to not invite mil over at christmas

[leelo]

my mil is a widow and stays 2 short bus journeys away from us.same distance as my mum but opposite direction. my mum works but visits every day she can and calls everyday to speak to kids. mil hardly visits us and barely calls. i have made lots of effort to include her over the years but she is very bad at being a grandparent and my dd age 6 is now beginning to notice. mil has recently received a bus pass and can travel for free but still doesn't visit. we usually have at christmas my mum staying over so she can be here to see kids opening gifts. and mil over on christmas eve. but i can't be bothered this year. i do the cooking and making endless cups of tea while dh ignores her and she doesn't play with the dc. what she does do is talk. usually saying you don't call and don't visit. if her husband was still with us i would make the effort as he didn't see us much but when he did he was a proper grandparent playing on the floor and talking to the dc. so am i being mean. the final straw moment came when i realised i was making my dd talk to mil on phone as dd didn't want to. dd said she doesn't love us enough to visit so i don't want to talk to her. i agreed. so should i just not invite her over or sit through the usual crap and pretend all is well.

There are a whole lot of factors here which have been mentioned by posters. Mabey she is getting negative vibes from you both, and does not feel welcome or comfortable around you. She could be depressed and lonely after her dh death. It is that your dh does not bother about his mother, what example is that setting to your dd .

dd said she doesn't love us enough to visit so i don't want to talk to her where does a 6 year old get that from I wonder . No wonder the poor woman does not want to come round where she does not feel comfortable, I don't think I would! There is no such thing as a perfect gp. You have to set a better example to your dd, and your dh should be ashamed of himself treating his mum like that!

perfect plan leelo. youre being a very good dil by doing this.

honestly i think its got to change or i'll be stuck in this pattern for years. i'll make the effort. i just hope it changes.

Can you not put it all more positively to her rather than telling her "this situation has to change" and "she has to put some efort in"? That sort of thing would seem likely just to put her back up. Could you not say something more along the lines that you and DD would love to see more of her, you are worried (for her sake) about her not seeming keen to get out much since she was widowed, is there anything you can do to help make things easier for her to come to you etc?

However with DH I suggest you lay down the law - he sounds like he is being a bit crap.

i agree mollymawk.

TBH I wouldn't want her over on Xmas day either, but I think you should invite her.In a way, with other family around it's not so hard having one more person. I guess she's not coping too well with being widowed and I can imagine my own MIL being quite similar.

It sounds like his family are just a lot more distant and don't have the same idea about what a 'good' family is. I think it's important that you don't compare DH's family to yours - they will never measure up, and you will never love them the same way you love your own. But maybe some positive suggestions like you mentioning your DC have said they'd like to see her more, or maybe give her more direct invites to visit, see how she responds. Perhaps your parents drop in, but that's not her style and she always needs an invitation?

I do think that DH should be the one talking to his mother. She might be very hurt or cross that he can't even be bothered to do it himself. It seems the problem is mroe with him than you, so why doesn't he do it? he can't be happy for things to continue as they are.

What will sil do on Xmas day? Come with her?
So she's not lonely as she's living with her daughter who dh also isn't bothered with seeing? Wierd family!

Ask your DH what sort of relationship he'd like to have with his daughter and her children when he is in his 60s.

To be brutally honest, I don't think your problem is your MIL.
It's the man you picked to marry.

Omg you haven't visited her in a year and you piss and moan about her not visiting you?

I agree your 6 year old will be picking up the attitude towards her DGM from YOU and DH how awful!

And you have compared her to your own mother a lot just on here... She never got to come on Xmas day as your DM went, but she could go Xmas eve?

Think she has prob felt left out/ neglected and lonely for a while?

YABVU and pretty awful tbh

Oh ffs.

Honestly, my grandmother is not a very nice person. She never was. She can be very funny, and she does love me, but she is just not very kind or warm, and seems to take delight in every possible opportunity to call her granddaughters fat.

But. She's my gran. I call her once a week (she lives far away) and visit her when I can, and send her little notes and pictures from DS. She's my last remaining grandparent and I'll do my best by her, no matter what she does or doesn't do.

As long as she's not really cruel or damaging to your DC, I'd say don't let her actions dictate yours.

Ok, speaking as a widow in my mid thirties with a baby son I was well prepared to call you all the disgusting creatures under the sun. Your last post redeemed yourself somewhat.

I know that 2 and a half years after my husband died I'm only now getting into some kind of normal-the first year I forgot to buy ANY presents for my own child!!!! I can well see where your MIL will be not great company. I accept that the majority of the responsibility is with her own son but she is your childs granny FFS. (My ILs are awful for coming up but my son will never hear me say a bad word about them).

Personally I am scared that my own child and his future partner would not want me involved in their family.

i will say that if she wants to come at christmas she is warmly invite her for Christmas and i will call her myself once a week to let her know what's going on. and begin to invite her along when doing shopping, errands*, such as hairdresser, choosing paint, have a family portrait done, or to go have coffee and maybe go to an art and craft fair/speaker at library/work out at the gym/go for a walk
Everyone does not like to get on the floor and play. If you don't feel affection and warmth around her, pretend that you do, and to your daughter as well. it is respectful and good manners. I have found in time, you actually do begin to feel some affection towards the person.

It doesn't hurt to do this, just next time you are going to go shopping, give her a call and ask if she feels like keeping you company. Ask her advice on something simple, like does she know a good brand of something or other...., make her feel like she is part of the circle.

If you want to of course. But do warmly invite her for Christmas, rather than the way you put it..."say that if she wants to come" at christmas she is welcome and i will call her myself once a week to let her know what's going on.

My fil once asked me "are you coming over on Christmas". I was taken aback, not sure if that was an in invitation or not. It sounded more like a question. I know him now and would know that was an invitation, back then I did not understand his way with words ay times.

YANBU - You can't win with some people. Your MIL is not that old, drives and works. Sounds to me like she needs to make the effort too. If she never does then I can see why dh cannot be bothered.

I say this as the granddaughter of someone who was like this for 25 years of my parents marriage. My dm took us to visit our grandmother frequently during our childhood with shopping, flowers, gifts etc - which she sometimes rejected. We were always encouraged as children to think that our grandmother loved us despite her odd behaviour. Every christmas eve we would go to her house with df to beg her to come for christmas. After relenting every time she spoilt christmas with her miserable talk and meanness despite plenty of money. She did not offer my mother water or tea in 25 years. In retrospect we all wish we had not bothered trying as she spoilt so many family occasions.