CCTV footage of me, glaring around in shops, reaching for my mobile, ranting a message ( because of course she never leaves it switched on and then stalking through the store and gesticulating madly at this middle aged woman, who is pondering Christmas decorations/dog toys/loo brushes etc and replies to the irritated younger version with, "Well I was just over there/ next floor/totally different shop "

Luckily she used to rant to me about my Grandma ( who had made irritating behaviour her passion in life. I often used to get phone calls late at night, demanding I come to hers NOW and change the batteries in the tv remote, the fact I had young DC's in bed and a DH who worked away, wasn't a good enough excuse apparently)
So when my mum is driving me looney, I tell her that she's having a 'Doris moment' and luckily she can still see where I am coming from.

I love my mum, she is gorgeous with a great figure and a brilliant job. It is hard to be 5' square with dark greying hair, against a 5'9 curveous size 12 with stunning (natural) red hair. She is a doctor too! I have always felt a failure compared to her and my sister (who could be my mum's double in all ways). But, she is such a nice person and I feel lucky to have her as my mum, but I would love to have her confidence and poise.

I think the reason I don't struggle so much with my mum now that she is ageing, is that I never had any great expectations of her. I always loved her (even when she irritated me) but I have always felt I needed to look after her - she always seemed so vulnerable. So I never built a friends relationship with her. In fact I find her easier to talk to now for some reason.

My Mum has always been a bit of a "wanderer off" too MrsDanverclone

It drives me nuts especially on family outings when we need to keep an eye on the DC's - especially when DC's were little. I'm training them now to keep tabs on Granny !

I'm doing exactly the same as you JugglingwithGoldandMyrhh
I make one of my DC's stick close by her, when out on family days. They have learnt from experience, not to take their eyes off her for a moment, or she's off wandering free.

Mine drives me to distraction. She is 85 now and not in very good health, but the constant constant twittering on about the trivial aspects of life of people I hardly now ( the man who delivers her bread and his cold and bad back etc.) drive me mad. She will not brook any disturbance to her television viewing schedule, though she sleeps through most of it anyway, and goes on and on about how hardworking my sister in law is ( part time shop job and grown up daughter at home to do her housework) when I work full time and struggle to cope. She hates my dog because of his breed, though she has never met him. Hero worships country file presenters and talks about them as if they were her friends. She also annoints herself with foul smelling linament which takes forever to depart when she visits our house. After about 2 days in her company I get used to it, but I really find her difficult to cope with these days.

I adore my mum. And generally get on very well with her. She's liberal, tolerant, active (72), intelligent and articulate.

But she is becoming more and more narcasistic as she gets older and I hate, hate, the way she sometimes speaks to my dad. He's just had some very bad, and potientially life threatening, health news and on the day of diagnosis, when he ignored her whilst he was on the phone, she said 'are you going to be horrible to me all day' in a snappy, argumentative voice. I had to leave the room. and .

To challenge her would cause a huge row. And it's only going to get worse as his treatment goes on. She will make comments that make me furious - there will absolutely be an element of 'but what about meeeeeeeeeeeeee?' as he undergoes hideous treatment.

But I know she loves him. And he tolerates it so who am I to interject? But it makes my blood boil.

If anyone has any tips on how to get through the next few months, they'll be gratefully received.

Relishing this thread. I'm not alone then it seems. Must agree with so much thats been said, ie

-the vague conversations, the not listening and then complaining that she doesnt know whats going on in my life, the bigotted, blinkered outlook on life and the talking too loud and too long about bugger all.

