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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset that dh said hello to this woman

77 replies

wagonweel1 · 06/11/2011 20:30

i have namechanged here.

I have a group of friends I met about 5 years ago via anti-natal classes. We have kept in touch and had nights out and lunch etc. However, one of the girls in the group wasnt really my cup of tea, she was quite bitchy about people if they wernt there and was really stroppy and unreasonable if we couldnt make any of the nights out etc.

Things recently came to a head when she told one of the group that I had said something that I hadnt and I decided I didnt really want to be around her. There was no big argument, just a disagreement which resulted in me saying that I didnt really want to meet up with her again and that sometimes friendships just come to a natural end. To be honest, it felt like such a relief to know that I didnt have to see her again. I contacted the rest of the group the next day to let them know that I wouldnt be going on any more nights out if she was there but that they needn't feel that they should take sides. To be honest, they arent my lifelong friends, I have friends I have known 30 years from school that I still see every month for lunch/nights out. I havent got much in common with them, we just became friendly due to having our children at the same time. The result was that much of the group secretly felt the same as me but no one was confident enough to do anything about it. I've since seen 1 or 2 of the group for coffee and I know that 1 of the other girls is still in touch with the "ex-friend".

The problem I have is this, "ex-friend" now blatantly ignores me when she sees me, she wont even say hello, so does her sister and her cousin. My dh happens to know her sister and cousin and whenever we see them they say a cheery "hello wagonweel1's dh" and dh reciprocates but they blatantly ignore me. They used to say hello to me, Ive even been to their homes in the past. Goodness knows what "ex-friend" has been saying to them.

It doesnt really upset me that they ignore me in the street, I couldnt really care less, its no loss to me, but what upsets me is that dh still says hello to them even though they are being so rude to me. DH and me can be walking down the street together and this can happen.

Ive spoken to dh about it but he says that I cant expect him to ignore someone just because they ignore me, he says its nothing to do with him. But I think it makes me look foolish and if it was the other way round I would find it hard to say hello to someone who quite obviously ignored my dh for something that had nothing to do with them.

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 06/11/2011 20:34

Agree with your dh - what else is he supposed to do? Surely if it doesn't bother you to have lost her as a friend it shouldn't bother you that she ignores you and he says "hi" Confused

wagonweel1 · 06/11/2011 20:36

Maisie, the thing is, he has this really strong attitude that he wont get involved and that its wrong of him to ignore people just because of me, but that is exactly what these people are doing - ignoring me because of their relative.

OP posts:
Sidalee7 · 06/11/2011 20:36

Are you for real? You sound about 13, grow up ffs

Iggly · 06/11/2011 20:37

What's wrong with a bit of solidarity from your DH? I think it's a bit mean of him TBH - if someone said hi to me but blanked DH, I'd be pretty pissed off because they're trying to pull me into playing their game.

YANBU

troisgarcons · 06/11/2011 20:37

Oh grow up.

PotteringAlong · 06/11/2011 20:37

Your DH is just being polite.

It sounds a bit like you're a gaggle of teenage girls. You don't want to be friends, fair enough. Now move on!

purplehonesty · 06/11/2011 20:38

Hmm I see your point, it would annoy me too but my DH would do the same thing, just say hello anyway.
Men don't get drawn into situations like we do and they don't seem to realise how upset we get over such things.
We had a similar situation years ago, 2 bitchy girls who hated the fact I was with DH, were blatantly rude to me and yet every time they saw DH amde a huge fuss. I was raging but he just said, well I can't ignore them, I've not fallen out with them!
I used to walk off and pretend it wasnt happening whilst inwardly seething.
SO you are YANBU but I don't think there's much you can do either

blackoutthesun · 06/11/2011 20:39

i feel sorry for your dh

Iggly · 06/11/2011 20:39

Why is the OP acting like a 13 year old? The ex friend yes, but not the OP.

smoggii · 06/11/2011 20:39

This is why I avoided M&B groups!!

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 06/11/2011 20:40

Your DH is just being adult about this - honestly, it all sounds really quite immature tbh. So they ignore you - so what?!

Oakmaiden · 06/11/2011 20:41

Do you say hello to them? Just wondering if they think YOU are being stuckup and blanking them.

But even if you have spoken to them and they have ignored you, I still don't think it is a big deal for your husband to say Hi when he meets them in the street. Just because they have no manners doesn't mean he should emulate them.

TheFrogs · 06/11/2011 20:41

Its just one of those things. Your dh is being polite. You said yourself its no great loss to you so I wouldn't worry about it Smile

wagonweel1 · 06/11/2011 20:42

Sidalee, yes I know it all sounds very childish, I totally agree. That is the point really. And it upsets me that dh is happy to say hello to these people when they can so be so blatantly rude and childish towards me.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 06/11/2011 20:43

I'd just say hello to them in a loud and cheery voice to make a point and then see what they do.

But I'm childish like that.

wagonweel1 · 06/11/2011 20:46

blackout, why do you feel sorry for dh, please explain?

OP posts:
TheFrogs · 06/11/2011 20:48

He's not stooping to their level wagonweel, they are childish.

blackoutthesun · 06/11/2011 20:49

because he is only being polite

pigletmania · 06/11/2011 20:56

YABU, you broke it off with the exfriend, so you don't expect her sister and cousin to say hello to you. Your dh is only being polite, its nothing to do with him, its between you and your exfriend.

wagonweel1 · 06/11/2011 21:03

piglet - exactly, between me & ex friend. Yet her sister and cousin are ignoring me in the street whilst saying hello to dh. I'm finding it really hard to explain how it makes me feel. I honestly couldnt say hello to someone who was so hostile towards my dh and I find it hard to understand why dh doesnt feel the same.

OP posts:
Morloth · 06/11/2011 21:10

You called everyone to tell them if she is going you aren't? And they are being childish?

Most people get this crap out of their system in the teen years you know.

Just grow up and forget about them, why waste energy, I can see why your DH doesn't want to get involved it all sounds utterly ridiculous.

Don't let it 'make' you feel anything, it is pointless and pathetic.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/11/2011 21:13

Well, I've just related this situation to my husband, and asked him what he would do. He replied that he would have a conversation with them - he would ask them why they were being so rude to me.

I consider him to be a very polite person, a damn sight more than me so yes OP, YANBU to be upset that your husband is doing his 'nowt to do with me' act.

wagonweel1 · 06/11/2011 21:15

I can accept that IABU but not for the reasons of the whole situation being childish. I fully agree that its a childish teenage situation, which is why I have distanced myself from the group. I have a totally normal relationship with my usual friends, honestly.

Morloth, its not really about wanting my dh to get involved in whats happened. Its about him being happy to say hello to someone who is quite obviously hostile towards his wife.

OP posts:
wagonweel1 · 06/11/2011 21:17

Whereyouleftit, thank you. I think that you and your dh just might understand where I am coming from here. Most of the replies seem to focus on the childishness of the situation (which I dont dispute, it is rather childish) but thats not what I am asking about, its about my dh thinking that its ok and normal to say hi to people who are hostile towards me.

OP posts:
Morloth · 06/11/2011 21:20

Shrug, a polite hello and then move on is just that polite, it isn't about them it is about him being a grown up.

That's what grown ups do, even if they don't particularly like the person, if you know them you acknowledge them and move on.

If he blanked them then that would make him as stupid as the rest of you.

Madness.

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