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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite mil over at christmas

67 replies

leelo · 06/11/2011 21:23

my mil is a widow and stays 2 short bus journeys away from us.same distance as my mum but opposite direction. my mum works but visits every day she can and calls everyday to speak to kids. mil hardly visits us and barely calls. i have made lots of effort to include her over the years but she is very bad at being a grandparent and my dd age 6 is now beginning to notice. mil has recently received a bus pass and can travel for free but still doesn't visit. we usually have at christmas my mum staying over so she can be here to see kids opening gifts. and mil over on christmas eve. but i can't be bothered this year. i do the cooking and making endless cups of tea while dh ignores her and she doesn't play with the dc. what she does do is talk. usually saying you don't call and don't visit. if her husband was still with us i would make the effort as he didn't see us much but when he did he was a proper grandparent playing on the floor and talking to the dc. so am i being mean. the final straw moment came when i realised i was making my dd talk to mil on phone as dd didn't want to. dd said she doesn't love us enough to visit so i don't want to talk to her. i agreed. so should i just not invite her over or sit through the usual crap and pretend all is well.

OP posts:
tryingtofigureitout · 06/11/2011 21:46

ps i would be livid if my sons didnt bother with me when im older/theyre older. why doesnt he make any effort? its his one and only mother?? maybe she's depressed. life is really hard for some people. shes been through more than you two, your husband should respect that.

(unless shes cruel and awful. but not playing on the floor and making special sandwiches doesnt make her a crap grandparent. my mum loves my kids but she doesnt do any of that, shed rather sit on the couch with wine and watch them sing or dance, but thats a whole other thread)

squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 21:48

I imagine your MIL doesnt come because she doesnt feel at all welcome. I find you can usually judge a man by the way he treats his Mother, and sadly your husband is not looking too favourable on that score. :(

yellowraincoat · 06/11/2011 21:49

Your husband sounds like a tool, I'd feel horrible if my partner ignored his mother.

Invite her, so what if she's not the most fun person on the planet, it's not going to ruin Christmas is it?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/11/2011 21:50

Your DH sounds odd and frankly not very nice, unless he has some kind of bad blood with his mother that he's not telling you about.

I feel very sorry for her - is she perhaps in pain or stiff, and that's why a bus journey or getting down on the floor to play is hard for her? She might not admit this to you if she is shy about it.

I think you need to say to your DH that this is his mum, and if he will not make the effort, what does he expect you to do?

GetOrf · 06/11/2011 21:50

Why on earth does your DH not want to see her? Have they had a troubled relationship, is there an underlying reason for his contempt for her? Because to not see her for a year, that is contemptuous.

She sounds very unhappy - a gradual social decline like that would worry me to be honest.

GetOrf · 06/11/2011 21:52

It is very sad that you and your DH have not visited her for 11 months, when you say that last christmas all she said that was that she wished that you visited her more.

Please see if there is any bad blood between them - if not, your DH is being cruel I think.

HowlingBitch · 06/11/2011 21:52

I agree with squeaky.

I don't think family should give up on eachother (unless something completely unforgivable happens). She sounds unhappy and I would be too if DP died. :(

MenopausalHaze · 06/11/2011 21:53

Absolutely correct squeakytoy - if a man can't be concerned with his mother then he's never going to be any kind of a real man. In years to come, however, he'll be moaning and griping that his children aren't bothered with him and he'll have no idea at all how that came to be.

Original poster
leelo · 06/11/2011 21:54

when we had dd she came to visit us once. we went over every other week. they were alright but still not very close.i see my family all the time and just put it down to different families being different. sil is not really interested either. she works not far from us and drives past our house twice a day 5 times a week. so weird again. last time she saw us was in april and she never saw kids as they were at school and in nursery.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 06/11/2011 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 06/11/2011 21:57

You need to stop comparing her to your own Mum...it's not a competition.

If you don't visit and she doesn't visit...no wonder she doesn't know how your DD likes her flipping sandwiches cut!

