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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite mil over at christmas

67 replies

leelo · 06/11/2011 21:23

my mil is a widow and stays 2 short bus journeys away from us.same distance as my mum but opposite direction. my mum works but visits every day she can and calls everyday to speak to kids. mil hardly visits us and barely calls. i have made lots of effort to include her over the years but she is very bad at being a grandparent and my dd age 6 is now beginning to notice. mil has recently received a bus pass and can travel for free but still doesn't visit. we usually have at christmas my mum staying over so she can be here to see kids opening gifts. and mil over on christmas eve. but i can't be bothered this year. i do the cooking and making endless cups of tea while dh ignores her and she doesn't play with the dc. what she does do is talk. usually saying you don't call and don't visit. if her husband was still with us i would make the effort as he didn't see us much but when he did he was a proper grandparent playing on the floor and talking to the dc. so am i being mean. the final straw moment came when i realised i was making my dd talk to mil on phone as dd didn't want to. dd said she doesn't love us enough to visit so i don't want to talk to her. i agreed. so should i just not invite her over or sit through the usual crap and pretend all is well.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 06/11/2011 21:24

How often do you go to see her? You don't mention it.

squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 21:24

i do the cooking and making endless cups of tea while dh ignores her

Sounds to me like you are looking for the wrong person to blame.

I feel a bit sorry for the poor woman.

uniCorny · 06/11/2011 21:25

'dd said she doesn't love us enough to visit so i don't want to talk to her'
who has she got that idea from then?
YABU

MenopausalHaze · 06/11/2011 21:26

Seems to me you have two choices here -

Act like a grown up and accept that maybe she's just an unhappy elderly person who is not functioning well without her husband and who is unable to build a good relationship with her son's family

Or leave the miserable old bag to stew in misery over the Christmas period whilst you have a lovely warm happy family time where everything goes your way and you don't have to make any effort at all.

worraliberty · 06/11/2011 21:26

Well firstly as she's your Husband's Mum I feel it should be more his decision than yours.

And secondly, what exactly is a 'proper grandparent'? Confused

Thirdly, how does a 6yr old child come to the conclusion that her Grandmother 'doesn't love her enough to visit, so she doesn't want to talk to her'?

I'd put your DD straight for a start.

GetOrf · 06/11/2011 21:27

I feel sorry for her - she is a widow, her son ignores her, and she feels that nobody visits her.

DO you visit her at all?

It would be a shame to leave her alone. Can you not just invite her as you do every year?

Hassled · 06/11/2011 21:27

Sit through the usual crap and pretend all is well. She's obviously fairly recently widowed - do you know she's confident re the bus travel? Don't assume that what your DM finds easy, she finds easy. She's your DH's mother - she won't be here forever. Count to ten a lot.

pictish · 06/11/2011 21:28

I agree with unicorny
Wonder where your 6 year old dd got that idea from eh? Hmm

LoveBeingAFirework · 06/11/2011 21:28

What does your dh want to do? Does she have anywhere else to go?

southeastastra · 06/11/2011 21:28

give her a break and get to know her yourself

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 06/11/2011 21:29

She's an elderly lady on her own and the grandmother of your DD and you don't want to invite her for Christmas? Not even on Christmas Eve? I think you know you're being unreasonable.

MenopausalHaze · 06/11/2011 21:30

I hope the OP knows she's being unreasonable. Somehow and sadly I rather think she doesn't.

pooka · 06/11/2011 21:33

Did you vocally agree with your dd when she said that she didn't think her grandmother loves her? I hope not - that would have been really cruel.

I think that you are wrong in comparing two people - your mother and your MIL and expecting all grandparents to be cut from the same cloth. They're different people with different attitudes and abilities. It doesn't sound like you are making the effort with her - you rely on your mother to come over every day she can, and she rings your children. What are you doing to emphasise to your children that their other grandmother still loves them too.

Have a go at your husband. He shouldn't be ignoring her when she is over, and he could do with making tea.

Incidentally, my mother is incredibly keen on my children but doesn't really do the crawling on the floor thing. It hurts her ageing knees. Ditto my MIL.