and tell some (almost) funny bits, ie

• the cringingly embarrasing barking and nit picking that she does at shop staff when we're out shopping together, (i've seen staff in tesco recognise her and hide), the sudden 'talking like the queen' (as my DD's call it) that she does when talking to her friends in front of me, or to people she perceives to be an authority figure. The insistance to all in sundry that she eats very little and cant touch sweet things becasue of her diabetes - despite her being well overweight, eating like a horse and her weekly shop always including a box of cream cakes, a family size bag of maltesers, 4 custard tarts, a malt loaf and a victoria sponge. Just in case she fancies "a tiny bit of something one evening". Whenever the DD's and i visit she'll say "i have no goodies for the girls i'm afraid - only the plain buiscuits in the jar - you know i dont have sweet things" I think she forgets i'm the one who packs her shopping

and telling the bits which are less funny ie,

• the fact that she has been cutting out articles on the menopause and giving them to me ever since i was about 23, and now hands me arthritis ones too (i'm 42, and neither arthritic nor menopausal) She puts any occasional health problems i might have down to one or the other - accompanied by "Your not getting any younger remember?" The fact that she is blatently jealous and therefore totally dismissive and cut's bum faced about anything i do that she hasnt done/wouldnt dream of doing/doesnt agree with. For eg: going abroad on holiday, having more than one child, enjoying a drink, loosing weight, changing my hair colour, changing the decor in my home more than once every 20 years, leaving an unhappy marriage, having a younger partner. She could have done any of these things in the past (she and my father were happily married and had money by the way) but has lived her whole life in a conservative bubble, (literally - DM reader), and thinks everyone who lives, thinks or feels differently to her is wrong.

Now she is old, 73, her manipulitive streak is failing and she simply tramples on peoples feelings and pee's on everything from a great height. (metaphoricly speaking) and i find her company very waring, and wish things were different.

I see her once a week, for shopping, and spend alot of time feeling guilty its not more than that - but i cant stand it! I am an only child and my father has passed away now. I can see things only getting worse

I am grateful to get this off my chest.

My favourite book....Zagazoo by Quentin Blake: The ages and stages of childhood development to adulthood, then just as you get to be an adult your parents turn into brown pelicans........just about sums it up..and all in a format that is meant for pre-schoolers!!!!!!!

My mum is 74 and drives me batty but I still love her dearly.

She speaks her mind - "but your children will be bastards if you're not married, darling."

She too talks at me. I'll call her. She launches into half an hour of telling me all about some friend of hers I've never met (sometimes I put the phone down and do the washing up!) and then, when I start to talk, she says "Yes, yes... I'm sorry but I have to go. I need the toilet."!

And I've never understood why she comes back from holiday and tells me the entire contents of the hotel menu.

Her TV schedule cannot be interrupted. This has always been so. My brother's enthusiasm after his first day at high school was slightly ruined by mum's "Tell me later darling. I'm in the middle of Dynasty."

My father runs marathons and she has an increasing resentment about this. "It's not bloody fair. He seems to be getting younger." She sits on her arse all day, is overweight and can't walk 100 yards without getting out of breath but refuses to do any kind of exercise at all. When my family suggest that she might improve her health with some gentle walking or swimming, she gets defensive and argues that it will muck up her hair! If we push, she cries and says she is tired and doesn't want to live another 10 years. It hurts me to think that she won't be around forever.

Even if she drives you mad you may miss her when she's gone - mine died in a hit and run road accident 7 years ago. I still find myself seeing Christmassy things in shops and thinking 'I'll get that for Mum - she'd love it'...

My mum and dad both in eighties - mum very very infirm and dementia - I never got on with her when younger - locked horns constantly - very very controlling domineering woman with us kids and my dad and really ruled the roost - fearsome really. But that doesnt mean it still makes me sad to see her as she is now iyswim and she is obviously apart from taking a lot of looking after - no trouble at all these days - very compliant with whatever I or her carer who comes in once a day want her to do and never complains about her food etc etc. Just sad to see anyone with such a low quality of life really and all l can do is make sure she is warm and comfortable and fed and watered.

My dad on the other hand total opposite - fit and sprightly and all his faculties - drives me to distraction - demanding doesnt even come close to covering it - never satisfied - has turned into a very very selfish manipulative horrible old man. No gratitude or respect for me just a sense of entitlement gives me no let up whatsoever. Sorry - flame away - but its true - and ironic part is I was always a daddys girl and loved my dad to bits but detested my mum a lot of the time and used to fantasise that one of my lovely maternal aunts who was childless was really my mum and really wish she was.

Funny how life has a habit of turning completely upside down really.

really wished she was - should have read.