Dear God, just invite the poor woman and let her go on about her neighbour's door mat or anything else she wants to ramble about.

It's only once a year and she is your DH's Mum after all...even if none of you are very nice to her.

MenopausalHaze · 06/11/2011 21:57

OP - why don't you give it a rest with the endless scene setting and excuses and actually DO something to understand and rectify the situation. The poor woman may be depressed or ill and not telling you or just totally bewildered and all you seem to be able to do is try to justify the unjustifiable. Would it really be so hard to try just a bit harder?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/11/2011 21:57

She obviously doesn't feel terribly welcome, does she?

Not necessarily your fault - I imagine she wants to talk to her son or grandchildren, and I get the impression she ends up talking to you instead, and you two don't get on well. Again .. this needs to be something your DH sorts out.

Btw, it's not 'weird' if families don't see each other often. People who struggle with social contact may be depressed, and you say she's recently lost her husband, is that right? I would be wondering how she's coping TBH.

HowlingBitch · 06/11/2011 21:57

You have a wonderful way with words TheSecond...

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/11/2011 21:58

How will you feel in the future OP, if your own children grow up to treat you as your DH is treating his mum.
I think you should invite her and encourage your husband to make an effort with her.
How is he with your family?

Arachnophobic · 06/11/2011 21:59

Oh dear, this won't end well.

OP I find it hard to believe that something hasn't gone seriously awry in DH's childhood to make him so anti his own mother.

For the record it sounds like you have made ample effort with your MIL and for whatever reason this hasn't been reciprocated. I can relate a little bit to this. Having said that I really don't think you should cut her out. You need to have a clear conscience on this issue.

Someone here said she sounds depressed. Funnily enough I was thinking the same.

Original poster
leelo · 06/11/2011 22:00

she's a healthy fit woman on no medication. there is no bad blood no arguments just lack of communication. i tried getting dh to talk to her more but he just goes what's the point.

OP posts:
MenopausalHaze · 06/11/2011 22:02

What is shining through really rather brightly here OP is that you just don't want to make the effort do you? Not once have you agreed with any of the comments or suggestions here. If I were you, reading what has been posted here, I would hang my head in shame and gear up for making a real effort and some big changes starting tomorrow. You are just not going to do that are you?

squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 22:02

how old is your husband?

ItWasABoojum · 06/11/2011 22:02

She sounds lonely and unhappy. If you hardly see her it's no wonder she's not very good at playing with DD - how can she get to know her if you don't give her the chance?

It's horrible that your DH isn't making the effort to visit her, but why does that mean you and your DD can't? She probably needs more than ever to feel like somebody cares about her.

tryingtofigureitout · 06/11/2011 22:02

definitely sounds like somethings wrong between your husband, mil and sil from their past maybe.

i think you should:

a) have a real talk with your husband about whats going on and

b) be an example to your daughter and say something like "i know granny doesnt visit much or play with you but she does love you very much and people are different and thats ok." and say that families stick together and help each other and accept each other basically! and try and cheer her up this christmas.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/11/2011 22:03

So, when you discuss with your DH whether she should come at Christmas, what does he say? Or what does he say about you and the children visiting her?

I can't work out if he doesn''t want anything to do with his mother, or if he just assumes it's your job to do the communication/hostess duties?

Either way, sorry, if there is no bad blood he is coming across as a selfish git.

uniCorny · 06/11/2011 22:04

why would you know whether she was on medication or not? Would she really confide in you?

Original poster
leelo · 06/11/2011 22:09

my dh is 32. i have tried some of the suggestions already. but with little success in the past. what i will do is set a compromise. i will visit mil without dh if he can't be bothered and take dc. i will explain to her that this situation where we are not acting like a close family has to change. i will say that if she wants to come at christmas she is welcome and i will call her myself once a week to let her know what's going on. but she has to put some effort in too. dh is not going to change but if he wants a relationship with his mum then he has to pull his finger out. does that sound less cruel mn jury?

OP posts:
Arachnophobic · 06/11/2011 22:12

Good plan OP IMO.