Lilyloo · 06/11/2011 21:33

Seems a very odd thing for a 6 year old to say tbh.
I think it is a small price to pay to keep the peace. I think you just need to accept that your mil has different views of being a grandparent than your mum. That doesn't make her wrong.
I do appreciate it is hard when you feel all the effort is one way though. I have the same but always bite my tongue at xmas to keep the peace. If you don't invite her i would imagine the fall out wouldn't be worth it.
However i would ask dh to be more pro active with her.

531800000008 · 06/11/2011 21:34

poor MIL

why don't you ever go to hers to visit?

squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 21:36

the final straw moment came when i realised i was making my dd talk to mil on phone as dd didn't want to. dd said she doesn't love us enough to visit so i don't want to talk to her

A lot of 6yo's go all shy and wont talk on the phone. Not many would be articulate enough to come out with that reasoning though.

Original poster
leelo · 06/11/2011 21:37

this year we've not visited. as dh does not bother. last year i made the effort 6 times and gave up as she just ignored the kids really and just moaned about the weather or a neighbour that moved the mat outside her door. she's just turned 60 and is someone i liked a lot in the beginning but slowly over time she's become less interested. a proper grandparent to me is someone who takes an interest in your dc's lives. they either call or visit and know things that matter to dc like only cut sandwiches diagonally or they won't eat it. that kind of idea. i feel bad not including her but dh doesn't bother to include her anymore. she lives with dh's sister and when her husband passed away i said to her she could see the dc everyday if she wanted. but 2 years on we've seen her 12 times. she doesn't visit on dc's birthdays when invited or for their dance shows. so now i'm at the point where how long do i keep doing this when no one else seems to bother.

OP posts:
tryingtofigureitout · 06/11/2011 21:37

be kind, invite her over.

if you and your husband and kid are happy enough opening presents, cooking, watching tv, sipping wine etc what difference would it make to you really if she's just sitting on the couch.

unless she's a cruel women your husband shouldn't want to leave her on her own at christmas??

youre being a good dil by including her. and i agree with menopause lady -

"Act like a grown up and accept that maybe she's just an unhappy elderly person who is not functioning well without her husband and who is unable to build a good relationship with her son's family"

Hassled · 06/11/2011 21:39

Could she be a bit depressed, maybe? How long ago was the bereavement? I still think you should stick it out - and your DH needs to get his act together.

eeyore2 · 06/11/2011 21:42

No you don't HAVE to invite her.
But if you want to teach your children how to behave nicely and set a good example for them then you definitely should invite her.
Also how about planning a couple of phone calls and a visit prior to christmas so that if this becomes a topic of conversation you can immediately steer it round to the lovely time you had during the recent visit / nice phone calls you have recently shared.
Finally I am a little concerned that a six-year-old could come out with comments like that about her grandparent. If it has come from you then you might need to temper your conversation about mil in front of your daughter. If it just came out then you need to reassure her that she's got the wrong end of the stick and that her granny finds it difficult to get on two different buses all on her own and this has no bearing on how she feels about her grandchildren.

squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 21:43

So in a year, you have not visited the woman once. That is shit. More so from your husband who has not been to see his own mother.. that is really really shit.

She is a mother, not just a grandmother.

Sidge · 06/11/2011 21:44

I'd invite MIL over and send DH over to sit alone in her house if I were you.

If he can't even be arsed to talk to his own mother I don't blame her for not visiting.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/11/2011 21:45

Your husband should be making more of an effort.
She is his DM after all.

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2011 21:45

Have you asked your DH why he is ignoring his mother?
There is clearly something going on here. What does his sister think? Does she come over to visit?

Original poster
leelo · 06/11/2011 21:45

trust me when i say this is causing a wedge with me and dh. i speak to my mum everyday.so his relationship with mil is weird to me. they don't do gifts either. something i learned early i our relationship. i buy gifts for my nearest and dearest at xmas and their birthdays but they don't. odd. i ask him to call her and let her know things and he says i will later and it never comes. my dd made the comment above after being told again that mil was not coming to visit after saying she would and that she was not coming to her show where dd has got a huge part. so i think its hurt her feelings.

OP posts: